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AIBU?

To not like DS :(

28 replies

shuffler · 09/12/2012 13:58

I wasn't sure where to post this I just know that I need help quickly. I've also posted in another category but I know this has a lot of traffic.

My son is 6 months old and I love him with all my heart, I would give up my life and everything in it for him but I don't like him

He always has something wrong with him, first it was colic, then reflux, then he wouldn't latch on anymore so I had to bottle feed him, he won't settle on his own, he's very clingy, he has problems with his kidneys, he's had a blood infection, colds, coughs, reactions to injections and so on.

I know it's not not his fault and I support him through everything he is going through, I give him cuddles and when he was in hospital for his blood infection and kidneys I stayed with him all the time and didn't sleep for 50 hours just to make sure he was ok.

All he ever does is whinge and moan and growl, we see glimpses of 'our' son every now and again and it's so nice and amazing but 90% of the time he dosnt feel like he is ours. I have spoke to DH about this and he feel the same.

We feel like shit parents for feeling this way but what can we do? And when will 'our' son be back for good? Can anyone please help us??

:(

OP posts:

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GailTheGoldfish · 09/12/2012 14:05

It sounds like you have been through a huge amount with him and so no one could blame you for being exhausted and strung out. But you need to find a way to deal with your feelings as he will pick up on them. Do you have support? Are there other family members who can spend time with him while you rest? I have found with my similar age DD that exhaustion has the biggest impact on my mood and ability to function well as a person and a mum. If you think this is what the main issue for you is please seek some support as your son really needs you.

ElectricSheep · 09/12/2012 14:08

i'm so sorry you feel like that, it must have taken a lot of courage to admit that.

I think you need to get a review appointment with a really good (senior/experienced/sympathetic) paediatrician and get them to give your DS a thorough medical check up because it sounds as though you have had trouble bonding with your baby because he's been ill and unusually hard work.

Explain that to your GP and insist on a referral.

Having said all that I think you probably need to keep an open mind and try not to worry. It will get better - just a horrible start you've had.

Sirzy · 09/12/2012 14:08

It's exhausting having a young baby. It's even more exhausting when the baby is in poor health.

Do you have help? Can you get someone else to watch him for a few hours? Or even overnight?

SugaricePlumFairy · 09/12/2012 14:10

Yours is such a sad post!

It's awful what your ds has gone through and as his Parents it must have been dreadful for you and your dh to see him so poorly.

You sound exhausted, has he been in poor health since birth regarding his kidneys?

shuffler · 09/12/2012 14:12

I moved back to my mum's when he was about a month old because he wouldn't settle and I couldn't cope very well so I have a lot of family around and they all help out and DH is great. I'm still managing to look after him and do night feeds and comfort him while he is kicking and screaming, it's just that it's got to the point of not looking forward to him waking up after a nap or going home if I've had some time away because I'm not sure how much of him been this way I can take :(

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Sirzy · 09/12/2012 14:13

Has he seen a pediatrician recently to make sure there isn't a medical reason for him not being happy?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 09/12/2012 14:13

You must be exhausted. Is there anyone who could look after him so you and DH can have a break?

It does get easier i promise!

Iggly · 09/12/2012 14:14

Please speak to your GP about this.

My two have been hard work - not like yours but I've had reflx, tongue tie and little sleep for the last three years. However I have and do like them and love them even though dd is a grumpy thing (she's getting happier now).

I worry that you might be depressed and your son will pick up on it. Do you act happy around him? My dd is a miserable one at times but she will crack a smile for us (I had to work on being happier around her as realised I had a grumpy face most of the time)

SugaricePlumFairy · 09/12/2012 14:17

If he's been poorly since birth I imagine all your time has been spent worrying about him and you've not given any thought to your own health.

Would you feel able to go your GP and explain how you feel? clearly you need some support from a health professional with regard to how you feel.

LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake · 09/12/2012 14:19

It will get better. What matters is what you actually do for him (from his perspective) - love here is an action, not a feeling.

Also, with a very sick baby there's a self protection and distancing that can kick in (necessarily), not just because of the grinding monotony of it but also because of the fear you might lose him.

I very much hope he gets better soon and days become easier for you.

Jingleflobba · 09/12/2012 14:19

Just one of those in a baby that young can be exhausting never mind the whole lot, I feel for you.
Speak to your doctor or HV if you can, you may have PND.

shuffler · 09/12/2012 14:20

Thank you all for replying.

He is currently going through tests for a condition called vesico-ureteric reflux and after doing research on it, it sounds to me that he has had it from birth which could be why he is so grumpy. He has got to have a catheter fitted in about 2 weeks time for a 24 hour urine test and he has also got to have an injection through his tummy in to his kidneys to check how their functioning, it's all pretty scary stuff but obviously where looking forward to the results.

Me and DH have been having little jokes saying imagine if there is nothing wrong at all and he is just really grumpy, but when we really think about it were really dreading this been the outcome because we may never like him.

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shuffler · 09/12/2012 14:24

I am also been treated for depression through regular concelling, I just havnt looked at this situation like that because DH feels the same :/

I am very happy when around or atleast I try to be, it's very exhausting and also very testing.

I will definitely call my HV tomorrow.

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FantasticMax · 09/12/2012 14:26

You poor thing. It sounds like you've had a really rough start and that must be exhausting and frustrating.

You say you see glimpses of your son. Hang onto those, it will get better.

FWIW, I had a rough start with DD with reflux, screaming, napping issues, breastfeeding problems, fussy eater etc. It took me months to bond with her and feel any sort of affection for her, it kills me to write that now. But, like you, I would have done anything for her and of course I looked after her well, even if it felt a bit mechanical at the time.

It does get better. You're doing the best you can under difficult circumstances. Keep talking to DH, and try and get a wee break every now and again. Even if it's just a half hour walk on your own to clear your head.

Hope it gets better.

iusedtobefun2 · 09/12/2012 14:26

sounds like you've all been through such a lot.
and very brave of you to be so honest and post here.

On Monday please get an emergency appointment to see your dr. If you have difficulties saying out loud how you feel then write it all down or take a long a copy of this thread.

You can also self refer to Homestart.

Good luck and keep posting here.
We'll listen..........

maddening · 09/12/2012 14:26

It probably isn't his personality to be whingy - it is as he feels unwell - so as he gets stronger and better I am sure you''ll all start to turn a corner.

In the meantime can you look at things such as naptime changing, any foods that don't help/do help - if he had reflux then maybe he's still suffering a bit. Dairy/wheat intolerances?

Maybe keep a daily diary of food type/ times and nap times noting his mood and see if the little glimpses you get of your happy baby relate to certain times or after certain foods and as well the worst times.

Also- teething is another thing?

Maybe just to feel you're looking for solutions might help?

maddening · 09/12/2012 14:29

Sorry saw your recent post - can they treat the reflux if it is that?

shuffler · 09/12/2012 14:36

The condition dosnt have any treatments as such, if he is diagnosed then he will be antibiotics everyday until it goes away and it
could last until he is 6 years old.

I will continue to press the GP's in to helping
us more, I suppose part of me dosnt want to accept that we have a poorly boy and the other part dosnt want to accept that he is just grumpy and could always be like this.

My family is amazing with helping us, I couldn't ask for more help from them. I have been prescribed Prozac to help with my moods but I'm not too sure if I want to take them because I feel that if DS was happy and healthy like pretty much every baby I know then I wouldn't be feeling this way

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BattlingFanjos · 09/12/2012 15:03

It sounds really hard OP, well done for admitting your feelings ime it's a very hard thing to do. It sounds as though you have good support around you, is there someone you're close to that can help out a little more, maybe take your DS for a little while so you and DH can spend some quality time sleeping together? Even if it's a shoulder to cry on, it all helps . It sounds like you're on the right track to dealing with your feelings, your DH should too. I have been very lucky with my DS health wise but can imagine it must be very difficult to have a poorly/grumpy baby, not very rewarding. It will and does get better. Hope everything is positive with the tests/results and I wish you all the best in the future OP xx

Corygal · 09/12/2012 15:04

Wow, you have had a very rough time. You must be exhausted, which is terribly depressing anyway, not to mention at risk of losing your own health.

Millions of parents don't bond with their DC for ages, that's perfectly normal. Difficult babies make it harder.

I can well understand that you've now been through so much crap you're shattered and beginning to wonder if you'll ever love him. Don't worry about that - it comes. You are already an extremely good mother, which is testimony to who you are.

The good news is that at some stage your DS will turn the corner, and be the person he really is - hang in there, you're all moving in the right direction.

As a fan of Prozac, I would shove them down like smarties meself - if only to give you a bit of energy through this time.

GailTheGoldfish · 09/12/2012 15:08

"It will get better. What matters is what you actually do for him (from his perspective) - love here is an action, not a feeling."

This. Laurie sums it up beautifully. One day he will be well enough to show you who he really is. Good luck.

shuffler · 09/12/2012 15:14

Thank you BattlingFanjos that means a lot. I have got people around me and they're always there when I need anything and talking it out with them really does help, it also gives me a boost of positivity and sometimes DS has a good day when I go in to it feeling on top of the world but every time I feel like we're getting somewhere, something else happens and knocks all of us back down again. I'm just so fed up with all of it and just want DS to be happy.

I do keep thinking that it will get better and I just keep thinking that in another 6 months it could be completely different it's just difficult to keep this positive thinking up when all he has done all day is whinge, scream, growl and be rocked to sleep once he's past him self.

I feel that it's not fun been a parent, life is not fun but I can't give up because I love him too much.

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DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 10/12/2012 09:22

Poor you, horrible situation. Lots of good advice from other posters so won't repeat but one thing I thought of... When I had alot of help with Ds I realised I ended up giving away all the 'fun' interactions & got left with the really hard slog stuff, partly cos it's easier to give people all the other stuff, & partly cos it felt like the really hard stuff was my 'duty' as his mummy. But the net result was I felt miserable & saw the most miserable side of Ds too. I had people helping cos I got very ill, but I realised the help I was relying on was also having a negative effect on mine & Ds bond.

No idea if that's relevant to your situation, but I do wonder if you could start asking your family to help in slightly different ways, & make it a point to take him for a few times in the day to do nice things with him, just cuddling or playing or going out to baby music etc... And give away any stress points you can to other people, like when he's tired & grouchy, or getting him to sleep ...

rumbelina · 10/12/2012 09:42

You don't sound like a shit parent. Not at all. You sound amazing given the difficult circumstances.

ballroomblitz · 10/12/2012 10:07

Aww bless you. It is ok to feel like that you know. I too had problems with my ds. He wasn't in the greatest of health as a baby and then had screaming colic on top of it. I remember my stomach sinking and doing flips every time I could hear him starting to wake up as I dreaded it.

It really does get easier. My ds still has issues that require a lot of running around to health professionals. It's a busy life for me but he's such a charming, lovable wee thing. I still have moments I don't enjoy being a mum but my own mum reassures me that's normal. It's flaming hard work at times.

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