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to feel unhappy about my best friend going after my ex boyfriend..

(92 Posts)
welshinexile Sun 09-Dec-12 13:45:44

I will keep this brief- I had a very intense relationship with a man I felt very strongly about 13 years ago- it lasted about a year and I felt very strongly about him. We stayed in contact for a while but lost touch but he has recently re-appeared in my life & we have spoken on the phone. We get on well & were always good mates & I am glad he is there to chat to once in a while.

I have 2 DC's & have been with my partner for 12 years. There are issues but generally we are Ok I think although I have always wondered if it was a re-bound relationship as we got together 6 months after the ex. This ex reappearing has brought up a few old feelings.

What I am not dealing with is my best friend told me that she thought my ex was hot and would quite like to be with him and I hate the thought of it. It makes me feel sick. I couldnt bear it.

So what does this say about me? Am I jealous? Do I still have feelings? Its all rocked me and made me question stuff.

Am I being unreasonable to not want my best friend to have anything to do with my ex? There arent enough words to describe how much I would hate it!

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 09-Dec-12 14:49:15

No, I don't hate the best friend or the OP. I just think that to remain possessive over so many years, to have married someone else and had children and still want to feel ownership of another man is unhinged.
How is that a generalised hatred of women?

simplesusan Sun 09-Dec-12 14:50:10

I think yabu.
I would stop ringing the ex and taking his calls.
Was your relationship with your current dp fine until the ex came along or are there any underlying problems?
Can you strive to make your current relationship better. can you make a fuss over your partner and in turn start to feel more sensual around him.

I think it is a case of the grass appearing greener and you fantasising about how it could have been, when the reality is it ended and there was a good reason for that.

You will appear insane if you ask your friend not to go after your ex. What if she tells your partner?
Put it to the back of your mind, try and do some fun activities with your dp, or at the very least get out with friends and have some me time.

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 09-Dec-12 14:50:31

But as I said, the OP will be far better off posting in Relationships with people there who will understand and empathise. I think SIBU.

HairyGrotter Sun 09-Dec-12 14:53:35

It's not bunny boiling, despite what sort of relationship she shared with him or how many years ago it was, why would a friend want to even 'go there'? However, some folk see it as perfectly reasonable, others find it icky and weird

I agree that the OP needs to lose all feelings towards him, and needs to focus on her partner and kids

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 09-Dec-12 14:54:30

It's AIBU, you are asking for judgement. I stand by mine. Its been 13 years. It's not your friends fault you never got over him, so why should she be stopped from seeing him?

Also you really need to look at the issues with your marriage if a man from 13 years ago really has this big of an impact.

Does the man even like your friend? If not, then there is no issue.

peaceandlovebunny Sun 09-Dec-12 14:56:04

you can't tell your friend not to go after a man you split with thirteen years ago! don't be ridiculous!

get over yourself. you don't own him. you have a partner and children - focus!

WayneDeer Sun 09-Dec-12 15:00:34

I think you are being reasonable regarding your friend
Nothing to say he'd be interested but that's by the by
If it would make you uncomfortable, tell her. State the reasons you've given...or don't. Just say you don't like it and ask her to stop
If she's a friend she will... If she's a Jeremy Kyle wannabe she won't

If she persists in trying to start a relationship with him after you have made it clear how uncomfortable it makes you..ditch her. She has no interest in your feelings.

I think it is worthwhile seeing a therapist about how this has made you feel regarding your own relationship.
I don't mean that there is a problem as sometimes seeing exs make us long for our youth or freedom...but talking it through mad sorting out your feelings will help you and your current relationship

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 09-Dec-12 15:02:31


You were only together for a year over a decade ago. I feel a bit sorry for your partner/husband.

If I was your friend I wouldn't have even mentioned it unless they were actually getting together in all honesty,it was more than courteous of her to tell you how she feels. She doesn't have to ask your permission and is unlikely to take you,married with children,telling her she can't date a particular man very well.

WayneDeer Sun 09-Dec-12 15:04:02

Since when did friends date other friends exs?

Shallow end of the pool here

Numberlock Sun 09-Dec-12 15:04:29

OP- You say there are issues in your current relationship. What are they?

quesadilla Sun 09-Dec-12 15:04:44

I've been in a similar situation: someone I was with for about 18 months a long long time ago has married one of my best friends. I did feel quite odd about it initially... It just felt strange because it seemed in a way to negate my relationship with him. At the end of the day though there is nothing you can do - they are independent adults and can choose their own partners and trying to stop it will just get your friends back up and guarantee a sticky situation if they do get together. You have to make tout peace with it. You will probably find it they do get together - which isn't a given at all - you will get used to it quicker then you think.

GreenPetals Sun 09-Dec-12 15:06:23

I have just read the OP's posts.

What stands out for me is that, in effect, this relationship with her ex isn't finished in her eyes. He left to work abroad, it was 13 years ago. It can be easy to look at the relationship with rose tinted glasses and start feeling those 'old feelings again' (and doubts. Could we have had a great relationship if he had stayed in the UK and we had stayed together).

OP I really think you need to look at that old relationship and realize that what ever the reasons you have moved on. You have settled down with your DH, you have 2 dcs. Looking at the past with regrets and 'what if' will only bring misery to all concerned (you of course, but also your DH, your dcs, your ex and your friend).

This guy left and he did so because your relationship with him wasn't important enough for him not to go. If it had been, he would have stayed in touch, would have gone back to the Uk etc... But he didn't.
On the other side, it was clearly an important time for you.
But you need to turn the page. As other have said, you might want to talk through your feelings with a counsellor (please don't do that with your DH or your friend).

And let your friend be. 13 years is a long time.
And she isn't the problem anyway. What is the problem is that you see her trying to go out with him and you think 'it could be me' or rather 'it should be me'. The issue here is your own feelings regarding the relationship and it ending (eg you think there was nothing wrong about it and it would have carried on if he hadn't been 'forced' to move away because of work).

Hope you will find some peace.

peaceandlovebunny Sun 09-Dec-12 15:07:29

Since when did friends date other friends exs?

since we all became adults?
going out with someone doesn't give you dibs on him for life. what a ridiculous idea.
your friend will understand? why should she have to? she might be missing out on some fun or a life partner because someone went out with him in 1999. laughable.

GreenPetals Sun 09-Dec-12 15:07:38

Oh btw, I also agree that the relationship board would be a better place for this thread.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 09-Dec-12 15:09:03

Wayne so if the love of your life had briefly dated your friend for 5 minutes in the wouldn't date him now?

It's a completely made up rule. I've had a friend try to set me up with her ex previously. You can't claim ownership of people just because you've had sex with them.

timeforachangebaby Sun 09-Dec-12 15:12:06

This happened to me, I was the friend, rather than the OP.

She has been with someone else for years, and me and this guy (I had no idea she had such strong feelings for him mind you), this was this massive instant attraction when we met.

We shared a drunken snog a few weeks later somewhere else, and she literally went BESERK.

She sent me vile emails and texts and posted about me all over the web, how dreadful a mother I was etc, (I was a single parent), it was insane.

She went onto to try to get me sacked from my job.

I have never known anything like it - she terrified me. But, she also pushed us together, I mean no-one likes being told what to do and she was also sending him vile emails, so of course we got together to talk about it - whereas chances are it would of gone no-where, it ended up going further.

I know OP, you aren't thinking of behaving like that, but she had no reason to be like it, he and I were consenting adults, she was in a committed relationship with someone else and I had no idea what was coming.

It was truly awful.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 09-Dec-12 15:15:12

I think if it's your ex husband, then it would be acceptable to say no, however if it was a brief relationship 13 years ago (regardless of how 'intense' it was), its ridiculous to be bothered by it now.

You had your chance then, you ended it for a reason.

atacareercrossroads Sun 09-Dec-12 15:15:13

This friends not dating exes was a 'thing' when I was probably about 16. I think its a bit immature to lay claim on someone you had a fairly brief fling with years ago. The issue here isn't your friend at all, but your feelings for a very old brief flame

SantasBitch Sun 09-Dec-12 15:18:37

I find this really odd. A friend of mine asked me if I would mind if she went out with ex DP about a month after we split up. Why on earth would I have minded? We'd split up - I had no claim on him! If he could have a happy relationship with someone else after we had split up, why would I want to stop it? hmm

MummytoKatie Sun 09-Dec-12 15:18:38

I went out with someone for a year about 13 years ago. I finished it. (For my now husband actually.)

I definitely don't want him back.

But I would still feel very "icky" if my (then and now) best friend started going out with him.

Not really sure why. Probably because he knows what turns me on. And how I like to be touched. And has touched me in that way. And would he use the things I told him I liked on her?

Eewwwww. Just icky really.

The only thing more icky would be to go out with one of her exes. Wondering if what he was doing is what she liked would be the ultimate turn off!

Luckily we are both happily married so our sex lives remain ick free!

HollyBerryBush Sun 09-Dec-12 15:20:53

The OP has unfinished business with her Ex. In her words, it ended when one went overseas - it wasn't a natural end to the relationship.

So many, if, but, maybe's - no wonder she's a bit freaked out by her mate dating this chap.

chrismissymoomoomee Sun 09-Dec-12 15:21:10

My DH is a (now ex) friends ex, she dated him for about three weeks a year before he and I got together and when he and I started seeing each other she called me in bits saying she couldn't bear it as he finished with her blah blah blah, despite the fact she had a partner and was pregnant.

What was I suposed to do? Sacrifice my happiness so her and her partner could get on with their lives? She ended up falling out with me about it, but to be honest if someone is going to be so selfish they aren't worth bothering about anyway.

I was out in my hometown 2 years ago and she saw me in the pub and came marching u demanding to know why I went out with her ex, her poor DH was with her and was mortified, despite 13 years passing she was still harping on about my 'betrayal'.

You need to let it go or you will lose your friend.

WayneDeer Sun 09-Dec-12 15:24:53

I honestly think that you must all inhabit other planets

The OPs friend knew them when they were a couple.
The OP is weirded out by meeting him again.
The friend thinks he's hot.

There are lots of hot men in the world ask her to direct her gaze elsewhere.

This thread reminds me of all the friends who fuck their friend's husbands and boyfriends. All in the name of love or lust

Well what about dignity or loyalty or even empathy.

atacareercrossroads Sun 09-Dec-12 15:25:38

Holly, after 13 years a new dp and 2 kids, the business isn't just finished, its gone into administration and been sold off!!!

chrismissymoomoomee Sun 09-Dec-12 15:29:19

I would never ever 'fuck' someones husband or boyfriend thanks very much wayne hmm I fell in love with my husband, we now have 4 children and have been together for 13 years. Should I not have fallen in love with him because of a 3 week fling with someone?

Where was my 'friends' dignity, loyalty and empathy to me, and her partner for that matter?

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