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To be jealous...

(54 Posts)
WishItCouldBeChristmasEveryday Sun 09-Dec-12 00:49:20

Ok so I kinda know I'm BU and very very selfish, but this is my first post so don't flame me too badly!

Me and DH really want to start ttc but for various (sensible) reasons we've decided to hold off for about a year. I'm bored of being sensible!! We're still fairly young (late 20's) but have been together for the best part of 10 years, and we've always had sensible ideas that we'd wait until we were financially stable, in a suitable home, enjoy grown up holidays whilst we can etc etc.

Originally we were going to start this year, pretty much now, but have now decided to postpone (again) until this time next year due to plans for a big family holiday to Australia (lots of saving, very expensive etc) and I was getting used to this, and trying to control my baby fever (which is sky high right now!) when it's announced that BIL has accidentally "knocked up" the girl he was seeing! I feel like I could cry!! I obviously wouldn't say anything out loud and I am happy for him, but at the same time I'm really selfishly jealous!

We've tried so hard to be careful over the years, and to ttc when it would be right rather than because we just want to and I feel like BIL is getting what I want without trying! I would never say this to anyone in RL as I know how hurt I would be if anyone felt like this about me, so I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.

I'm trying to remember there is a lot more terrible things going on in the world and I'm being a selfish cow because this is clearly not a big problem in comparison, so please feel free to tell me to get a grip hmm

Bearwantsmore Mon 10-Dec-12 06:10:52

I agree with everyone else - get on with it!

However, just to add an extra perspective. If you DO decide to get cracking on the TTC, please don't put the rest of your life on hold. We have close friends who have been TTC for a couple of years now who have forgone several holidays, weddings abroad, etc "just in case" she was pregnant. I know they have said that this has only added to the pressure and they wish they'd been.more relaxed about the timing as it really is outside of your control,

So my advice would be start TTC now but also plan to go to Australia. At the most, maybe just avoid TTC for the couple of months that would mean the baby's birth would coincide with your trip!

LondonKitty Mon 10-Dec-12 05:50:31

I agree with everyone who says there will always be a reason to delay, and also those who have pointed out that ttc does not always lead to an immediate successful pregnancy. But I think you know these things, that's why you want to get on with it.

Go for it and good luck.

As for being pregnant on holidays or family events, most of us have done this and it works out.

But you might consider whether you really want to go on this particular trip.

I assume BIL and his GF are also invited on holiday? You need to think about how you are going to feel about being there with their baby if you are already feeling jealous. Not sure when the holiday is, but if you have not managed to conceive by then, how will you cope with that? Wanting a baby is an extraordinarily powerful instinct, particularly if you are feeling anxious about whether/ when it will all work out. You might find that spending so much time with relatives with a small baby is tortuous when you want one so badly yourself. The holiday might not be enjoyable for you or the people around you if it gets too much.

Maybe ttc should be your focus for the year and go to Australia another time?

ben5 Mon 10-Dec-12 05:44:50

Australia is a long way from the UK but we don't live in the 18th century. We have wonderful hospitals if anything goes wrong while you are here and expecting. Break your journey up. My parents have done a 2 or 3 night stay at Singapore/ Hong Kong/ Bangkok and KL both ways.
My first DS was unplanned and we had to move our wedding ( I was due 15 Dec and wedding planned for 22 Nov!! Glad we did as ds came 28/11!!!) DS 2 was planned for and I fell really quickly and he's my nightmare!!
Good luck on what ever you decide and can't remember who else wrote that you do get loads of stuff for the kid you'll really not have to get in the first 6 mths

Loveweekends10 Mon 10-Dec-12 05:01:47

You can't plan these things that rigorously. I had three miscarriages before eldest dd came along. It took 3 years to conceive her. Then another miscarriage and 6 years to conceive youngest dd.
sod the holidays you will come to regret every holiday you took if you can't get pregnant.

WishItCouldBeChristmasEveryday Mon 10-Dec-12 00:48:23

Flour I know you didn't mean duping! I like that saying to find me some wine grin

VitoCorleone Sun 09-Dec-12 23:51:22

There will never be a right time, something will always come up.

I had a girls holiday to New York booked when i found out i was pregnant with DS2, it didnt stop me going. I flew at 34 weeks with a "fit to fly" letter from my midwife.

Go and make babies!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 23:48:16


AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 23:48:04

Keep saving your money. Book the holiday at the last minute and don't be pressurised to sort it all out a year in advance

But get shagging with intent now

Seriously, go for it

You and your H both want the same thing...there is no other reason required

If it hasn't happened by the time the holiday comes around...then great, go on the holiday

If it has, then if you will work it out

FlourFace Sun 09-Dec-12 23:43:31

I of course do not recommend duping your DH into getting you knocked up but if you are an over thinker and someone who makes decisions based on logic and reason you may never decide to have kids!

As a wise friend once said to me, 'Stop thinking and start drinking, it's what I did.' she is now a very happy mum!! grin

coocooItsSoddingXmasAlready Sun 09-Dec-12 23:39:34

I know how you are feeling! I really want second now but am about to start a new job and DH definitely against it. We had discussed waiting until DS was school age for financial reasons, still saving for deposit for first house buy. Suddenly 2.5 years seems a long way to go.

I plan to try my best to change his mind over the next 12 months....

WishItCouldBeChristmasEveryday Sun 09-Dec-12 23:36:14

I think I just mean I was worried about being 'flamed' (I think that's what I mean) being my first post, was worried I'd come across wrong. I'm starting to get the impression I worry too much! I think it was all said rather nicely, firm and get on with it I guess but not having a go at me iyswimm?

Flour I think that's probably a more productive idea haha! grin Will shut gob more, open legs more wink

jessalwithlove Sun 09-Dec-12 23:35:29

I totally agree with Flourface. I too have had many friends that waited until all settled and could not get pregnant, Once you have one you want the second, I was 29 when I had my DD, Still trying for 2nd 4years later xx

WorraLorraTurkey Sun 09-Dec-12 23:34:51

Flour I do hope that's a joke about unprotected sex rather than a chat?

OP you do need to chat and find out what both your priorities really are.

birthdaypanic Sun 09-Dec-12 23:31:43

Don't wait there will never be a right time.
Years ago I had a lovely teacher everyone adored her, she would have made a brilliant mum so one day we asked why she didn't have children her reply they had been waiting for the right time - 1st buying a house, furnishing it nicely, getting a new car as they wouldn't be able to afford new with a baby, visiting elderly relatives abroad all this took some years. They then ttc and when they eventually realised there was a problem they were too old to get help.
I have never forgotten this lovely lady and would always tell anyone have a baby when you are ready emotionally not financially. I took my own advise and yes there have been times we struggled for money but holding my gorgeous dd's watching them grow into the beautiful women they have become has been wonderful.

FlourFace Sun 09-Dec-12 23:27:09

I don't think you are being selfish at all (there is nothing selfish about not having kids IMO) but what others have said is that you may be being foolish.

Have a bit of unprotected sex rather than a chat eh wink

WishItCouldBeChristmasEveryday Sun 09-Dec-12 23:24:02

Sorry Flour I read it more as a bit of supportive advice than 'stop being such a selfish idiot', not so blunt i guess, but I do appreciate everyone's thoughts smile think me and DH need to sit down and have another chat.
Thank you all for your help and letting me rant!

DIYapprentice Sun 09-Dec-12 23:20:09

Just make sure you have damn good travel insurance which will pay out if you can't go due to pregnancy, and get cracking!

FlourFace Sun 09-Dec-12 23:16:11

I think people actually have said "pull yourself together" etc. They've told you that you are being ridiculous to wait!

gimmecakeandcandy Sun 09-Dec-12 23:14:46

Good god woman you sound about 12. Just get on with it. In a few years time you will read your reasons for delaying and be so blush
A holiday is a crap reason to wait, you are being very blasé about ttc.

LucieMay Sun 09-Dec-12 23:07:46

If everyone waited until the "Perfect" time to have a baby, there'd be far fewer people in the world. Just get cracking.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sun 09-Dec-12 23:05:57

I'm also saying you should get cracking with the ttc

When it comes to babies late twenties is not young at all (though it's not old either)

Best of luck for when you do start trying

maddening Sun 09-Dec-12 22:57:32

Put your savings for mat leave and baby.

maddening Sun 09-Dec-12 22:55:49

Cancel Australia and go for ttc smile

WishItCouldBeChristmasEveryday Sun 09-Dec-12 22:04:45

Thank you all for your replies! Was expecting a lot of "pull yourself together" " get over yourself" comments and you've all been lovely to me on my first post grin

dreaming and totes DH does feel the same as me, sometimes I forget and think my baby fever will scare him and then I'll catch him looking in a catalogue at nursery stuff or whatever and realise he's a good 'un haha!

We've looked into taking kids on holiday and we actually think it would be easier with a tiny baby than with older kids (less likely to leg it, less stuff if breast feeding etc) so it's not necessarily that we don't ever want to go with children, it's more what happens if I'm pregnant and can't fly and that kind of thing.

dreaming as its DH's family that's planning this we can't really move the dates, I think I'm just over thinking it all a bit too much! I'm so tempted to take all of your advice and chuck the pills in the bin grin
I'm also a bit paranoid that if we started now and stopped ttc closer to the time, trying to 'co ordinate' with flights....I know I sound a wee bit mental trying to 'co ordinate' a pregnancy haha! But if for any reason we had to stop before I got pregnant I think I'd go insane worrying if we had fertility issues!

I have just read back through both my posts and can see how I'm over thinking everything I'm gonna get worse when ttc...then pregnancy and then actually raising kids! Thank god for mumsnet haha! grin

dreamingbohemian Sun 09-Dec-12 12:51:22

I took postpone (again) to mean that they have discussed delaying previously due to their other reasons for waiting (home, job, etc.) In which case, this holiday might just be a bridge too far for the OP.

I agree with you though, if I definitely wanted to take a big trip across the world, I would do it before DC. Obviously you can do it with DC but in my experience anyway it's just not the same.

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