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To be jealous...

(54 Posts)
WishItCouldBeChristmasEveryday Sun 09-Dec-12 00:49:20

Ok so I kinda know I'm BU and very very selfish, but this is my first post so don't flame me too badly!

Me and DH really want to start ttc but for various (sensible) reasons we've decided to hold off for about a year. I'm bored of being sensible!! We're still fairly young (late 20's) but have been together for the best part of 10 years, and we've always had sensible ideas that we'd wait until we were financially stable, in a suitable home, enjoy grown up holidays whilst we can etc etc.

Originally we were going to start this year, pretty much now, but have now decided to postpone (again) until this time next year due to plans for a big family holiday to Australia (lots of saving, very expensive etc) and I was getting used to this, and trying to control my baby fever (which is sky high right now!) when it's announced that BIL has accidentally "knocked up" the girl he was seeing! I feel like I could cry!! I obviously wouldn't say anything out loud and I am happy for him, but at the same time I'm really selfishly jealous!

We've tried so hard to be careful over the years, and to ttc when it would be right rather than because we just want to and I feel like BIL is getting what I want without trying! I would never say this to anyone in RL as I know how hurt I would be if anyone felt like this about me, so I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.

I'm trying to remember there is a lot more terrible things going on in the world and I'm being a selfish cow because this is clearly not a big problem in comparison, so please feel free to tell me to get a grip hmm

dreamingbohemian Sun 09-Dec-12 10:03:48

Aw, life that is a sweet story, glad you have a happy ending smile

Actually in thinking about what samandi said, it's true that I did need to get a lot of crazy travelling out of my system before being ready to have DC.

But, I don't think I would have made DH wait a whole year to ttc, if I knew he felt differently.

So it goes back to, does your DH know how you feel about this?

And also, can you compromise? Perhaps go for a shorter time so you don't need to save as much money? Can the dates be pushed forward so you don't have to wait a whole year?

Indith Sun 09-Dec-12 10:13:21

What everyone else said.

You have the holiday then the car will need replacing, or one of you might not be happy at work and want to wait until you've moved job, or while you were all having fun in Aus some said how great it would be to go to South America or maybe have your dream holiday seeing the Northern Lights before you have a baby. After all a lot of women wait until their late 30s don't they?

If you want a baby have a baby.

I am the only one of my university peers to have children. Most people are still with/married to the same person they were with at uni. Most of them want children. But all are way too used to the lifestyle they have without children. The 2 incomes, the holidays, teh freedom to all meet down the pub on a Sunday night without having to take it in turns/book a babysitter/bring a baby along. Many are volunteers in various organisations too and do a LOT of even planning, trips away and so on which they love and woul have to cut back on if they had kids. None seems ready to take that leap yet. I understand it but sometimes I do worry that when they are ready it will be too late.

So if you are married, stable, both want children. What are you doing putting it off?

ovenchips Sun 09-Dec-12 11:27:48

I agree with the consensus.

Also, what I never considered before having children (I have two) was timings if you might want more than one child.

My focus was on when I would have a baby and it didn't really occur to me that that is just the beginning of the years of having babies. (Though am fully prepared to concede this may just be me being spectacularly dopey).

So I had my first at 35 but it didn't occur to me that that meant I would be having a second child in my late thirties and, if I wanted a third, it would have meant having a baby in my forties (nothing wrong with this, though obviously you are more likely to have fertility issues).

Someone wrote, in a blog i think, that they thought about how many children in theory they might want (it was 4) and what was the oldest they would want to be when they had their 4th NOT their 1st then planned backwards from that. The maths was that they should start trying for their first well, pretty much immediately!

I was with my DH for 10 years before we started TTC. Very stable relationship and we knew all along we wanted children. I honestly have no idea now why we waited so long.

If you have met the right person, you both want DC and there are no serious reasons for delaying, I now think - just do it!

samandi Sun 09-Dec-12 12:26:35

Also it's easy going on holiday when preg or with a tiny infant.

What, to Australia? When you've got morning sickness or aren't even allowed to fly because you're too far along? Or when you're recovering from the birth? For everyone?

Originally we were going to start this year, pretty much now, but have now decided to postpone (again) until this time next year due to plans for a big family holiday to Australia

If you were originally going to start now then you're not postponing again, surely?

dreamingbohemian Sun 09-Dec-12 12:51:22

I took postpone (again) to mean that they have discussed delaying previously due to their other reasons for waiting (home, job, etc.) In which case, this holiday might just be a bridge too far for the OP.

I agree with you though, if I definitely wanted to take a big trip across the world, I would do it before DC. Obviously you can do it with DC but in my experience anyway it's just not the same.

WishItCouldBeChristmasEveryday Sun 09-Dec-12 22:04:45

Thank you all for your replies! Was expecting a lot of "pull yourself together" " get over yourself" comments and you've all been lovely to me on my first post grin

dreaming and totes DH does feel the same as me, sometimes I forget and think my baby fever will scare him and then I'll catch him looking in a catalogue at nursery stuff or whatever and realise he's a good 'un haha!

We've looked into taking kids on holiday and we actually think it would be easier with a tiny baby than with older kids (less likely to leg it, less stuff if breast feeding etc) so it's not necessarily that we don't ever want to go with children, it's more what happens if I'm pregnant and can't fly and that kind of thing.

dreaming as its DH's family that's planning this we can't really move the dates, I think I'm just over thinking it all a bit too much! I'm so tempted to take all of your advice and chuck the pills in the bin grin
I'm also a bit paranoid that if we started now and stopped ttc closer to the time, trying to 'co ordinate' with flights....I know I sound a wee bit mental trying to 'co ordinate' a pregnancy haha! But if for any reason we had to stop before I got pregnant I think I'd go insane worrying if we had fertility issues!

I have just read back through both my posts and can see how I'm over thinking everything I'm gonna get worse when ttc...then pregnancy and then actually raising kids! Thank god for mumsnet haha! grin

maddening Sun 09-Dec-12 22:55:49

Cancel Australia and go for ttc smile

maddening Sun 09-Dec-12 22:57:32

Put your savings for mat leave and baby.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sun 09-Dec-12 23:05:57

I'm also saying you should get cracking with the ttc

When it comes to babies late twenties is not young at all (though it's not old either)

Best of luck for when you do start trying

LucieMay Sun 09-Dec-12 23:07:46

If everyone waited until the "Perfect" time to have a baby, there'd be far fewer people in the world. Just get cracking.

gimmecakeandcandy Sun 09-Dec-12 23:14:46

Good god woman you sound about 12. Just get on with it. In a few years time you will read your reasons for delaying and be so blush
A holiday is a crap reason to wait, you are being very blasé about ttc.

FlourFace Sun 09-Dec-12 23:16:11

I think people actually have said "pull yourself together" etc. They've told you that you are being ridiculous to wait!

DIYapprentice Sun 09-Dec-12 23:20:09

Just make sure you have damn good travel insurance which will pay out if you can't go due to pregnancy, and get cracking!

WishItCouldBeChristmasEveryday Sun 09-Dec-12 23:24:02

Sorry Flour I read it more as a bit of supportive advice than 'stop being such a selfish idiot', not so blunt i guess, but I do appreciate everyone's thoughts smile think me and DH need to sit down and have another chat.
Thank you all for your help and letting me rant!

FlourFace Sun 09-Dec-12 23:27:09

I don't think you are being selfish at all (there is nothing selfish about not having kids IMO) but what others have said is that you may be being foolish.

Have a bit of unprotected sex rather than a chat eh wink

birthdaypanic Sun 09-Dec-12 23:31:43

Don't wait there will never be a right time.
Years ago I had a lovely teacher everyone adored her, she would have made a brilliant mum so one day we asked why she didn't have children her reply they had been waiting for the right time - 1st buying a house, furnishing it nicely, getting a new car as they wouldn't be able to afford new with a baby, visiting elderly relatives abroad all this took some years. They then ttc and when they eventually realised there was a problem they were too old to get help.
I have never forgotten this lovely lady and would always tell anyone have a baby when you are ready emotionally not financially. I took my own advise and yes there have been times we struggled for money but holding my gorgeous dd's watching them grow into the beautiful women they have become has been wonderful.

WorraLorraTurkey Sun 09-Dec-12 23:34:51

Flour I do hope that's a joke about unprotected sex rather than a chat?

OP you do need to chat and find out what both your priorities really are.

jessalwithlove Sun 09-Dec-12 23:35:29

I totally agree with Flourface. I too have had many friends that waited until all settled and could not get pregnant, Once you have one you want the second, I was 29 when I had my DD, Still trying for 2nd 4years later xx

WishItCouldBeChristmasEveryday Sun 09-Dec-12 23:36:14

I think I just mean I was worried about being 'flamed' (I think that's what I mean) being my first post, was worried I'd come across wrong. I'm starting to get the impression I worry too much! I think it was all said rather nicely, firm and get on with it I guess but not having a go at me iyswimm?

Flour I think that's probably a more productive idea haha! grin Will shut gob more, open legs more wink

coocooItsSoddingXmasAlready Sun 09-Dec-12 23:39:34

I know how you are feeling! I really want second now but am about to start a new job and DH definitely against it. We had discussed waiting until DS was school age for financial reasons, still saving for deposit for first house buy. Suddenly 2.5 years seems a long way to go.

I plan to try my best to change his mind over the next 12 months....

FlourFace Sun 09-Dec-12 23:43:31

I of course do not recommend duping your DH into getting you knocked up but if you are an over thinker and someone who makes decisions based on logic and reason you may never decide to have kids!

As a wise friend once said to me, 'Stop thinking and start drinking, it's what I did.' she is now a very happy mum!! grin

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 23:48:04

Keep saving your money. Book the holiday at the last minute and don't be pressurised to sort it all out a year in advance

But get shagging with intent now

Seriously, go for it

You and your H both want the same thing...there is no other reason required

If it hasn't happened by the time the holiday comes around...then great, go on the holiday

If it has, then if you will work it out

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 23:48:16


VitoCorleone Sun 09-Dec-12 23:51:22

There will never be a right time, something will always come up.

I had a girls holiday to New York booked when i found out i was pregnant with DS2, it didnt stop me going. I flew at 34 weeks with a "fit to fly" letter from my midwife.

Go and make babies!

WishItCouldBeChristmasEveryday Mon 10-Dec-12 00:48:23

Flour I know you didn't mean duping! I like that saying to find me some wine grin

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