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AIBU?

to tell my DH I'm not prepared to go through the same charade of having to be best mates with his brother's new wife (number three)

18 replies

quesadilla · 08/12/2012 14:32

DH comes from another country and we are going over there for xmas for my dd to meet the in-laws. DH's younger brother is a serial monogomist who, at 37, is on his third wife (and has had numerous other failed live-in relationships.) He has been married and divorced twice in the past five years. Each of the wives has a child by him and the new wife (to whom he's been married for less than a month) is now PG. Every time I've been over there the brother has been very keen for me to get to know and spend time with each of his previous wives, to the point where it was bizarre and somewhat irritating (last time he took it upon himself to arrange for me to go for a pedicure with wife number 2 before I'd even arrived in the country or met her.) Wife number 2 then wanted to keep in touch via email etc even though I barely knew her which was fine but I now feel a bit uncomfortable as she emails me asking if I know what's going on with the new wife. Its a country where people are very warm and welcoming and family is a big deal so I accept up to a point that this is cultural and I have to suck a bit of this up. But the brother has just called me now and put wife number 3 on the phone and told me he's going to arrange for us to have a girl's night out. I can't face going through this rigmarole yet again with another woman who is almost certainly going to be unceremoniously dumped within two years, it makes me feel really uncomfortable: I'd rather take it at my own pace and see if I like her without all this forced couples jollity which I know will probably go wrong. Would IBU to tell DH not again, sorry, I'll meet her at xmas and take it at my own pace? Or do I have to go along with it?

OP posts:

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WorraLorraTurkey · 08/12/2012 14:36

Why tell your DH?

It's your BIL making the arrangements isn't it, or have I misunderstood?

Just tell him if you fancy popping out with her you'll arrange it yourself.

Pancakeflipper · 08/12/2012 14:38

Oh I have this with my BIL. Never actually made it down the aisle though ( and only 1 kid). has a lovely collection of engagement rings ( he even gave me one of them cos' I thought it was pretty). My BIL's ex's all have the same first name which does make easier for us all.

I would do the evening out but make it low key and don't be out for ages and don't emotionally invest. I still have one of BIL's fiancées in my life because I spent years doing coupley things with them before he cheated on her and I like her. BIL's parents hate me for it. It makes things tricky.

DoIgetastickerforthat · 08/12/2012 14:38

YWNBU to say no to this and I think that the fact that this man thinks he has the right to dictate how other people conduct their relationships is a major clue as to why his relationships end up in the shitter after a couple of years.

nochipsthanks · 08/12/2012 14:39

I am in two minds about this. but my overwhelming thought is that it is not Wife 3's fault that her Dh is a twat. She has gone into the marriage undoubtedly filled with love and hope for her future and no doubt feels some trepidation at meeting all the friends and family and is anxious about that. So maybe just be as friendly with her as you would be with the new partner of anyone else? You may feel deja vu about it all, but for her it is new and her life. (IYKWIM).

I feel for her as i am a wife number 2, and I got really cold shouldered by alot of Dh's friends, even though i was not the other woman. (His ex ran off with someone- not that it matters). But for other people it was like 'oh been there done that' but for me it was MY life, and i was trying to make my own way with my relationship. So I can see how you must feel utter distaste with your BIL, but his twattishness is no the fault of the new wife.

Not sure I explained that well. :)

FellatioNelson · 08/12/2012 14:40

Oh dear. How awkward. I understand how you feel, but none of that is the wife's fault, and she (and he) probably genuinely believes at this point that it is for life, and they just want everyone to get along. your cynicism is totally understandable though. I would get DH to have a word with his brother and say that you really don't feel comfortable with being railroaded into an enforced friendship, and you'd prefer to get to know her gradually and on your own terms when you arrive for a visit, and could he refrain from trying to manage your social life for you.

But on no account mention it is about your cynicism over the marriage. This one may last.

nochipsthanks · 08/12/2012 14:42

And what Fellatio said about him managing your social life.

WorraLorraTurkey · 08/12/2012 14:43

I understood it nochips

I think since the OP's BIL's relationships are nothing to do with her, she should treat each new woman 'normally' and stop over thinking the future.

So what if they do split up? She's been sociable to her...not opened a business together.

However, I wouldn't stand for anyone arranging nights/days out for me as that's something I would want to do myself if I felt we got on well.

quesadilla · 08/12/2012 14:56

Worra reason I have to tell DH is that BIL's English isn't good enough for me to tell him directly. I speak a bit of his native tongue but not enough to be able to talk about something as complex and prone to misinterpretation as this. Interestingly each of the three wives does speak English and that's partly why he wants to do this, I think.

I have no problem with the wives I just am irritated )a that he keeps trying to organize my social life and b) that he apparently thinks nothing of putting me in this position again and again.

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 08/12/2012 15:09

If they are a family orientated and socially outgoing coulture, then it would be normal for people to forge close relationships.

For the sake of family, including your DH, would it just not be easier to make a friend of this woman, whom you may actually like?

Their perception of you may be taht you are either shy or aloof?

quesadilla · 08/12/2012 15:25

Holly yes you're right, I think they would find it quite off if I didn't go along with this. I'm quite happy to get to know the woman herself I have nothing whatsoever against her. I just am irritated that this guy is making plans on my behalf without asking me first and I want him to knock it on the head but I think the only way to do this would be to ask my DH to tell him on my behalf and that would probably upset the new wife and cause a major family diplomatic incident so maybe I do just have to suck it up.

OP posts:

WorraLorraTurkey · 08/12/2012 15:28

Ahh that makes sense with the language thing.

You might want to find out how to say, "Stay the fuck out of my social life...you're not an events planner"

ImperialBlether · 08/12/2012 15:34

Ask him if you can meet them before he gets them pregnant, as you'd like a nice long chat with them.

quesadilla · 08/12/2012 15:54

Worra I will have to add that to my ever-growing list of profane phrases in this language. That would come in very handy.

OP posts:

ChristmasIsForPlutocrats · 08/12/2012 18:12

Ask him if you can meet them before he gets them pregnant, as you'd like a nice long chat with them.

Great idea!

lljkk · 08/12/2012 18:16

I would view getting to know her as its own entertainment, part of the fun of observing the BIL's ... er, unpredictable life.

It's no skin off your nose, really, is it?

zipzap · 08/12/2012 19:28

Any way that you could get your dh to explain that although it might be normal in his country/culture to do this, it isn't in yours, so that it makes you feel very uncomfortable? And that you're not trying to be rude but he needs to be aware that the way he is going about things would be considered rude in your culture. That you'll try to meet him half way but not to orce it too much...

jeanvaljean · 08/12/2012 20:38

I have this exact same issue but it's with my brother and his endless string of girlfriends / mothers of his multiple children. I haven't got much advice other than that I try to keep my distance and rebuff his attempts to drag me into bolstering his latest relationship. Essentially he does it to 'prove' to his latest flame that he is normal and has a good family etc. Then he gets them up the duff and dumps them. Just try and keep out of it!

PigletJohn · 08/12/2012 20:39

"I'd love to, but I've arranged to go out that day with your ex-wives no's 1 and 2"

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