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Partners ex refuses to buy dsd a new bra....

(128 Posts)
humptydidit Sat 08-Dec-12 12:23:28

Briefly... Dp's ex recently made a payment of £1000 through CSA for arrears accrued over the last 5 years. His regular payments from CSA have been £50 per month so this was a great unexpected windfall.

Dp went out and bought dsd and dss christmas presents (an x box and a tablet computer thing), took dsd to a martial arts competition (costing approx £100 in total), paid dsd's martial arts training fees for the month (£50) and generally stocked up the cupboards ready for christmas etc etc.

As you can imagine, it has mostly gone now.

Cut to today, dsd is out shopping with her mum. We are being bombarded by dsd and ex-wife by texts demanding that dp pays for a new bra for dsd (15). Dp said no based on the fact that he is off work at the moment and money is tight and also that dsd has at least 3 other bras in the correct size in her drawer which she refuses to wear because they are not padded enough hmm

dp eventually agreed to go halves on the bra but that wasn't good enough and is now getting it in the neck because of the £1000 payout.

AIBU to think that if ex-wife agreed to take dsd shopping, then she should at least go halves on it? Especially since it is an extra, not an essential.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sat 08-Dec-12 14:58:34

apologies for crap typing, i spilt tea on my laptop.

piprabbit Sat 08-Dec-12 15:04:29

If you can't afford a whole bra, don't go on a shopping trip with your child and tell them they can have a bra.

And definitely don't start a row about who is paying for said bra.

I can think of nothing more guaranteed to humiliate and upset the child than having at least 3 adults bickering about the contents of her underwear drawer.

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 08-Dec-12 16:03:14

Despite getting child tax credits and child benefit, you struggled to provide essential school uniform. Rather than be sensible with the maintainance it was blown on non essesntials and poor dsd has adults arguing over who should pay for her underwear! Poor thing. Who cares if she has a couple already, im willing to bet you buy yourself non essential items.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 08-Dec-12 16:30:18

I'm sure that if the NRP were male there would be cries of controlling bastard.

Moominsarescary Sat 08-Dec-12 16:32:21

No if my exp took the dc shopping for non essential items I would not be going halfs

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 08-Dec-12 16:43:20

Add message | Report | Message poster BoneyBackJefferson Sat 08-Dec-12 16:30:18
I'm sure that if the NRP were male there would be cries of controlling bastard.

Unlikely I've seen many a thread in aibu where the sexes of the nrp and pwc are reversed and most of the time they say the same thing pwc who receives the maintenance is responsible for the essential buys.

Fwiw I once asked my none maintenance paying ex to put a tenner towards a disability aid for our child as I had taken the wrong card out and he was parked outside the shop and got called a money grabbing cunt.

Yes it would be nice if the nrp brought something that's needed but you can't make them.equally as such the nrp should not have offered to buy it if she depended on the pwc paying half.because that's not really on. But if the child needs a bra it's down to the pwc to get it

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 08-Dec-12 16:49:35


But in this case the NRP is using the child to against the RP, you can't have it unless RP pays.

Sounds like the NRP is forcing the issue, especially as she is throwing maintence (and owed maintence at that) back at them.

The NRP shouldn't have gone shopping with the DSD if she was not going to pay.

nkf Sat 08-Dec-12 16:50:02

None of this makes any sense at all. The girl's mother should buy her a bra. And whoever has no job and just blew £1K on Christmas needs their head seeing to.

ChocHobNob Sat 08-Dec-12 16:51:02

I can see where you're coming from Sock, but a bra? It'll cost a few quid. Mum could have just seen it as a nice bonding exercise with DD and bought it. Ringing Dad and demanding he buys DD a bra or refunds money she pays for one is not great for the DD is it? Especially if she witnesses it. It seems incredibly petty of Mum. If DD needs a lot of essentials and doesn't feel able to speak to Dad about them then Mum should approach him and discuss it. But one measly bra on a shopping trip? She should have just bought it for her daughter.

nkf Sat 08-Dec-12 16:51:24

And padded? Seriously?

JaquelineHyOnChristmasSpirit Sat 08-Dec-12 17:22:07

nfk if you had read the thread you would have realised that the DP had a job when the money that was owed was paid back and so used it to buy some extra special Xmas presents. This was a little while ago. He is now unable to work as he is ill.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 08-Dec-12 17:29:07

In all fairness the op has not said that the nrp took the child on a fun shopping trip. For all we know they were in town doing normal grocery shopping and the dc just asked for a bra.

For all we know the pwc is one who sends the dc to the nrp dressed in rags to try and guilt them.

For all we know the nrp thinks the dc's needs are not being met by the pwc and its pissed them off because they recently paid up.

The only things we do know are the nrp is a twat who had arrears and the pwc cannot budget well and blew a grand on Christmas.

nfk padded bras are very helpful if you have prominent nipple issues and feel uncomfortable with people seeing them

nkf Sat 08-Dec-12 17:29:48

Ok. I get that. But there was a whole post about borrowing money for this that and the other. I think the mother is in the wrong (the OP's question) but the father sounds as if he shows bad judgemeent. You could do a lot better with £1k than an xbox.

nkf Sat 08-Dec-12 17:30:46

Which wasn't the OP's question. Just my twopence.

Arisbottle Sat 08-Dec-12 17:36:22

The mother sounds a nightmare taking the daughter for a shopping trip she can't afford .

Your partner sounds like an irresponsible twit for blowing the maintenance on silly luxuries .

A poor child is caught in the middle of this.

Arisbottle Sat 08-Dec-12 17:38:26

My daughters both wear slightly padded bras, shields their nipples. For young girls in particular budding breasts can be painful and uneven and a slight layer of padding covers that.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 08-Dec-12 17:55:47


We do know that the NRP has form for not paying maintence and we do know that the NRP is using the payout against the op and her DP.

She doesn't sound very nice to me and she does sound controlling.

Jingleallthejay Sat 08-Dec-12 19:11:48

And padded? Seriously?

girls wear padded bras for modesty mostly well my daughters do and it is difficult to get a bra with no padding anyway

Jingleallthejay Sat 08-Dec-12 19:13:55

I am still reading this , shock at the adults in this kids life I know it took many years to get the back money but for crying out loud is this how it goes non stop , you pay half of this or that, hmm

nkf Sat 08-Dec-12 19:19:25

If it's difficult to get a bra with no padding, it's because a market has been created for it and young girls are made to look bigger than they are. I don't buy this modesty argument. When did this idea start? It's like the shaving pubes for hygiene purposes. Just one more thing young girls and women are made to purchase/buy into.

Jingleallthejay Sat 08-Dec-12 19:21:03

My dd said you could see right through her bra when she first got 1 and felt uncomfortable they wear t shirt bras not wonder bras confused do you have daughters nfk ?

nkf Sat 08-Dec-12 19:21:55

Yes. I have daughters.

simplesusan Sat 08-Dec-12 19:22:51

I have not read every post but here is my two pennerth worth.

At 15 I would be concerned about a child wanting a very padded bra- not good.
It should be the mum who buys the bra.
Buy an inexpensive bra.
Have a serious chat about body image and feeling confident about your changing body.

Stop arguing/being petty around children. They didn't ask for all this hostility. And before you say we don't argue infront of them, they can still sense hostility.

Jingleallthejay Sat 08-Dec-12 19:25:51

are they bra wearing age ? when you have girls who are growing and changing sometimes you do what you can for them And if they are comfortable in a t shirt bra then that is what they will get it maybe all well and good saying it is just a nipple but then you may get other kids /boys commenting , meh it is just a bra no under wire if that makes it any better nfk

lovebunny Sat 08-Dec-12 19:36:32

it seems really creepy to me that anyone would post about their daughter's bras. and ridiculous to argue about who pays for them.

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