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Partners ex refuses to buy dsd a new bra....

(128 Posts)
humptydidit Sat 08-Dec-12 12:23:28

Briefly... Dp's ex recently made a payment of £1000 through CSA for arrears accrued over the last 5 years. His regular payments from CSA have been £50 per month so this was a great unexpected windfall.

Dp went out and bought dsd and dss christmas presents (an x box and a tablet computer thing), took dsd to a martial arts competition (costing approx £100 in total), paid dsd's martial arts training fees for the month (£50) and generally stocked up the cupboards ready for christmas etc etc.

As you can imagine, it has mostly gone now.

Cut to today, dsd is out shopping with her mum. We are being bombarded by dsd and ex-wife by texts demanding that dp pays for a new bra for dsd (15). Dp said no based on the fact that he is off work at the moment and money is tight and also that dsd has at least 3 other bras in the correct size in her drawer which she refuses to wear because they are not padded enough hmm

dp eventually agreed to go halves on the bra but that wasn't good enough and is now getting it in the neck because of the £1000 payout.

AIBU to think that if ex-wife agreed to take dsd shopping, then she should at least go halves on it? Especially since it is an extra, not an essential.

squeakytoy Sat 08-Dec-12 12:49:11

and at 15, if she wants a new bra because she wants rather than needs, she should buy it out of her own money..

givemeaclue Sat 08-Dec-12 12:50:21

Yes I thought same as squeaky

humptydidit Sat 08-Dec-12 12:52:32

Just to clarify....
Dsd and dss both live full time with dp who claims child benefit and tax credits etc for them.
I realise that xbox and tablet are non-essential but at the time windfall came, dp was working and is currently sick.
It was actually me who took dsd to buy the last lot of bras and dp pays for all clothes, activities etc etc usually.

I guess, the point is though, that is it fair to take a teenager for a day round the shops and then say that she can't afford to buy her anything... I personally wouldn't have taken her.
Is it fair to throw the £1000 back in your ex#s face everytine the topic of money comes up? Dp has not argued, he stated from the start that he would go halves, and ex-w and dsd are the ones demanding and saying he is being completely unfair.

LadyBeagleBaublesandBells Sat 08-Dec-12 12:53:04

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sat 08-Dec-12 12:53:41

poor girl.

how does he know her breasts haven't grown and her mum has just had her measured whilst out. she is 15. it isn't beyond the realms of possibility. and it isn't for her father to decide she cant still fit in the other ones. i wouldn't think twice about paying for essential clothing for my child. and yes, i would consider child support payments to be exactly for things like this. essentials!

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sat 08-Dec-12 12:54:50

i feel very sorry for this girl who will have to ask for lots of essential things from either parent over the next few years if it's going to be this much of a row everytime.

Witchety Sat 08-Dec-12 12:56:17

She has likely outgrown what she has!

squeakytoy Sat 08-Dec-12 12:57:35

I cant understand all the angst though over a bloody bra. They are a fiver or less in sainsburys.

Aspiemum2 Sat 08-Dec-12 12:59:18

Has the ex told dsd about the £1000 then? I bet she has!
My ex avoided paying maintenance for as long as possible and when finally made to pay told the dc's "I pay her to look after you"

Either way though dc's stuck in the middle is my pet hate. I would pay for the bra and be done with it just to save any issues. Being 15 is a tough age without your parents bickering over something so personal. Somebody has to be the adult here and as a bra isn't stupidly expensive I don't see the need to make it an issue

JaquelineHyOnChristmasSpirit Sat 08-Dec-12 13:00:11

Humpty I think you and yoru dp are in the right here.

You have ensured that DD has all the essentials she needs (despite her dm never paying the correct maintenance) DD now wants an extra bra that she doesn't need and dm is using it as a way to try and make your dp out to be the bad guy.

Stick to your guns and when dd comes back just check with her to see if her size has changed since you last took her shopping.

quirrelquarrel Sat 08-Dec-12 13:00:30

Can either side not afford an £8 bra? H&M do nice padded ones for £7.99.
I don't think that five bras is unreasonable for a teenager.
And I can't believe there wasn't a simple yes or no to the girl. If you're not willing to pay, say no, and don't drag it into a big issue (directed towards her mum, not you).

JaquelineHyOnChristmasSpirit Sat 08-Dec-12 13:04:34

If it is a cheap bra then the DM should have just got it for her daughter and not rung up her dad demanding he pays for it after all it is a shopping trip she has taken her daughter on.

Why on earth should her dad have to pay for a shopping trip her mum has taken her on regardless of what it is dd wants!

Inertia Sat 08-Dec-12 13:07:00

Whichever parent gets the child benefit for her should buy her clothes.

Jingleallthejay Sat 08-Dec-12 13:09:02

It is a Bra poor girl must be mortified get her a bloody bra FGS pay half and stop bickering over it I cant believe you are putting this girl through this for underwear i feel sorry for her,

bedmonster Sat 08-Dec-12 13:09:51

Blimey, I only have 3 bras that I wear regularly confused

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Sat 08-Dec-12 13:13:58

Ringing up to go halves on a BRA??!! Yes, a PC, a pony, but a BRA??? The DM is obviously pissed at having to finally fork out maintenance, but this is ridiculous, the only one she's hurting is her DD

humptydidit Sat 08-Dec-12 13:14:37

jaqueline thank you, that's what I was trying to get at.

AT the end of the day, it's not about the money, it's throwing the bloody £1000 back in dp's face all the time like it's some kind of special favour, when he has struggled for the last 5 years to bring up his dc's with little financial support. For example, he has only just recently paid back £200 he had to borrow in order to buy dsd and dss new school uniforms over the summer which ex-w point blank refused to contribute to. and prior to that, he had to borrow another £200 towards a year 6 residential trip to an outdoor centre for dss, which ex-w said dss shouldn't go on because she refused to contribute to.

So you are right ladies, the bra really is irrelevant, it's the principle!!!! grin

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Sat 08-Dec-12 13:14:54

Tell her to shove it, you will buy the girl a bra. Money can't be that tight, you can get quite nice bras from primark for £4

HildaOgden Sat 08-Dec-12 13:16:03

I don't care which adult is right or wrong about this,legally or morally.

The last thing I would argue with a troublesome ex over is underwear for the child who is at the centre of the break-up.

I suggest that at least one of the adults shows some dignity and just pays for the underwear on this occasion.

In future,set aside a budget for clothing for her (to include essentials such as underwear) and put her in charge of spending it wisely (with adult supervision,if necessary).Set down some ground rules for the next time this happens...(and it will,except next time it will be about tampons)

This is such a petty,point scoring squabble that need never have happened.I'd suggest also that dsd has picked up on the nastiness between the 2 parents and learned how to manipulate both of them.

gettingeasier Sat 08-Dec-12 13:19:27

God the XW sounds like a typical bastard XH we hear about

This will sound rude but why havent you kept some of the back maintenance for a rainy day ? Just dont get that

quirrelquarrel Sat 08-Dec-12 13:20:17

bedmonster but you're not a sweaty teenager who has to change for PE.....

quirrelquarrel Sat 08-Dec-12 13:20:27

I'm assuming!

Hegsy Sat 08-Dec-12 13:20:31

Sounds like dsd is possibly playing both sides against the middle! Either way you don't take your child on a shopping trip then say you can't buy them anything. This gives me such rage! My brothers dad does similar ie last month they were out and my brother asked for a computer game got told no 'cant afford it. Ask your mum I give her money for you' the next week brother goes to his dads and he's bought the fucking game for himself! What kind of person does that?

Oh and if dsd mother is only paying £50 a month maintenance the least she can do is buy her daughter a £5 bra!

Rudolphstolemycarrots Sat 08-Dec-12 13:20:48

tell her you will happily pay for a bra when she moves up a size.

thebody Sat 08-Dec-12 13:23:16

But bras are £4.00 from primark... What the actual fuck?

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