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Is he BU or do I need 'psyciatric help and anger management'?

(91 Posts)
Wossit Sat 08-Dec-12 09:55:36

My youngest DC has the norovirus, hes young so only wants me. Ive been up to my armpits in sick, poo and washing. In the last three days I took him out the houss twice (school run) he was sick all down his all-in-one coat the first time, through every layer, it was covered. The second it was poo through every layer, up and down his back.

Yesterday DP was at work, I had enough food to give the eldest breakfast and lunch but that was it. No food for me, which was fine but I was waiting to see if the youngest could fare a trip to Tesco. He was just sick so figured his stomach could be rested enough to do a quick trip (we had no dinner, and DP was going straight from work to take DC1 to swimming so wouldnt have the chance) I blitz round tesco, get to the till, type in my pin wrong once and locks my card (apparently Id typed it in wrong in the past) cant get my shopping, cant call my bank my phones at home.

I drive home, get my phone try to drive back and my car starts failing. Its 3pm now and Im starving and worried the baby'll puke again.

I call DP and tell him my predicament, he finishes early, goes to tesco and they put all the food away!! He comes back with nothing!

I go mad for a good minute or two, I shout that its been a shit day, Im hungry, my cars broken, the baby is due to puke or poo and now DP is telling me its too late hes taking DC1 to swimming lessons he'll be back at about 5.20.

Im pissed right off but he gives me some biscuits, what else can I do?

This morning I tell him about a nightmare I had and he said, with a look of disgust on his face, "I think you need psychiatric help." Wtf?!

I tell him thats a shit thing to say, he starts saying I was an angry PITA yesterday and I need anger management! WTF?! It had all got ontop of me, I didnt scream, throw things or hit anyone. I just shouted for a minute, two maximum.

And its rare that ever happens! I said tell me one other time Id been angry like that in the last few months? Or longer! He couldnt.

But nope, he says I need psychiatric help because of my nightmares (he never dreams, I do, he thinks Im weird) and I need anger management because things got to me yesterday.

Is he BU or am I?

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 08-Dec-12 12:41:15

OK I cross posted (too slow at typing). So he phoned you, he did know there was no food. So he chose to PUNISH you by keeping you hungry.

Huge, huge, arse. And a lot worse. sad

suburbophobe Sat 08-Dec-12 12:44:45

goes to tesco - He comes back with nothing!

he gives me some biscuits

And he criticises YOUR parenting??


IneedAsockamnesty Sat 08-Dec-12 12:45:00

I agree that he's being an arse but, is his view on nightmares or dreams a new thing? If not why on earth are you telling him about yours?

Doing so just gives him ammo for future digs at you. Given that he's attacking your parenting and your mental health it's not a big stretch to think that those are weapons he's going to attempt to use against you in the future.

One day it may be bigger digs than just simple rows, so don't give him the ammo.

Oh and stop taking sick people out and about quite aside from passing it on to all and sundry it's putting you in stressful situations that you don't need to be in.

Did you seriously have nothing in the freezer or cupboards at all? Or was it just nothing you fancied eating.if its really nothing just make sure it doesn't happen again ( even if its not very exciting) so you can avoid handing the responsibility evader with delusions of his own superiority but the emotional range of a slug a stick to beat you with.

Wossit Sat 08-Dec-12 12:50:45

"Or was it that there was nothing you fancied eating." I ate a scabby tin of macrel. It had nothing to do with fussiness.

I had stuff in the freezer and cupboard, it all got used over the days because we'd not been able to get out to Tesco.

Yes DP should have gone, yes I should have online shopped, yes this is my fault.

diddl Sat 08-Dec-12 12:55:32

Shopping online wouldn´t occur to me at all tbh.

So he was in the shop, couldn´t pick up the shop that you had done & didn´t think to phone & ask you what he should get??
(If he really couldn´t think for himself)

Does he have no idea of the sort of stuff you eat then?

Sometimes I phone my husband up to pick stuff up on the way home-because the weather has been shit & I cba to go out on my bike.

Of course it isn´t your fault.

He was in the fucking shop!

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 08-Dec-12 12:59:27

No, this is not your fault.

You have had several days of caring for a small child with a serious illness who already has immunity issues. This had interrupted the normal routine to the extent that you now HAD to get food into the house. Yes, online shopping was an option, but not one that occurred to you - this happens when you're stressed out. And you have good reason to be stressed out. I would be in your shoes.

Your ill son was the priority. Your DP appears to have made no allowances for his care, despite, presumably, being his own boss and therefore in control of the hours he works. The sensible thing, given that you would have preferred not to have taken your son out in the first place, would have been for him to have VOLUNTEERED to have gone food shopping while you tended your son. He does eat the food brought into the house, doesn't he? He's a little old to believe in the grocery fairy.

You are not the problem Wossit, he is. And the whole psychiatric help/anger management thing - smells a little bit too much like gaslighting to me. He wants you to doubt yourself and your natural reactions.

Wossit Sat 08-Dec-12 13:10:52

Thats interesting and a little unerving, thats exactly what it feels like he was doing.

Ok, well. He's just walked in. Will speak to him tonight, will report back.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 08-Dec-12 13:17:56

I just reread my post and realised that it read not as I intended, I didn't mean it to sound like I was blaming you,so for that I apologise

I ment it to sound like you need to protect yourself from him.

Because before you know what's happened people like him tend to end up in court trying to get residency of your children because they are vey good at convincing people you are a lunatic and that they are wonderful.

Hence not handing him the ammunition to try it.

BrianButterfield Sat 08-Dec-12 13:25:38

Why are people picking on the OP for not having weeks of food stored up? She said they'd used all their food during her DS's illness. My DH would have gone, kicked up a fuss about the shopping not being saved, bought more if needed including an easy tea, a treat for me and some wine!

Wossit Sat 08-Dec-12 13:27:11

He's sat here with a face like a slapped butt, lookong all sullen and moody. I can see this means she still thinks Im the 'psycho in the wrong'.


Wossit Sat 08-Dec-12 13:27:57

*he not she.

If it was a 'she' I doubt she'd be acting like such a git.

HildaOgden Sat 08-Dec-12 13:30:13

He was being an unhelpful sod (at best).You don't need pyschiatric help,we all would have flipped out at that day.

I found your dream interesting though.(Im not an expert dream analyst,but there is a school of thought that says dreams are our unconcious minds working out what's wrong with our concious lives).

So in your dream,you get handed a stanley knife to finish off yourself and your sick,infected baby (and you say the baby does have an immune system illness) by your dh who then tootles off on his merry way to be with his pals?? (I'm paraphrasing,obviously).

I think it's time to properly address how unsupported you feel by your dh.When a real-life situation enters even your sleeping hours,then it's time to get it sorted.

Wossit Sat 08-Dec-12 13:33:31

Thats the long and short of it Hilda. I did not see the significance of the dream until I saw it written down.

Yes, I need to stress to him how I feel unsupported.

Tbf he does ask me, how can he help, what shall he do.

Its just yesterday and today he turned into an arse master of all arses. And seemingly appears to be set that way.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Sat 08-Dec-12 13:34:12

GGGRRRRRRRR!! What is his problem?? You lost it at the end of an extraordinarily hard few days, which he had no hand in helping with at all!! show him the thread wotsit he will see he's got off very lightly being your DP! I swear if my DP had walked through the door with no food and chucked me a couple of biscuits after all that, I'd be wearing his nuts for earings, but he wouldn't, he wouldn't be so selfish, un thinking and uncaring. DO NOT let him get away with making you think you're in the wrong, you're not.

Wossit Sat 08-Dec-12 13:38:28

No, but getting him to see that its not me in the wrong will probably be an impossible mission.

Argh God I dont have the energy for this at all.

ChunkyTurkeywiththetrimmings Sat 08-Dec-12 13:50:51

wossit Will he do something about the perceived 'need' for anger management/psychiatric help? If not, you could chalk this up to experience and take the moral high ground, let it drop just to save yourself time & energy? You would know you're right. I wouldn't be able to do it, but then I'm a stroppy cow who's DH has been verbally beaten into submission over the years accepted me the way I am!! grin Especially if he isn't normally like it.

As for the dreams thing - I was under the impression EVERYBODY dreams, we just don't all remember it. Usually we remember them if we wake 'during' them, which you would if you were having a nightmare & force yourself to wake up...

I would, in your shoes however, be on the look out for future weirdness on his behalf & have the whole gaslighting thing in mind. It may be a one off twattish episode, or it could be the incident that removes your rose-tinted specs iyswim.

Suzieismyname Sat 08-Dec-12 13:57:09

Wossit, does your DP ever lose his temper?

Wossit Sat 08-Dec-12 13:58:24

Suzie, very very very rarely.

HildaOgden Sat 08-Dec-12 14:01:22

Right so,your post of 13.33 gives me a better picture of how this can be sorted.

First of all,I'll say yes,he was an arse to slag you off and be so grumpy about it now.But I have a feeling that this is the straw that is breaking the camels back,so to speak,and it could possibly be a good (although hurtful) way to start getting things sorted.

You say that generally he isn't an arse,that he does ask how to help,what can he do?

I'm wondering if you have fallen into the trap that so many mothers of young...particularly ill....children fall into.That of believing that unless they do everything for the child,it wont be done 'right'?If you are constantly being the sole carer of that child....and he is constantly left on the sidelines,offering to help but being 'shoo'ed' away (all the while watching you getting more and more ground down by that heavy duty) is kind of understandable that he got pissed off at being shouted at for not helping properly at the exact moment you decided he needed to.

Do you see my point?I could be totally off-beam with that,but perhaps it's a possibility?

If it is,than have a think about that.Start including him with helping on a more regularly basis,ease the load of yourself.In his favour,on the night the row exploded he wasn't off gallivanting and avoiding pulling his weight....he was bringing one child swimming,then went to tescos to collect the shopping...then got the head chewed off him when he asked what did you want to do as the staff had removed the shopping?

He was willing to help/pull his weight...and lets face it,looking after a child with long term illness is a weight that is a hard load to carry.Stop feeling,on a daily basis,that you and you alone are responsible for that.Include your will ease the load from you.

If this rings true with you,then talk to him calmly about it today.Admit (to him,and to yourself) that you need help at times.Then make a plan that suits you both to share the load a bit more evenly in future.

quirrelquarrel Sat 08-Dec-12 14:04:23

Especially about the look of disgust.

Reading MN just make me wonder how husbands and fathers can be so utterly shit sometimes. And I have the best dad in the world who's the best husband to my mum. Seriously another world.

quirrelquarrel Sat 08-Dec-12 14:05:37

I'd be wearing his nuts for earings

Sorry just nearly choked at this grin

Suzieismyname Sat 08-Dec-12 14:09:23

Well he sounds quite a bit like my DH then. He grew up in a house where his parents never argued, noone raised their voice. Mine was the complete opposite. My Dad was occasionally violent to my mum. They very frequently had huge slanging matches. It was a very loud house.
I think I'm a bit like you, I lose my temper occasionally, over something big or a buildup of lots of little things.
Having grownup in my house, I would rate my temper as a 3/4 out of 10. My DH rates it as a 8/9 out of 10, because he's just not used to it.
Over the years I have tried to explain to him that he is at the more abnormal end of the scale for temper, albeit the quieter side!
I'm not suggesting that you tell him he's abnormal, but perhaps you could try to explain that there is a very wide spectrum of tempers and you definitely don't seem to be at the violent problem end!

scottishmummy Sat 08-Dec-12 14:11:29

no you didnt nearly choke,it's not that funny
and she not be wearing his nuts for earrings
usual mn i isn't avin it hyperbole.yo yo sista

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine Sat 08-Dec-12 14:25:08

hmm humphy face at that one

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine Sat 08-Dec-12 14:26:01

That one being scottishmummys wee humphy comment

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