To want to tell DH to suck it up?(26 Posts)
This could be my sleep-deprivation putting me a touch on edge, but my DH keeps moaning about his mild-to-moderate ailments. DAILY. We have both had back-to-back viruses throughout November, thanks in no small part to 6mo DS having started nursery and kindly sharing everything with us. Thing is, I'm putting up with them (and going out of my way not to complain and keep a cheerful face on it) on a weekly quota of broken sleep that most people, including DH, would get unbroken in one night. By and large, he's a teriffic, lovely dad, but for the past several weeks, requests for assistance with chores or DS have been preceded by a laboured sigh before tearing himself away from the sofa and TV. He nearly got it in the neck last night when, as DS's umpteenth wake-up, he mumbled, 'Can you please settle him really quickly? My head is pounding.'
No dear. I'll let him cry for half an hour or so, just for kicks. Does this require words or should I continue screaming into a pillow?
Came back downstairs - all dishes had been done and I got an apology
He genuinely can't cope with babies crying
You do need to be firm with him; this is sometimes the point in a marriage where a bad pattern is set: of the man deciding that he is the most important person in the house and setting to work to ensure that eveyroneelse agrees.
Take a day each as someone said.
Hmmm...just come upstairs, though and he's changed all of the bedding. Think that's his way of saying sorry
So we had words after this morning's wail about how dreadfully ill he is, which was preceded by him pulling me towards him for what I thought was a cuddle but was actually a request for a head rub. He's now in a sulk because he thinks I'm just trying to compete with him as to who feels worse.
"I think we do forget that men still take the oldfashioned view that the buck stops with them in providing for their family.
like it or not that is insidiously stressful and they do react by behaving like little boys. Humouring them sometimes is worth it."
He may be subconsciously jealous of the attention given to the baby and so is seeking love and sympathy? Crap psychology I know and I would also have no truck with it TBH. I proffer ibuprofen, a cup of tea and the offer of making a doctors appointment.
If sick go to bed and no food is the rule round here. Well enough to eat? Then you're well enough to stagger to the table to eat.
DH and I are very different.
I confuse sympathy with 'remedy'.
He moans about whatever it is, I give him directions to the paracetamol and grunt until he STFU.
He wants 'there there-ing'.
What happens if you do 'there there-ing?' You could try it once and see if he pulls out of it a bit quicker once you've soothed his fevered brow?
I have to say my dp was useless for first 7 months of ds life generally ! but once ds started moving and engaging much more it all changed. It's like he saw the "baby" period as really just the mothers duty... Nothing to do with him and if he ever helped out in any way he looked for a medal!! But now that ds is 16 months old an running around etc everything has just naturally turned 50/50.
I did find that just telling dp I'm going for a bath or I'm popping out for 2 hrs to shops etc meant he just had to get up and get on with it. Asking him would he mind if I do those things and he looks after the little one resulted in big moan or drama!!!
I won't kick the poor sausage to the curb just yet. By and large, he is terrific, and he will often take DS in the mornings so I can have a lie in on the weekends (he's working, I'm still on mat leave - DS goes to nursery for a couple of half days a week as a practice run for when I'm back at work full time and because we have very little family or friends where we are to give me a break). He will also sometimes offer to see to DS during his multiple night wakings, but since it's boob he always wants, DH doesn't really have the necessary equipment.
This dying swan act of the past few weeks has been doing my farking NUT though.
Dobbing him into his mum is a really tempting
if cowardly solution...
Why is he getting so much more sleep than you? Why does he expect you to nurse him when you're both ill? Why is he lying in bed like a student with no responsibilities, listening to the cricket and messing about on Facebook whilst you look after your child and fetch him things?
Can't you take turns in giving each other a day off for a couple of weekends.
Soldiering on with the back to back viruses DC bring home is all very laudable, but sometimes downing tools and saying to the other parent your turn is much better.
Tuck your DH up and baby him for one day instead of trying to jolly him along.
Then in the future you can make sure the favour is returned.
I think we do forget that men still take the oldfashioned view that the buck stops with them in providing for their family.
like it or not that is insidiously stressful and they do react by behaving like little boys. Humouring them sometimes is worth it. You never know when you may feel like storming off in a teenage rage yourself. And believe me one day you will!!!
It does get better and most men seem to find DCs that do things easier. DH is way more patient with noise and sillyness that I am. Today he will drive me mad covering the house in Xmas lights, extension leads and chaos, the DDs will love it.
Hope you both feel better soon, it has been a awful autumn for bugs, both DDs have missed too much school and DD1 is still ill.
What Grumpla said.
Leave the bastard.
Then murder him, laugh uproarously at his funeral in front of his rellies, and dance about on his grave.
Or perhaps he is genuinely is feeling the strain - just not as much as you are. Are there any family members who can help out.
The breakfast request was a bit cheeky though.
If he's well enough to want breakfast he's well enough to help out and stop winging IMHO.
I have another suggestion for the pillow
I presume you are BF as you didn't tell him to go and settle DS himself?
Feed DS then go and him to his Daddy and either lock yourself in the bathroom & have a lovely bath/shower, or go out.
Later on - have calm words with him about pulling his weight and not having to be asked to do what needs to be done. You are both unwell, DS is both of yours, the house is both of yours. He needs to man-up and stop being a twat.
Are you both working? Do you do all the getting up/night wakings? If so then that absolutely has to change. He's basically acting like your DS is your baby, interfering with his quiet life. Knob.
so he's in bed listening to the cricket ? Give him the baby and pour yourself a nice relaxing bath / have a long shower. Don't ask - just do it. afterwards TELL him your going back to bed after lunch for a nap - and he's in charge of the baby. I have found the more you do, the more people will let you do. Time to put your foot down !
He asked you to bring him some breakfast?
I'd have lobbed the freaking toaster at his head.
That was supposed to say 'updated FB status in the last hour.' Flailing baby arm hit the over-sensitive iPhone screen.
Aaaaand he just asked me to bring some breakfast to him in bed because he feels horrible. I've been up with DS since 4:30. DH has updated his Facebook status in r. He's lying there listening to the cricket.
He got handed some painkillers and given a polite but firm, 'No.'
My DH has been a bit like this with both DCs as babies. He genuinely can't cope with babies crying and I do cope better/soldier on better than him when unwell or with less sleep.
This is something I/we didn't know until we had DCs.
However, he still needs to pull his weight. In my DH's case, he works really long hours, so I do give him a bit of leeway.
It sounds like you need to give your DH a short lie in, then thrust a cup of Lemsip at him and tell him to man up and give you a hand.
Or call his mum and snitch on him. Joking aside, could you ask PILs for a bit of help if he is being useless? My FIL is great at DIY odd-jobs as I seem unable to shift my DH from the sofa at weekends.
If it helps, with both DCs I have found it gets easier around the 9mo mark (6mo is still very little).
Leave the bastard.
Or at the very least have some strong words followed by some arrangements to ensure you get a broadly similar amount of sleep.
Eg at the moment I do all night feeds, then my DH is on duty from 6.30/7am and brings me tea in bed until 9.
Obviously this only works because neither of us have to get up and go to work for 9am, when we had different jobs though we used to swap breakfast shifts, weekend lie-ins etc.
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