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To have made a formal complaint to school about other parent

(184 Posts)
Zavi Fri 07-Dec-12 22:37:29

My DC hit another child. Unprovoked. Both children have history of being very good friends together. Never any problems before this. My DC shouldn't have done that, knew it, and apologised straight away. The other child said to mine that they weren't going to tell the teacher because they didn't want to get my child into trouble. End of story between the two kids who carried on as friends as usual.

The next day, the other mum called my DC, who was on the swing, over to her (before school after I had dropped off) and then holding my DC by the arm, told them that she was angry and upset with them over what they'd done to her child. That she "wanted it to stop", and that she didn't want my DC to do that to her DC again. My DC said sorry again and said it wouldn't happen again.

The mum then went into the school to complain to the class teacher that her DC had been hurt by my DC but had been too frightened to tell the teacher at the time. She then went to the head to report what had happened.

I know my DC shouldn't have done that but I think this mums response was OTT.

She could have spoken to the teacher in charge at the time of the event. Or she could have asked my DC for their side of the story first but she just accepted her DCs version of events before reprimanding my DC.

I'm upset that she did neither. Just took my DC to task and really frightened them in the process.

I think she could have handled the situation better and need not have confronted my DC so directly over an issue that was resolved between them without tears or teacher intervention.

But AIBU to feel aggrieved at the way, and the order, in which this other mum set out to resolve matters?

AgentZigzag Fri 07-Dec-12 22:52:32

What did your DC say when you asked them why they hit their friend OP? <checks question is genderless>

AgentZigzag Fri 07-Dec-12 22:56:03

Do you mean in a reassuring way worra?

That would depend on her tone of voice.

If she was saying it in a caring voice '..and we don't behave like that, do we?' way, it could have been.

If she was having a go at the DC, taking hold of their arm is threatening and controlling.

takataka Fri 07-Dec-12 22:56:36

the only thing the other parent did wrong IMO, is hold your childs arm

why did your child hit the other, 'unprovoked'?

Zavi Fri 07-Dec-12 22:58:00

DCs are boys. She didn't grab my DC, she held his shoulder to keep him there. No other incidences between the DCs before. No other incidences with my CD before (except on the receiving end of things, which school dealt with on their own, appropriately).
Other mums DC had hurt another child previously (leaving marks on body with a brio) and when other mum expressed concern, and asked to speak to her DC about the matter was told "No, I will deal with my own child".
Also, other mum works as a "parenting advisor" for a charity and runs parenting workshops privately as a child psychologist.

muddledmamma Fri 07-Dec-12 22:59:23

Arm on the shoulder isn't the same as grabbed an arm which for some reason is what I was imagining. I'd keep an eye on the situation and let it go.

Chanatan Fri 07-Dec-12 23:02:06

Still think she was in the wrong,she should have reported to school and let them deal with it.

CabbageLeaves Fri 07-Dec-12 23:03:19

I would never ever grab another child by arm shoulder whatever. However the school cannot police parents.

You need to take it up with the mum in question

LynetteScavo Fri 07-Dec-12 23:04:03

There are two sides to every story.

My DD has been hit by another child in her class on several occasions recently, and has not told the teacher. She has, however, come home and told me. I've seen this child randomly hit other children (and other misdemeanors) since reception, and as their mum is a very open person, who I've chatted to at length socially, I know (as well as any non-psychologist can) there is no SN, just ineffectual parenting.

I would very much like to go and get hold of this other child and tell him to STOP HITTING, and if I frightened them, all the better. Of course I would never do such a thing, but have written to the teacher about it.

As I said, every story has two sides, and you could easily be the mum of the boy who has been hitting my DD.

AgentZigzag Fri 07-Dec-12 23:04:30

Shoulder or arm, I wouldn't be too happy with someone trying to intimidate/control me by holding on to me while they're saying something they know I wouldn't like.

I sometimes hold onto DD2 when I'm saying something important to her, but she's two and would run off if I didn't.

Speaking to an 8 YO, you don't need any kind of contact. If they run off/don't listen, you deal with it.

WorraLorraTurkey Fri 07-Dec-12 23:06:05

No Ziggers I meant I wonder if the OP's DC made up the arm holding thing for sympathy because that's the only thing the mother has done wrong imo...and if the child came when she called them, I can't see why she would bother holding their arm.

<< Whispers >>

Where have you been btw?

ReallyTired Fri 07-Dec-12 23:12:33

There is no excuse for a grown women to intimate someone else's child WHATEVER they have done. Children are children and none of them are perfect.

She has no right to tell off someone else's child. Who does she think she is? If the OP child needs to be told off then the telling off should be done by a teacher or the parent. It is outright bullying. Grabbing someone else's child is assult pure and simple.

I would definately discuss it with the school. The school has a responsiblity for your child's safety. Prehaps the headteacher needs to have a strong word with this nutcase.

MarianneM Fri 07-Dec-12 23:13:42


I can imagine toddlers hitting other children without understanding what they're doing but an 8yo.

And I actually think it's good to speak to the child directly.

I don't really understand your problem. YOUR DC hit the other child. And the staff in the school should be aware. That is how bullying for example can be stamped out in the beginning.

It often seems to be the parents of bullies who are most defensive and accusatory.

AgentZigzag Fri 07-Dec-12 23:13:51

Ah, yeah, see what you mean worra.

Actually I skim read missed the bit in brackets and thought the OP had seen it happen.

DC really can have amazingly different interpretations of what actually happened, not that the OP's DS is defo making it up, but you have to wonder sometimes how they manage to miss so many important bits out/add other bits in.

(I've been being sober a grown up and found myself a bloody good internet job grin grin grin and don't want to fuck it up. I've done my hours today so the night is young... LOL)

MarianneM Fri 07-Dec-12 23:14:21

ReallyTired - what nonsense your post is.

ReallyTired Fri 07-Dec-12 23:16:32

"I would never ever grab another child by arm shoulder whatever. However the school cannot police parents."

Schools are within their rights to ban parents from the grounds for aggressive behaviour.

Chanatan Fri 07-Dec-12 23:19:25

Actually I think Really Tired talks a lot of sense,parents shouldnt be approaching other peoples children,let the school deal with it,and yes I have known of a parent banned from the play ground,had to leave her children at the gate.

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Fri 07-Dec-12 23:19:46

Also, other mum works as a "parenting advisor" for a charity and runs parenting workshops privately as a child psychologist

That's worrying.

I would be livid if anyone but my best friends bailed them up like that in the playground (by best friends I mean those we would regard as 'as good as family').

I would be in the Heads office having words.

MarianneM Fri 07-Dec-12 23:21:07

Depressing thread. Says so much about people's attitudes today.

takataka Fri 07-Dec-12 23:24:32

if my dc thumped another child unprovoked, I would be perfectly happy for the childs mother to tell off my dc, and for the teachers to be told confused

why wouldnt you be?

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 07-Dec-12 23:24:48

Schools can and do "police" parents behaviour when they are on school premises.

Whilst I was at primary school two mums got banned from the premises because they had a fight. A physical fight.

Another mum was banned from the premises for threatening to hit me whilst I was walking home from school. She didn't like another girl I was friends with. No idea what the problem was,I was only 9 and not even in the same class as her own daughter. She threatened to punch me! Was banned for years, which was awkward as she had about 4 children in the school.

CabbageLeaves Fri 07-Dec-12 23:25:23

Well yes schools can take action to ban parents in extreme circumstances but frankly if they got involved with every parental dispute at the school gates you'd need a member of staff full time to deal with mediation, sentencing and judgements!!

This could well be a one off. An inappropriate one of but asking the head to go to the governors to ask that the mother is excluded from school property seems a trifle unhelpful to the whole situation.

What magic does the teacher wield? If a teacher goes over to verbally smack this mum's hand how will that improve matters? Either say nothing and monitor....or go up to her and tell her you think that physical contact and intimidation is something that is not acceptable. How would she like the same behaviour from you?

takataka Fri 07-Dec-12 23:26:15

but parents dont get banned for telling off a child who has thumped their child confused

ReallyTired Fri 07-Dec-12 23:27:45

The mother of the "victim" is hardly neutral. She was effectively, judge, jury and metaphorically executioner.

Ofcourse she is going to take her side when there may well be blame on both sides. It is rather better to have teachers handle bullying allegations as they are mutral and have more experience. Teachers have a whole host of strageries and lots of experience as dealing with scrapping eight year old boys.

It must feel terrifying for an eight year old to be grabbed and shouted at by a so called "friend of the family" who is twice their size.

Chanatan Fri 07-Dec-12 23:29:23

Thats exactly what the parent was banned for,told that telling another parents child off was inappropiate behaviour and the school should be informed and left to deal with all incidents.

JamieandtheMagiTorch Fri 07-Dec-12 23:29:59

I agree with that ReallyTired

I do not think parents should ever approach a child directly. Where bullying is suspected (as it may be here), they shouldn't even take it to the parents. School should deal with it

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