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To have made a formal complaint to school about other parent

(184 Posts)
Zavi Fri 07-Dec-12 22:37:29

My DC hit another child. Unprovoked. Both children have history of being very good friends together. Never any problems before this. My DC shouldn't have done that, knew it, and apologised straight away. The other child said to mine that they weren't going to tell the teacher because they didn't want to get my child into trouble. End of story between the two kids who carried on as friends as usual.

The next day, the other mum called my DC, who was on the swing, over to her (before school after I had dropped off) and then holding my DC by the arm, told them that she was angry and upset with them over what they'd done to her child. That she "wanted it to stop", and that she didn't want my DC to do that to her DC again. My DC said sorry again and said it wouldn't happen again.

The mum then went into the school to complain to the class teacher that her DC had been hurt by my DC but had been too frightened to tell the teacher at the time. She then went to the head to report what had happened.

I know my DC shouldn't have done that but I think this mums response was OTT.

She could have spoken to the teacher in charge at the time of the event. Or she could have asked my DC for their side of the story first but she just accepted her DCs version of events before reprimanding my DC.

I'm upset that she did neither. Just took my DC to task and really frightened them in the process.

I think she could have handled the situation better and need not have confronted my DC so directly over an issue that was resolved between them without tears or teacher intervention.

But AIBU to feel aggrieved at the way, and the order, in which this other mum set out to resolve matters?

Zavi Fri 07-Dec-12 22:39:24

Children are 8 yrs.

Chanatan Fri 07-Dec-12 22:41:26

yanbu,I would have been fuming,different if she had a word with you first.

LondonButterfly Fri 07-Dec-12 22:42:17

You seem to have accepted your DC's version of events too.

But she could have handled situation better.

lookingfoxy Fri 07-Dec-12 22:42:33

She shouldn't really have confronted your ds, but went to the teacher firstly.

If she just had a word with your ds and wasn't aggressive about it, then I can sort of see her point even though she took the wrong course of action.

wonderstuff Fri 07-Dec-12 22:43:18

YANBU. I would have been upset.

bradyismyfavouritewiseman Fri 07-Dec-12 22:43:47

How do you know what happened when she spoke to your son?

Aranea Fri 07-Dec-12 22:44:01

It sounds as though what you see as a friendship, she perceives to be a bullying relationship.

bradyismyfavouritewiseman Fri 07-Dec-12 22:44:32

Are you sure it was the other childs idea to not tell anyone, since he went home and told his mum?

LucieMay Fri 07-Dec-12 22:44:53

Are we talking about boys or girls? You avoid giving the gender of either child.

HopingItllBeOK Fri 07-Dec-12 22:45:07

So she has taken her DC's version of events as read, much the same as you have when you believe that the hit child had suggested not telling the teacher?

Yes she absolutely shouldn't have confronted your child herself, especially when they didn't have an adult with them, but at 8 children tend to be very good at owning up to a 'small' discretion to avoid a bollocking for a bigger one so I would be wary of taking my child's word as gospel in this situation.

fortyplus Fri 07-Dec-12 22:45:16

YABU - so is she

musttidyupBeforeSantaComes Fri 07-Dec-12 22:45:32

I'd be fucking livid if someone had got hold of my child. YANBU.

MrsjREwing Fri 07-Dec-12 22:45:45

You may learn that your child has form and this was the last straw.

I think the other parent could have handled it better, it is a shame the other parent had to handle the mess your child created in the first place.

Shakey1500 Fri 07-Dec-12 22:46:08

Yanbu to feel aggrieved at the events but what will reporting her to the school do? confused

Or am I missing something?

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 07-Dec-12 22:46:22

I think the manhandling your child is the primary issue here. I wouldn't be happy either. She had no reason to touch your child at all,she could have just had a quiet word,though that's not particularly appropriate after the event either. Why didn't she just speak to you if the two of then are usually good friends? Ott behaviour in my opinion.


Alisvolatpropiis Fri 07-Dec-12 22:47:37

lucie why does gender matter?

JamieandtheMagiTorch Fri 07-Dec-12 22:47:41

She definitely should not have spoken to your child, but you do not know the full story.

It's possible that her child has been bullied, or she perceives it to have been bullied. The school needs to investigate.

AgentZigzag Fri 07-Dec-12 22:48:20

She could have handled it better and not taken what her DC said at face value, but apart from grabbing his arm, she doesn't sound too bad.

I'm saying that from the POV that she might have been OTT because she'd built up what had happened in her mind, and if you think your DC is being hurt by another child it can sometimes make you unreasonable.

What she did was a knee-jerk reaction.

But up until you describe what she did, the DC sound as though they're good friends and this was just a blip. She's reacting like she thinks your DS could be bullying her DS, which would explain her not stopping until she got the recognition she wanted that this was a serious situation.

I know you will feel protective of your DS and she shouldn't have grabbed his arm, but if you think something's going on and making your DC unhappy, it could look OTT in other peoples eyes.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Fri 07-Dec-12 22:48:37

Yanbu in that it might have been more sensible for the woman to have spoken to you about it instead of going straight to cause a big fuss at school. On the other hand, your dc was in the wrong and so ultimately has to bear the consequences. It might well be right that the other child was too scared to say anything to a teacher. You can't know that you are getting the accurate story from your dc (as your dc may not know how the other child really views the incident).

lookingfoxy Fri 07-Dec-12 22:49:56

When the other parent said 'she wanted it to stop' perhaps there have been other incidents that you don't know about.

muddledmamma Fri 07-Dec-12 22:50:49


Ideally she should have spoken to you and your child together. Her reaction seems inappropriate to me.

Fozzleyplum Fri 07-Dec-12 22:50:59

YANBU. A very neurotic mother of a child in my DC's class once took it upon herself to berate my DC in a similar fashion (for something DC hadn't done, as it happened - her little precious was prone to lying). I was fuming. She didn't ever do it again!

Parents shouldn't try to deal with problems that occur at school.

AgentZigzag Fri 07-Dec-12 22:51:05

blush I might have ascribed them genders that weren't mentioned in the OP - a bit, sorry OP.

But it didn't make any difference to what I said in my post.

WorraLorraTurkey Fri 07-Dec-12 22:51:23

I wonder if the arm thing was added in for a bit of sympathy by your DC?

I'm just wondering because if you call an 8yr old over and they come to you (as you said they did) there would be no reason to hold them by the arm?

Either way, I don't think she was wrong to report it even though the kids had sorted it out because it might not have been a one off.

Especially as the other child sounds so 'accepting' of getting randomly hit and not telling the staff.

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