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to not want to pay for my friend to have a party!?

(85 Posts)
charlmarascoxo Thu 06-Dec-12 19:16:34

Good friend of mine is having her first dc in less than 2 months. She has two older sisters who have decided to throw her party/baby shower as a surprise.

One good friend (who is also invited, she is going to Godmother) has forwarded on to me a text saying that the sister is asking for donations towards the food and decorations for the shower.

I found it rude that I wasn't asked by the sister herself and that I'm expected to contribute too as it sounds like its compulsory. If its not paid before the party then we should give her the money when we get there (shes hosting it at her house).

We were told that we didn't have to bring gifts if we didn't want to, but obviously I am going to get her a gift.

She is a good friend and I want her to have a good baby shower but why should I and all the guests be expected to pay for it?


OhDearNigel Thu 06-Dec-12 21:42:46

I think this is bit difficult actually because I am kind of in this situation.

3 of the women in my office are having babies within a month of each other. 2 of them have traveled a very dark and difficult road to these pregnancies. We are all very happy for them and the plan is to throw a joint baby shower. I am organising it but I am hoping that my other colleagues will offer to stump up some of the cash otherwise I will certainly be drawing the short straw.

OTOH I hosted a baby shower for my best friend at my house and paid for everything.

BOFingSanta Thu 06-Dec-12 21:46:13

Really, is there any need to react so defensively? Not even defensive actually; more like aggressive.

<awaits mean and snippy character assassination based on fuck all>

charlmarascoxo Thu 06-Dec-12 21:49:55

stifnstav I don't see any advice being given by ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey to be fair.

LaCiccolina Thu 06-Dec-12 21:52:09

If it makes u feel any better u haven't actually featured on my radar at all. Had no idea all those posts were the same person, much less that it was u.....

icclebabyjesusheave Thu 06-Dec-12 21:54:04

grow up much? confused is that a sentence?

They're having a do and wondered if you'd like to chip in. You're offended that it was a forwarded text and offended that you were asked to chip in.

I'm detecting a wee bit of pent up anger and aggression here. Would you like to talk?

LaCiccolina Thu 06-Dec-12 21:56:36

Ohdearnigel if ur firm is US based/centric, then if guess no issue. If not, either show them friends/kardashians as theirs are right. If everyone's uk based u might judging by this thread, have an issue...

I'd just be clear what the donation buys up front. Might be different politics for an office....

OhDearNigel Thu 06-Dec-12 21:59:40

i really don't get why baby showers attract so much rage. We have parties over here for all sorts of stupid stuff - engagements, hen parties, golden weddings, housewarmings, divorce, graduation. Yet the biggest thing, most life-changing thing that can ever happen to you doesn't deserve a bit of a knees up ? I find this really, truly odd.

If getting married deserves "one last night of freedom" then surely creating an entire new human deserves a few friends turning out for a couple of sandwiches and a party popper ?

DreamingOfTheMaldives Thu 06-Dec-12 22:01:00

I wouldn't be best pleased to be suddenly asked to contribute cash unless it had been discussed in advance. I would happily take food, and usually do to any social gathering as I enjoy baking. I would also take a bottle of wine but would be miffed at someone asking for my cash when they are hosting an event unless it was something that had been agreed in advance.


ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey Thu 06-Dec-12 22:01:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwoHats Thu 06-Dec-12 22:01:46

There is no way guests are going to consume £10 of food and drink each, that is outrageous! I would offer to take a bottle and some snacks but not hand over cash.

OhDearNigel Thu 06-Dec-12 22:02:11

La Cicc - I think what I'll probably do is work out what we're going to eat and divide it up round those coming. Then I'll pay for drinks, decorations and sundries. We "do" parties in our office - we went to a conference yesterday as a unit and arranged a bring and share picnic lunch as no lunch was provided. We were the envy of the conference wink

BOFingSanta Thu 06-Dec-12 22:04:27

I think there was implied adviice in there actually: if this sort of thing happens all the time, perhaps it's time to consider the possibility that it's not them, it's you. If I attracted that much rage, rudeness and confrontation, I would start to examine whether I was doing something to provoke it, or at least wonder why I was surrounding myself with so many negative people. Is it possible you have self esteem issues, or a need for drama, or similar? It's worth at least considering.

OhDearNigel Thu 06-Dec-12 22:04:46

I suppose it depends on whether the hostess is going all out and buying lots of balloons, party favours, personalised stationery etc in this stylee. If you look at baby shower stuff on pinterest Americans must splash some serious cash when hosting them.

If it's £10 for a curled up sarnie and glass of cheap cava you've been ripped off but if the hostess is doing a lovely meal, candy bar, small bar and paying for nice decor and games then I can easily see how the cost mounts up

OhDearNigel Thu 06-Dec-12 22:06:27

TwoHats, I organise quite a lot of parties, both personal and for our Rotary club. You'd be surprised how easily costs mount up when you include everything

stifnstav Thu 06-Dec-12 22:08:29

Is there not a chance that the sisters have sent the text to the godmother with the intention of those three putting in £30 for food and the godmother has got the wrong end of the stick and forwarded it?

suburbophobe Thu 06-Dec-12 22:09:02

They wanted your wedding dress and now you are being commandeered (sp?) to go to a baby shower and pay for food/drink/present...?

Frankly, I wouldn't even give these people the time of day.

I will decide myself what and when/if I want to do something, thank you.

These people are not your friends. <sorry>

festivelyfocussed Thu 06-Dec-12 22:14:05

Fwiw if this is a good friend, in your position I would just have handed over the 10 quid and bought a pressie by now.
I don't see baby showers as grabby, just a way of celebrating a big life event with family/ friends.

Janeatthebarre Thu 06-Dec-12 22:15:56

Artex What exactly is your problem? This is a forum for people to sound off about things that are bugging them. It's fun and a way of venting without upsetting people in real life. Why are you going back over OPs posts as if she's doing something wrong. She's using the forum for its given purpose.
Your posts sound a bit weird and stalkerish.

RudolphTheRedNosedGiraffe Thu 06-Dec-12 22:18:51

I thought YABU until I read that they've actually asked for a specific amount of money, and a ridiculous amount at that, for drinks and nibbles at someone's house. If it was a request to "chip in a few pounds" I'd find that much easier to take, personally I'd rather bring food than money but it'd still seem reasonable. But £10 is way too much. I wonder if stifnstav is right and they didn't intend for the text to be sent to you.
But if it was me I'd do it anyway, for the sake of my friend and not creating bad feelings.

FivesGoldNorks Thu 06-Dec-12 22:22:04


charlmarascoxo Thu 06-Dec-12 22:44:54

suburbophobe I think you may have misunderstood, these are different people. One a friends sister and the other a work colleague. Neither of them I would consider to be a friend.

BOFingSanta I write a few posts and suddenly I have self-esteem issues. Really?

I think you should read what Janeatthebarre has said.

charlmarascoxo Thu 06-Dec-12 22:46:07

festivelyfocussed I never once stated that baby showers are 'grabby'

And I also stated right from the start that I am and was always going to buy her a gift. Regardless of having to contribute £10.

ellee Thu 06-Dec-12 22:56:46

It's a bit weird though isn't it? I thought the purpose(ish) of a baby shower was to kit the new mum out with stuff for the baby? Here, the "hostess" is snaffling the contribution for the party food!

I think it's v off personally. Really crass to ask for money and then to ask by a forwarded text!

Are they that hard up?

BackforGood Thu 06-Dec-12 22:59:58

Thing being, when the baby has arrived safely is when I would go round, admire said baby, see if there was anything I could do to support new Mum and generally make a fuss of her, and take a gift. If I have understood it correctly, these baby shower things happen when the new Mum is still a Mum to be. There's many that would say it is bad luck to have things in, before the baby is safely here. Personally, I'm not that superstitious (although have met many who are), but I actually like the chance to go round and meet the new baby and be able to offer my support as I take my gift once the baby is born

ellee Thu 06-Dec-12 23:00:13

I think stif might be right actully, they're hardly asking everyone for £10! Must be a mistake.

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