My aggressive father and his awful partner-have to see them soon-how to handle?

[Ohthejoy]

Hi all!
Sorry in advance is this is too full on or long!
My mother divorced my father over a decade ago.She's moved on with new DH doing okay for herself and seems happy.
My father has always been a very angry person and at times very violent to me.
He has been with his partner for several years.She had 3 children by the age of 18.She's never worked in her life.
Her children have had asbos,been in trouble for violence,one sprayed hair spray right in front of me and tried to set me on fire to ther amusement of him and his disgusting family.(When telling my father this he said I must have wound him up and it was me that was the trouble maker).
My mother and father chose their new partners and I had only my nan to turn to but she gave me 3 to 4 weeks to stay and then I moved to London(years of misery to follow but that would take all day!)
Years later have a husband,2 ds's ans a home.
My dad is my dad.I've realised he's not going to change.I have to accept him the way he is or have nothing to do with him.
The thing is he puts up with his girlfriend who admitted she pretends to be too sick to work and get sickness benefits and her grown up son pretends to be her her 'carer' and get benefits for that(even though he doesn't lived there anymore).Her other children have fathered babies that they don't support(they don't work either).
When she comes to stay me and DH have to literally bite our tongues.
She tells us with pride how her ds2 is trying to get his gf pregant with their second baby and then 'the council will have to move them to a bigger place'.
Her sister who is her best friend ran away from her children and they were nearly put into care.She has since returned.She is another who lives on benefits and has: dd1 aged 18-she has 2 babies lives in a small flat and on income support.Her dd2 is just 15 and her 1st baby is due on Christmas day.
I could go on and on about my dads girlfriend and her family.
The thing is when he brings her when he visits she couldn't make it more clear that she doesn't want to be here.She doesn't smile,she doesn't say thankyou.
She sits in our garden chain smoking and texting her family the entire time.
I was taking about my good friend who is of west indian descent and she said this to me 'My neice has just had a baby with a black man and I had to hold the baby and it made me feel sick' (I will not continue to say the exact words she said
I had a big Christening for ds1 and had to get rsvps back to know how many people would be coming as the caterer needed to know.My dads girlfriend said she was coming.On the day-nowhere to be seen.Didn't turn up.No explanation no apology nothing.
My son also had a year to prepare for a production he was in.I bought the tickets(£16 each)for him and her.They had over 10 months notice.On the evening she was no where to be seen!They'd had an argument(convinced was pre meditated so she didn't have to come) and her lovely son interevened and bit a chunk of flesh from my fathers hand.
Even writing this now makes my blood boil her family are all absolutely disgusting and it also drives my dh up the wall as he hardly sees our dc as he works all the hours and I work part time just to keep going.DH can't stand that evey time he sees this woman she happily announces another teen in the family is pregnant or how 'the council is disgusting as won't move so and so to a bigger place etc'.
Anyway me and DH both think that when my dad visits just on his own it's not the most pleasant always but we sometimes have a laugh and a chat and he seems more relaxed.
The question is how do I tell my father 'come on your own but please leave her behind'?
He wants to play 'happy familys' and pretend everythings ok.
For Christmas this year I've booked a hotel for them but dreading it.
The only time I've brought it up was when she didn't turn up to my sons play and she put on facebook(how I love fb)that she's been out with her family etc.
I flipped telling my dad how dare she and how rude she always is etc and he shouted 'you leave her alone now you!dont mention her!'.

Anyway before I end I just want to say this is not a 'benefit bashing' thread.
Seondly thank you so much for reading this and lastly if any of you have any words of wisdom they are very appreciated.

Thanks

[KenLeeeeeee]

Well... firstly I really, really hope this is a wind-up because that catalogue has made me feel quite ill.

Just in case it is all true, I don't understand why you still have your father in your life. He's been violent, verbally aggressive, disrespectful to you, and you said he prioritises this hideous sounding woman over you all the time.

I would not tolerate a person like that in my or my children's lives.

[Whocansay]

Smile and nod at her 'lovely' observations, and then leave her outside chain smoking.

Or tell your dad she's not welcome.

I would never invite her to anything again and if your dad asks, tell him why.

I wouldn't want either of them near me or my children, tbh. They sound vile.

[TurkeyGibletsGeekette]

Blimey!! Err, I don't think I have any words of wisdom (my family and in-laws are steady boring dependable people) But I didn't want to read and run. Do you think you'll ever reach a place of acceptance with your DF's partner? From what you say, I'm not sure I could (more for the utterly vile racist comments which made me utterly reading them, I'm not sure what I'd do if someone said that to me) or is it something that's not going to change? Because if that's the case, you may well be in a situation where you need to be clear with your DF about your feelings and accept that, if he is given a choice, he might not choose you . I'm so sorry you're going through this - hopefully someone more helpful will come along in a bit.

[PomBearWithAnOFRS]

Tell them to fuck the fuck off (or just ignore them completely) and cut contact. Then go to your local library, or salvation army or age concern and ask if there are any "adopt a grandparent" scheme where you live, and make your family and some lonely person very happy by joining in.

[Ohthejoy]

Ken-How I wish this was a joke.It actually makes me feel ill.I've fallen out with him a handle of times over the years and not spoken for 6 months.
I recently told him that he turned his back on me as a teen and put that toxic scrounging family before me and he called my mother to ask what on earth had he done.I don't know if that's just the way he is and knows no difference?I think he's with this awful woman as he would rather that than be on his own.

Thanks for the relplies.

[Ohthejoy]

Pom-thanks haha!Funny you say that actually I had a 'grandad' in the area he was like the neigbourhoods uncle!He took me and the boys everywhere and the dc loved him and thought he really was their grandad.Sadly he died a fortnight ago.
Doesn't seem fair how someone not blood related can mean the world to you and your dc and I have my df and his gf as my family.
Great advice thanks everyone.

[HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly]

I don't understand why you make this choice?

because it is your choice. You could choose to say you know what, this isn't worth it.

But it is your decision to carry on plugging away at this godawful relationship.

Why have you made that choice?

Is it the best choice for you? Is it the best choice for your children?

[AngryBeaver]

ohthejoy, you sound like you have a nice little family. Do you really need this man? He sounds toxic. Leave them to their Jeremy Kyle lives and bow out.
FWIW, I have no Dad for similar reasons, and I am ok.
I have my Mum, and my own little family.I would cut him out and get on with your life x

[Ohthejoy]

HEC-you're completely right and if I say anything to my father he explodes.
I'm putting my head in the sand to 'keep the peace' I guess.He is a compliocated,angry and miserable man and he tries to do the whole 'happy families' thing.
I sure he means well and to cut him out he would do the whole 'what an awful person she is' etc.
My mother has told me she thinks his whole family have something seriously wrong with them.
Once (when I was 18 years old)I checked my make up in my compact mirror and he kicked the mirror in my face shouting 'put it away you horrible vain girl'.

What I would love is for him to just not to bother ringing or arranging our next meet up.
I don't want to have to tell him home truths and have an explosive argument.
Nor do I want to just ignore his calls as that seems cowardly.

My dh doesn't know why he even bothers anyway as when he comes he barely looks at our dc anyway and sleeps in till midday.

[HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly]

He'd do the whole 'what an awful person' ? so what? You can live with that, can't you?

Have you got a piece of paper?

Put a line down the middle and on one side write down all the great things he brings to your life, reasons why you love and value him and things you would miss if he was no longer in your life.

On the other, write down all the ways in which you are made miserable by him being in your life (including the problems brought by his partner and her family), reasons why you don't love and value him and the things you would no longer have to suffer if he wasn't in your life.

When you look at it - you'll know what you have to do.

[SirBoobAlot]

Why on earth are you continuing to associate with these people?

They have no positive impact on your life, or on those of your DC.

Just because you are related does not mean you have to see them.

Cut contact and be happy.

[MoaningMingeWhimpersAgain]

I don't get why you have them to visit or still see him.

I know he is your dad. So what? He treats you like shit. You are showing your children that you will put up with being treated like shit.

You wouldn't tolerate anyone else treating you like that, so why put up with it from family? You should be able to expect at least the same civility from family as you would a stranger.

I would suggest you don't invite them or contact them. And you are right, you can't change him - but you don't have to put up with it.

[SugaricePlumFairy]

I think your life would be much easier if you just cut him out of your life then you don't have to even think about the revolting gf.

What does he bring into your life other than stress and disruption?

[Ohthejoy]

Hec-I'm going to do that.Thankyou

[Kalisi]

You don't have to do anything OP. Just stop. You don't have to confront him, you don't have to try to mend this relationship, you certainly don't have to buy play tickets and book hotels for them!
Just stop engaging. Let your Father call, give him phone numbers to a booking office if he wants to watch his Grandson perform. Stop visiting. Allow him to visit if he must but if she wants to stay outside the whole time let her.
Personally I'd cut them both out. Life is too short to waste on toxic people. Blood is overrated.

[TheProvincialLady]

Not only can you dump these toxic nasty people - it is your responsibility I would say to keep them out of your children's lives. They don't need people like that turning up to their school plays and being in their lives. The only thing these people can bring them is misery, aggression, racism, etc etc, nothing positive. If you feel you can't dump them altogether then at least keep your children away from them. But I think you would find your life was so much nicer and easier and less stressful if you did cut them off completely.

[pingpongmerrilyonhigh]

Why do you feel you HAVE to invite them?
Would your son have gained anything by them being at his play?

Your dad chooses to stay with her, your dad chooses to behave in this way.
Why upset your DH and kids.
You dont have to have an outright row with your dad, just stop inviting them.

My FIL was violent to my DH when he was a child, divorced MIL, so we kept contact to a minimum. I have never regretted that. My kids dont really know him as grandad but then again they have not had to be subjected to his temper, stupid views or strain of having him visit.

[Plomino]

'he'd do the whole what an awful person she is ' thing '

What is he doing now? Exactly this . He may be your father , but he's never really been a dad has he ? The fact that you are biologically related does NOT give him any right whatsoever , to treat you, or your lovely family this way . You wouldn't allow some random person to treat you so badly , so why allow him ? It's disgusting behaviour ., and he needs to learn the consequences of his actions. I would be binning them without a first thought , let alone a second one . He has made his choices , and made them quite clear . You should do the same. It's not easy , I do know this having done much the same with a couple of vile relatives , but believe me , the relief that you feel is worth it , over and over and over .

You CAN choose your family. Good luck

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"He wants to play 'happy familys' and pretend everythings ok."
But everything isn't OK. Having him in your life stresses you. And his girfriend offends you (she would offend most people I expect with her blatant rudeness).

Seriously? I would not have anything to do with this man. If you feel you are already committed to Christmas, can you at least resolve to a New Year's Resolution to remove him from your life? God only knows what example he is setting to your DC.

[Ohthejoy]

Thankyou everyone for the replies and giving an insight of some your own families and problems with dads etc and how as a result of having nothing or very little to do with them your lives are better and not as stressfull.

I'm having ds2s Christening early next year and was going to send an invite to my dad and his mother and state at the bottom to his girlfriend

'ps-sorry but at my last childs Christening you were invited and said you would come.We had a caterer for all those invited and this of course was not cheap.On the day you just didn't turn up after saying you be there.You didn't call or explain or apologise nothing.
You also didn't turn up to my sons production and I bought tickets in bulk for friends and family which wasn't cheap seeing as the were £16 per ticket.Again no explanation,no apology.
For this you are not invited to my youngest sons Christening.'


This will make my father spit blood but think I have nothing to lose.He will call me a snotty cow and say how dare I etc.
I feel he would not come if I don't invite her as he is SO loyal to such a toxic horrible woman.

My eldest is only 4 but doesn't miss a trick and a few of you have made me realise that they won't be little forever and they will see and here them things that these people say.The racism,swearing,talking about school aged neices getting pregnant.

[SamSmalaidh]

I can understand you want to say your piece to the gf as you've been hurt by them, but I don't think you will gain anything from it. Just don't invite either of them to the Christening - only invite people you like and want there and who will/do contribute something to your son's life.

[Doilooklikeatourist]

Just don't invite them to the christening . Either of them .

She sounds awful , and to be honest , so does your Father .

Makes my Dad and his wife seem like a normal couple

[diaimchlo]

YANBU at all this sorry excuse for a human being and his partner are not worth your time and energy. You have tried your best at the relationship and reading your post I would say it is the time to stop trying and cut off as it is obviously stressful for you which in turn will affect your DC.

You are right in your post at the end with "it is not a benefit bashing thread", these are the type of people that genuine benefit claimants hate with vengeance. The whole family appear to be milking the system fraudulently and bragging.... They should think themselves lucky because I would be straight onto the benefits fraud line if I knew them....

Cut them off.....Do not pay for a hotel for them at Christmas and enjoy your quality time with the family members you love and hold dear

[myBOYSareBONKERS]

I really don't see the point of sending an invite with that message in as it will stress you out and the fall out will over shadow everything.

I wouldn't want to be around that negativity and certainly would not expose my children to it on purpose.

Think you need to decide what you want to do and put it in action

[MoaningMingeWhimpersAgain]

I wouldn't put your suggested wording on the invite, as tempting as it is.

If you do want to invite your dad and his mum, simply address the invite to Dad and his mum and put at the bottom 'Fred Bloggs and Mary Bloggs only' I appreciate that you want to have a pop at them, but a snidey comment makes you look bad. Maintain the high ground.

If your Dad chooses not to come without her, fair enough. That's his choice. But don't give them more ammunition.