AIBU about my MIL? Please help!(114 Posts)
Hi I'm new to MN, I'd just like to know if people think I'm being unreasonable to feel upset/angry.
It's a bit of a long story so I'm sorry in advance.
I have a 2 mo son who is currently living with me and my fiancé and my parents house until we can move into our first home in jan.
While I was pregnant, my MIL said we could live with her and wouldn't charge us board so we could save up for our wedding which was a very kind offer which of course we accepted. I have never really felt comfortable in her house as its basically a show home and she's very strict and picky about things like cleaning etc and I come from a home where cleaning is not #1 priority every single day not to say I'm a messy person I always kept it tidy and clean, washed and ironed for them while I was on maternity leave.
So obviously we accepted her offer and I had only been living there 3 wks and was 4 days from my due date when she made a big deal with the fact I had asked my mum to come and help me wash my sons clothes and put them away in his nursery as she hadn't seen any of his clothes or seen his beautiful nursery that MIL kindly paid for and decorated. So I tell my MIL I had asked my mum if she could come help me sort his clothes out and she appeared to be ok about it. Later on that day my fiancé came home and said MIL had rang him in tears because she wanted me to sort the clothes with her (even though she'd suggested I do it the Monday while she was at work) anyways, she was really upset , told dp that she felt like a stranger in her own home and didn't want other people coming into her house. My mum is not just any person and she would not have trashed the place or anything. I was always told by her that I need to act as it was my own home etc so I really didn't think it would be such a huge deal. So I got upset and my parter and I moved into my mum and dads the next day. She didn't even speak to me she just completely blanked me. I thought it was such a horrible thing to do after saying I was to make myself at home she acted like that over a stupid thing. I would never have agreed to move into her home if I had known that nobody would have been able to visit me while mil + fil were at work and I would have been all on my own being a new first time mother.
So after son is born mil is acting like I'm a hero and being so nice and I'm being nice also even though I still hugely upset over the whole thing and how much stress it caused.
Now apparently she thinks my sons clothes smells of smoke... My parents do smoke BUT they smoke outside of the house obviously. She is so anti-smoking which is fine but my son actually doesn't smell of smoke. When I pack his bag to go to her house she doesn't put any of the clothes I plan out for him on, she puts brand new things on him, has her own blankets for him and even got her 17year old pram down from the loft to take my son out in. She has bought everything brand new for him like a bouncy chair, towels, bath everything! And keeps it in her house. I find this so annoying and I feel like she's acting like my son is her son. Obviously I understand she's excited to become a grandparent but it's too much. Every time I get pissed off it causes arguments between me and dp as he doesn't like me complaining about his mother. Also she has never expressed any of the problems she has to me she's always texting or ringing dp and upsetting him saying she wishes he and my son could go and live with her, she's not happy with them both living at my house etc... And my dp won't tell any of this to me I found out by reading his text messages as he wouldn't tell me why he was in such a bad mood. (I know it's wrong to do that but I knew something was up)
Am I being unreasonable? It's getting too much. She is known for being a bitch anyway, she thinks she is better than everyone else and looks down her nose at people which is awful to watch.
It's getting quite bad now I'm so unhappy and find everything she says or does gets me angry and my dp and I argue a lot about her. He doesn't see it from my point but I know it upsets him me getting upset and I really wish she would just keep her opinions to herself. It's hard enough being a new parent with a wedding and new house in the next few months.
I even sent her a message just before ds was born saying I don't know why she's upset with me and asking why she wanted us to move in so badly but not letting me know about her rules about visitors like did she seriously expect me to sit at home alone with nobody to help me if I felt I needed it?
She didn't even reply! And a week or so ago I complained to dp that she had just completely blanked my message and so he told her to reply to get it sorted and she said she had nothing to be sorry about she hasn't done anything wrong and she wasn't going to appologize for being her.
But she txt me saying she's fed up of the atmosphere between us and to accept that we are all different people with different opinions and put it in the past which I replied that I was still upset but I was willing to put it behind me and start fresh for ds and dp's sake. (Even though I still despise her) and try not to go to her house if I don't have to cause everything she says pisses me off.
Am I being unreasonable to feel like shit about it all still?
Am I in the wrong?
I know this all looks so petty but I'd really like an outsiders point of view and I'm sorry for babbling on
He is YOUR baby, not your mil's. He stays with you. Your dh should not be siding with his mother using YOUR baby as a weapon. And in case he's having trouble working it out, remind him who it is he wants to have sex with.
My DD is 11mo and I've not spent a night apart from her yet. Admittedly she still BFs
all bloody night long but emotionally neither of us are ready. My DH and her accompany me on all my business trips so we can all be togehter. OP, this isn't normal and it's worth the row. I'd get your HV to speak with your DH if he's not taking you seriously. You can then deal with the not taking you seriously later.
How is it going Nicole2781?
Have you managed to sort things out?
Another point. When parents split up a baby that age would not get overnight visits with the father. No judge would rule that. Not for a good long while. Just to make the point of how not right it is.
"If your DH says he doesn't understand, tell him right back that neither do you, that it seems he wants your DS to be away from you for the night, even though you've told him many times you don't want that to happen. Ask him why he wants that."
This is excellent advice from MagicHouse.
MrsAmaretto- that is very good sense.
OP- get some back up. get your HV, your parents and maybe even your GP to reiterate that at 2mo, your baby should not be taken from you overnight.
Bullies back down when outnumbered and that's what your MIL is, a bully.
I'm so sorry for all you are going through. I'm sorry but its not normal for your husband or anyone to take an 8 week old baby away from a mum who wants to keep the baby with them. Please speak to your health visitor and your parents to get some help standing up to him. Perhaps the hv could talk to him.
My pil constantly nag me for them to take my son over night (since 4 weeks old) - they live 2hours away on an island - I couldn't get to him if he wanted me overnight as there are no nighttime ferries. I keep saying no - he's 2 1/2. If you don't feel comfortable with something suggested for your child say no.
It took my DH years to understand that he couldn't please both MIL and me, always. Sometimes he had to make a choice
and if he wanted a wife and children, that meant choosing me.
He can't say one thing to you, and another to MIL. The attitude of "anything for a quiet life" is counterproductive
not to mention cowardly.
Do what MagicHouse said on the previous page.
I can't believe your husband suggested taking your baby with him! This is all to do with his mother and nothing to do with you or him wanting a break. Its obviously his way of 'making up' for all of you not living with her.
Not sure what MNetters think about your parents talking to her or will that cause more problems? I imagine like most MILs like her, her husband just keeps quiet. The early suggestion about your HV talking to her is a good idea. Also putting the pressure on him and then keeping the pressure on him also seems like a good idea. See it like training a child where you have to keep repeating yourself until he realises that you aren't going to budge.
You are doing well though. Keep going!
Im not sure what your dh is taking a break from as he takes his son with him? Is he leaving you alone for the evening, night and next morning to sit in with his mum? What do you do with yourself for this enforced separation? And where is the baby sleeping? If he wants a break from being woken and feeding surely he would stay with you, or you come too. Two months is way too young for you and your baby- whatever your mil says or your dp, your baby needs you and no one else esp at night! Does she hold the same views as you on aspects of newborns, is she having a go at controlled crying? Or co sleeping?
As its nearly jan, there will be no need for the overnights to continue anyway as you say you will have yor own home then. You must be firm about that-when you have moved in- just say you don't need or want a break from your ds. That's it really, you don't have to have excuses or negotiate. though you might want t retina a relationship with a dp that bends his will to his mums.
I hope you have Christmas sorted as otherwise your ds will be spending it with mil and you on your own at your parents. Going forward, stop the overnights, As you miss your ds too much and it's not for your dp or mil to decide that for you! If your dp prefers to spend his weekend with his mum so be it. If you take ds, you stay. And when you move she can come to you and visit just like your mum.
I hope you aren't moving too close!
As a previous poster said, your husband taking DS with him overnight does not make sense. You told him you didn't want to be separated, he said he needed a break. The obvious solution to that is he goes to his parents and has his 'break'. DS stays with you so you are not separated. This suggestion has now been twisted so he takes son with him meaning you are separated and doesn't get a break! Please ask him to explain how this makes any sense!
I agree with the others that if you don't want DS to go you need to make this clear now - unfortunately it is difficult but the longer it is left the harder it will get
i have just read about dp and his mum with the baby at night. NO BLOODY WAY!!
im sorry but that is exactly what she wants her baby, and his baby, under her roof with no DIL causing problems.
she will be in ur dp's ear about how easy it is, didnt he get a good nights rest, how good of her it was etc.....that is a bed you dont want to sleep in.
just refuse, say no, you mil is too old, wouldnt put her out, whatever but no way does that baby go without you.
if she is slagging you off to dp, he needs to grow balls and stop it. he suggests she sits down like an adult and discusses it or she shuts up.
if you are using her as childcare for sleep, you put up with the clothes issue, if hes going for a visit, you go to and no changing happens.
under no circumstances would i accept "move home" comments, i would suggest to her dp that this will only occur if he is leaving you and baby. and point out to ur mil that this will make him a single parent and is that what she wants?
i wouldnt stay away because their is atmosphere as that is what she wants to drive a wedge, do the mean dil routine.
however the things that occured before the birth, forget them. chalk it up to experience. but remember he his your and dp's son, not anyone elses. your mil must come through you and dp to get there and it will be on your terms.
honestly i would stop using her as a babysitter for a bit, yes its hard but its wats making her think she can do this.
Put your foot down! Your dh is not listening to you. There is NO NEED for your baby to stay overnight WITHOUT YOU! You don't want this to happen, so it doesn't have to happen. It's obviously not about your dh wanting a break if he wants your baby to go to. You need to say, "no you've misunderstood me. I don't want to be away from ds for the night. YOU can go if you want a break, and I'll take DS with me to visit your mum." Be really strong about this. It's important. Neither your dh or your MIL are taking your feelings into account here, and I think it's important that you stand your ground now, while your DS is so young.
If your DH says he doesn't understand, tell him right back that neither do you, that it seems he wants your DS to be away from you for the night, even though you've told him many times you don't want that to happen. Ask him why he wants that.
i dont think yabu at all if anything i think you are underestimating the control your mil has already of your ds
she likes to have him over night so she can do things in the day without you she has her own clothes for him.
it sounds like this has been going on for a while, how long has your ds being staying with her over night
i am sorry if this is harsh but what an earth posed you to send a tiny baby away for a night every week. you live with your parent who i presume are hands on with your ds so it cant be because you need a break
i totally agree you should put a stop to it now as it will only escalate. you cant say no now how are you going to say no if bh is away and he suggests your ds goes for a weekend then a week after all she has been looking after him since he was weeks old.
you have had some great advice above. be nice always take the high road (easier said than done i know) and be firm he is your son not hers.
if your dh doesn't like it he can lump it i will choose my dc over dp any day
He's being a giant git.
Op you know if you left him he would not get the option of doing that until your ds was at least one. Do not let him and her set a routine like that or you will not be able to stop it.
First of all he needs a break from the baby so baby has to go to gp's then you say no but he could so he wants to take the baby. You know damn well this is about his mother wanting your baby without you around
I really feel for you. Bloody families drive you nuts once you have a baby with all their interfering.
Two months is too young for both of you, not just the baby. Mums are designed to be close to their infants too. He will miss your smell and the scent if you. I also agree with the need for consistency at night, as it will cause problems later on if she does one thing you do another.
and yes, pick up the phone to the mil and tell her yourself that ds won't be staying over till he's older. this one is not up to your dp.
it's quite likely that the baby is quite stressed by being away from you for the night, op. i would put my foot down on this one right now. perhaps this has not occurred to your dp, of course, but if it hasn't then he's not really prioritising the baby's needs, is he?
Yes I agree, that whole thing about the row. He has to live with you, not his mum, so bend ear more than she does. Or better - don't bend his ear, just put your foot down and keep it down. And better in addition - phone your mother in law and tell her your baby will not be coming to stay overnight. And that is that is that. And if she still tries to achieve it through her son, she is really a very bad person and should be nowhere near yours - it should steel you in your purpose.
From your DH's response I would think it is not so much about him having a day of but more about him pleasing his mother.
I would tell him "thanks, but no thanks, I would actually love to spend some one on one time with DS so you just go without him. Plus I would feel lonely if you were both gone".
That was meant to say because your mil is currently shouting the loudest.
I feel really sorry for you. Your dp is going against your wishes currently your mil is shouting the loudest, so he is taking the easy route by upsetting you instead. I know you don't want to row, but I'm afraid unless you stick up for yourself and your son then they will walk all over yourself.
You need to be strong, you have mn behind you.
Your husband is acting like a child - tell him NO your baby won't be staying anywhere overnight without you and tell him to deal with it. He is being a fucking arse and you need to put your foot down! His idiot mother is treating you like shit and expects you to hand over your son?! Don't you realise she will start whispering things in his ear and do her best to turn him against you once he is old enough?
Stand up for yourself and demand respect lady!
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