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To tell my dd's dad to fuck off

(37 Posts)
InNeedOfBrandyButter Wed 05-Dec-12 17:20:10

He hasn't seen her since september, one phone call to ask what she wants for christmas till today when he rung and said he needs to speak to me and can he see dd, he was on his way and would be here by 4.... dd rung him half hour ago and again he's on his way.

I'm really considering stopping any contact at all, this is not the first time and this won't be the last. He doesn't bother to see her regularly and hasn't gave me any money since May.

Cahoootz Wed 05-Dec-12 23:19:15

I still wonder if your DD can still have a relationship with him even though he is such a twunt. he does sound awful sad
Compared with my Mum, my Dad is much, much the lesser parent. He is quite the selfish prat but he does 'sort of' love me and I do get something out of the relationship. I think confused My DM is the best Mum in the whole world and I feel she loves me a million times more than my Dad. He was the type to not turn up to see us, to forget birthdays and tell us incredibly thoughtless things. I don't expect much from him even now he is older and much more mellow but I still do get something out of the relationship. I am not sure it is logical but I think it is because he is my Dad. hmm
You can't control or change how your DD's dad behaves or thinks but he is your DD's Dad and he may mature over the years. Is it possible to let him visit when he wants, as long as it doesn't interfere with any of your plans. You don't have to mention it to your DD until he is on your doorstop.
It could be if you are more accommodating to his erratic and immature behaviour that he might visit your DD more often. Even though you have been very accommodating, in his warped mind he may find it too much trouble dealing with you to be bothered arranging to see his DD.

I know this is at odds with most of the other posters as it is such a passive approach but I think it would maximise the chances of your DD ending up with some sort of relationship with her Dad. I realise that he doesn't deserve this.

Good luck with whatever happens.

InNeedOfBrandyButter Wed 05-Dec-12 22:37:45

That is a good point chipping, and knowing him like I do that would be his reason for all and sundry.

Horrible isn't it neurotic, thats exactly how I see it, why can't he love her like I do, sad I actually get quite angry when I read things on here like oh xh wants dc for christmas but I don't want them to go because I would love him to think to want her on special days like that.

neuroticmumof3 Wed 05-Dec-12 22:02:02

I'm in a similar position with my DD's dad. He usually sees her every Saturday but 3 or 4 times a year will just not turn up for a few weeks (so far up to 6) at a time. No calls, texts, explanations or apologies. I have thought many times about stopping contact and making him take me to court. The problems is I'm not sure that unreliability would, in the judge's eyes, be a good enough reason to stop contact or that stopping contact would be considered to be in DD's best interests. I too interpret his lack of effort/thought towards her as meaning he doesn't really love her. If he loved her he'd want to see her and would consider her feelings.

Just recently he showed up for her birthday but not her birthday party which was a few days later. I've not heard from him since. Although she hasn't mentioned him she has been quite challenging over the past two weeks or so, cheeky to me and her teacher (which is unusual) and quite tearful at times. I don't understand how he can't love her like I do.

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Wed 05-Dec-12 21:46:17

Love - you know what a twat he is. It wouldn't make a jot of difference to his behaviour if you went to court/mediation/mother teressa came back for a chat with him. He is a git, he has always been a git, he will always be a git. Your DD is getting to an age where she will work that out for herself. Nothing you do is going to stop her coming to the realisation that he's a git. Don't push it with him - then you can always honestly say to her that you did everything you could to make it possible for him to see her (which you have) and you never stopped him. If you get an agreement it wont change his behaviour, but it will enable him to say 'well your mum would only let me see you on x days and not when I could'

InNeedOfBrandyButter Wed 05-Dec-12 20:25:52

choc I already don't tell her until her rings and says he on his way, today he rung and told her he was coming, then a hour and a half later he told her again he wa son his way and then the third time I said it's to late now. I usually don't tell her until he's 5 minutes away and I know he's really coming.

cahoots I would say if he really loved her he would want to see her, not about being lazy he drives and lives 10 minutes down the road. Wish it was just laziness these last years Iv'e always excused it with "his hearts in the right place" when actually if his heart was in the right place he's bother to come and see her and ring her.

I just want him to want to see her every other weekend/once in the week something regular but not so I'm tied that we can't go on holiday or argue about christmas. Have no idea how to go about getting mediation will look into it but I know I'd be wasting my time, he doesn't see anything wrong and twists everything I say.

balia Wed 05-Dec-12 19:20:39

I sympathise, my DD's Dad was exactly the same - in fact it is better when they are younger as you can just not tell them when he has said he is coming, when they are older they tend to make arrangements when my DD asked her Dad to take her to prom and he asked her for petrol money!

But - if you think he might take you to court, think very carefully about stopping contact. A court order would tie you, not him. You would have to make DD available for contact, he wouldn't have to turn up.

I would set firmer boundaries (by letter/email so you have a record) eg if he won't commit to regular contact, he has to arrange it, say, a week in advance. If he lets her down, then he needs to show commitment by ringing her once a week; when he has done that 3 times he can arrange another visit. (Don't tell DD about any of it, obvs.)

And yes, CSA.

VBisme Wed 05-Dec-12 19:04:16

Could you try mediation? Court won't look kindly on a forced court case without prior attempt to sort regular contact out, (I'm not suggesting you haven't tried, but you need evidence).
I hope you get it sorted for your DDs sake.

Cahoootz Wed 05-Dec-12 18:47:20

I would have let him come and see your DD. He is obviously a crap Dad but it doesn't mean that your DD can't have some sort of relationship with him. You can be honest with her about the fact he is unreliable and inconsiderate but she follow your lead if you say exactly what you think of him.
Are you sure that he doesn't love her? He might be lazy and inconsiderate but he might still love her. (I hope ) confused

HairyGrotter Wed 05-Dec-12 18:42:31

It's heartbreaking knowing the truth, but maybe he'll turn it around? Who knows.

Give him that last chance to make something of this relationship with his daughter, if he fucks up, be open with her (don't obviously be blunt with the whole 'he doesn't love you' thing, but you know that already), and explain that some people are just not very good parents, or have their priorities wrong. Reassure her that she is loved, respected and that you will always be there no matter what.

ChocHobNob Wed 05-Dec-12 18:32:51

You obviously wouldn't tell her he doesn't love her. You would just say Dad was supposed to come but he hasn't. And if she asks why, you don't know why unless he has given you a reason. Then distract her with something else.

You could even not tell her he's coming so she isn't let down, although that is easier with younger children. But if you don't tell her he's coming, it'll be a pleasant surprise for her is Dad turns up and he can wait in the car while she gets ready to go with him.

InNeedOfBrandyButter Wed 05-Dec-12 18:25:35

I just hate the thought of dd knowing her dad doesn't love her sad

HairyGrotter Wed 05-Dec-12 18:20:31

Just be honest with her, she is at an age where she will understand honesty. My friends DD is just a little older, and my friend had to do the same thing. She was open and honest, let her DD ask questions and all has been fine thus far.

InNeedOfBrandyButter Wed 05-Dec-12 18:19:20

She's 7 just after Christmas.

InNeedOfBrandyButter Wed 05-Dec-12 18:19:02

Ok any ideas how to explain it to dd?

ChocHobNob Wed 05-Dec-12 18:04:01

"So how would I go about getting him to have regular access or no access?"

I would ask for set days and times. No messing around. If he can't give you set times tell him he needs to apply to court.

If he gives you the times, give him 30 mins past the collection time and if he doesn't show you and DD carry on doing what you're doing or go out etc. Text him and say "You are late. We have plans. DD will see you next time".

i dont really have any advice but i just wanted to to say that my "dad" left when i was 3 (im 31 on friday), and ive turned out pretty ok. i dont remember him at all but i know how hard it was for my mum to bring me up by herself, and it made us so much closer.

as horrible as it would be in the beginning for her, your dd will be absolutely fine if he chose to walk away. being constantly let down by a fuck wit her dad, i think, would be so much more damaging to her. go through the courts and get money for her too... at least then you can prove to her when she's older that you did your best

HairyGrotter Wed 05-Dec-12 17:59:01

I would talk to him and explain that, if he wants regular contact he needs to either arrange this with you, or he goes through a solicitor.

InNeedOfBrandyButter Wed 05-Dec-12 17:55:03

I don't know his mum where we have each others numbers and such and I'd doubt she'd ever ring me/she hasn't before. And the rest of his dc are scattered about. Dd isnt close to any of them doesn't see her grandma at Christmas and such, if I do cut him out it won't be a sudden hole in her life.

So how would I go about getting him to have regular access or no access? Do I just say that's it fuck off and either wait for a solicitor letter or not.

HairyGrotter Wed 05-Dec-12 17:48:34

Does his side of the family have contact with her? Why would that cease if he decides not to bother.

I'm not a big believer in having a useless parent around a child, I study Psychology, and child development, it makes me a little tetchy that some many people try and 'orchestrate' something that isn't really good for the child. She will grow up and understand the circumstances, you won't be the bad party (or maybe will be during the teenage years but what mum isn't), you have to protect your child and be the parent. Strong and stable.

However, I only speak from my side of the fence, not really the right or wrong side haha

InNeedOfBrandyButter Wed 05-Dec-12 17:44:00

I know if he has to step up or step out he'd chose to step out. So I've always gone along with least she knows him and can't blame me for his shit, so I know me telling him to fuck off and take me to court is effectively stopping my dd knowing him his mum and her other brothers and sister.

Santasapunkatheart Wed 05-Dec-12 17:43:09

I have git too - my daughter actually wants nothing to do with her dad, so I can sympathise hugely.

You sadly have to be the parent here for least she has a loving mum.

Horrible time of year for all this, isn't it? Worse to see our children upset and let down by (fill in the blank)s.

Sorry to hear that you are going through this but you know what, you will be are doing the right thing, all along the line...

HairyGrotter Wed 05-Dec-12 17:41:14

You won't be doing her any favours by letting this 'sporadic' time continue much longer. One thing kids need is stability, she needs to know that no matter what, she has a 'safe base' and that is vital (imo) to the child growing up to be happy and confident.

HairyGrotter Wed 05-Dec-12 17:39:45

The boundaries need to be set, and he has to PROVE to want to be part of her life. You have been generous with the chances, he hasn't bothered. Now the ball should be in his court as to whether he is ready to step the fuck up and be her 'dad' instead of a man who happened to just 'father' a child.

InNeedOfBrandyButter Wed 05-Dec-12 17:39:09

I don't feel that I'm doing the right thing though, she hardly sees him as it is.

Letsmakecookies Wed 05-Dec-12 17:36:41

Inneed - I do totally empathise, being in a similar place. But I do think you were right whatever to put your foot down today, he was taking the mickey.

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