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Knock next door and ask if car parked outside my house was someone visiting them?

(64 Posts)
seaofyou Tue 04-Dec-12 11:43:50

Or will they think I am crazy asking that LOL!

Long story...but I have CCTV now due to numerous attacks on home.

I just opened curtains and car there could make out a man/dark hair and 5 seconds after I opened curtains car started. I ran to front door and saw it go fast down road make/model and year.

Wanted to ask neighbour. Don't know them they are newish and don't know my problems here. Don't want to share it either.

Neighbour has lots of visitors who park there but I clocked then all to know who they belong too and don't mind as looks like I have visitors!

But I have not seen this car before and man sat in car made sharp ish drive off when I opened my curtains.

CCTV not got view of that side of front as on slant to pick up front door. My ex has parked in that spot before (different car).

Shall I ask neighbour? Want to be told it is their visitor!

seaofyou Tue 04-Dec-12 16:28:45

I thought 13 months since last possibly in area thought it had stopped tbh H.

I had cobweb and spider on lense once and I tried to clean it with duster and it fell down and all the camera was picking up was grass. Luckily neighbour came over next morning and got up on his ladder to fix it as under upstairs window but to high for step ladder needs full length ladder.

Weird thing is though if someone just stopped to use phone etc they would have had to drive forward and reversed right close up to next doors car. Surely they would just stop on other side of drive entrance. Though it was tucked right back out of CCTV viewing!?

CCTV can't face people's houses etc re privacy laws. I would have had to do that to see parked car. I am end of street so CCTV angle towards end of street.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Tue 04-Dec-12 16:46:22

Big hugs to you sea.

justmyview Tue 04-Dec-12 17:20:23

Ah poor you, sounds stressful

HisstletoeAndWhine Tue 04-Dec-12 21:37:09

I wonder, could you point a camera on the other side of the street, with the neighbour's permission of course, so the camera is pointing at YOUR house?

DeafLeopard Tue 04-Dec-12 21:52:01

seaofyou I remember some of your previous threads, no advice just wanted to say how brave I think you are, your situation sounds so stressful.

Big unmumsnetty hugs

maddening Tue 04-Dec-12 22:02:14

If a neighbour knocked on my door and explained their situation as you have done and asked if the car was related to me I would have no problem at all.

maddening Tue 04-Dec-12 22:04:06

What above out of your upstairs window pointing down to the street?

seaofyou Tue 04-Dec-12 22:29:15

Thank you all for your support there, means a lot esp when alone...was more scared earlier in day mind you as 2 houses opposite were empty and ex always struck when the house opposite were on hols or asleep. They have lit up the outside house like Florida which is fab as now I remember when I went away in August both my lights stopped working outside. I can't open either of the light cases one ? bulb and the other had a massive thumb print in PIR sensor (last time damaged my outside lights) still their the dent and the light at same time as other one stopped working the light was on 24/7 which I don't mind as lit all night but now that bulb has gone too and it is pitch black outside...wont answer the door to anyone as have no lights...unless they shout who they are...but visitors are extremely rare.

If I turned camera round H it would face hedge. I would have to have it taken down and moved thats where it gets expensive...then my front door would not be in sight as front door is in a roofed over sheltered part as other room sticks out iugwim (garage) so 'black spots' either side but need that front door watched.

Know I have settled and I checked next door fab idea by DeWe very quick thinking at the time! I know now that car was pulled up there as had to drive onto pavement and then reverse to get close to next doors car. I do think now it is ex. Same behaviour as last time quickly drove off when I opened the curtains.

I checked back in CCTV and two cars similar to the this one past my house first one (10 minutes) second one 6 minutes before the car outside left...however the car that drove up the street 10 mins earlier looked more like it! There is only one way in/out as several dead end streets up my road. Plus not many cars around so if visiting there was plenty of room further up the street.

I will keep my eyes peeled and glad I did ask the neighbours...thanks again for excellent advice and support.

RyleDup Tue 04-Dec-12 23:12:58

Oh seaofyou. Thats so bloody unfair, its rubbish to have to live like that. Would it be worth talking to all of the neighbours, get a bit of support so they can all keep an eye out too? It might make you feel a little bit safer.

seaofyou Wed 05-Dec-12 00:03:22

My neighbour opposite is good as her DH came over and refixed the camera. Her house used to get bikes stolen a lot etc and I have noticed it has not happened since who ever leaves street will be on CCTV, so that is good. When ex used to park around the corner waiting to attack I did send letters and photo of ex to those houses asking they keep an eye out and call the police. But after being spotted 4 times by people who were visiting us in car he stopped parking around the corner and would circle the streets instead...yep twice caught doing that too, so car parked elsewhere ex could easily leg it it through the wooded area and fields slightly down and opposite my street leading to several escape routes.
I don't know anyone else and big hedge next door down on both sides would not see anything.

RyleDup Wed 05-Dec-12 00:16:58

Oh fuck. Well I'm sure you probably already have taken the precautions that your locks are good, windows are always locked, phone by your bed, etc. I would consider getting a dog as they are great for warning you if something is amiss, well some dogs are anyway. I feel for you, I had an ex like this. He doesn't know where I am thank god, but i still wake up in a cold sweat sometimes wondering what he would do if he found me.

seaofyou Wed 05-Dec-12 01:14:32

Ryle thank you for sharing your horrendous experience and so glad you are safe now! Thing is when I went to Women's Aid for counselling...she said not to move as I would feel like 'this now' all the time and it wasn't down to where I lived...but I think she is wrong!?
So did moving help you? I see you say you still wake up in cold sweat but has it got easier?
I find 'stepping' over the front door frightening...just getting mail from mailbox on outside wall or putting rubbish outside at front side of house! Once I am out (away from house,street) I am fine and dread going is more like a prison more than a home now.

Also my friend said ex would track me down easily unless I changed my name..I don't want to do that mainly because I named ds after my DB who died before ds was born.

We both are allergic to dogs, need inhalers and steroids. Gutted as I wanted ds to have a dog as nearest thing to a sibling...but can't

I have new front door without letterbox now I had to buy nearly a year ago as arson risk and ants getting in and freezing in winter with draft due to door basically kicked so many times coming out of wall of house.

I could only move within city as ds in a specific school due to his needs (autism) so I couldn't move out of area. Then it's trying to sell/cost of selling/buying...who wants to buy house with CCTV...can't take it down to sell....CCTV is keeping this monster from attacking us but using other methods just as powerful.

AndFanjoWasHisNameO Wed 05-Dec-12 03:09:38

Oh Sea sad this is a terrible situation for you both to be in. Did you tell the neighbour the backstory? Think you should definitely let as many people know as possible. What a horrible dickhead angry
I see why Women's Aid recommended staying put but that house holds so many awful memories for you now that I personally would think about moving. Re: selling with CCTV-I'd explain to estate agent and get them to photograph the outside without showing the cameras and just explain the situation to any potential viewers - I can honestly say that it wouldn't have put mr off a property for your reasons, neighbourhood vandalism - yes!
Whereabouts are you (don't be specific if dont want to) can any of us do anything?
If you did wish to totally relocate I'm sure there would be appropriate help to get DS placed in a good school to meet his needs.
Thinking of you and ssh-have a hug smile

HollyBerryBush Wed 05-Dec-12 04:15:29

How did you get permission for the CCTV to film the street?

This area had a lot of trouble at one point with late night youths and hte local park, when a neighbour threatened to put up CCTV to film the street, he was told in no uncertain terms by the police that this would be illegal, and he could only film within the boundary of his own property.

seaofyou Wed 05-Dec-12 08:36:23

Thanks AndFanjo for hugs and others...slept well because so exhausted from worry in that is good. If it was ex I know it is passing either coming or leaving country so I know I won't see anything else suspicious now.

Holly that person you know wanted to directly use the CCTV for the street. My camera is on side view to show my front door my driveway and wall it does show path and road on that slant which CCTV company said is fine. They said if camera pointing out direct to street and or anyone's house or front garden this is not there is no one else to the other side of my house I do not pick up a 'next door' garden as wall going to end of street. So it is not breaking privacy of anyone one else in street. HTH

PessaryPam Wed 05-Dec-12 09:00:22

Threads like this make me wish we could have a whip round so Sea could hire an 'exterminator' and get her life back.

seaofyou Wed 05-Dec-12 09:33:50

ah thanks Pessary, I do however have a guardian angel here on MN who is willing to travel over 400 miles to stay and help get evidence if it comes to a point where ex will possibly attack by a trigger that has hung over his head and run from for 8 yrs hence why ex moved abroad in first place. If this trigger ever happens it is good to know I have that support and MN website did this as the MN found me which is a Gods send!

I begged Police to go and just have a word with ex or his parents to say someone is attacking the home of their DGC did they know any not even accusing but letting them know police is involved and serious, but Police said they were not allowed to do this as I could be sued for accusing ex even though I asked Police just to let ex know in hope he would come to his senses and stop. Even with witnesses of ex being in area on days of 2 attacks and attacks foiled due to being seen I cannot do anything as the 'person' needs to be caught in the 'act' and ex has thankfully not attacked since CCTV but driving past and parking outside is nearly as scary as the attacks themselves!

RyleDup Wed 05-Dec-12 11:29:55

Oh seaofyou, it did help moving away, but I moved a long way away. 200 miles. This was 20 years ago and people didn't have such easy acess to the internet, so it was harder to track people. He wouldn't have had the money for an investigator.

I moved back about 10 years ago, to a town about 30 miles away from where he is. I have been very careful to keep my head down, friends are sworn to secrecy and I am always on my guard if I go out in the evenings. I think these days for him, its a case of out of sight is out of mind, but if he saw me, or knew where I was, he would be back with a vengeance.

Having said that, I do feel more confident these days, esp at night time. I no longer sleep with a hammer under my bed, I have the big dog, which helps, although you could replace the dog with alarms linked to a security firm. My old house had that, although it was already in place before I moved in.

I think if you weren't going to move far then it probably wouldn't be worth moving at all as you run the risk of being spotted, and he's obviously still got you in his mind. I think it would be easier with at least a slight name change, a bit added on or something, and a bigger move away. Its either that, or ramp up the security on your existing home, or move somewhere local that is difficult to access through gardens round the back etc. Having good security does make a big difference to your emotional well being.

RyleDup Wed 05-Dec-12 11:39:42

Hey, just had a thought, could you rent your place out through an agency and then rent somewhere else yourself. Then you would be able to take the cctv down and look at selling it. I dont know how practical this is. Obviously you could still be seen at the school, but I reckon it might help you a bit to be somewhere else more secure, but without the memories attached.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 05-Dec-12 13:44:36

If I'd recently moved in I'd think you were a slightly strange and brazen nosey parker to think you can ask me that. Tbh, you have cctv, if an incident happens call the police and stay inside, at the back of your house. YABU IMO. The Newbies might think you are implying something about them and their lifestyles too. Also I'd be scared shitless to think I had moved to an area where this level of vigilence is thought necessary. I'm sorry that your experiences have left you shaken, it must be awful to feel like that in your own home. sad I would try and make a neutral connection with the neighbours first and maybe a frienship will develop and you could spend time together, if and when you felt anxious in future.

seaofyou Wed 05-Dec-12 14:18:13

Ryle it is not letting me PM you so written here but might delete it as I get worried

I see Ryle why even being 30 miles away it is so hard. Still living looking over your shoulder for him! That is least I know I have to as he knows where I am.

My sis actually helped ex in early days feeding him info and going to school with him and ex then reporting me to SS to try and get DS put in care. If she knew from my DM or DB she could tell ex again! I don't know if they are still in contact but ex wrote a lot of things that are irrelevant that only my sis knew. Sis denies it! But an important witness slipped up and said it to me without realising ex new wife who was divorcing ex after less than yr marriage...again ex was divorced by first wife before a yr...shows there was flags and I didn't take a bit of notice.

Hammer is good..I did have a bread knife for a while and I have baseball bat downstairs too.

Ryle sorry to ask but I assume you had spilt up when he was violent? What type of things did he do? Just want to see if pattern like ex trigger was not besotted by me quite the opposite..ex wants me dead as I ruined his life having our's all down to money too he would rather do pay by time in HMS than pay a penny maint.

It doesn't go away though Ryle...I am so sorry for you it hasn't. I am still going through the nasty little stuff that just reminds me of the bad stuff. I was hoping by moving and safe it would go away...I will try though.

As soon as I can work I can sell or rent my house and move somewhere else...I am de cluttering house these last few weeks getting it ready to put up for sale in New Year...but no cant rent out as classed as income if I have to rent somewhere else.

Police officer phoned couple hours ago. I don't know why I was pretending I was fine and not terrified. I don't want them to think I am as they only call in SS which can be a nightmare!

There is other stuff with ex too hurting DS and I just wanna wrap DS up in cotton wool hoping it will go away...SS said I was making it up to the police who then also decided to not investigate...good thing really as ex would have murdered the 2 of us. I just need to keep us safe and the stress if that alone is beyond!

Thanks for sharing your experience as you are 21 yrs ahead of me and it really helps.

Nolittle I know what you mean hence did DeWe idea...which worked out v good.

The area is lovely leafy suburb no trouble is ex that is doing this been here 13th year coming up and no problems otherwise. That is why I don't want to tell anyone. Except neighbour opposite who had bikes stolen.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 05-Dec-12 14:21:59

Hope things get better soon OP smile

seaofyou Wed 05-Dec-12 14:25:18

Me too Nolittle and poor couple next door young with 2 small kids would never want to frighten them, but as fanjo and hiss says moving is only way but the fear still haunts {{{{Ryle}}}}

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 05-Dec-12 14:36:36

It didn't seem as though you did want to frighten them, and I never thought that, I just wanted to explain why I thought it would be unreasonable to ask, but not for you to be worried by the car. I can't imagine what it's been like for you makes me sad for you to think what that person [uses term loosely] must have put you through.

RyleDup Wed 05-Dec-12 20:34:21

No, he  never actually  hit me, its more subtle than that. The underlying threat of violence. His sexual preferences were unusual, violent, yet he presented them as normal. I knew it wasn't, but I was actually terrified he would cause real harm to me if I refused him.

  He stalked me, everywhere I turned, he was there. He stalked my family, threatened them with violence, moved himself into my parents house for a while, he tried to get me into trouble with the police and the benefits agency for things I had not done. Fire was his best friend and he was not afraid to threaten people with it or use it, he did not care what harm he caused.

He was controlling, manipulative and clever. He managed to get one friend on side, and used the information she gave him to cause more harm. Similar to your sis, although said friend is now horrified that she allowed herself to be manipulated, to my detriment.

I can't say much more in case I out myself. His reasons were different to yours. He adored me, was completely obsessed, when I tried to leave he took the attitude that no one could have me. And that obsession turned to hatred. 

He tinkered with my car, did something to it to try and cause me to have an accident. It may have worked, except someone saw him messing around with the car and warned me. His hatred ran so so deeply, that I think it would be impossible for him to let go of it in his life time. He was convinced I was a force of evil, in retrospect I think he experienced some sort of psychosis.

I have no doubt that he would try to kill me if he ever saw me again. 

Having said all that, it does get easier. I only dream about him a couple of times a year now, and being vigilant isn't that hard, and doesn't take up too much head space these days.

Things will get better. Stay vigilant. And I reckon moving house would do so much more for you in a short space of time, than years of counselling!!

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