...to be annoyed that my Mum just invites herself and then ruins Christmas?(113 Posts)
Long Post-sorry. I am in my 40's and have a very strained relationship with my mum. My siblings have nothing to do with her because of her attitude, she has narcissistic tendencies. I would quite happily cut off all contact with her, but feel guilty because I'm the last of her children who tolerates her. She has brothers and sisters whom she has alienated too, but doesn't see her behaviour as a problem. She presumes that she is coming to spend Christmas with DP and I, but this will be the 12th year she's just invited herself and I just can't face it again. She is overpowering, selfish and sooo ungrateful. She knows I only invite her because no-one else will put up with her. You'd think she would behave in a more reasonable manner, but she aways dictates how the day runs, what we eat, when we eat, stops us meeting up with friends later in the day etc. My DP's son will be home from the forces at Christmas, so we can't run away abroad for Christmas to avoid her! I'm generally a strong minded woman, but my Mum is such a bully that railroads people into doing what she wants. I know you only get 1 mum, don't be uncharitable, it's the season of goodwill etc!!!! Don't judge me, you haven't spent Christmas Day with my mother, what should I do?
That's great to hear but you really need to stand up to her bullish behaviour and be more like your siblings. She sounds vile.
Just thought I'd update you all and say thanks for your advice and funny comments. I took DMs presents round about a week before Christmas and joy of joys, she announced that she was going to spend Christmas day with a couple she knows! I don't know if she invited herself or they invited her. So DP and I had the most chilled, relaxed, peaceful and stress free Christmas Day than we've had for a looooong time. So next year won't be such a big issue. Thanks for all the advice
I feel for you, my mother-in-law is exactly the same, we live 6 miles away from her and she is a nightmare.
As an example of the madness I have to put up with my DH has to ring her twice a day (once in the morning to let her know he did not die in the night and again at 11pm before we go to bed). If he doesn't do this she will just turn up at the house at 11pm and bang on the door waking everyone up until we let her in). Last week we went out for the day, my DH had told her we would be out all day but she forgot, rang our house constantly all day (there were 30 messages on our answer machine) then when she filled up the tape on the answer machine she found the phone number for my next door neighbours and rang them . She just turns up at our house whenever she feels like it, its like having our very own stalker.
I have told her exactly how I feel about her but like your mother she is thick skinned and after her initial tears, screams, acusations and badmouthing us to everyone who will listen she then acts like the conversation never happend and carries on as before (sigh).
My DH would never admit it but I know he is scared of her, unfortuatley he is an only child so there are no other siblling to help share the misery. Needless to say my mother-in-law has never had any friends and alienated the rest of her family years ago.
I hope you manage to be strong and keep Christmas Day stress and mother free, I only wish I could do the same.
OP no is a complete sentence, under the circumstances you don't actually have to be civil to her but I understand if you want to be.
Remember the good MN sentences:
Did you mean to be rude?
Fuck the fuck off and when you get there fuck of some more.
Good luck with telling her!
I feel sorry for your family having to put up with all that every Christmas. Not very nice for everyone else to find it amusing that you have to always entertain her though, but i can't say i blame them.
Think you need to put yourself and others before her for once.
I dream about emigrating sometimes.
justmuddling if she says she will just have a sandwich say "okay then". Don't pander to her at all. I'd drop presents off xmas eve so you have a full day of not having to grit your teeth.
Just tell her and then batten down the hatches. Curtains shut, doors locked, phones on silent, etc.
Have you read the book "Toxic Parents"? May be helpful if you haven't.
I know you did. I meant move again. Just don't tell her where you've moved to. You can salve your conscience by phoning her once a week from your mobile, which will remind you why you haven't told her your new address.
I think you're doing the right thing
<waves Pom poms at justmuddling>
I did move house, but she follwed me. Oh joy!
Does she turn up at a particular time? Can you disable the doorbell?
You could ensure you are all out on a nice long walk/pub over the time she appears, and simply not be there. Or all be in the front room with nice loud Xmas music playing so you can't hear her banging on the window.
You could employ a doorman for the day, who simply refuses entry to mad old bats who don't have the gilt-edged invitation. Oh, OK, that's a bit far-fetched.
I'd move house, tbh!
Unless she really is very local, I would give her presents on Xmas eve/another day and ring her on Xmas day. And don't bring her lunch as it will be an excuse to shoehorn herself into your day/moan etc :
You are perfectly entitled to spend all of Xmas day with dp and dss.
I know it is hard - mil is giving dh the full martyr routine (she wa invited to Xmas but turned us down as difnt want to stay and we are not prepared to do 8 hours driving on Xmas day to collect and drop mil back )
MH, man hater, and this from the woman married twice and currently walking out with a gentleman ( and no she can't spend Christmas with him, coz he's lovely and is spending it with his family, who can't stick her either).
I'm going to tell her that we are having a quiet time, that I'll nip round on Christmas morning to deliver her parcels and have a cuppa. I'll tell her that we've never had a Christmas doing just what we want and that I'm sure she understands that. I'll tell her that I'm sure she has other places she could go to enjoy herself. I will remain calm, I will ask her to not interrupt while I am saying these things and I will make sure she's got the message as she talks over the top of me, lays on the guilt thick and chants her 'what have I ever done to you?' mantra. When she pouts and does her wee pathetic cough, I'll offer to drop Christmas dinner off for her, I'll ignore her comments that she'll just have a sandwhich or something. I'll imagine all the days she's ruined and know that this year'll be just as bad unless I stand up to her. And I'll think about my siblings having a great time at Christmas, guilt free and I'll think that that's the kind of day I want.
DP and DSS are just too damn nice for me to hide behind them, and she'd twist things blaming them for ruining her Christmas. Among her many issues, she's also a MH, so it would be right up her alley to try and use that as a way of causing bother between DP and me. She really is a poisonous old trout. I'm going to have to just bite the bullet and tell her that she'll have to spend Christmas
and inflight her particular brand of Christmas misery with someone else this year. She's not going to ruin another Christmas for us. I'VE DECIDED!
Moved across to be near you? Are you serious? Your dh must be a saint
Just muddling, do you have a kitchen with a big table you can sit at? I strongly suggest you make it as comfy as possible with a tv, then there are 2 places to go.
What are you going to do? does dps son know she is coming? Has he got a girlfriend he can bring as well? Or is there a black sheep of the family to invite she doesn't like who is a bit of a laugh? Unplug the telly, say its broken...
Or invite the whole family to reconcile and meet at yours?
OP.....you are dreading it because deep down you have not really decided not to let it happen. Once you have an agreed, watertight action-plan then your stress will go. As it is, your mind is already preparing for the onslaught of this awfull woman as it has no real alternative. Yet!
justmuddlingalong, I get why you find it difficult to deal with your mother. But is it the same for your DP and his son? Could your DP just phone her up and tell her she's not welcome any more, and
when if she turns up at the door his strapping big son could block the door and tell her to bugger off?
I realise that you will feel guilty about her being on her own, but you really have no reason to. Could you try and usurp it with guilt about ruining DP and his son's Christmas instead?
We have a similar situation with DP's sister. There's no way on earth I'm cooking for her or entertaining her Xmas day after last year and all the get togethers since.
I've put my foot down, DD is going to her dads for Xmas dinner, we are going out to a pub for Xmas lunch. That put her nose out of joint
Book a meal out OP. Fine if she invites herself. Stay for your Xmas lunch, then quietly fuck off and leave her in the pub.
Yes Blissfully, DP used to say 'oh that'll be your mum', now it's 'oh FFS here's yer mother!' I think auld Cruella has worked her magic on him now too! [big grin]
DH needs to understand you don't have anything like the DM he had. I had similar when DD was born - she practically moved in on the pretence of helping with housework, then she sat around cuddling DCs all day long, doing bugger all and I heard her telling my DSis "they buy all the food and pay the bills, so I buy the sweets for us all." I warned my DH but he flatly refused to believe me - he thought nobody could actually be that bad! Foolish person! Have you reminded him of Christmases past? Have you asked why he thinks nobody else talks to her?
Looks like your choices are;
Have a nice relaxing Christmas dinner in a lovely hotel/restaurant
Hire a short stay holiday cottage and go there
Hide behind the sofa
Put up with her ruining another Christmas
Swap your bedroom with your dining/sitting room for a few days so you don't have to hide behind the sofa, you'll be hiding upstairs instead
Lock all the doors and leave a sign on the door that says "yes, we are here, but we're not answering the door and you can't come in"
Lavenderhoney, the rest of the family feel no guilt, they find it funny that I'm lumped with her. And yes unfortunately mum's like this all the year round, but somehow Christmas day seems to be worse than any other. She knows how I feel about her, but plays the martyr card. I moved across the country, she moved across too and lives just 2 mins from me. If she comes round and I'm not in she'll phone demanding to know where I am. Or if DP and I are having a lazy Sunday morning she'll bang on the window to be let in. We have to monitor her sherry intake at Christmas coz she starts rambling on about the fantastic upbringing we had
even though I think she's getting muddled up between our life and an episode of the Waltons. Karaoke sounds fun, but mum might miss Songs of Praise, an Aled Jones documentry or Daniel O'Donnell in concert! We are of course lucky to be graced with her company and the out of date Christmas pudding that she brings every year, Am sure it's been the same 1 for about the last 5 years, she insists on taking it home still unopened, so she dictates what's on TV. I can feel myself getting wound up when she starts her nonsense, so arguing over the remote could just be the difference between an argument and matricide. No kidding!
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