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to think that two children just looks a bit too much like hard work?!

(138 Posts)
Bullets Mon 03-Dec-12 19:41:51

DS turned two in October and is such a lovely little boy, very kind and caring, I really enjoy his company. Six weeks in and no sign of any terrible twos yet, plus he's finally started going to bed at bedtime, staying there all night, and getting up at a reasonable hour, so he's okay with one of our mums babysitting meaning DH and I can have the odd night out.

DH and I always planned to have two kids, but are having a serious case of not-wanting-to-rock-the-boat-itus. I've recently started a new job that I'm really enjoying, three days a week, and childcare is all covered by DH and grandmas, so DS is very happy with this arrangement too, and our finances are healthy enough to start saving for a holiday. Life is good!

I feel happy, fulfilled and well-balanced.

We've just got back from a weekend staying with friends who have an 18 month old and 5 year old, and without wanting to sound too wet, it just all seemed a bit too much like hard work! The parents were arguing over who did what, the kids were fighting over their toys and which parent they wanted to do something for them. I don't think anyone was enjoying themselves!

AIBU to think that one child might be enough? For me and DH as well as for DS - is it fair on DS not to give him a brother or sister? Things got pretty rocky with DH when DS was young and not sleeping or feeding well, we're back on solid ground now but I don't know if our relationship could take it again.

HairyGrotter Mon 03-Dec-12 19:43:39

See how you feel in a few years time, two is still young etc. I wouldn't have another child, I like that it's just DD and I, the dynamic works for us both. I don't 'rule' anything out, as such, but I'm not looking to change what we have.

See what the future holds, no need to make a concrete decision

NotMostPeople Mon 03-Dec-12 19:47:13

It is hard work, I found the transition from one child to two harder than none to one and strangely harder than from two to three. I remember thinking that when we had one we were a couple who had a child but with two the children totally took over our lives. I would say it has got easier in the last year or two now my you test is 10.

I wouldn't be in a hurry.

zlist Mon 03-Dec-12 19:47:22

I felt the same, almost exactly the same!
We have kind of drifted into having one child I guess - neither of us wanting #2 enough to rock the very steady comfortable boat!
DS is now 8 and I would be lying if I said I didn't question our decision at times, especially as friends with 2+ seem to be past the stage where it just looked like plain hard work!

NotMostPeople Mon 03-Dec-12 19:47:59

Art auto correct - you test = youngest

bradyismyfavouritewiseman Mon 03-Dec-12 19:48:23

I have 2. What you describe is down to the couple not the fact they have 2 kids.

We have a 7 year gap. Good in some ways, not so good in others.

I have found it hard, but not as you described above. I think me and dh are a good team, Esther we have 1 or 6.

I miss the days of just having dd. But I couldn't imagine a world with out ds. He is now almost 2 and a joy. He sleeps 13 hours and is easier than his sister was.

Its hard because once they are here, the good bits far out weigh the bad.
But you can say that about 3 and I am definitely not having 3.

TravelinColour Mon 03-Dec-12 19:48:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vigglewiggle Mon 03-Dec-12 19:50:46

I cannot deny that the early days of having 2 is really tough going. But my DD's are 6 and 4 and we have had a couple of years now where things have been considerably easier.

I think the reasons you have outlined for not having a second and very valid. Lots of people have a happy family with one child. However, it is lovely to see two siblings develop their close bond. Of course they will fight, it is natural and teaches them important life-skills. But it also makes life much easier now when they can disappear off for an hour or so playing together.

Also, second babies seem to be much easier babies than first babies because... they just have to be!

Annunziata Mon 03-Dec-12 19:51:18

I think going from 1 to 2 is the hardest. I do think it's lovely to have siblings. I can't imagine not having all of mine, and the lovely parts really do outweigh the bad.

I have 6 though, so maybe not the one to ask!

Chandon Mon 03-Dec-12 19:52:08

If you are all happy, stick with it.

I have two boys, it is fun to have two, it was crazy when they were aroind 3 and 1, but then it gets better every year in terms of madness!

The ony thing I wish is that we had had a number 3 boy ( or girl) as they grow up so quickly, and I love all ages and sometimes miss them being small...

But I feel that door has closed.

Lucky I have loads of nephews and nieces at baby age!

I even feel nostalgic about breastfeeding ( am I having a midlife crisis?! shock )

BabiesNeedInstructions Mon 03-Dec-12 19:52:57

There's no doubt about it, two is hard work. We've just had our second with a 2 year age gap, and it's tiring. Just the logistics are a struggle, getting them bothout of the house fed clothed and clean is a mission. We took the view that it was worth it for the long term gain - ie, a sibling close in age for ds - but in the short term it's tough. No harm in waiting a while if you're enjoying life, only you can decide when or whether it's worth doing again. I would say though that u don't think there's any particularly easy age gap to aim for - friends with 3 years or more between kids still have problems, just different ones.

catgirl1976geesealaying Mon 03-Dec-12 19:54:16

I'm right with you OP

How do people do that????

DS is 1. I can't imagine having another, even though he is a lovely "easy" baby.

Plus.............I can't imagine ever loving anyone else this much.......

BabiesNeedInstructions Mon 03-Dec-12 19:56:15

And yes, experience here is that second baby is definitely easier!

chicane Mon 03-Dec-12 20:00:15

Yanbu - i have two and love it. I wouldnt change it for the world.

Mine are 22mo apart and ilove their relationship. However, i am fairly certain i would be a better parent of just one. I feel like i went from parenting dd1 to crowd control of the pair of thrm.

I think one child families look so lovely and close. A great many of my four year olds friends (aged four and five) are onlies and seem very happy.

SantaWearsGreen Mon 03-Dec-12 20:04:39

The jump from 1 to 2 was a walk in the park for us, honestly. We wanted to have two close together, that was very important to us for many reasons. We really found no difficulties. It was the jump up to 3 that was the hardest, that truly rocked the boat.

I don't know if it was because she was not planned at all or what but it is just so much more testing. I think because you only have two arms really, seems such a simple thing but yes, I long for a third arm.

naughtymummy Mon 03-Dec-12 20:08:55

No one else can know what is right for your family. 2+2 is great because there is never an odd one out. I know they will always have each other. Bizarrely I loved having 2 tinies but DH couldnt stand it. So Mabe I am a bit odd like that.

marriedinwhite Mon 03-Dec-12 20:10:34

I was an only and desperately wanted two. We had a 3.5 year gap (eventually) and it wasn't difficult at all. The 2nd, even though she cried non stop for 6 months, seemed a breeze because I knew what I was doing. We expected it to be horrendous because ds was the only child for much longer than we anticipated and we thought he would be very upset and very resentful when he had to share our time. That wasn't how it was at all.

It is harder work; there are two lots of homework and two lots of kit later on and possibly two different schools and two lots of commitments. In my very honests opinion, every single minute has been worth it and we had no help at all.

On the other hand I don't think only children are necessarily bad at sharing or spoilt but they don't learn to negotiate as well and personally I found the rough and tumble of school life quite hard. They also have no help or support when parents are getting elderly bitter

Allegrogirl Mon 03-Dec-12 20:11:30

YANBU as your set up seems to be suiting you all really well. However I have two and I am really glad of it. We've got a 2.10 gap and I found it relatively easy as DD1 was not an easy baby. DD2 very clingy but easy to please as long as she was carried and cuddled.

I have a nearly 8 year age gap and DH is an only. My DDs have something very precious that we never had. They get on brilliantly most of the time at age 5 and 2. I realise that this is partly good luck. They can actually amuse each other and I can see that in the future holidays etc will actually be easier for DH and I as the DDs will have each other for company.

On the down side there is a lot of crowd control required. We also play juggle the children at weekends so each gets a bit of one on one time. DH has had to step up as he didn't do his fair share with just DD1.

There is no issue with loving number two as much. To me they are a unit, 'the children'. I can't imagine loving one more than the other.

Llareggub Mon 03-Dec-12 20:11:55

Mine are 6 and 3.5 and in some ways it is getting easier because they play together and rarely want me interfering. But as a single parent it is tricky to get that one to one time with them. S different for everyone though.

dreamingbohemian Mon 03-Dec-12 20:17:15

YANBU I feel much the same way (have a DS who's 2.8 years)

There were times I felt extremely broody, up until about 6 months ago when he finally started sleeping all night, going to a childminder, and all of a sudden life got sooooo much easier. Now the thought of starting all over again makes me shudder!

The three of us are very close and have lovely times together. I don't think DH and I are really cut out for more than one.

I grew up an only child myself and it was pretty great! I really didn't mind. So this helps me worry less about DS.

People always say they will be lonely, not having a sibling to play with, but for me anyway it just meant that I got really good at amusing myself -- and DS has been the same since he was a baby, enjoying playing on his own a lot, so I think he will be fine.

Gilberte Mon 03-Dec-12 20:19:08

Two is way harder than one in my experience. MY first DD was not an easy baby, she was a difficult toddler, she didn't sleep through until about 3 but in 3 years I don't think I ever shouted or cried in front of her. I was patient and reasonably calm.

Having two has changed all that. I quite often feel I'm losing my mind, I lose my temper, I'm irritable. I cry a lot.

My 2nd DD is the easiest sweetest child in the world.

But the dynamics, the logistics and the fighting and noise is hard.

PortHills Mon 03-Dec-12 20:19:15

Mine are nearly 4 and just 2, and while I do spend time referree'ing their fights and arguments, I also spend a lot of time laughing at the two of them playing together and just being brilliant together.

DS was nearly 2 when DD arrived, and he has adored her since she first came home from hospital. Not so much now when she breaks up his lego or runs off with his toys, but she does it because she loves him so much she just wants his attention. (How I rationalise it when I am in referree mode :-) )

So agree, hard work. But for us it's just what we always wanted.

N0tinmylife Mon 03-Dec-12 20:20:30

Of course YANBU. If you, DH and DS are happy as things are, why change it? That said, should you change your mind in the future I am sure that would be great too!

Meglet Mon 03-Dec-12 20:21:26

Yanbu. I have a 6yo DS and a 4yo DD and it's still chaos.

Whenever I have just one of them for an hour or two it's terribly civilised. But they play together more often these days, ok, punches and toys are thrown and voices are raised but they do have each other and not just boring old mum to play with.

StinkyWicket Mon 03-Dec-12 20:22:13

Just so you know, our twins (first babies so I never got the pleasure of just one) didn't hit the terrible twos till about 3 and a bit - conversely our 13 month old seems to be hitting them now!

Don't make any decisions, you may change your mind. I didn't think I'd want anymore after the twins but the broodiness was all-encompassing. I have all boys btw and it's great. A madhouse, no doubt, but great.

(Also, I also was a bit worried that I wouldn't have enough love to 'share', both during my first and second pregnancies. I needn't have worried, you love them equally, separately, individually and as a unit. It just happens!)

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