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to think this is a little insensitive

(44 Posts)
MurderOfGoths Mon 03-Dec-12 02:26:01

It's DH's birthday tomorrow, and it's the only thing he really celebrates in the year. (Not religious so doesn't do Xmas, Hallowe'en, etc)

This year we invited a couple of friends over. Unfortunately all of them cancelled due to illness. Not the best news, but fair enough, it can't be helped.

Or so we thought.

Turns out that one of them was too ill to come round, but well enough to go out and buy himself a games console (one which he knows DH would love but can't afford). And well enough to go to someone else's birthday drinks. And then post online about how great both things were.

Bearing in mind this is the same bloke who my DH is on the phone to every single day, listening to him talk about whatever is bothering him, usually until 3am. The same bloke who has been none to phone 3 separate times in one day because he was feeling low.

DH has always made time for him. Even when I was ill during the pregnancy, even when my mother was ill, even when our DS was ill. DH has always made sure he has been there (obviously without neglecting us).

I sent him a message to point out that no matter whether he meant it maliciously by posting those things, he could have been more sensitive. Especially as he knew that DH was struggling really badly with mental health issues.And it's not like he has no understanding of mental illness himself, so he can't claim ignorance.

I'm sure this wasn't meant maliciously, DH agrees, but there really was no need to be so blatant about it all. I pointed out to him that all it would have taken would have been to not make these posts visible to DH.

Frontpaw Mon 03-Dec-12 16:08:54

Is this 'friend' a bit thick then? Why did he not think that a) you'd see the post and b) you'd be pissed off?

It's up to your DH how to play it. You can't go all dragon on him, if he wants to forgive and forget.

Personally, I'd tell him to piss off amd play his Xbox next time he calls for advice or a shoulder to cry on.

MurderOfGoths Mon 03-Dec-12 16:15:37

I think he's one of those people who are booksmart but lack common sense.

DH is angry but doesn't want to lose his friendship.

Frontpaw Mon 03-Dec-12 16:34:13

Your poor DH! It sounds like list mum is hard work. I can't belive she didn't say happy birthday - I hope she at least remembers a card!

Forget them and arrange your own little celebration, with cake, presides nd lots of booze. Balloons optional (can't stand them myself. They may very well go pop and scare me).

MurderOfGoths Mon 03-Dec-12 16:40:29

I sent him a message pointing out that it did look malicious if he didn't even bother to say happy birthday. He's just sent me a message back saying "oh I thought he'd be a bit touchy this morning"


Aside from the stupid use of "touchy", does he think that ignoring DH is going to make him less "touchy"?!

Frontpaw Mon 03-Dec-12 16:49:48

He's a twat. How did he expect him to act after that stunt? I hope he bloody well makes and effort tomorrow!

IWipeArses Mon 03-Dec-12 18:26:08

Lose the friendship? This isn't a friendship. Sounds like his Mother has trained him not to expect much either.

I hope his day is improving.

MurderOfGoths Mon 03-Dec-12 21:49:13

Hey everyone, I've let DH read the thread and he wants me to say thank you to all of you. He really appreciates the time and advice you've given. He says you've got it all spot on.

He just wishes he had other friends so that he felt he could cut this guy out.

Unfortunately this isn't the first person to treat him like that. And I feel bad because most of them he's cut off in part due to me pointing out they were using him. I feel like I've isolated him.

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs Mon 03-Dec-12 21:52:53

I doubt very much you have isolated him. For some reason he attracts those man friends who treat him badly.
My poor Dh has no friends, just a few at work who he doesn't see outside of work. His one best friend of 20 years had a mid life crisis involving an OW and cut off my Dh (I think he was ashamed of himself that we all knew) Since then Dh said Sod him, and hasn't got back in touch. He has you and the kids and I bet that means more to him than a user friend.

FabulousFreaks Mon 03-Dec-12 22:02:07

Gosh almost the exact same thing has just happened to me. As far as I am concerned these friends can take a hike, they have just shot way down my list of priorities.

I feel for your dh but he needs to focus energy on finding good friends and not use his energies up with shit friends.

TequilaMockingMagpie Mon 03-Dec-12 22:06:15

It sounds to me that Dick head friend was jealous that others were asked to join in with celebrations .

Does he cope with other friends at all ?

I certainly wouldn't be available to chat till stupid o clock next time .

Blu Mon 03-Dec-12 22:07:27

Happy Birthday Mr Goth - celebrate because you obviously have a fab DW who loves you and fiercely defends your right to be treated with respect.

You are also obviously a v lovely guy to be so reliably there, caring and patient with your friend.

Make yourself some Next Year Resolutions (these are the ones you make on your b'day, not 1st Jan).
1. Remember that being a good friend doesn't always involve allowing people to take the piss. You can be a good friend, even a better one. by saying 'hang on a mo', if you need to be calling me at 3am, perhaps you need professional help - ADs, sleeping pills or counselling, rather than an amateur like me who is even more amateurish at 3am. Go to bed now and go to the GP first thing in the morning'. And then tell him that you will not talk to him at 3am, but you will support him to get help.
2. Remember that to be a lovely guy, you can also be a lovely guy who is truthful. If your friend behaves like a prat, YOU be the one who calls him on his FB update. Message him and say 'If you were not going to come to my B'day drinks, you could have just told me, then I could have planned something else.'.
3. Don't let MrsGoth be your gatekeeper, even thuogh she does it cos she loves you. YOU fight those battles with your friends, YOU manage their behaviour. Having YOUR friends means YOU talk to them. Difficult convos are as much a part of friendship as fun ones, and being able to have those conversations actually makes friendhips more likely.


Have a good year smile

PretzelTime Mon 03-Dec-12 22:13:15

Sounds like your DH's friend is trying to make himself an ex-friend in a really assholish way! Seriously, not even a "Happy Birthday..."?!
Also what Blue said.

MurderOfGoths Mon 03-Dec-12 22:26:55

Wrt point 3, he normally does. He's not the shy and retiring type grin

However I tend to be a little more tactful and calm. So it was decided it'd be better coming from me in this instance.

ThePoppyAndTheIvy Mon 03-Dec-12 22:30:50

I have a friend who used to use me in very much the same way - I think I was the reliable shoulder to cry on/have coffee with when no-one else was available hmm. The final straw for me was when she phoned me on the afternoon of my hen night (17 years ago) saying that she was very sorry but she had a really nasty migraine and wouldn't be able to come. Imagine my surprise when later that evening I walked into a pub with my sister for a pre-hen night drink (not a pub we had planned to go to) and saw her enjoying herself with a different group of friends sad.

I still keep in touch with her from time to time (after not speaking for about 5 years post hen night), but more as casual aquaintances than "good friends" - it ruined the friendship for me, which obviously wasn't that important to her in the first place.

Happy Birthday Mr Goths grin.

Corygal Mon 03-Dec-12 22:40:56

Many Happy Returns Mr Goths - but let's hope yr awful 'friend' doesn't return. He might be a laff but you can do better. You're not losing much letting him go....

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 04-Dec-12 00:29:00

thanks MrGoth. Happy Birthday.

EricNorthmansFangBanger Tue 04-Dec-12 01:18:53

I second what's already been said here.

Happy Birthday Mr Goth wine smile

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 04-Dec-12 02:38:11

BTW, MrGoth shares a birthday with my LittleMissPratchett. He is an honoured man.

Winetta Tue 04-Dec-12 06:51:44

Sorry to hear - not very nice. Hope things get better for you all

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