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to feel sorry for DS who was 21 today and got.....

(116 Posts)
ThatVikRinA22 Sun 02-Dec-12 23:16:27

from us - he has a nexus 10 but its a combined xmas/birthday pressie so he has decided to have it on xmas day.

we have no family. not a one on either side. so im usually very thankful that my friends buy for him. Ive always said they dont need to, and he is now 21 so really it should stop.

really it needs to stop - my friends gave him:
friend 1. a xmas bag which contained various items of smart price/value food - including a smart price pot noodle. a fucking value pot noodle. please - if you cant afford a real pot noodle dont fucking bother....and i had told her that i buy his food.
friend 2. a matalan body warmer. too small and dog turd colour. now ive never quite seen the point of body warmers anyway - where are the sleeves???? what good is a coat with no sleeves anyway? no tags in so suspect it may not be new....and it doesnt even fit me or id have nicked it for horse riding.
friend 3. something useful. a fiver. god bless her.

so. IABU for being an ungrateful cow probably. but really - i find some of this slightly rather they didnt bother tbh than put this little thought into it.
the fiver was very gratefully received - he is a student.
the value pot noodle im angry at. irrationally so. i buy their kids nice things - wooden stamp sets, hmv vouchers, not fucking value pot poor boy. luckily he is gracious and accepting. he has AS and is lovely. unlike me. im not lovely. im pissed off.

i need more wine

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 03-Dec-12 16:50:54

thank you.

i asked DH earlier what he thought, because i really wondered if i was being unfair. Its not about what any of it cost, its more the absolute lack of any thought - my sister got my Dr Who obsessed DH a darlek air freshener for his birthday and he loves it - it sits in pride of place in the car. it must have cost all of £3 but she got something that she knew he would appreciate. He pointed out that this is the difference here - just an absolute lack of any kind of thought as to what he might appreciate. we had agreed we would buy for each others kids until 21, i just feel like its very one sided.

my friend had mentioned that she was thinking of getting him to bits of food to take back to uni and i had said that i tend to buy it all anyway - and yet she did it regardless, same friend who declared that i was going to be her bridesmaid just after my sister died and then told me i would have to pay for my own dress....i am too compliant. i never say no. i never rock the boat.
and today i was prescribed ADs which i thought maybe i didnt need until i have just burst into tears because i burnt the sausages....blush i think its just how im feeling at the mo. maybe it wouldnt normally have bothered me.

my other pal who got him the gilet, she is a treasure usually and i do rely on her for a listening ear, and her boy has SN too so we are really close - im going to still give her the pandora charm. ive bought it now. i think i need to look at my own people pleasing tendencies. Im starting the ADs tonight.

QuickLookBusy Mon 03-Dec-12 16:35:56

Vicar, I'm glad you're feeling ok now.

I do think you're friends were mean and I certainly wouldn't be spending £40 on a friend's Xmas present.
Take it back, buy her something for a tenner and then spend that money on your dc. They will appreciate it far more.

StWinithread Mon 03-Dec-12 13:41:08

I am slightly resentful of my parents. I bought them both thoughtful/special gifts for their respective 60th birthdays, and for my 30th they didn't get me much, which was fine, but then a couple of months later they asked if I wanted something, a 'big present' kind of thing. I said 'no thanks', I can buy my own things, if you want to get me something nice for my birthday, great, but if it's months later then the moment is gone, and it's just silly.

FayeKorgasm Mon 03-Dec-12 12:26:03

I understand where you are coming from Vicar

I have a 21 y o son as well. He might be an adult but he will always be my little boy.

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 03-Dec-12 12:08:36

thanks again for the opinons - im unreasonable to feel unreasonable on his behalf grin

really its fine now. he has trotted off back to uni for a week, and i am chilling now with a brew and surveying the ruins of my house which needs a huge tidy up and clean, so need to crack on.

i think i just felt a bit sad for him, but as many an aspie mum will know its often us that feel the burn on their behalf - he is happy as larry actually and if he isnt he isnt showing it....i think its just a little telling. I felt a bit used i suppose but it is more about my feelings and i realise that.
He doesnt miss having family because he has never had any - i miss them on his behalf. He is lonely at uni and hasnt really managed to establish any friendships there, but 2 girls arrived here yesterday with armfuls of chocolate for him and spent the day, i thought uni would be full of misfits but he is yet to find any there.

anyway. all is well. He doesnt know that i was peeved about any of this btw. im fine now.

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow Mon 03-Dec-12 10:57:24

No!! Defo no pandora bracelet!! Shame as it's not the kids being so rubbish, but sounds like you can't really afford a gift like that anyway, take it back!

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow Mon 03-Dec-12 10:56:03

Aw poor DS, he probably doesn't mind because he's thinking too much about going out with his mates, and lame presents off him Mums friends probably won't make or break his 21st. but I would be pissed off on his behalf too smile Long as he had a nice birthday though, don't go mad with their kids next year!

JustFabulous Mon 03-Dec-12 10:53:53

A packet of nice chocolate biscuits would have been better than a smart price pot noodle!

Those posters saying how they don't buy for adult children of friends/you shoudn't are missing the point. The OP and her firends do and when you have for 20 years it is crap to make so little effort for their 21st.

musicismylife Mon 03-Dec-12 10:49:18

I think the smart price potnoodle was meant to be a joke, you know haha hmm

zipzap Mon 03-Dec-12 10:39:04

I would take the pandora charm back - hopefully you still have the receipt and just say that it was the wrong colour or something and get your money back. If they won't give money back then get something nice for your or your ds.

Then go to a market or shop where they sell knock off / looky likey /--value range-- pandora type charms and get her one in not the right colour for a couple of quid. When she complains you can tell her that after you'd tried the value stuff she'd given to ds, you realised that there wasn't that much difference between the real stuff and value stuff and that applies even more so to pandora bracelets than it does to pot noodles (hope I haven't got muddled by this point and pandora bracelet woman was gilet giver - but even so - would still work, just get it from matalan instead say that you didn't realise she meant a real Pandora charm at £40, you're sorry but you just don't have the spare cash around at the moment much as you'd love to spend that on her).

And again, please please ask for the gilet receipt - it's not being rude if she gave your ds something that doesn't fit him. Even if he ends up with a manky brown gilet that does fit him instead of one that doesn't at least if it has tags on he might be able to return it for a gift card if you have no receipt or he'll wear it and be warm. Although if she has a ds that is a similar age to your ds but a bit younger then maybe it is one of his cast offs. You could say oh well, I'll give it back to your ds for his 21st as it doesn't fit my ds and I bet you chose it because you thought your ds would like it too... All sorts of ways to do something with it that wouldn't necessarily outwardly be rude. If you gave it back and said that ds thought it looked like a pile of puffy dog turd then yes, that would be rude. But to say that it was the wrong size isn't. And if she shrugs and says it can't be changed then you are still no worse off than you were before...

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Mon 03-Dec-12 09:54:06

Agree with Journey.

Journey Mon 03-Dec-12 09:45:52

I think I'd tell the friend who gave the value food that you'll just be sending cards from now on and in return it would be nice if she did the same.

I would not give the pandora bracket if this is the same women who gave the value food. That to me would be saying mug. Either return the braclet to the shop, keep it or give it to a charity. This will give you a bit of satisfaction in knowing that they won't be getting a lovely gift because of their behaviour.

If you give the gift then you're saying it is okay what you gave my ds for his 21st.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Mon 03-Dec-12 09:33:06

I LOVE that word!


Say it real quick!

cory Mon 03-Dec-12 09:23:17

They sound like loons (particularly the pot noodle loon), but you do sound very protective of him.

I know he has Aspergers, but he is an adult; if he isn't worried by something then I think you need to step back; you can't live your life getting upset about every snub and funny treatment he receives.

Apron strings over there <hands over scissors>

He'll be fine, really. He sounds lovely and has a lovely girlfriend. And there must somebody around his uni who will appreciate the pot noodles.

YourHandInMyHand Mon 03-Dec-12 09:16:25

I'm more shocked that your "friend" specified you should buy her a £40 pandora charm! shock

Perhaps send an email around in January to these friends stating you will be knocking present buying on the head. I sounds like one friend has older kids, and one has younger kids that are drowning in toys. I'm sure it won't be missed and it will save a lot of hassle. Bet the Pandora friend will be disappointed but tough! hmm

My DS is autistic and eats a very small amount of foods. He'd be very confused by a gift bag full of foods he doesn't like!

Latara Mon 03-Dec-12 09:15:56

Ps. not wanting to make you feel bad but i'm pretty skint & i gave my sister some nice pressies last week (her birthday), & buying some for Xmas too, just not spending so much on the Xmas pressies.

Latara Mon 03-Dec-12 09:12:42

Or an itunes voucher, a Waterstones voucher for student books etc.

Latara Mon 03-Dec-12 09:11:46

If i knew a 21yr old lad i'd buy him:

a box of mini toblerone or other 'man' chocs; with alcohol but i'd find out what he prefers first (usually Stella or similar?).

or if i was spending more then eg. a Superdry beanie (£14.99, my Dad may receive one for Xmas).

Your friends need telling - buy decent stuff or don't bother.

TheShriekingHarpy Mon 03-Dec-12 09:03:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JugglingWithPossibilities Mon 03-Dec-12 09:03:07

A few basic items of food sounds as though she was trying to be helpful and practical for your student DS - as someone said though perhaps idea could have been better thought through - such as throwing a few beers in with it all, and putting it in a wee hamper, perhaps with a student cook book ?

LaCiccolina Mon 03-Dec-12 09:02:39

I don't understand at all. His 21st birthday crept up on everyone? He sounds happy with ur gifts so what's the issue? Are u cross the gift shopping bag was value food so if it had been waitrose it would be ok? I thought it a nice idea. I got a bit of that when a student and found food always welcome...? It's not nec a 21st birthday gift ie silver key to the door, but what bloody use is that? And why should someone else buy him a 'to b remembered' type present if urs is a joint Xmas one? Bit double standards there. Hope the wine helped u calm down. As u say gifts change or stop at this age. He sounds a lovely boy so well done there. He sounds happy and sorted so at 21 all u can ask for! Hope week goes better...

HullyEastergully Mon 03-Dec-12 08:56:14

I think you are mixing up feeling sorry for him because he didn't get many presents (because he chose xmas), with being cross with the friends.

I think the foods from one friend sound just what most people would think a student would appreciate, and she probably DID put thought into it and couldn't think of anything else.

The bodywarmer is a bit more odd.

Tbh, if it were my dc, I would have got bits and peieces to make up for a likely lack.

melika Mon 03-Dec-12 08:54:45

Ha ha, theshriekingharpy, that would get message across! but I think the friendships wouldn't last too long after that.

TheShriekingHarpy Mon 03-Dec-12 08:51:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 03-Dec-12 08:49:58

Yes a collection of foods for a student, but I'd already told them I buy his food. I still think that a few value packets of rice n noddles Is a bit crap for a 21st but if iabu I will happily accept that. I'm over it today anyway. He had gone back to uni and left here anyway...he is home for Xmas in a week. <eyes pot noodle for brekkie>
Unfortunately there Is nothing in it he would eat ( cept maybe the wine gums) I'm sure we will find some use for it or give to a food bank.

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