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to think that if men automatically got residence of children they'd leave less often?

(120 Posts)
NotANaturalGeordie Sun 02-Dec-12 21:26:42

- Yes, I am expecting a bun fight--

I think that if, in the event that a husband wants to end the relationship he was automatically expected by society and law to have majority residence/custody of the children (i.e. he couldn't leave them behind and 'move on') that less men would leave (see the relationships board).

No RL examples or axe to grind on my part - opinions please.....

exoticfruits Sun 02-Dec-12 21:28:39

The ones that I know would be thrilled! Leaving the DCs is the most difficult part.

MissCellania Sun 02-Dec-12 21:30:05

you think that children, and the prospect of being their primary carer, should be used as a threat to keep a man who wants to leave in the home?

WTF?

pingu2209 Sun 02-Dec-12 21:30:19

That is hysterical. Yes I think you have a point. I read somewhere that there is a huge percentage of relationships that break down in the first 2 years of a child's life. It is often the man that walks away because he can't take the pressure.

I think you may well have a good point.

Anonymumous Sun 02-Dec-12 21:31:42

I agree with ExoticFruits. A lot of men stay with their wives for the sake of the children, or because they think they will get fleeced for maintenance payments when the wife gets custody. If it was the other way round and the wives had to pay them, it would be bye-bye-wifey!

OpheliaPayneAgain Sun 02-Dec-12 21:32:01

I dont think it should be an automatic right the female gets residency. It should be on circumstance and situation, not gender. I know several women who should nt be allowed to keep gold fish let alone a several children (who would be better off with their fathers)

There was a time when the husband did get automatic residency - would you like to go back to those days?

LineRunner Sun 02-Dec-12 21:32:18

You have to read the other thread, really.

kim147 Sun 02-Dec-12 21:33:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits Sun 02-Dec-12 21:34:27

Exactly- do we really want to go back to the days where women couldn't leave because the man automatically got the DCs? hmm

missymoomoomee Sun 02-Dec-12 21:35:21

What about when a woman ends the relationship, does she get to keep the kids as a 'punishment' then too confused

NotANaturalGeordie Sun 02-Dec-12 21:36:24

My personal opinion is that, wherever possible, and issues of abuse of all kinds aside, it should be 50% residency for both partners.

However, I often lurk on the relationships board and the posters there often seem to be left huge difficulties in getting maintenance payments from their ex, or the ex seems to see the children only when it suits him, and to quickly move on in their lives leaving the mother and children devastated.

And I wondered if these men would have ended their marriage quite so quickly if they had no choice in maintaining residence.

(yes, I am playing devil's advocate)

MikeOxard Sun 02-Dec-12 21:36:34

I would have thought the opposite OP.

LineRunner Sun 02-Dec-12 21:37:23

It's in the other thread. There is discussion with examples of the inequity of one party being able to walk away and never having to have a career suffer in the slighest as a result, whilst the other party has major financial vulnerabilities as a result of being left to bring up a child or children when they were not expecting to, hadn't planned for it, and had no porvision to do so; and how society doesn't see this as a disgrace because the lone parents (mostly women) are not sympathaised with, and worse, are not politically valued.

exoticfruits Sun 02-Dec-12 21:38:12

I'm sure there are lots of men staying in relationships who would leave tomorrow if they got the DCs.

LineRunner Sun 02-Dec-12 21:38:17

Excuse typos. ^^

exoticfruits Sun 02-Dec-12 21:38:56

I haven't seen the other thread.

NotANaturalGeordie Sun 02-Dec-12 21:39:24

Of course I don't see children as a punishment. I wanted to discuss the apparent ease with which some men walk out on their families and wondered if the attractions of an OW would diminish if the man came with DC's.

NotANaturalGeordie Sun 02-Dec-12 21:40:29

Thank you for clarifying LineRunner

LineRunner Sun 02-Dec-12 21:41:13

It's an interesting discussion of lives that woman lead when they have been left unexpectedly without warning or provision, whether working or not, and have children to bring up alone.

Especially where absent Dad withdraws on the parenting front, sometimes entirely.

The inequity of career chances is stark.

exoticfruits Sun 02-Dec-12 21:41:45

His attraction would probably diminish for OW- but that is very different!

LRDtheFeministDude Sun 02-Dec-12 21:42:43

I'm glad this is hypothetical and wouldn't want to see anything happen 'automatically', because it seems very unfair for the children.

That said, if we're considering this situation, I think it would depend hugely on what stage of the relationship it was. I was assuming reading the OP that we were talking about a family where the mum and dad split up at some point after deciding to have children and starting a family. But reading line's comments it sounds as if we're also/instead talking about what happens when a woman gets pregnant, and whether the man can just walk away?

Can someone link to the other thread, or give me the title?!

NotANaturalGeordie Sun 02-Dec-12 21:44:46

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1623519-Dont-give-up-work-to-be-a-SAHM-unless

LineRunner Sun 02-Dec-12 21:45:21

Leaving families, LRD.

Viviennemary Sun 02-Dec-12 21:45:48

A lot of men are totally devoted to their children. So I don't think the ones that aren't interested in their children are typical of men in general.

LRDtheFeministDude Sun 02-Dec-12 21:47:07

Thanks both.

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