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'Why did you have a baby with him then?'

(224 Posts)
AnneNonimous Sun 02-Dec-12 13:28:17

Who on earth decided this was an ok question to ask someone?

My DS's dad is a knob. If people ask about him they are told he is a knob. Why do some people think it is ok to then ask that question?! Do they seriously think I made a deliberate decision to have to have him in my life for the next 18 years?

I get it quite a lot and I have seen it on here a few times too. It is not helpful. For those that ask this you should consider yourself lucky that you didn't end up with someone that mistreated you and your child. Nobody chooses this situation for themselves.



BelaLugosisShed Sun 02-Dec-12 13:59:56

I do think the vast majority of women have to take responsibility for their poor choice of partner, the number of narc/abusive/psychotic men are quite few and far between and most crap men show their true colours way before the breeding stage.

catgirl1976geesealaying Sun 02-Dec-12 14:00:10

Whatsthebuzz - I think the idea is to ascertain before having a baby if they are a twat or not.

Bit difficult if they don't show their twattishness until after you get pg but if you knew they were a twat beforehand then chose to have a baby with them people would be within their rights to ponder why you would do that. But not to say it.

FestiveDigestive Sun 02-Dec-12 14:00:10

OP - Do you think it might be the "telling people that he's a knob" part that causes them to then ask you that question?! Perhaps stop telling people that when they ask about him and then they will stop asking you a question that irritates you.

Do you give that response when DS in earshot?

catgirl1976geesealaying Sun 02-Dec-12 14:01:08

grin be fair I might pick someone up on setting their hand on fire.

Or just back slowly away......... grin

TeeElfOnTeeShelf Sun 02-Dec-12 14:01:38

Good point FestiveDigestive.

DontmindifIdo Sun 02-Dec-12 14:02:00

well, the trick is to not shag a twat in the first place, but some woman are really, really, really crap at spotting a twat. You read the relationship threads and think "why the fuck did it take that to make you leave? Why didn't you go at X?" and when you can clearly see after a few minutes that a man's not a keeper, you can't help but wonder why their DPs didn't see it too. But some woman really can't see they level of twattery in a bloke until it's really shoved in their face, often by this point they are already pregnant, or at least have emotionally commited themselves to the relationship.

"Why did you have a baby with him then?" Could much more appropriately be "why did you ever have a second date with him?" it's basically coming from the same point. Some woman have to learn the very, very hard way. OP, I guess you're one of them.

AnneNonimous Sun 02-Dec-12 14:02:05

Festive of course I don't bad mouth him in front of my son. And I don't just blurt out 'HE'S A KNOB! A KNOB I TELL YOU!' To anyone that mentions his name. In a conversation about him, I will tell the truth.

SnowWhiterThenWhite Sun 02-Dec-12 14:02:11

I think some of the comments on here are incredibly rude and unfair actually. I didn't CHOOSE to have a baby with someone abusive that later on decided that actually he was gay. I knew he wasn't ever going to be a superb father but I was 16 and u chose to have my baby because he was MY baby. I would never have an abortion because I didn't like the father. I believed that I could be a good enough mother to counteract that and I now have a very happy, well adjusted gorgeous 5 year old Ds. Yes his father is a waste of space but I didn't choose to have a baby with him. It was unplanned and I chose to have my baby because he was mine. Nothing to do with the father.

MissCellania Sun 02-Dec-12 14:02:47

Probably about as much as you meant to sound like a moany arse, I'd say.

Probably best if you stop going around telling people your DS's dad is a knob, then you won't have the problem at all.

AnneNonimous Sun 02-Dec-12 14:04:31

I am genuinely shocked by the amount of high horses.

TeeElfOnTeeShelf Sun 02-Dec-12 14:05:07

My point, Snow, is why even have sex with someone who isn't going to be a good father?

Because that is always a potential outcome of having sex, no matter your birth control method. A baby.

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 02-Dec-12 14:05:17

It's hard not to think it when one fucked-up child after another passes through your hands, one dysfunctional sibling after another not into double figures and already learning that people can be shit, untrustworthy, aggressive, use you as a bargaining chip in an unstable relationship...
I'm not generalising about all SPF, but sometimes having a baby with an arsehole and the fallout really isn't just about the mother. Sometimes the consequences for the child make me feel like screaming 'Why did you have a baby with him? Was that the best you thought you could do? ' Never say it, but I have thought it.

Proudnscaryvirginmary Sun 02-Dec-12 14:07:22

I was speaking to a mum at school on Friday. She's left twat of a husband. She said he'd been an arse for years and the kids had been negatively impacted. I diplomatically said 'What were things like when you were first together? Did you have a good relationship back then?' to avoid being so blunt/rude. But you can't stop people thinking what they think, OP.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 02-Dec-12 14:07:34

YANBU because that's a pretty stupid & insensitive thing to say to someone, out loud at any rate. However, I've often found myself wondering whether some people actually met each other before deciding to set up home together. confused Twattery may not show itself until late in the day but surely the low-level sock-dropping and grime-ignoring was apparent from the start...... ?

MissCellania Sun 02-Dec-12 14:08:02

High horses? Hardly. Some of us have the experience of being the child of the said knob.

Presumably you knew he was a twat before you got pregnant?

GhostShip Sun 02-Dec-12 14:08:51

To be honest it's a fair question, when women have multiple children with the same nobhead. Sometimes in the hope that 'itll change them' hmm

catgirl1976geesealaying Sun 02-Dec-12 14:09:05

I suppose if someone says

"I was with this guy for 4 years and he was lovely and the time was right and we decided to have a baby, then he turned out to be a twat" you would think "oh, I can see why you had a baby with him - what a shame he was a secret twat"

But if you are saying "I was with this guy for 4 years, he was a total twat the whole time, cheated, abusive, took drugs, stole from me and killed my kitten and we decided to have a baby" then people are going to wonder why you would do that.

Cozy9 Sun 02-Dec-12 14:09:08

If you have sex with someone without contraception, and you don't believe in abortion, then saying you didn't CHOOSE to have a baby with that person is nonsense really, isn't it?

AnneNonimous Sun 02-Dec-12 14:11:16

No Cellania as I have said upthread he was lovely until I had his baby. Why would you presume he was a knob beforehand?

FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda Sun 02-Dec-12 14:13:27

Q. Why did you have a baby with him then?

A. Young, naive hopes and dreams.

WhatsTheBuzz Sun 02-Dec-12 14:13:33

So, if a woman has a baby with a twat in the hope that 'it'll change him', she's not expecting him to always be a twat. Which probably means she's expecting him to step up and be a good partner/father. Which is probably why she chose to have a baby with him. And anyone who is nosy enough to actually question it (not think it, can't really help what you think) should fuck off and mind their own, quite frankly.

WhatsTheBuzz Sun 02-Dec-12 14:14:54

Or maybe, just maybe, a woman who shags a twat and gets pregnant is confident enough in her own ability to raise a baby.

Kalisi Sun 02-Dec-12 14:14:55

Yabu, it depends on the situation really. We should all be responsible for the choices we make in this life and although I probably wouldn't say it to someone myself, there are definately occasions where I have thought it. Alternatively, I don't think it about everyone who has a baby with a twat just some people.

GhostShip Sun 02-Dec-12 14:16:34

So, if a woman has a baby with a twat in the hope that 'it'll change him', she's not expecting him to always be a twat. Which probably means she's expecting him to step up and be a good partner/father

So she thinks having a baby will fix things. Since when has this been a good thing to do?

It's a means to an end, why bring a baby into a shitty relationship.

Not sure why you're defending it, unless youre someone who's done it.

Viviennemary Sun 02-Dec-12 14:16:49

When I think about a couple of my past boyfriends I think good grief I had a lucky escape. But somebody else didn't! Or maybe they had a lucky escape from me. grin But hindsight is a wonderful thing. It's easy to marry the wrong man.

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