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to question if I am a selfish b***h?

(152 Posts)
GnTwivslicenice Sun 02-Dec-12 12:24:58

I split up with my P four days ago. We have an 18 week old DS together. I finished the relationship for various reasons, mainly because he is quite immature and reliant. He is 31, doesn't own a house, I do. Rides about on a pushbike as he doesn't have a car, doesn't buy his own clothes, etc etc. I couldn't cope with his neediness now I am looking after my DS full time. He also had a nasty habit of calling me spiteful names, sometimes when I was holding my son. Nice!

I have been letting him come here to see his DS as he has moved into a house owned by his father that his brother rents - his brother lives a pretty wild lifestyle - gets drunk and takes cocaine regularly and has been in prison for fraud. The house is a bit of a tip.

He came here after his shift at work yesterday and he bathed DS and put him to bed. He then asked if we could talk. He asked if he could have DS tomorrow, fine I said. He then proceeded to lay on my sofa and start flicking through the channels on my telly, (I was watching Strictly Come Dancing so I wasn't best pleased!) I told him not to get too comfy, he wasn't going to worm his way in and end up staying the night.

He then asked if he could borrow MY car as he was too tired to bike home - he lives about 8 miles away - and he would bring it back the next day, that I wasn't likely to use the car as DS was in bed for the night. I said no, I put petrol in every week, tax, MOT and insure the the car and he puts nothing towards those costs. I said if he didn't want to bike home he should sacrifice a few luxuries like i do to have a car.

This did not go down well! He told me that I was being nasty, a selfish bitch and trying really hard to make things difficult for him, so forth and so forth, blah blah blah. I didn't think I was.

So just canvassing opinion really. Should i have let him use my car?

RubyGates Tue 04-Dec-12 07:45:36

You are indeed, well rid of him.
It's good that he wants to spend time with DS and he does sound like he's doing that right.

I'm still curious as to whether he would have been insured if you'd lent him the car, simply because if he knew he wasn't, why would he even have asked?

pinkyredrose Mon 03-Dec-12 20:57:14

OP you are so well rid. Your ex sounds like an immature idiot.

GnTwivslicenice Mon 03-Dec-12 20:14:09

allgoing really seems to be plugging his own agenda here. He obviously has issues that we don't know about. I think his attitude is a bit 'not another fucking lone parent." Perhaps I should have stayed with him, I mean clearly it is better for a child to grow up around parents that are in a dysfunctional relationship that they will grow up seeing as 'normal'. But what the hell, I went and put my own selfish needs first. My ex P is right: I AM such a selfish bitch!!!

The only thing that I wanted an opinion on was whether or not I was selfish for not loaning him the car and the majority of people were rational and reasonable in their opinions! I knew in my heart that I was right not to lend it to him but I have had 7 years of being blamed for everything and believed it. Now I have a DS I see things differently - that fog has started lifting and I am beginning to see things clearly.

Little update on his contact - Ex P saw DS all day Friday. Put him to bed on Saturday. Had him all day at his Mums yesterday. Is taking him to his swimming lesson that I would normally take him to tomorrow morning (which I am picking him up and taking him to). Having him all day Wednesday. Saturday he is picking him up and taking him to his mums, to have overnight and then all day Sunday.

Just a little something to get all foaming at the mouth and ready to waz over the keyboard: I recently discovered that ex P had ran up £45,000 (yes you did read that correctly) in gambling debts at my address, (he works in that industry and believe me I have seen people blow more in a shorter space of time!) He had done it to "cope with the stress!" I developed post natal anxiety after the birth of DS and this was very hard for him to cope with, poor love!!! Guess what he told the bank that the loans were for. Home improvements and a new fucking car!!! I said that I would be willing to forgive him for it if he agreed to go to couples counselling, he said couples counselling is stoopid!

EldritchCleavage Mon 03-Dec-12 14:56:38

Ex-P is not powerless here. There is no reason for anyone to suppose he is being oppressed by the OP.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 03-Dec-12 13:14:30

Anything else you want to throw into the mix to get the manhaters frothing and to help feel better about the whole sorry situation?

Persistent verbal abuse may be DV but most rational people can see the difference between that an a bit of angry name calling (which no doubt flew from both sides). If it were a big issue for the OP she'd have made more of it.

Either OP tells her story to suit herself (it being her thread and all) or she tells it like it is and we all jump in and elaborate.

Less of an AIBU? regarding the original point of contention, and more of a let's-read-this-to-suit-our-own-agendas.

ClairesTravellingCircus Mon 03-Dec-12 13:05:40

Verbal abuse aside, are people seriuosly suggesting that she should stay with him even if she doesn't want to anymore?

And would you accept to stay with someone that doesn't want have a relationship with you just for the children?

Can you not see such a setup is going to end badly, with lots of resentment and hard feelings and possibly hatred on both sides, and that any children will eventually suffer from it anyway?

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Mon 03-Dec-12 13:04:15

I think the suggestion is that it should have been listed first and then it would have been seen as genuine and because it was not listed first, it must therefore not be true.

I may be wrong, but that is the only interpretation I can think of.

I disagree with that, I don't think people necessarily rank things that way.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Mon 03-Dec-12 12:55:24

If it were a big issue for the OP she'd have made more of it.

And exactly how could she have made more of the verbal abuse? What are you suggesting she should have done, other than actually what she has done in ending the relationship? Do you expect more than simply ending a relationship with someone who verbally abuses you, amongst other things? Unless she's 'made more' of the verbal abuse, that isn't in itself enough to warrant the ending of a relationship?


nancerama Mon 03-Dec-12 12:45:21

All I know is raising a baby is bloody hard work, and I'm not sure I would have got this far without the support of my DH.

If OP is finding it easier without the baby's father, I think it's safe to assume he really was rather a waste of space.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 03-Dec-12 12:28:21

Lots of projection happening on this thread from one poster alone.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Mon 03-Dec-12 12:28:17

FFS. So the OP's ex here is powerless to make choices in his own life that will mean he has a decent relationship with his own child? Powerless to bite his tongue rather than verbally abuse the mother of his child? Powerless to phone a taxi rather than expect to use the OP's car - not the 'family car' - because he's too knackered to use a bike he chose to buy as his means of transport? A man in his 30s, with a good job/income, has no options of renting a home that would be suitable for him to have the child? He's powerless to do anything that means he has some control/input into the sort of parent he wants to be? It's all about the power and control the OP has, and this man, the baby's father, has absolutely no input at all in the choices/decisions/actions available to him, simply because the OP decided she no longer wished to be in a relationship with him?

<rolls eyes>

LtXmasEve Mon 03-Dec-12 12:25:38

which no doubt flew from both sides Unknown. You are reading things into the OP that aren't there.

Persistent verbal abuse may be DV IS DV, no may be about it.

shes decided hes not good enough, after bearing a child by him and? She is entitled to have a relationship with whoever she wants, as is he.

he gets no further choice in the matter other than to put up with her conditions of access to his DS Unknown. You are reading things into the OP that aren't there. What conditions of access? She hasn't stopped him seeing his child, she stopped him using her car.

Its a crying shame and will probably ruin a good man Good men don't abuse their partners in front of their children. Good men don't call their ex partners a 'selfish bitch'. Good men don't expect their ex partners to break the law and allow uninsured drivers to drive their cars.

allgoingtoshitnow Mon 03-Dec-12 12:16:42

I trust you are as strident in your views protecting mens assets when the roles are reversed and they are the family breadwinners Xmas.

Persistent verbal abuse may be DV but most rational people can see the difference between that an a bit of angry name calling (which no doubt flew from both sides). If it were a big issue for the OP she'd have made more of it.

The fact is, shes decided hes not good enough, after bearing a child by him, and he gets no further choice in the matter other than to put up with her conditions of access to his DS. Its a crying shame and will probably ruin a good man.

LtXmasEve Mon 03-Dec-12 11:57:27

Actually allgoing, if you knew anything about DV, you would know that many women do not actually think verbal abuse is DV - which it IS - So the OP is unlikely to have thought of it that way. DV is hardly pathetic... that one statement makes you sound rather pathetic yourself.

tryingtoleave, you keep saying "Child's home". That is a very emotional way to say it. Which of course is why you are using that terminology, rather than saying the OPs home - which it actually is.

The home, the bungalow, that the OP and her child are living in is the OP's home. It is not now, nor has it ever belonged to the OPs Ex Partner.

The OP is well within her rights to have anyone she wants in her home, and kick anyone out that she doesn't want there.

Same with her car. Same with her TV.

If her ex partner wants these things then he should go out and get them. Like we all should.

Shared care has not been dismissed by the OP, she does raise concerns about where the ex partner is currently living, but that has been resolved and the ex partner will be taking their child to his mothers home from now on.

It's not sad that she wouldn't lend her car to her ex partner. If he doesn't have a car himself he is unlikely to have car insurance, which would make it illegal for him to drive it, rather than sad.

EldritchCleavage Mon 03-Dec-12 11:56:18

The OP did point out that the ex-P is living at Party Central with his drink and drug-taking, convicted fraudster brother. So not much chance for shared care at the moment.

Since ex-P has a good job, it is in his power to sort himself out with a suitable place to live where the baby can stay with him. Until then, ex-P is seeing his child at his mother's.

OP also said there were reasons for the break-up too personal to go into here.

So whatever else people want to say about the OP, it doesn't sound as though she ended the relationship on a whim and it certainly doesn't sound as though she is putting obstacles in the way of the ex-P caring for his son.

ClairesTravellingCircus Mon 03-Dec-12 11:54:05

Same here, 25 years with tha same man and nope, have never been called a bitch by him (or selfish) smile

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Mon 03-Dec-12 11:52:07

If you are including me in that - I've been married 14 years and counting to a man who's never so much as raised his voice to me. Got no personal experience to project.

ClairesTravellingCircus Mon 03-Dec-12 11:51:03

tryingtoleave what if the baby was ill during the night?
He could have got a cab too.

She was within her rights to say no and to be called 'selfish bitch' for that just shows what type of man he is.

tryingtoleave Mon 03-Dec-12 11:49:25

I think there are a lot of posters projecting their personal experiences onto this thread.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Mon 03-Dec-12 11:47:46

We'll have to agree to disagree on that too then. I took it at face value. It's impossible for me to know if it's true or lies or if bits of it are true and bits made up, so I just accept what the OP says as being accurate until or unless there is something to prove otherwise. And calling someone spiteful names - as a habit - which I assume to mean regularly - is in my view reason enough to say I don't want to be with you.

tryingtoleave Mon 03-Dec-12 11:46:01

What have I said that suggested children are assets?

Kalisi Mon 03-Dec-12 11:46:01

Are you one of them allgoing because you appear to be projecting a personal situation on to this one and it doesn't quite seem to match what is going on here?

DixieD Mon 03-Dec-12 11:45:12

I never said neediness was abuse? Where on earth did you get that? I listed the traits that the OP found problematic to the relationship and had verbal abuse at the end of the sentence. the word abuse related just to the verbal abuse not the other parts.
Neediness is not an attactive quality in any person and grown ups whether male or female should pull their weight in a realtionship. OP found she couldnt cope with his dependence when also having a baby which implies to me that he was certainly not pulling his weight.

allgoingtoshitnow Mon 03-Dec-12 11:43:45

I left that bit out Hect, because its so pathetic an excuse that I'm sure the OP was embarrassed writing it. It certainly seems tacked on the end and not her primary reason for breaking the family up. If there was any hint of DV it would be number 1 on her list.

I suspect that had her ExP driven around in a Porsche, and invited her to come live with him in his 4 bedroom place, then they would still be together,

tryingtoleave Mon 03-Dec-12 11:43:12

I think op was selfish about the car. It will take her ex more than four days to get set up with a new life that will make it easier for him to see his dc.

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