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to question if I am a selfish b***h?

(152 Posts)
GnTwivslicenice Sun 02-Dec-12 12:24:58

I split up with my P four days ago. We have an 18 week old DS together. I finished the relationship for various reasons, mainly because he is quite immature and reliant. He is 31, doesn't own a house, I do. Rides about on a pushbike as he doesn't have a car, doesn't buy his own clothes, etc etc. I couldn't cope with his neediness now I am looking after my DS full time. He also had a nasty habit of calling me spiteful names, sometimes when I was holding my son. Nice!

I have been letting him come here to see his DS as he has moved into a house owned by his father that his brother rents - his brother lives a pretty wild lifestyle - gets drunk and takes cocaine regularly and has been in prison for fraud. The house is a bit of a tip.

He came here after his shift at work yesterday and he bathed DS and put him to bed. He then asked if we could talk. He asked if he could have DS tomorrow, fine I said. He then proceeded to lay on my sofa and start flicking through the channels on my telly, (I was watching Strictly Come Dancing so I wasn't best pleased!) I told him not to get too comfy, he wasn't going to worm his way in and end up staying the night.

He then asked if he could borrow MY car as he was too tired to bike home - he lives about 8 miles away - and he would bring it back the next day, that I wasn't likely to use the car as DS was in bed for the night. I said no, I put petrol in every week, tax, MOT and insure the the car and he puts nothing towards those costs. I said if he didn't want to bike home he should sacrifice a few luxuries like i do to have a car.

This did not go down well! He told me that I was being nasty, a selfish bitch and trying really hard to make things difficult for him, so forth and so forth, blah blah blah. I didn't think I was.

So just canvassing opinion really. Should i have let him use my car?

SugaricePlumFairy Sun 02-Dec-12 13:05:43

I got twitchy when i got to he lay on my sofa and started to flick through the channels.

Well done OP for being strong and firm! wink

Not selfish at all.

FutureNannyOgg Sun 02-Dec-12 13:07:11

Flogging - I expect she may have liked him once. Or maybe she didn't, who knows, but it's a bit late to worry about that now hmm

YANBU OP, its your house, your car, and seeing his child, in appropriate surroundings is his responsibility. Sounds like he needs to pull himself together and picking up the slack for him won't help.

GnTwivslicenice Sun 02-Dec-12 13:29:36

Thanks all for the feedback so far. I kind of thought that I wasn't BU, I think he was just trying to convince I was.

Now the more important question - should I have hung him up by his balls for switching over the T.V when I was watching Strictly!!!!!

Whocansay Sun 02-Dec-12 13:40:28

My I offer congratulations for get rid of an utter twat. wine
Good for you.
And of course, YANBU. I'm amazed you had to ask.

fedupofnamechanging Sun 02-Dec-12 13:49:01

Agree that it is lovely to read an OP where a woman isn't allowing herself to be screwed over by some lazy over entitled dick head of a man.

Calling you spiteful names means that he has no right to any kind of caring or consideration from you.

DontmindifIdo Sun 02-Dec-12 13:56:03

You need to keep pointing out he doesn't live there now, how he gets to and from your house to visit DS is his problem, and once he's finished with your DS, he leaves straight away, he doesn't have a relationship with you anymore. If you didn't have a DS together, you'd probably never see him again, you don't need to be putting up with him messing about changing your TV channel.

ll31 Sun 02-Dec-12 14:11:16

yanbu and congrats as other posters say. you are lucky tho to be in strong financial position, makes it relatively easy to be strong. congrats on baby-enjoy!!

JaquelineHyOnChristmasSpirit Sun 02-Dec-12 14:20:08

You did the right thing he has no right to borrow anything of yours especially not your car.

However, I really don't like your comments about how he is in his 30's and doesn't own his own house, or his own car. So fucking what, plenty of peole don't! Oh you do, well bully for you.

Stick to your guns and don't let him try to bully or manipulate you but whether he owns property or not has nothing to do with it.

allgoingtoshitnow Sun 02-Dec-12 14:39:37


Your reasons for dumping him are weak at best, and when he cycles 8 miles to bath and bed his DS, something he has to do because you finished with him, you get all tight about loaning him the car this one time rather than have to cycle 8 miles back home in the cold dark.

Did you end up needing the car overnight? No of course you didnt.

I imagine he doesnt have a car because until 4 days ago, he was in a family that already had one and he could cycle to work.

I also don't understand how be is a deadbeat who doesn't buy his own clothes, yet comes around 'after his shift' to look after his child. He is working and earning then?

waltermittymistletoe Sun 02-Dec-12 14:51:44

Allgoing your post makes you look like a twat.

There's always one <sigh>

JaquelineHyOnChristmasSpirit Sun 02-Dec-12 14:55:10

walter unfortunately your silly name calling invalidates any point your were trying to make about allgoing's post.

It's never only one <sigh>

squeakytoy Sun 02-Dec-12 14:57:27

you werent being unreasonable to not loan him the car, but your reasons for ending the relationship sound rather questionable.. and I am sure there must be more to it than what you have posted.

was he living with you? was he working and contributing, and was he a decent partner and father even if he didnt own a house or a car (most families share a house and car when they are together)..

Whocansay Sun 02-Dec-12 14:59:44

Allgoing - how on earth do you know what her reasons for dumping him are? Whatever they are, weak or not, she is entitled to get rid if she doesn't want to be with him.

Why on earth would she lend him her car? I wouldn't lend my car to anyone. His travel arrangements are NOT her responsibility.

He comes round to look after his child. Should he not? Is the child only the OP's responsibility? It's his child too. He is NOT doing the OP a favour, he's looking after his child. One can only assume he would want to as a caring father.

I find your post very strange Allgoing. Unless of course, you are the exp in question.

waltermittymistletoe Sun 02-Dec-12 14:59:51

I very specifically didn't call names as that breaks talk guidelines but thanks for your valuable input.

I think someone who comes onto a thread posted by a new mum who has had to break up with her child's partner and berates her for not allowing him to slouch on her sofa and take her car, sounds like a twat.

waltermittymistletoe Sun 02-Dec-12 15:01:55

He is NOT doing the OP a favour, he's looking after his child

Exactly. So he doesn't deserve to be 'rewarded' by having her car.

If he wants a car he should get one.

OP doesn't have to have a 'strong' (hmm) reason for not giving him her car, anymore than she has to have a 'strong' reason for breaking up with him.

JaquelineHyOnChristmasSpirit Sun 02-Dec-12 15:07:36

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

HildaOgden Sun 02-Dec-12 15:16:24

Not selfish at all,I think it was very reasonable of you to allow him to have his access visit at your home,especially so soon after the split.

The ex could have forked out the few quid a taxi costs if his first mode of transport (bike) was no longer acceptable to him.

He's just using it as an excuse for a row....far easier for him to claim you're unreasonable for not letting him have your car than to actually face the real reasons for the split.

I'd work out a parenting plan with him as soon as possible,that does not include you having to deal with him any more than is necessary.I have a feeling you have many more of these kind of squabbles ahead of you if you don't set your boundaries clearly now.

waltermittymistletoe Sun 02-Dec-12 15:16:41

Yeah I'm thrilled thanks lol!

What exactly is your problem?

I explained why I posted what I did. I explained that I think having a go at a newly single mum to a new baby is twatish IMO.

And you think I look like a cunt because...?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 02-Dec-12 15:23:03

Whatever the reasons for splitting up with her ex I think OP was nbu to not let him borrow her car to drive back to his brother's house. Maybe she feared it would be the thin end of the wedge?

Money wise is he contributing to their son's care? Bathing his DS and putting him to bed was helpful it doesn't mean she has to loan her car.

He didn't necessarily ride his bike 8 miles from work to get to her place - even if he did 8 miles would take 40-50 minutes, faster if he's a Mark Cavendish type sprinter?

JaquelineHyOnChristmasSpirit Sun 02-Dec-12 15:33:36

The OP should never lend her car to her ex and made the correct decision.

Allgoing's post was ridiculous and you were completely right to pull him/her up on it. However, the way you did it originally (by name calling) just made you look as silly as they did.

To then claim calling someone a twat wasn't name calling was even sillier hence why I then said you looked like a cunt (not because I think you looked like a cunt but because I was trying to make you realise how ridiculous it was)

I have no problem with you, just the way you originally expressed yourself.

I think we both understand each other now and so should just leave it alone (along with all the cunts and the twats) grin

CuriousMama Sun 02-Dec-12 15:39:03

If you had any doubts about getting rid he's certainly making sure you see how right you were.

He's very entitled isn't he? Knob.

lovebunny Sun 02-Dec-12 15:40:08

o p, you were 100% reasonable. exes do seem to think they can act like live-in partners. they need to be disabused.

ScrambledSmegs Sun 02-Dec-12 15:41:26

Actually what walter said isn't classed as a personal attack by MN, so she's technically correct on the not calling a rude name thing. Justine set out what is deletable and what isn't earlier this year. You are a... - personal attack. What you said makes you sound like... - not an attack.

Of course that doesn't mean you can't object wink.

waltermittymistletoe Sun 02-Dec-12 15:49:44

As smeg said it's NOT a personal attack!

Don't blame me, blame MNHQ, or, as Smeg says Justine! wink

Anyway agreed. Let's leave all the twats and cunts at the door! grin

JaquelineHyOnChristmasSpirit Sun 02-Dec-12 15:53:23

Lovely, I shall remember to insert 'like a' before every insult I throw grin

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