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To think that this was not such an u thing to ask?

(18 Posts)
sparklyjumper Sat 01-Dec-12 18:20:19

Boyfriend was going to visit and stay the night with elderly grandparents tonight with his dm, df and dsis. Grandparents live 2 hour drive away so dp decided to drive in his own car as his parents left early this morning and he didn't want to spend whole day there.

In the 4 years I've been with boyfriend I've only met gp's once but last time they invited ds and I over and we loosely agreed we'd go up and incorprate it into a trip somewhere nearby.

Anyway about a couple of hours before dp was about to leave, over lunch I suggested we could all go and get a hotel as he was discussing sleeping arrangements being bad there and how he and his dsis usually end up sleeping on floor. He wasn't remotely interested in us coming and came up with a range of excuses that it's too short notice, he isn't wasting money on a hotel, ds will get bored, I won't like it the house smells of old people. He's only going out of courtesy and doesn't even want to be there and it will be too much hassle.

He reluctantly agreed to look at a travelodge and it was £30, then he started saying there must be something wrong with it as it's so cheap, then he said it was too far away, it was 2 miles away from gp's. Then he said I must think he going off with another woman and I'm testing him (I never said that at all). In the end he said oh well you better pack a bag now then as I'm leaving in 10 minutes. I said to forget it as it was clear he didn't want us there.

He got in a big strop and said we were parting on bad terms and how he'd just wanted to go and get back and now he wasn't even looking forward to coming back. Then he threw a strop on his way out of the door because he'd forgot his phone and it was my fault for making a fuss (it was in his back pocket), and now he's texting me saying he's forgot his clean jumper, it's my fault again and they're going out for a meal and he doesn't have one.

Kind of upset me even more as the fact that they're going for a meal would have made it even more realistic for us to go.

LindyHemming Sat 01-Dec-12 18:31:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chocoluvva Sat 01-Dec-12 18:35:18

Does he enjoy spending time away from you but not want to say to avoid offending you?
Sorry if this is hopelessly wrong.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sat 01-Dec-12 18:36:10

Did/do you get on well with his family usually?

Is there any chance he is sorting out things for Christmas and didn't want you to ruin the surprise?

It does seem odd - but it also seems that he made it much too obvious that he didn't want you there to be concealing anything.

sparklyjumper Sat 01-Dec-12 18:39:49

I honestly do not know the answer to either.

I I asked him why he didn't want me there he'd say it's not that it's all of the above.

We do get lots of time apart and yes we both like our space but I just don't know if that's it. Again if I asked him he'd say no it's all of the above.

Whoknowswhocares Sat 01-Dec-12 18:42:28

Actually I do think you we're unreasonable. Changing arrangements 2 hours before he was due to go and turning up uninvited would be pretty rude IMO. Perhaps he felt too embarrassed to do so?

That said, Yanbu to find out if there is a reluctance generally. But your timing was seriously off. Why did you only broach the subject at lunchtime if it was important to you?

sparklyjumper Sat 01-Dec-12 18:43:16

caja get on really well with his family, unless they secretly hate me but I doubt it.

He isn't forward at all with involving his life with me and his life with his family. And only really makes the effort if, usually his mother, forces it. I don't know why that is because we all get along great and couldn't really be any nicer to eachother.

And he's definitely not sorting out Christmas things because he got my present yesterday with me.

sparklyjumper Sat 01-Dec-12 18:46:20

Actually I do think you we're unreasonable. Changing arrangements 2 hours before he was due to go and turning up uninvited would be pretty rude IMO. Perhaps he felt too embarrassed to do so?

Fair point, and you could be right. He did actually say if I wanted to go why didn't I mention it earlier. I honestly just hadn't thought about it, he was going, I was going to enjoy the house to myself. It was only when he was talking about the sleeping arrangements that the idea popped into my head, I quite like being a bit spontaneous, ansd I'm absolutely sure that his parents and gp's wouldn't have minded. Although I do think that he might have found that difficult to do.

bradywasmyfavouriteking Sat 01-Dec-12 18:47:24

YABU. Because of how short notice you tried to change his families plans.
He may have felt rude turning up and telling his GPs he wasn't staying and that he had brought his gf and dc without decent warning.

The weekend was planned. I wouldn't have wanted to change plans at last minute, especially as there were others to consider. Especially taking kids as that change the whole weekend dynamic.

If I were going away with my mum, dad and dbro it would relaxing and doing adult stuff. Completely different to taking the kids.

Also i am planner and I hate changing plans at the last minute.

What you need to find out is if he would have been so reluctant if you suggested this a few days/weeks ago or when he planned it.

Pozzled Sat 01-Dec-12 18:51:22

I'm with whoknows on this, I think it would have been really strange to invite yourself along at the last minute. It was a family thing, you've only met the GPS once and you wanted to change the arrangements by going to a hotel. Fine to suggest it, but I think you were wrong to push when it was clear he wasn't keen.

LaCiccolina Sat 01-Dec-12 18:54:42

I'm suss about the drama queening tho ..., something smells off there...

BackforGood Sat 01-Dec-12 18:55:05

I agree with whoKnows. You can't really invite yourself to elderly grandparents at that short notice. (I'm reading into your post that it's more than just you - dcs presumably?) If you wanted to go, then why not discuss it some days ago?

sparklyjumper Sat 01-Dec-12 18:56:24

Yes maybe I'm just being a bit silly/only thinking of myself, I wasn't looking at it that way. Because last time his dgps's suggested we all come over I felt able to suggest it.

I wish he was a bit more proactive in making things happen, he did say we can all go in a couple of weeks and incorporate it into the daytrip we had said but it won't happen.

Find him a bit childish at times, ages ago he said how he doesn't see them enough and I suggested we could go over just for the afternoon but he wasn't interested, said he doesn't know what to say to them as they're old and he'd rather go with his dm and df so that they can do the talking. Drives me mad.

sparklyjumper Sat 01-Dec-12 19:01:00

I'm with whoknows on this, I think it would have been really strange to invite yourself along at the last minute. It was a family thing, you've only met the GPS once and you wanted to change the arrangements by going to a hotel. Fine to suggest it, but I think you were wrong to push when it was clear he wasn't keen.

Just in reply to that, what it was, he was on the phone to his dad over lunch asking if they'd arrived and asking if he had anywhere to sleep as basically his parents have the spare room and he and dsis usually sleep on a blow up bed on the floor in the lounge. His dad said that it might be best if he stayed over the road with his great aunt but noone knew at that point if there was any room there either so it all sounded a bit chaotic, that's why the idea popped up about the hotel. It was also the fact that dp was leaving later in his own car and heading back first thing, his words he just wanted to 'show his face'.

Pozzled Sat 01-Dec-12 19:47:07

Fair enough, that makes it sound a lot more reasonable to suggest the hotel. From what you've posted it sounds as though this is a more general issue about him not involving you in his family as much as you would like. In which case I would try and have a proper talk with him at a more neutral time.

bradywasmyfavouriteking Sat 01-Dec-12 20:02:17

My response to that would be 'have you thought about a cheap hotel instead?'

I don't see why you and the hotel go hand in hand.

BillyBollyBallum Sat 01-Dec-12 20:05:44

I totally see where you were coming from, but he sounds like he doesn't really want to go, wasn't looking forward to it, you suggest coming, he gets more stressed.

You then snap at each other a bit.

So, no one's fault but I would prob have reacted like your dp. I like to plan. And he would rather have spent the time with you anyway, and maybe felt he was upsetting you and didn't even want to go!

No one is bu smile

sparklyjumper Sat 01-Dec-12 20:21:24

Hm, feel a bit silly now think I've got an apology to make.

The issue is that I'd like him to be more proactive in involving us all together, I know his family are really keen to as they've said enough times. His answer to this is he's just a bloke and doesn't think, not that he's doing it on purpose, I say that's a lame excuse and he's more willing when his mum pushes the issue.

I guess I thought this was an 'opportunity' to kill two birds and visit plus solve the sleeping issue and my timing was bad.

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