To ask for witty retorts

[Dogsmom]

I'm 26 wks pregnant and seem to be official public property, I'm getting to the stage of telling people to just fuck off but don't really want to lose friends or customers (self employed)

So I thought I'd ask fellow MN'ers for some witty responses to a couple of situations that keep cropping up.

1- Random bump touching/stroking without asking, final straw was at the weekend when SiL got on her knees in a room full of people at a family do with a hand either side of my bump fat and was talking loudly to the baby.

2- 'Was it planned/an accident' (I'm 37, married and been ttc for 3 years)

3- Childbirth is no worse than earache/toothache.

[SuzySheepSmellsNice]

Cup the harrasser's boobs and if they object, tell them that you thought unwelcome groping was okay now?

[dawntigga]

Every time anyone (who didn't fracking ask first) stroked my bump I'd look at them and say:

'Do I look like Bhudda? No, and if you stroke my stomach without asking again you won't be getting good luck!'

BloodyHatedThatTiggaxx

[SuzySheepSmellsNice]

(re: 3 Gas & Air is good stuff, use it!!!) [bwink]

[Mu1berries]

to the was it planned one, i got that from a woman my own age. she was engaged to mr wonderful and I wasn't. the was it planned one annoyed me so much because i knew she'd pass on whatever i said. so i said happily with a massive smile "well i'm 3X so what do you think!!?". she didn't know what to make of thati don't think.

[OpheliasWeepingWillow]

1. slap hands away! With outraged expression
   
2. 'just one night and a shit load of tequila!' (took me ten years and I hate prying!)
   
3. 'how nice' Big Grin. Look away.
   
   But I am very rude IRL I'm afraid.

[Kirk1]

3- Childbirth is no worse than earache/toothache

Seriously? how can anyone believe that?

"How many children have you had?" "How would you like to shit a melon?" "People take painkillers for proper toothache/earache too" "How about having a root canal without anaesthetic?"

[Cortana]

Friends and family should be able to judge that you're uncomfortable.

Perhaps a jokey "Please stop rubbing my uterus", I know it's not technically your uterus but perhaps the shock factor of such a medical word will make them think twice about what they're doing.

If a stranger does it slap their hand away. I did this and felt no remorse, it's our body, not theirs and like you say, we are not public property. Who goes up touching random people? Ask first ffs!

Childbirth - this is your practice for "helpful" advice from everyone who ever once looked at a child and cannot wait to impart their "wisdom" onto you. Smile and nod, smile and nod.

Was it planned/an accident? Perhaps the old MN chestnut "Did you mean to be so rude?".

for your 3 years TTC, I hope other than these inconsiderate people you're enjoying every minute that can be enjoyed and the bits that can't be aren't too rough.

[HeathRobinson]

You need one of these t-shirts

[bradywasmyfavouriteking]

This is how i dealt with it.

1. someone touched my bump. i touched their stomach and when they look shocked i would say 'oh i am sorry, i thought we were stretching social boundries.
   

1. Was it planned? I would say 'Of course not, don't be daft'.
   

I was never asked if he was an accident but I would have said 'yes, i fell over onto dh and woke up with this bump this morning'.

1. Childbirth response was 'have you done it?' if the answer is no, they got no opinion. I would just keep saying 'no opinion' and interrupt their sentences.
   

If their answer is 'yes they have' then I would probably listen to what they have to say. For exmaple I thought the TENS machine was a stupid idea, I used it on a recommendation from someone who said this sort of thing, I thought it was great.

[EldritchCleavage]

1. I have a fearsome scowl and I used it whenever anyone looked as though s/he might be considering touching the bump. No one ever had the guts to follow through. Except my mother, but that's different.
   
   
2. I was asked this, by one arsehole colleague, in a room full of other colleagues, when I announced my second pregnancy. I said 'Why on earth would you want to know that?' and everyone else started to say 'Yeah, weird, what difference does it make to you?'
   
   
3. Well, we'll see. There is just no point engaging on this one. A woman can have completely different experiences each time she gives birth, so what happens to one woman in any given labour is not an indication of what might happen to her next time, let alone to another woman. If anyone really persists though, you could politely remind them that one can only be an expert on one's own labours, not other peoples'. And it's not a competition, actually.

[Fakebook]

When they touch your bump/fat, go:
"Ooh that prod is all I needed, I'm about to fart, thanks!" Then make your Farty thinking face.

When they ask if it was an accident/planned say:
"You do realise you're asking me to talk about my sex life, and that is between my husband and me."

Can't really give you advice about childbirth. It bloody hurt the second time around, earache/toothache my arse. Actually no, tell them:
"I assume it will be, if I have an epidural."

[Stropzilla]

I have to admit, I was feeling very fat, stroppy and tired. A man I didn't know in Tesco made a bee-line for my tummy, hand out going "Oooh, you're pregnant are you!??" I gave him my worst scowl, and growled "No, it's a tumor". He stopped short, and walked away. Not my finest moment I admit but I'd had enough and don't regret it for a second.

[FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda]

When they touch your bump, let out a small shriek of pain, recoil a bit, look at them with an expression of hurt bewilderment and ask 'what did you do that for?'. Bet they won't do it again.

[DontmindifIdo]

If they ask if it's an accident, say "well, I've known for a long time that sex leads to babies..."


re the touching you, I would go for random grabbing back for family and say "see, it's really weird to have people randomly touch you, isn't it?"

[Viviennemary]

Oh what a silly fuss about nothing. Enjoy being pregnant and stop whining. And count your blessings. Sorry I'm not in a good mood today.

[MurderOfGoths]

Oh I love some of these!!

[bradywasmyfavouriteking]

Vivien

Women don't have to accept being asked rude questions and touched inappropriately because they are pregnant.

Sorry you are in a bad mood, but honestly why should it be ok to touch a pg woman when people don't do it to non pregnant women or to men?

[bradywasmyfavouriteking]

Inappropriate stranger says 'was it an accident?'

You say 'yes it was, National Accident Helpline are dealing with it on a no win no fee basis'

[BillyBollyBallum]

1. Don't fucking touch me! (ashamed to say I did say this when being groped by a "friend" who surprised me)
   
   
2. It was rather, did you know you can get pregnant if you were shagging on all fours?
   
   
3. So I've heard. Is it true you shit yourself when pushing?

[BettyCash]

1-3: Spontaneous tears. Lol!

[katieelh]

I think it helps to bear in mind that people arnt trying to annoy you when they do these things, they are just trying to engage you during a time in your life when something wonderful is happening to you. As with so many other minor irritating situations in life you just smile and carry on as before, there is no need to be rude to them.

[openerofjars]

"Was it an accident or planned" has so many great answers!

"Total accident: I just fell onto a penis and, well, imagine my surprise."

"Planned down to the millisecond" followed by a good leer.

"Actually, this angel appeared with what he called tidings of great joy, so yeah, total shock, really" (seasonal)

"Oh, a massive accident/planned to the nth degree: utterly feckless/über Monica, me"

"Well, DH thinks it was an accident, but I've been sticking pins through condoms for months" followed by a huge conspiratorial wink.

[Cortana]

Sorry you're not having a good day Viviennemary but to be fair if the OP was facing rudeness on a daily basis due to anything other than pregnancy would she then be worthy of a bit of sympathy or allowed a whinge?

Loving the retorts to "Was is an accident or planned"! Wish I had known these at the time.

[spatchcock]

You say 'yes it was, National Accident Helpline are dealing with it on a no win no fee basis'

That is great!

The funniest response I've heard to the unwanted touching was on here, I think. A poster was accosted outside of a supermarket by a woman who started touching her bump. Pregnant Poster closed her eyes and started emitting a rhythmic tribal chant. The stranger was startled and asked what was going on. Pregnant Poster came out of her trance said that the chant was to help her unborn baby assimilate the stranger's soul. Freaked out stranger made a break for freedom.

The poster told the story much better than me. Still makes me chuckle when I think about it.