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To think this advice to a mum regarding seperation anxiety is sad?

(100 Posts)
MightTinge Thu 29-Nov-12 20:49:14

A mum on fb pulling her hair out because her 10 month on DC is getting major seperation anxiety, its not her first but its been the hardest child so far - she's said.

So she asks for advice via status on faceache.

I explained why they theorises babies had seperation anxiety around that age and suggested a comfy sling until it passes.

All her friends have answered "Its hard hunny but dnt giv in, she'll soo learn she dosnt get piked up if she crys."

And the age old 'rod for your back hun, ignore it.'

Its a fucking baby, suffering anxiety sad

I hope she doesnt listen to them.

lovebunny Fri 30-Nov-12 00:20:44

i made a rod for my own back, thirty years ago. that's what they told me in the hospital. 'making a rod for your own back, a few weeks you'll be back in here and she'll be taken off you'. that's because i wanted to breastfeed, co-sleep and look after my baby myself. and because i signed myself out on day three instead of staying a week.

tonight, that 'rod' and her baby picked me up from work, took me back to theirs, provided me with supper and while baby slept, 'rod' and i looked at christmas decorations and untangled necklaces, and she dressed up in her party dress to see what i had to say about it. length of visit - around nine hours. it was like a holiday. i had a wonderful time.

anyone thinking of making one of those rods for their own back should go right ahead.

mummyonvalium Fri 30-Nov-12 00:28:51

YANBU OP but only up to a point. There are times when it is good to ignore babies and that is when you have been playing with them all day and they are still determined to be the focus of your life. Personally, I am not sure if all the attention I gave to my DS1 did him any good. He is unable to entertain himself for any period of time without causing mischief and he is now 3 1/2. DS2 is much better at entertaining himself and he is only 2. Not ignored for a long time but clearly the fact that I was so busy had an effect on him.

MightTinge Fri 30-Nov-12 06:54:14

Who diagnosed them?

Its a stage not an illness. hmm

peeohayess Fri 30-Nov-12 06:55:15

There's a difference between crying because he's upset, crying because he's mad, crying because he can... And sometimes I find he needs to cuddle and other times he needs to be left. Sod the rod. Know your child.

RosannaBanana Fri 30-Nov-12 07:14:00

Lovely post lovebunny smile

RosannaBanana Fri 30-Nov-12 07:14:50

Oh, and YANBU op!

Morloth Fri 30-Nov-12 07:20:35

I never really understood the advice to leave them to cry etc to 'cure' seperation anxiety. Seemed counterintuitive. If you are afraid someone will leave you and you cry and then they leave you, well then you are right to be afraid aren't you?

When my DS's went through this phase I kept them as close as I could as much as I could. Obviously sometimes I needed a shower, sometimes I needed to be doing other stuff and they had to wait, but for the most part I carried them and cuddled them as much as possible.

My two learned that sometimes life had to happen and it was just tough luck, but mostly Mum or Dad would be there ASAP to look after them.

Like lovebunny my first 'rod' is a delight now (not as long, he is only 8) and DS2 is just as independant and as outgoing as his big bro.

ThatDudeSanta Fri 30-Nov-12 07:23:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bradywasmyfavouriteking Fri 30-Nov-12 07:30:49

In my opinion yabu.

she posted on Facebook for parenting advice. She opened herself up to everyone she knows (probably most of them she only knows vaguely) and asked for their opinion.

I refused to CIO, but its a valid choice and all evidence is conflicting on where it is damaging or not. Lots of midwives and health visitors recommend it as well as lots not recommending it.

I am extremely happy that I haven't cio with either of mine. But if you ask an open forum for opinions, you will get them. And cio is very popular.

Morloth Fri 30-Nov-12 07:32:46

If you ask for advice you are going to get the whole gamut from 'never put them down ever' to 'just ignore them always' and everything in between.

Morloth Fri 30-Nov-12 07:33:31

I found the best way to get 'good' advice was to pick someone whose kids you liked and do whatever they suggested.

It always seems to be the people with the feral brats who like to offer unsolicited advice.

AnnieLobeseder Fri 30-Nov-12 07:37:15

Those of you who are saying that other things need doing while baby is crying - caring for other children, housework etc etc. Yes indeed, you are right. That is why slings were invented.

CailinDana Fri 30-Nov-12 07:50:08

I am utterly baffled by mums who have partners yet still end up getting no sleep for months on end. WTAF are their useless partners doing?? If the baby is a tough one, cries a lot, and doesn't sleep then BOTH parents need to step up and do their part - the mother just can't do it all on her own. My DS was a horrendous sleeper but I never felt completely exhausted because DH shared every single night with me. Yes, he had to work but I also had to function and I needed sleep so he just had to make do with slightly less sleep than normal, something all adults are capable of managing. Leaving a child to cry because the oh so important man of the house has to have 8 hours sleep (as opposed to 5/6) is ridiculous IMO. Ok if your partner is a brain surgeon or an airline pilot things might be a bit different but if he works in an office then there is no way on earth he should be sleeping all night while his partner gets completely strung out on zero sleep. And it certainly shouldn't be used as an excuse to leave the baby cry.

There is a difference between a crying baby and a crying toddler - I do think you have to be a bit more careful about when you give in to a toddler. And there is a difference between leaving a child to cry for 3 minutes so you can run to the toilet and leaving a child to cry themselves to sleep over an indefinite amount of time. Bedmonster what you described is not CIO - it's just normal life with a baby. I'm not saying a mum should sit on the couch all day not doing anything else except making sure the baby doesn't cry. I'm saying a parent shouldn't put a child in their own room and just listen to them sob themselves to sleep. There is a difference.

welliesandpyjamas Fri 30-Nov-12 07:57:41

babybythesea that midwife's theory sums up perfectly how I feel about the whole leaving to cry issue. As a clueless first timer I left my ds1 to cry but with my ds2 I always went to him, never leaving him to get distressed. The difference in their confidence is blatant, and I do put it down to how I handled their crying as babies.

akaemmafrost Fri 30-Nov-12 07:57:41

That's such a nice post lovebunny.

ThatDudeSanta Fri 30-Nov-12 08:10:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana Fri 30-Nov-12 08:17:00

Nor could my DH, but he fed DS a bottle instead. Even if the child refuses bottles, it's possible for the man to take, say an early-waking baby, from 5-7 so the mother can get two hours sleep before the baby needs to be fed again. Or if the baby doesn't settle till late in the evening he can look after it while the mother goes to sleep and then hand the baby over for the first feed.

A friend of mine's DD is 2 and her 'D'H has never ever got up with her once. She stopped bfing a year ago. And my friend is permanently exhausted. That is just a crazy situation IMO.

Calindana - my dh is very hands on. Result - we're both fucking exhausted.

CailinDana Fri 30-Nov-12 08:19:10

Cakes - I'm not sure what your point is? Would you be less exhausted if your DH wasn't hands on?

diddl Fri 30-Nov-12 08:20:36

But is there not some "happy medium" between a sling & leaving to cry??

EasilyBored Fri 30-Nov-12 08:24:54

I think it really all depends on why they are crying. I wouldn't leave a tiny newborn baby to cry, but if my 11 month old is upset because he wants me to sit on the floor with him (after me doing just that all morning) and I need to cook dinner... I will let him stand at the stair gate to the kitchen and have a whine/cry while I chat to him. I also don't answer his every cry at might - usually he'll stop after a minute or two, with no help. There is a balance between responding to your baby's needs, and letting them try and entertain themselves or sort themselves out a bit.

Saying that, DS is a Beth chilled out, non clingy baby, so a lot of it is probably just down to each baby's personality.

ThatDudeSanta Fri 30-Nov-12 08:25:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana Fri 30-Nov-12 08:28:01

Was that aimed at me Dude? Are you answering for Cakes?

ThatDudeSanta Fri 30-Nov-12 08:30:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana Fri 30-Nov-12 08:32:06

Sorry I still don't get it Dude, what's the "yes" in reference to?

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