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to ditch my closest friend?

(18 Posts)
NOThypocondriac Thu 29-Nov-12 08:53:48

*Not actually ditch but not be so close to....

I have what I thought was a very close friend, we've known each other for 8 years, ran a business together a few years ago, I'm godmother to her dd, been on family holidays together, I stuck by her through an affair she had that she's still not told her DH about (really not as judgey as that sounds, just a lot of her friends were horrible to her about it and I did anything I could to help her through that). Since having her dd though she's become very distant and I'm finding it really hurtful. I completely understand that having kids changes things, you don't have as much time etc etc but I've got two dc of my own, it's not a case of 'oh the non-mum doesn't understand' and it seems to be only me she doesn't have time for.

We used to do a lot together (not like joined at the hip but now and then meet for lunch, see a film, take dc's to the park etc), phone/text each other, invite each other to significant events etc - as you'd expect friends to do. Then gradually it's wound down to purely FB messages and not even those all that frequently - if I phone or text she mostly doesn't even bother getting back to me until the next time she sees me or FB messages me, when she remembers I left a message. And her dd's christening was the last family event I was invited to, a year and a half ago. She's missed two of my birthdays, cancelling at the last minute for fairly minor reasons then promising to 'do something later' which never materialised while I've always made an effort for hers - but for the last one she told me she 'didn't have time to go out for dinner' and I only found out later she'd actually gone out with other friends and all I got was a quick bite on her lunch break so I could give her her present.

She always seems to have plenty of time for new friends though - going out for birthdays of people she met a month or two before, inviting whole baby groups to her dd's birthday, leaving her dd with people she's known less than 6 months when I keep offering to babysit whenever she needs (she's never once taken me up on it). It's hard to explain sensibly without sounding whiny but there's so many examples where it looks as though she's desperately chasing new friends (some of whom haven't seemed the least bit interested in maintaining the friendship) while completely blanking me half the time. The latest was that I'd organised a pub quiz night for charity and she'd volunteered to help on the night then cancelled the day before just to take her dd and dh to a star watch thing in a local town, leaving me with monster stress trying to find a last minute volunteer which I'm still fuming about.

I know I probably sound really spoilt but it's very hurtful - I know logically I probably need to either talk to her about it or distance myself but I feel very awkward talking to her now we seem so distant, but I don't want to give up on the friendship either. I need to let it go though don't I?

FivesAndNorks Thu 29-Nov-12 08:59:04

It does sound like she's moving on. Not convinced you need to actually do anything, just leave the ball in her court and see what happens.

HilaryClinton Thu 29-Nov-12 08:59:26

Maybe her husband knows about the affair now, and since you condoned it you have to be ditched too?

NOThypocondriac Thu 29-Nov-12 09:02:36

Thanks Fives, have been trying to do that but it's as if she wants distance one week then the next (to be cynical maybe if she's bored) wants to talk about how we're so close.

Hilary - could understand that but am very sure he doesn't know, because she mentions now and then that she's still worried he might one day find out.

cheekybaubles Thu 29-Nov-12 09:04:52

It sounds tough on you but I think this friendship has outlived its purpose for her. You sound like a good friend, wish mine would offer to babysit.
The next friend will appreciate you more

ImperialStateKnickers Thu 29-Nov-12 09:05:51

Yanbu. She's flaked out on you too often now. You are not a toy to be put back in the box and got out to be played with only when she feels like it.

LaCiccolina Thu 29-Nov-12 09:07:48

Er.... Sorry but she's moved on already. U doing anything now won't b noticed? She's already not contacting u. As u haven't said anything before she's probably thinking either phew got away with that or well we are both happy like this.

I suspect latter. Things change. I'm really sorry. Busy yourself with others.

mayihaveaboxofchoculaits Thu 29-Nov-12 09:07:56

Sorry, but she was your closest friend, just not anymore.
Don't spend time thinking about this, and move on. I do know thats hard, you sound like a "friends for life " sort of person, very loyal, and obviously kind and motivated towards other people.
You said that you either have to talk or distance yourself. But it sounds like you are going to have to chase her to talk to her, she doesn't reply to your messages,spend much time with you (last time was nearly two years ago).

You deserve better, just let it go.

Concentrate on other activities/people, and chalk it up to experience, think about what you are doing, now. Good luck

tallwivglasses Thu 29-Nov-12 09:24:40

Hmm. Is she attempting to social climb? Your comment on her trying to be pally with people who weren't bothered made me wonder...

Or it could be to do with the affair - not that she thinks you'd grass her up, more that she associates you with a time she'd rather forget.

In other words, you've done nothing wrong! I'd be inclined to give her a piece of my mind, see if she apologises but dump her either way, but then I don't think I'm as lovely as you grin

rrf Thu 29-Nov-12 09:29:38

I have recently had a very similar situation, it stressed me out for about six months. My friend could make it to the opening of an envelope, but was always far too busy to see me, or, even worse, was when she would fit me in for two hours. Came to a close when I realised there was just no changing the fact that she didn't particularly care for my feelings, regardless of the best friend speech she would sometimes dish out to me. As a result, I just don't rely on her for companionship, and now we no longer contact each other. It is sad, but it would be even worse if I was still trying to make a 'best' friendship out of two hours every three months or so, especially as I felt she resented giving me the time.
I think cooling the relationship sounds your best option. I have made new friends, and feeling a little less shit about myself as I don't have to beg my new friends for any of their time.
I have cooled it with a good heart though, she is a wonderful person, the friendship had clearly run its course for her.

HairyGrotter Thu 29-Nov-12 09:34:45

I'd move on, she clearly has but hasn't the decency to tell you. Crack on with other mates, and your life, leave this friendship alone.

hygienequeen Thu 29-Nov-12 10:08:17

Yep it feels like shit when the friendship is one sided, take my advice and move on. You will feel much better about yourself and your relationship with your ' closest friend ' because you're giving yourself a chance to spend time with lovely people who like your company instead of chasing someone who clearly can't be arsed anymore. I did this and am much happier. You sound lovely, find some mates that deserve your loyalty x

firefliesinjune Thu 29-Nov-12 11:05:51

Very sad this is happening. I had a similar thing recently. I decided to move on from my "friend" as she had moved on from me. It hurt but you should direct your energies to those who truly care and make the effort back.

TessOfTheBaublevilles Thu 29-Nov-12 11:13:49

Just to echo what others have said, she is moving on, so time for you to move on.

It does hurt. I know. It happened to me about four years ago.

Then completely out of the blue, earlier this year, she started contacting me again. Turns out that the friends she had "moved on" with, had since moved on from her. I was polite but I made it clear that rebuilding the friendship wasn't on the table.

minouminou Thu 29-Nov-12 11:20:13

The cheeky cow, Tess!
You don't need to do anything, OP. The ship has sailed, I'm afraid.

Cherylkerl Thu 29-Nov-12 11:21:20

I have a friend like this (without the affair bit) - ditto never has time to see me but plenty of time to see her new friends who are her husband's wives friends, all the while reserving the right to get eggy with me that we never see each other - she bails often usually because her husband makes last minute plans so she's at home with the kids (although not sure if this is fabrication). I've decided to let this friendship drift, which is sad but actually a good thing for me. To be honest, it's not been too hard to drift - she's always been so flaky and it's never been a two way relationship.

With your friend, i'm inclined to think she maybe is distant from you for the fact that you know about her affair - she's clearly burying her head in the sand about that. She wants to move on and maybe you're beign sacrificed to allow that to happen, which is deeply unfair.

Save your precious time and friendship for people that value it. I came to the conclusion with my friend that it was only history that was keeping the friendship going - that's just not enough.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 29-Nov-12 11:26:54

I had a "frenemie" like that for a few years, she practically stalked me to become friends. When her kids moved school from primary to secondary nearer where she lived I was surplus to requirements I guess.

buggerama Thu 29-Nov-12 12:30:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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