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to think that my friend shouldn't just let her 1yr old scream in public

(109 Posts)
fexedmamma Wed 28-Nov-12 16:45:57

he's always been a loud baby. He screams a lot (although only in public). It's not screams of anger or upset. It's more like screaming for screaming's sake. My friend just sits there whilst everyone around whinces in pain (it's an ear-piercing pitch). This happens is resturaunts and libraries. I find it very stressful and unpleasant. Worse still, my kids (who aren't screamers) start to copy.

goodiegoodieyumyum Wed 28-Nov-12 17:42:37

My ds is very loud, screaming not so much but he makes lots of happy loud noises, we were in church on Saturday night and there was nothing I could do to stop him, how do you stop a baby making very, very loud happy noises as loud or louder than a scream YABU.

ThalianotFailure Wed 28-Nov-12 17:42:40

sorry, but if you're somewhere like a library or restaurant and your child (of any age) starts to scream, and can't quickly be stopped, by distraction or whatever, then you have to remove them. It's not fair for others (especially in libraries, where people are working or studying) to have to listen to this. It's just one of those things that we as parents have to do, it's hopefully not forever. If you're friend just sits and smiles you might have to point that out to her. I'm certainly not saying that children should be seen and not heard etc etc, but they do have to learn how to behave in certain situations - don't they?

GrimAndHumourlessAndEven Wed 28-Nov-12 17:42:53

I am of the school of thought that ignores unwanted behaviour and not to give it attention BUT I would be loath to inflict on the public, so cafe lunches/leisurely library visits etc would be shelved in favour of the supermarket sweep/winter picnic brrrr/post books in the return box at the library til the phase had mostly passed

ThalianotFailure Wed 28-Nov-12 17:43:26

you can't necessarily stop them, but equally you as the parent have to be aware of those around you and if they can't be stopped, you leave.

SneakyNuts Wed 28-Nov-12 17:46:56

Great, now I will feel even more embarrassed when DD starts screaming when we're out in public.

The tutting, shaking heads and just general nastiness really doesn't help matters by the way.

Theala Wed 28-Nov-12 17:55:11

Removing your screaming child from the vicinity would be a good help though.

takataka Wed 28-Nov-12 17:56:27

i dont actually believe for 1 second that anyone would let their child scream loudly for any protracted amount of time, without doing something to pacify or leave. I believe OP is exaggerating shock

bondigidum Wed 28-Nov-12 18:03:13

Would you rather she stayed indoors 24.7 until her child outgrows it? Its a phase, many toddlers go through it much like biting or hitting. They scream to test the limits and to see how loud they can go (often they find it funny too). Tbh not much can be done, you can tell them off but they'll still do it. Its something you have to wait it out. Or buy ear plugs.

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 28-Nov-12 18:04:49

Evening all
Just here to scatter some peace and love

TrustMeImANinja Wed 28-Nov-12 18:04:50

My 18 month old went through a screaming stage between 14-16 months. He was a baby, he found his voice and squealing was fun. My eldest did the same, its just a phase, saying 'no firmly' does exactly diddly squat.

My youngest particularly like to do it round tesco, I could have distracted him with some food but that'd probably be the title of another thread.

They soon stop, its just a phase. A common one.

I used to smile and carry on too.

SneakyNuts Wed 28-Nov-12 18:11:37

What vicinity did I mention? I said "out in public".

I agree it's not pleasant to hear a screaming baby whilst in a restaurant. But the types of people that seem to think it's as easy as reasoning with them are the same people who tut when I'm queueing at the GP surgery for example.

The same happened when she was ill and visibly distressed in hospital, I couldn't really remove her from that vicinity, could I?

Solola Wed 28-Nov-12 18:15:39

I'm going to reserve judgement on whether YABU until we find out whether baby is closer to 1 or nearly 2. If baby just turned 1, then ignoring may well be best idea. If closer to 2, I think this is old enough to understand that this behaviour is not ok. IMO

ThalianotFailure Wed 28-Nov-12 18:37:53

nobody is saying they have to stay indoors at all, what a ridiculous thing to say. But it might be that certain, non-essential situations should be avoided for a while, or be ready to leave should the need arise.

I'm finding it slightly astonishing that this needs to be explained, to be honest.

TrustMeImANinja Wed 28-Nov-12 18:39:01

True Solola.

AThingInYourLife Wed 28-Nov-12 18:44:58

The reason 1 year olds are so cute is to make up for their many shortcomings, not least amongst which is their complete refusal to give a shit about embarrassing the shit out of their parents by doing anti-social things.

thisonehasalittlecar Wed 28-Nov-12 18:47:00

<clicks on thread to see if it's about dd>

<child in op is boy. Phew!>


vj32 Wed 28-Nov-12 20:22:41

DS is going through a shouty phase, he is 18months. Actually its a 'Why are you making me sit in this trolley when I want to be walking and pulling nice things off the shelves?' phase as it is almost invariably in the supermarket. So if I try and make him stay in the trolley, screaming and shouting. He tries to climb out which is dangerous. Bribery works in the form of food. The only form of other distraction that works is random old women talking to him. There really should be some sort of hire an amiable granny service.

At the weekend I tried letting him walk round the supermarket. He was never far from me, didn't run and only once got in anyone's way (attracted by milk!), but again, the evils were amazing.

Anyway, I have had an amazing amount of horrible looks. I have also had 2 people make sympathetic comments in the 4 or 5 months since DS discovered he could undo any sort of restraint. I would have been one of those people who was shocked at putting a child in the main bit of the trolley or giving them food while going round the supermarket, but when you have been through it you know. If you don't, then maybe its just hard to understand. I think people should be more sympathetic of each other because you just don't know.

ihearsounds Wed 28-Nov-12 20:40:13

Why should parents of screamer avoid certain public situations? Yes it might be annoying, but there are loads of things that adult diners do that is annoying to others, but unfortunately we cannot ban them.
What about older screamers, should they also be shunned from resturants and libraries?

ThalianotFailure Wed 28-Nov-12 20:54:25

maybe those adults who behave badly in restaurants or wherever were never taught to take others into consideration, have you thought of that? And yes, absolutely older screamers should be removed from certain situations. I don't know what age you are talking about but DD is nearly 3 and if she started shrieking at the top of her voice in a restaurant or library, even if in jollity, if she didn't quieten down I would leave and make it perfectly clear to her why we were doing so and that I wasn't happy. She has to learn and it's my job (and DH's of course) to teach her. Plenty of time in the playground, soft play, at home for that, she's hardly being repressed.

I stopped taking DD to the supermarket for the big shop when she started being painful, and went in the evening, or (once she'd started at 2) when she was at nursery. She's alright for a small shop when she can sit in the main bit of the trolley and help but there wouldn't be room for her and the shopping for a main shop. These days, with extended opening hours and online shopping, it's hardly necessary, is it?

LynetteScavo Wed 28-Nov-12 20:58:20

OP, if it bothers you so much, why don't you distract the baby to stop him screaming? Your friend may then copy your approach.

umiaisha Wed 28-Nov-12 21:06:24

Dead69girl - I could have written your post!!

DS is an extremely loud screamy toddler and I it has got to the stage where I get quite anxious when eating out and generally being out in public. I have been told to ignore it so am trying to persevere with that..

LiegeAndLief Wed 28-Nov-12 21:07:13

Erm, at the risk of going against the grain, there is a big difference between "staying in 24/7" and taking a screaming 1yo to a restaurant. We didn't take ds to a restaurant for about 2 years because he was such a nightmare, made loads of noise, wanted to run around all over the place and then refuse to eat. Distracting etc didn't work very well and it was so much hard work it wasn't worth it.

We still went out loads - to the park, soft play, toddler groups, supermarket, shops, pre-school, occasional brief trips to library, possible McDonalds or similar. But I don't think prolonged screaming should be inflicted on restaurants.

And yes, screamers of any age should be shunned from restaurants. Amd libraries for periods over 10-15min.

<ducks and runs>

Cbh1978 Wed 28-Nov-12 21:25:48

We tend to grow out of it. Restaurants and libraries are particularly exciting screaming places. Take them to a cathedral. They are just epic for the old developing vocals.

RabbitsMakeGOLDBaubles Wed 28-Nov-12 21:26:10

Are we specifically talking restaurants here? Or just in public?

I have a daughter with behavioural problems, so over the years I've been in some might difficult situations with regards to behaviour and some of that was in public.

One of the things I have realised is that they are pretty smart and often don't distinguish between positive and negative attention. So completely ignoring and not reacting, followed by minimal excitement distraction, would be the best approach in my opinion.

If every time I squealed people jumped and looked at me/spoke to me/started to jovially "distract" me by talking to me and pointing something out, I'd probably be quite liking the fact that little old me can have such a big effect on the world, and continue.

If my baby started squealing mid-meal, initially I would apologise to other diners about the phase, and say best thing is ignoring it (if I said anything), and of course if it proved to be lengthy, I would remove child from the situation, maybe go change a nappy and have a short break to try and change the tone, and return to the table. If it turned out to be a spectacular case of squealing, then I might that day admit defeat and leave the very interesting restaurant and go home and do something very bland and boring, like put baby down for a nap.

My aim would be to make the squealing as unappealing as possible, without getting into a head to head with telling off (negative attention), or distracting them (positive attention), trying to continue what I am doing because they can't learn at home what not to do in public, and if I do leave, to make it non-rewarding, so they don't think that they can use it as a way to get away from places and go do something they find more interesting.

ihearsounds Wed 28-Nov-12 21:36:13

Not all screaming can be dealt with. Some epileptics scream during seizures. Apart from the scream, to outsiders there is nothing else going on, just parent/carer watching whilst the person screams and body goes rigid... Just something to think about next time you (general) judge about the parent doing nothing with the screamer.

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