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to be furious with my DM for screwing up my perfect future?

(170 Posts)
ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 12:15:18

It was all very simple....she and my DF were going to move to the seaside and live in a beach hut...the grandchildren would go visit and learn to build sandcastles....

Instead my DM is dying and has been given a low chance of making it through another year.

How can my DM possibly teach my DD to knit/sew/cook and a million other things she was supposed to do if she doesn't make it to my DD second birthday?

How can she have screwed up the very simple task of staying alive till at least 100?

On a scale of 1 to massively U, how U is it that anger is forming a significant part of my reaction to this news?

Please come tell me this is normalish or shout some fecking compassion into me or something...anything.

ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 12:56:40

downton yes I am worried there is a line to tread between recording everything and actually enjoying everything. Like when people have a wedding where they spend all the time having photos done and none of the time enjoying themselves with their friends (not sure if this is making sense).

I want us all to have a fab xmas, AND I don't want there to be too much pressure on it being perfect AND I want to record it all so that DD will be able to know her DGM....

Also is it goullish to suggest a big family photo shoot? gah.

It turns out that I am not very emotionally intelligent and frankly rubbish at predicting other peoples reactions to things...including my own.

hygienequeen Wed 28-Nov-12 12:58:31

thanks xxxxx

CalamityJones Wed 28-Nov-12 13:01:43

Take lots of photos - I wish I had so many more of my mum and my baby daughter, I really cherish the ones I have.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Wed 28-Nov-12 13:02:57

That's awful xxx thinking of you and your family xx

Not sure if someone suggested this already but why don't you ask her to make videos on how to knit, sew etc.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Wed 28-Nov-12 13:09:47

I'm sorry to hear your news OP, my mum died very suddenly just over a week ago. I'm 23 and have a 2 year old ds. My mum was only 57.

My mum spent a long time (like over 15 years) in a very bad place emotionally. In the last six months or so she was actually getting better. She wanted to live. She wanted to see ds grow up. She was a fantastic gm to him, it is breaking my heart that he won't know her.

I have no one left to "look after" me. I am officially the oldest person (on my side) of the family. It's shit and completely unfair.

Startail Wed 28-Nov-12 13:09:52

I'm angry that DMIL died when DD1 was two and all that DD2 got was a her pretty name.

I'm furious that she never met DSILS beautiful DCs!

I think we are all angry when we have to say goodbye to people we love before we are ready. I think we are angrier still when they aren't ready either.

YANBU to be angry, hugs and strength

Yes get a family shoot. I dont have nearly enough photos of my mum with my DS and then when I really wanted some she was so ill and looked dreadful. Bless her, I don't want to remember her like that and no way would she have agreed anyway.

If your mum is well enough just talk loads, get family history, ask her silly things like her favourite song etc etc......cherish the time you have especially whilst she is feeling well x

AFingerofFudge Wed 28-Nov-12 13:13:43

It is a completely and utterly shit thing to happen and am so sorry you have to face this!

My mum died on Christmas Day 1985 when I was 15 and I am still furious!!!
I've just taken up knitting and am crap at it. She was an amazing knitter and I need her here to show me what to do

So in a nutshell...YANBU

prettybird Wed 28-Nov-12 13:15:54

I forgot about being angry at the sight of tall, elegant 70+ year olds. That's what my mum should have been like. I find myself resenting the fact that they're alive and she's not. sad

Dh and I still talk often at "new" things (like when ds was competing at our new velodrome) about how much my mum would've loved it.

You learn to accept that such talk is normal and is honouring her memory.

In the mean time - you have the time to talk to your mum. thanksthanks to both you and your mum.

Pretty - I do the same. If I see an old lady with white hair I feel all bitter and think to myself how unfair it is that they are alive and she didnt make it.

Northernlurker Wed 28-Nov-12 13:17:52

This is a very moving thread. We only needed another 16 months for my grandfather to have met dd1. He would have found her so amusing and wonderful.

spiderlight Wed 28-Nov-12 13:18:04

So sorry sad

DowntonTrout Wed 28-Nov-12 13:19:33

You know, dad didn't want any photos taking of him when he was dying. Thank fully I had plenty from before.

It may be difficult to ask your mum to do things like writing cards or recording things for the future. I know I wouldn't have felt right asking.

Your world will become smaller over the next few months, as will your DMs. In the end with dad, his world was just my house. Anything that went on outside those 4 walls was insignificant. His pleasure was a bowl of fresh strawberries or an ice lolly. It is those things I remember the most.

And towards the end I actually wished he would die, just not wake up. Of course now I'd give anything for a few more minutes with him, but then, in the middle of it all I just wanted it to be over.

There will be huge conflicts in your feelings. So many of us on here have been through this. keep posting because it really helps to know that people understand.

ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 13:20:44

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and support - it has massively helped getting my head in the right place for facing the rest of the work day.

I am loving some of the ideas put forward and will be chasing them up over the xmas break.


Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 28-Nov-12 13:23:37

Oh OP I'm so sorry for you all, and yes anger is a perfectly natural response.

I am sad and angry every day that my lovely Grandma didn't get to come to my wedding, she died 6 months before. I would so have loved her to be there, and to meet my lovely DSs - she would just adore them both.

You are not selfish, your hopes and dreams need to undergo a huge shift and you weren't prepared for that. None of us are.

Keep talking on here, you will soon realise that you will find the right words in RL. x

WilsonFrickett Wed 28-Nov-12 13:26:24

<strokes hair>

The thing is my love, when you are teaching your DD to do a million things (including especially when you're telling her what not to do), you'll hear your mother's voice in you. She has spent her life teaching you to be a mother and that will never be lost.

Hopefully one day that will comfort you, but for now, rant away. She is BU! [hugs]

parsnipcake Wed 28-Nov-12 13:27:11

It's normal, and totally ok. YouTube can teach the knitting and stuff - it makes me feel so close to my gran and mum when I see my daughter crochet like they did.

ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 13:28:06

Right, work is calling but I will read everything when I get home - please don't feel your comments aren't being appreciated!

herethereandeverywhere Wed 28-Nov-12 13:28:37

I understand that it's a completely normal reaction and I'm so sorry for you and your family sad

But your mum and you sound so lovely. Please spend this last precious year revelling in that loveliness and soaking it up like a sponge. Fill the time creating all those special memories, record her stories, get some knitting and baking tutorials.

My mum is still of this earth but is a chain smoking alcoholic. I'd love to have a proper conversation (that she remembered) or trust her to be alone with my DDs but it's never going to happen.

You're rightfully devastated and bloody angry. But please clear a little space for the joy that your mum obviously brings to you and your family and make every precious moment count because you're so fortunate to have her now.

drjohnsonscat Wed 28-Nov-12 13:29:59

oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I can completely understand. Your post also made me count my blessings. You are right - you should be able to expect your parents to be around to watch your family grow. I would be angry with her too - I would also be angry with everyone who isn't facing what you are facing (eg, me). All fair. Very fair. All that can be said is that at least you know, absolutely viscerally, what she means to you and perhaps when the anger has subsided a little, you can share with her what she is to you. I'm sure she knows anyway but it's good to say it again.

Flimflammery Wed 28-Nov-12 13:32:37

ICBNIG: yes, be furious, it's not fair. My mother died two years ago this month, and I sometimes feel really angry with my dad for being the one to still be alive (he's older and in worse health, no-one expected her to die first - and I was closer to her). Imagine how guilty that makes me feel.

minouminou Wed 28-Nov-12 13:33:57

Absolutely not unreasonable, OP.
It's quite healthy in fact.

DP's brother died 13 years ago now, and I occasionally get angry because he died years before the DC arrived. He'd have been a great uncle.
DS is six now, and he talks about him a bit, and as he gets older I'm sure we'll go more in depth about him.

It feels like you're suddenly up against a really annoying (that's the only word I can think of) brick wall that really pushes your nose back, and you feel quite spited by life.

PessaryPam Wed 28-Nov-12 13:35:44

So sorry ICBINEG. Had the same with my DM. It's totally and utterly unfair.

DowntonTrout Wed 28-Nov-12 13:35:56

Oh yes, the GUILT flimflammery.

That is the hardest and most unreasonable feeling of all!

Proudnscary Wed 28-Nov-12 13:36:41

I'm really, really sorry ICBNIG x

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