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to be furious with my DM for screwing up my perfect future?

(170 Posts)
ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 12:15:18

It was all very simple....she and my DF were going to move to the seaside and live in a beach hut...the grandchildren would go visit and learn to build sandcastles....

Instead my DM is dying and has been given a low chance of making it through another year.

How can my DM possibly teach my DD to knit/sew/cook and a million other things she was supposed to do if she doesn't make it to my DD second birthday?

How can she have screwed up the very simple task of staying alive till at least 100?

On a scale of 1 to massively U, how U is it that anger is forming a significant part of my reaction to this news?

Please come tell me this is normalish or shout some fecking compassion into me or something...anything.

Totally normal sad

so sad for you.

ginmakesitallok Wed 28-Nov-12 12:17:44


Of course you're angry, I would be too. How bloody unfair.

DD1s great granny died when she was only 6 weeks old - the two of them would have gotten on so well.

squeakytoy Wed 28-Nov-12 12:19:00

Anger is perfectly understandable. sad

ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 12:20:01

Its just so fucking shit. I hate that it is both so normal to be in this position and also so fucking awful.

It makes me feel like a useless tit for taking it so hard...all of this is currently being turned into rage....but that is one of the phases right?

guanosoup Wed 28-Nov-12 12:20:27

Anger is an incrredibly normal reaction to news like that. I was so cross with my dad when I realised he was dying, too...
Look after yourself and allow yourself to process these thoughts, you won't always be so cross with her xxx

jen127 Wed 28-Nov-12 12:20:45

I Have to say YNBU. My own DM died at 52, 17 years ago and never met any of her 2 Dg's. I am so angry that she has missed out and that I missed out! What about all that babysitting she was supposed to do for me ....
This is so hard and your reaction is very normal. I asked my MIL ( 84) to write a letter for DS's 18th , he is now 10. As my just in case.
Sorry I don't think I am much help , I am sending a big non MN [hug].
Enjoy every day you have because even though you think you will know, you actually never know the day. xx

DudeIAmSoFuckingRock Wed 28-Nov-12 12:21:13


yes totally normal and understandable. so sorry for you and your family.


Fakebook Wed 28-Nov-12 12:21:58


My Mum died when I was in my teens. So did my DH's Mum. I was just saying to him the other day that dying is the most selfish act a person undertakes, and the sad part is, that it's completely out of our control.

I still get angry with my Mum, and it's been nearly 13 years now. Completely normal to feel like this.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful Wed 28-Nov-12 12:22:13

I'd be furious too. So sorry sad

plutocrap Wed 28-Nov-12 12:22:26

You're angry for HER future, too. It sounds a lovely plan for everyone, in fact, so how could it be selfish?

It sounds as though her last year, and yours with her, will be full of love, though.


DudeIAmSoFuckingRock Wed 28-Nov-12 12:23:24

could your mum record a lovely video message for when your DD is older?

ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 12:23:29

thanks for the support and that's a great idea about letters!

Tell me I am going to stop being selfish soon though...I mean at some point I need to start caring that a wonderful woman is actually dying and how frightening and terrible that must be...and for my DF too!

If I rage for a few days and then get a grip I won't be too terrible a daughter will I?

Convict224 Wed 28-Nov-12 12:23:44

When I was 50, we booked a holiday as my gift. I was really excited about it, then we were told my Mum was dieing and I had to cancel all plans to be with her. I was so angry and sad about my big birthday and holiday plans being ruined.
Now, I would give all I had just to have her one more day. Even an hour.

wewereherefirst Wed 28-Nov-12 12:23:46

Anger is totally normal at the moment, take things minute by minute and release the anger. A non MN. [Hug] to you.

KenLeeeeeee Wed 28-Nov-12 12:24:26

Totally normal reaction. I'm so sorry sad

crunchernumber Wed 28-Nov-12 12:24:56

My parents were fucking shit.

Dad died when I was 22 - completely failed to live long enough to walk me down the aisle.

By the time I did walk down the aisle, Mum had terminal cancer and died 3 months later.

Rubbish grandparents to GC they never met. I have much older siblings with kids that got the full 5 star 'It's A Wonderful Life' gold service from them.

I am FURIOUS about it. Even now.

I wish I could make it better. The only thing I can say is that, as your DD gets older you will hear yourself telling her off talking to her and realise your mother taught you a great deal indeed.

deXavia Wed 28-Nov-12 12:26:11

My Pop (grandad) died when I was 22 even to this day 20 years on I'm bloody furious with him. He'd have loved my kids and built them tree houses, ever car I have ever had would have been so great to share with him and I'd love to just curl up and watch tv with him

I am so so sorry for you and your lovely girl sad

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Wed 28-Nov-12 12:26:38

sad Sorry.

Can your DF still move to the seaside, and teach your dc to row a boat, fish and throw flat pebbles to make them bounce?

I am afraid you will have to teach your dd those things yourself, and think there is a whole lot of things your dad will enjoy teaching your dd. Especially when wife/grandma is not around.

It sucks.

My mum is alive, but has dementia and lives in a home. She does not remember that she has grandchildren, and that is very upsetting for my dc (10 and 7) who remembers a loving and caring grandma from just a few years back.

And yes, I think anger is a natural feeling.

Dinosaurhunter Wed 28-Nov-12 12:26:54

You just cope anyway you can . My mum died in July age 49 all I feel is complete utter sadness, perhaps unhealthly I just worry about my other siblings and grandparents .

ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 12:27:15

Oh god it is an almost painful relief to have spoken about how I feel and to not have a big pile of abuse back. I didn't dare talk to people in real life yet.

thanks lovely MN people.

videos is also a good plan. Will very gratefully receive all ideas about how to get the most from remaining time.

I am struck by the fact that it is doubly selfish as so many people don't get this kind of warning and never get to say the things they wish they could...

DowntonTrout Wed 28-Nov-12 12:28:08

I am so sorry.

We had six weeks with my Dad.

The only advice I can give is make some memories. Talk, talk, talk, listen to her stories. Write a diary so you can remember it all.

And afterwards keep talking with each other. We can laugh now about dad going up on his stairlift singing Arrividerci Roma and about the night I thought I'd killed him by giving him too much morphine. talking and laughing helps, just a bit.

HullyEastergully Wed 28-Nov-12 12:28:10

<hugs, pats, rocks and soothes>

blackeyedsusan Wed 28-Nov-12 12:29:34

it is just not fair,... ddad died less than 4 months ago now dm is struggling mentally... and it is not fair... I am aging because they only had me and I need sibling to help sort it out... of couse I ealise I could have a totally useless sibling who would make it hader to bear... but... aaaaaaagggggggggghhh

sorry about you mum. it is a difficult time.

Tiredmumno1 Wed 28-Nov-12 12:30:23

So sorry for you and your family sad

Your reaction is totally understandable

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