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To question whether you can really love someone after a couple of dates?!

(61 Posts)
Fondantfancy99 Mon 26-Nov-12 13:15:04

Friend has just met a new guy online dating. Very happy for her but also slightly concerned - they have already exchanged I love yous (after about 5 dates) and she has introduced him to her entire family including aunties and uncles! I've witnessed some fast-moving relationships in the past (including me and DP who moved in together after a few months) but this is a new extreme!

I personally think it takes a while longer to really love someone. AIBU?

Fondantfancy99 Mon 26-Nov-12 13:16:13

For what it's worth, she is 28 and the guy is 30 I believe

HoratiaWinwood Mon 26-Nov-12 13:25:02

I loved DH before our first date, while we were still arranging it and hadn't ever had a conversation in real life together (matchmade by mutual friends).

Dahlen Mon 26-Nov-12 13:25:34

Actually, she's right. wink Research has not pretty conclusively proven that the physiological factors involved in lust/love (and the two are interchangeable in the very early days) happen very quickly and very early on in a relationship. It's just that most of us have the sense and experience to allow our rational selves to catch up a bit before we commit to saying I love you.

However, it's possible to really love someone passionately and fall out of love with them just as quickly. That's because the attachment element of falling in love is what tends to be crucial to long-term success, and if you don't have similar goals/values/likes etc., it can undo the hormonal element that preceded it. If you're defining love as long-term and functional, then it's much less likely that she's really in love.

YA both correct in a way.

Dahlen Mon 26-Nov-12 13:26:24

rogue not in first sentence there. Ignore it please as it contradicts everything I then go on to say. angry grin

Onebadbackandalostpelvicfloor Mon 26-Nov-12 13:26:33

3 dates and I knew my man was for me

dinkybinky Mon 26-Nov-12 13:29:19

We both knew on out first date we were meant to be together, engaged after 3 months and married on our 1 year anniversary. We are still together 20 years later.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 26-Nov-12 13:29:22

YANBU... it's just her knickers talking....

Dahlen Mon 26-Nov-12 13:32:48

Love is such a strange and personal thing you can only talk in the most general terms. There are patterns of behaviour repeated the world over, but you can't predict on an individual basis because people are unique.

Unless you have concerns because her new partner shows some controlling or secretive tendencies, all you can do is back off. It's possible to let yourself fall head over heels and pronounce it to the world and yet still protect yourself from exploitation or abuse.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Mon 26-Nov-12 13:33:30

Not really. Most of the time, people who are 'in love' after a couple of dates are either immature, desperate or abusive (it's very common for abusers to bombard their victim with love'n'romance in the early stages.)

Fondantfancy99 Mon 26-Nov-12 13:33:53

I knew DP was the one very early on, and I definitely felt very strongly about him. But I waited until I really knew him before saying I love you.

Also concerned friend has put all the details of their new relationship and loads of photos and written I love you all over Facebook and Twitter, obviously excited I know but might you not regret that later?

DontmindifIdo Mon 26-Nov-12 13:33:53

I knew I loved DH within a few conversations, but I wasn't needy enough to say "I love you" until we'd been together for a few months and he'd said it first. (considering I'd shagged him within a couple of hours of meeting him, I had to play hard to get a little bit...)

Fondantfancy99 Mon 26-Nov-12 14:02:16

But is it love or infatuation / obsession?
Is it real love?

StaceeJaxx Mon 26-Nov-12 14:21:58

I fell in love with DH after about a week (he said I love you first though wink), and moved in with him after a month. But, I was only 16, so it was totally acceptable to a "lovestruck teenager". And there was no Facebook or Twitter to embarrass myself on back then either. <geriatric smiley> Been together 18 years though. smile

digerd Mon 26-Nov-12 14:26:48

Only time will tell.

When I was 16, I fell madly in love with a boy I met on holiday. My younger sister scoffed at us gazing into each other's eyes all the time.
Every Friday, he rode on his motorcycle 260 miles to visit me and rode back again on Sunday. After 3 months I went off him and he made me feel sick.

However, when I was 31, I fell in love at first sight with my future DH also on holiday abroad, and 22 years later still in love.

FestiveDigestive Mon 26-Nov-12 14:36:20

I think it depends on the kind of person you are. In the two most serious relationships I've had (one being DH who I've been with for 10 years) we both knew, and said it, within the first fortnight and the relationships were very seriously straight away.

In fact, if I was dating someone for 4/6 weeks & wasn't getting that feeling of being "in love" I would always end it as I'd know that it wasn't going to be a long term relationship & it didn't seem fair to lead them into thinking it might get serious.

With DH, we were on date 2 when I thought to myself "This is the man I going to marry and have children with" blush and we talked about our future together from the beginning. Although, my parents met & moved in together after 2 weeks, married after 6 months and are still together now, maybe it's in my genes!!

I also feel a bit suspicious of relationships where the couple don't talk about their feelings early on, but obviously other people are different & move at a pace that feels sensible for then. I hope it works out for your friend, it sounds like she's having a lovely time smile

ClippedPhoenix Mon 26-Nov-12 14:47:16

I think its infatuation that either stays or dwindles, I don't thinks its "love" as to me love is something that grows between two individuals or dies. The only instant love that naturally occurs most of the time is for your child/children.

CailinDana Mon 26-Nov-12 14:51:06

I knew I loved my DH after about a week, we said it to each other after two weeks. Together now 11 years. I think it's possible to fall in love very quickly but it's not always real. Still, it's her life so leave her at it and be there for if things go wrong.

Icelollycraving Mon 26-Nov-12 15:09:40

Does it matter?! I have always liked fairly full on relationships but they burn out equally quickly. When you are in that fizzy euphoric state anything goes. It's the fall out when you realise they were a complete idiot that you have to back track.
One of my friends is in this kind of fresh relationship where he called her his GF on first date & tell each other they love each other. Her relationships frequently burn out,for now though she's having fun.

PhilipLarkinwasright Mon 26-Nov-12 15:21:28

DH and I were friends in a big gang of mates before we got together. One night, we just clicked and from that moment I knew I wanted to spend my life with him. On our 2nd date he told me he loved me and I said it back on the 3rd date. 29 years later I wish we'd moved in together that first night and I still adore him. When it's right, it's just right.

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii Mon 26-Nov-12 15:24:33

She is being a bit silly, because although it might be love, it could easily be infatuation at this stage.

Bit late for fb regrets now though!

MoomieAndFreddie Mon 26-Nov-12 15:28:29

hmmm its a difficult one

me and DH were friends for a while (but didn't know eachother THAT well really) before we had our first date

and i can still remember the exact moment i fell in love with him....we were stood at the bar and we were talking and he smiled at me and i literally fell in love with him on the spot blush could have been lust though tbh...

and he says he fell in love with me before we even started dating, he claims it was before he had even met me in the flesh (he saw me on myspace blush )

but we didn't actually say the I love you words till about 2 months in i think?

showtunesgirl Mon 26-Nov-12 15:32:11

YABU, love CAN happen that fast, it happened to me!

Six days after being together DH said he loved me. Fast forward and it's now been 13 years and we also have DD who has just turned one. smile

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 26-Nov-12 15:35:19

I think "in love" and "love" are two different things. You can have both, after a while, but you can't really "love" anyone who isn't your own flesh and blood instantly.
You can be in love, yes, and the few times I have been it has been immediate, but I wouldn't have given them a kidney iykwim.

YDdraigGoch Mon 26-Nov-12 15:36:50

My DH asked me to marry him about 10 days after we met - we got married within 4 months, and are still together 20 years later.

So the answer to your question OP is YES.

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