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Regarding contact

(253 Posts)
Pickles77 Sun 25-Nov-12 15:23:09

Regarding DDs twunt of a father 

He has put no effort in with DD and just likes to scream at me. 
As I refused to drive DD around the country today he hasn't seen her but he says he isn't missing anything. I'm just a bitch but his maintainence wouldn't even get me to and from what her wants!
He wants her all weekend next weekend . Am I being unreasonable to say no?
DD doesn't know him, yet he says she doesn't know me.
He's never changed a nappy and he isn't very good with her and to be frank I don't trust him.
I'm so upset on Dd's behalf. She doesn't deserve this and he doesn't realise you don't get these days back.
His time off is precious apparently, he wants it to himself sometimes. I don't ever get time off but apparently this is what I wanted.

AIBU to be sad for DD?
AIBU to stop him seeing DD until he steps up?
AIBU for being so angry angry

CoolaSchmoola Sun 25-Nov-12 17:04:04

Lovely EVERYONE with a ten week old struggles. It sounds like you are getting out of the house more than I managed when DD was ten weeks old! Although it's not the best idea to be driving a tiny around, I do understand why you are doing it.

The only people you have to worry about keeping happy is you and your DD. Let the rest of them worry about keeping themselves happy.

As for the ex - if he wants to see DD he will make the effort to come to you. If he doesn't then you know he isn't bothered. NOTHING would keep me away from my DD, I'd walk if I had to, and I'm sure you would do the same. If he won't then he doesn't deserve her. You already know he doesn't deserve you. You and DD both deserve so much more than he is willing to give.

She's only ten weeks old - you are doing this on your own, and you ARE managing, you should be so proud of yourself. Your DD will be proud of you.

I grew up knowing my Dad, but I have no memory of him living with us. And I'm glad I don't. My Dad isn't the greatest, track record of putting other things ahead of us, but he's ok. My Mum, though, is THE most amazing person I have ever met. She brought my brother and I up singlehandedly, with very little money and all I remember is a fantastic childhood with a woman who put us first. That's what your DD will have. I don't believe children need two parents, I didn't, I just needed my Mum - and we are so close.

And, this woman who I respect, admire and love so much? She had PND - but I don't remember that - and your DD won't either.

Big un-Mumsnetty hugs for you. You're doing brilliantly, even if you can't see it. And tell that man there is no way you are running around after his ass any more. If he wants to see DD he can drag HIS ass to you.

Signet2012 Sun 25-Nov-12 17:05:08

I've read your previous threads pickles. My lo is eleven weeks. I have left her with dp whilst I shower and thats it.
I wouldn't leave her with anyone so little and certainly not your ex after all what's gone on. I would tell him he is welcome to visit you, at a time that suits you, with a third party present.

If or when he proves he can be trusted and when lo is bigger then revisit the idea of contact. Truth be told after reading your previous threads I'd tell him to take you court.

CoolaSchmoola Sun 25-Nov-12 17:06:15

And you tell this sorry excuse for a man....

Your DD knows you better than she will ever know anyone. She's the only person who knows what your heart sounds like from the inside - and it was the first sound she ever heard, long before she was born. Your smell was the first smell she knew, your warmth was the first she felt. She knew you before she knew anything. And she will know you forever.

You are her MUM.

Pickles77 Sun 25-Nov-12 17:06:19

Your all so very kind.
My head is warped I think sad

Signet2012 Sun 25-Nov-12 17:08:36

Oh and pickles. My DP is the most attentive and supportive man who idolises both me and our daughter and I'm still struggling with being a first time mum so don't you dare discredit yourself. You are doing an amazing job.

picnicbasketcase Sun 25-Nov-12 17:11:34

You shouldn't be travelling around the country to accommodate the whims of a man who isn't even willing to provide enough money for his child. He sounds like a tool.

MrsTomHardy Sun 25-Nov-12 17:15:20

We are all here for you Pickles smile

TeddyBare Sun 25-Nov-12 17:15:43

You haven't let anything happen and this is not your fault. Try not to let him get you down.

CoolaSchmoola Sun 25-Nov-12 17:15:52

Aren't you breast feeding Pickles? I seem to remember you were - sorry if I'm making it up in my head!

But if I am remembering rightly then there is no WAY he can have her overnight, and at 10 weeks for more than two hours unsupervised - assuming she has a feeding pattern which she may not, and only that once she is used to him and you are 100% convinced he will give her the care she needs.

But, from what I remember of his comments re feeding - I'd be making him come to my house or a contact centre and watching him like a bloody hawk. He sounds like a complete self centred ass hole, and I wouldn't be letting him any closer than I had to for a very long time.

Pickles77 Sun 25-Nov-12 17:17:01

I had to stop bf due to the mental health team having to change my tablets as I was quite ill sad

CoolaSchmoola Sun 25-Nov-12 17:23:13

No sad faces please - you tried and you actually managed it - you should be proud of that. It wasn't your fault you had to stop - it was to help you, which in turn helps DD. Please never beat yourself up over it. She got the good stuff at the most important point.

I tried, milk didn't come in, even expressing every hour I never got more than an ounce. I would have loved to do it, but I couldn't - even the breast feeding adviser (woman who comes in your house and squashes your boobs into all manner of shapes) told me that I was flogging a dead horse! Whilst I wish it had been different I don't blame myself. Because I tried. As did you.

Pickles77 Mon 26-Nov-12 05:34:39

Thank you. Now i can't sleep, he is even there when I sleep. I'm slipping under again

PurplePidjin Mon 26-Nov-12 05:45:41

I'm up with a 1 week old who'll only sleep on someone, Pickles, you're not alone.

A fed baby is a healthy baby, doesn't matter if it's breast milk or formula. There are many advantages to bf but none of them outweigh a mother's health.

Wrt to driving, babies shouldn't be in a car seat longer than an hour. He either comes to visit or he doesn't see her. When he gets abusive, make a record and report him to the Police on 101 (if he's there, call 999 or text someone to do it for you) That's any abuse - if he so much as swears in front of you, that's threatening and intimidating behaviour. "I want you to leave". "No" means he's trespassing. 999.

Pickles77 Mon 26-Nov-12 05:48:25

Thank you, congratulations!!

He is just in my head I can't get away even sleep times. He's not contacting me now until he wants to see DD and that hurts too.
I miss who he was.
I can't do right for doing wrong.

Dd is fast asleep, but I'm wide awake

PurplePidjin Mon 26-Nov-12 05:58:01

What strategies did your therapist give you? What works and what's bollocks? Stuff i find good:

Radio on low all night
Count to 100 in French/German or backwards from 100 in English, starting again if i lose count
Breathing to a mantra - "in with the positive, out with the negative" with the in and exhales in the appropriate places works for me, but find your own
Ditto, breath in in to a count of 4 then out for 4.
Starting with toes, lie flat on your back and clench then release each body part in turn twice moving up - toes, feet, calves, thighs, pelvic floor, abs...
Visualisation - put yourself in a favourite place, remember smells, tastes, sounds etc

3littlefrogs Mon 26-Nov-12 06:11:12

Pickles, this awful bullying man is making you ill.

Anyone with a tiny baby, being bullied into driving long distances, feeling under pressure to leave their baby with a person who cannot be trusted to look after her, would be feeling anxious, depressed and unable to sleep.

This is serious abuse. He is risking your health and that of your dd by insisting on this travelling.

Anyone with a grain of common sense or compassion would not dream of asking someone who had just had a baby to drive 2 and a half hours one way, never mind a round trip.

You should be enjoying this time with your dd. It is enough of a full time job just to look after her, do the shopping, cooking and washing, never mind driving anywhere.

Your depression is not your fault, he is the cause.

Can you talk to your HV?

You are completely within your rights to refuse to do any more travelling.

You need a few weeks of peace and quiet, just you and dd.

Communicate only by email. See a solicitor or CAB.

Pickles77 Mon 26-Nov-12 08:54:54

I think everyone is sick of me being so weak and giving into him now.
I feel like there is never going to end.
I know he will call Tuesday night and ask to see her Wednesday afternoon. It's will go- 'bring her to my parents tommorow'
Me- 'No'
Him- 'for gods sake why do you have to be so difficult'
Me- 'I'm not'
Him- 'For fucks sake just bring her to my parents some mother you are stopping us seeing her'
Me- 'it's not like that, you need to make more effort'
Him- 'see all you want to do is fucking argue just bring her!'
Cue him putting phone down, me feeling guilty start to pack as I'm weak and pathetic sad

picnicbasketcase Mon 26-Nov-12 08:58:41

If he wants to see her, he needs to make some fucking effort. You are giving everything and getting nothing. It is not your responsibility to make sure he has contact, it is HIS.

waltermittymistletoe Mon 26-Nov-12 09:03:06

Sweetheart you're not "letting this happen" he is DOING THIS TO YOU.

It's not your fault. You're doing great.

When you feel weak just think how far you've come. If you were weak you'd be back with him. This is what he can't handle; your strength.

There's nothing worse to an abuser than losing their control.

Your dd is far too young for overnights.

Get a diary. Log everything. Tell him if he's not happy to do it on your terms he can go to a judge. He WON'T be awarded overnights with her being this young.

If you feel harassed, scared, intimidated you phone the police and you phone them every time he scares you.

Most of all you stay strong and be kind to yourself. This fucker is not worth your tears.

PurplePidjin Mon 26-Nov-12 10:03:59

Write him a letter stating that all communication is to be in writing as of the date of the postmark and any attempt to contact you in any other way will be seen as harassment, send it first class signed for. Screen your calls - let voicemail pick up all landline calls, if you have a "proper" answerphone you can pick up mid-message if you want to talk to them - and consult CAB for advice on his legal rights.

I've never done it, but something like:

Dear Mr Cunt,

Please take this letter as notification that I require all further communication between us to be in writing by email to This is to prevent miscommunication between us regarding dd.

Dd will be available for you to visit at <cafe local to you> every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday between 2 and 4 pm. You are required to do the bulk of the travelling as it has been proven that prolonged periods spent in a car seat cause severe respiratory and spinal problems in young children. Please see for more information.

Any attempt to use threatening or intimidating language or behaviour will result in cessation of contact and recourse to the law.

Yours sincerely

Miss P 77

Pickles77 Mon 26-Nov-12 10:44:42

Thank you for your help

PurplePidjin Mon 26-Nov-12 13:06:09

Ah but is it helpful? Are you feeling stronger?

Pickles77 Mon 26-Nov-12 13:41:19

I'm trying it's so hard to not contact him but I can't change him. He knows where she is. I just can't believe I had a baby with him

elkiedee Mon 26-Nov-12 13:44:18

Surely he's being unreasonable (and that's an understatement). She's 10 weeks old and he wants her all weekend? Is that on his own, or does he want to force you to stick around so he can carry on messing with your mind?

Do you have a health visitor? I don't think you should have been having to drive her around the country almost since she was born, that should be time for you to be spending with baby and with people who can help support you (do you have friends and family who can back you up?) I think you should ask a health visitor if they can help you find support on sorting out sensible and realistic contact arrangements - another place to talk to might be a local children's centre if you have one. Although sadly such services are being cut back, the council should still employ people like Family Support Workers who can help you find other support with such concerns.

ElsieMc Mon 26-Nov-12 14:03:07

You need to go to the CSA. To only get £30 per week he must be earning a low wage, it must be around £200 per week. Their involvement would mean your daughter received the correct amount each week and not what he thinks she should get. It also avoids you and him having to deal with each other directly over the issue of finance. I would do it now, but be aware if he says he is having her on regular weekends, the amount you receive will reduce.

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