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Regarding contact

(253 Posts)
Pickles77 Sun 25-Nov-12 15:23:09

Regarding DDs twunt of a father 

He has put no effort in with DD and just likes to scream at me. 
As I refused to drive DD around the country today he hasn't seen her but he says he isn't missing anything. I'm just a bitch but his maintainence wouldn't even get me to and from what her wants!
He wants her all weekend next weekend . Am I being unreasonable to say no?
DD doesn't know him, yet he says she doesn't know me.
He's never changed a nappy and he isn't very good with her and to be frank I don't trust him.
I'm so upset on Dd's behalf. She doesn't deserve this and he doesn't realise you don't get these days back.
His time off is precious apparently, he wants it to himself sometimes. I don't ever get time off but apparently this is what I wanted.

AIBU to be sad for DD?
AIBU to stop him seeing DD until he steps up?
AIBU for being so angry angry

Pickles77 Thu 06-Dec-12 21:57:12

Do you ever or have you ever got that disapointed sinking feeling when an acquaintance with a OH or DH a announces either a pregnancy, engagement or both?
I do know it doesn't garuntee a happy
ending and I don't know their personal circs but oh... You know wish I could have had just 5 mins of being one of them. Just five sodding minutes.
Not a 'oh I'm pregnant, homeless and dumped'

I sound a right bitch

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs Thu 06-Dec-12 23:25:56

You don't sound like a bitch. He did you out of the happy stuff. Don't let him do you out of enjoying the baby and having a lovely life of you and the baby together.

ATouchOfStuffing Fri 07-Dec-12 08:19:30

Yes, I get the family envy. And in the back of my mind I can't help but wonder how many months/years until he does a runner blush I think when you have been treated so badly through something that is meant to be such an emotional and happy time of any woman's life, it is going to take a lot to have a balanced view on it for other people. I say balanced, but secretly believe I am right (see?) wink
I let him back after he initially left and endured 6 months of his crap. He was never happy and tried to spoil everything. He insulted my dad more than once, tried to spoil friendships, got so drunk he damaged a lot of my property and all the while emotionally abused me into thinking I was useless, boring and stupid. I hit rock bottom trying to keep it together, make that family. All it did was prolong the agony and make me weaker and sadder than I have ever been before. I don't have my mum any more, but I like to think she would have talked sense into me long before I let him back in my home to live with us.
Cherish what you have and don't risk your sanity or happiness for this man.
Let him stomp and fume. You don't need a father figure like that for your precious DD.

Whocansay Fri 07-Dec-12 08:26:26

I think we all get jealous of something. I go envy everytime there's one of those "my MIL comes into my house and does all the cooking / cleaning and wants to look after my child all the time" threads. My MIL was fab, but died before we had children. We don't really have any support from family. There's always something.

Hope BabyPickles is a bit better this morning. It's horrid when they're ill at that age. They look at you with the sad face, expecting you to be able to make it all better!

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Fri 07-Dec-12 08:33:13

Don't worry about those feels Pickles you are human, I am too, either that or I am a very bitter bitter person, actually I am a bit of both. Best of luck with Solicitor!!

Pickles77 Fri 07-Dec-12 12:21:42

It's just hard. Thank you for making me feel better x

CremeEggThief Fri 07-Dec-12 12:29:17

It's normal to feel envy at times. I am happy for my sister that she is expecting her first baby in two months and happy for my brother, who has bought his first property with his girlfriend recently. But I am also a bit envy, as 7 weeks before I found out he was leaving me for an O.W., I was talking about trying for another baby and seeing if we could finally get a mortgage... It's only human, pickles.

Pickles77 Fri 07-Dec-12 18:57:30

I feel very envy today sad

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Fri 07-Dec-12 19:10:07

Very normal Pickles, envy of your ex and new g/friend? and sad because of situation?

If yes to any of the above believe me he will not have changed over night with a new g/friend. I detest my ex but somewhere deep way down inside I become sad thinking of 'what we could have had' and occasionally 'did have'.

In reality he is an abuser, abusing his new g/friends, all her and his latest child are in care because of him.

Believe me it sounds as though you are better off out of this relationship, you will greave for him I did and still do, I was with my dcs erm... sperm donor for over 15 years, so I have a few memories, nice ones, but together we were awful and I am happier now than I was anytime I was with him, and so are my dc, you will be one day too, promise. It does get easier in time, have you thought about counselling?

Pickles77 Fri 07-Dec-12 19:53:00

I had eight sessions and then saw a team for PND but it all stopped around 4 weeks ago.
He started up again.
My doc is on it again though and I should start again next week.
Solicitor was very helpful and will help me but it's almost so sad that it has had to go that far as a few weeks ago he wanted to try again. And now it's so final.
Then went back to her. She is okay in her own way but I know deep down she's vulnerable too.
I know everyone is right I know that. It's just so so painful.
I truely thought he was the one for me. When we met I can't describe it I just knew. I even emailed my friend saying it. And now...well
His ex did email me whilst I was pregnant and he destroyed her too. I told her nothing- she wrote all his
Lines in a email and told me all about her counselling and ADs, made me realise it's not just me.
I'm not what he says i am, but there's something about me as a person- I doubt myself and give people the benefit of doubt over and over again.

ATouchOfStuffing Fri 07-Dec-12 20:09:26

Final is scary, but it also means a new start.
Had 2 glasses of wine tonight (and I never drink alone!) because I had a letter from Court re our tribunal next week - his 'evidence' from his father. Very spiteful stuff, saying I am mentally troubled hmm poisonous, and have been harassing his son angry. Also I have tried to make more out of our relationship than there was an took advantage of ex! Been through a lot of shock sad angry today. Have decided to go to docs to ask for counselling myself on Monday as I have managed, just, without but this is just too much. I feel hunted, hated and he is making me doubt myself all over again.
Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your post, but these men sound all the same. They pop up angry, make you feel crap, blame you for everything and think you should do their bidding whenever it suits them. The fact I have never even met ex's dad (lives abroad) makes it worse as he is clearly going on what his son is saying. At least you know your ex's mum is decent and may help.
I wish he had never made us go through all of this and would just be a decent human being and pay for his child. There it is though, you WANT them to do the right thing, but they never cease to amaze you at how far they will go to be the opposite!

ATouchOfStuffing Fri 07-Dec-12 20:12:09

Sorry meant to say as well, ex's ex also emailed me and told me he was the most selfish man she had ever met. I wish I had listened!

Pantofino Fri 07-Dec-12 20:17:20

You are young and clever and can get past this. You have your lovely dd. You have been through A LOT in the last year - it is no wonder your emotions are all over the place. Please take some time FOR YOU. Deal with the twunt through official channels only. Stop the guilt. None of this is your fault. Let your parents help as much as they can. Twunt's mum sounds like an ally - but I would be cautious there. IGNORE what he says. If he was any kind of decent person and good judge of character he would not be behaving in the way he is.

Pickles77 Sun 09-Dec-12 12:51:03

At his parents.
He's not here but they think he's fucking super ducking dad.



It's it bad that I'm getting enjoyment out of dd screaming at them?

ATouchOfStuffing Sun 09-Dec-12 13:03:56

They are saying nice things about him to try to assure you he will be good with DD. They are probably trying to convince themselves as much as you, so don't take it personally. Misguided attempt to bring you all closer I think.
Try to avoid picking holes but if they start reinventing the past I would personally calmly explain the truth. Ex mum once said 'but DD was never in any harm by him and he would never drink around her, I am sure' and I decided to point out that yes she was (eg: left her lying on landing while he had a shower - we have a bouncer in the bathroom FFS) and was drunk EVERY DAY for the last 4 months of our relationship. She didn't like it and seemed quite embarrassed. In short they don't know how he was with you a he will have done his level best to keep it from them.

Pickles77 Sun 09-Dec-12 13:10:00

Thank you grin

Pickles77 Sun 09-Dec-12 16:03:53

Oh he's turned up.
He's apologised.
He's being really nice. I'm about to leave because i still love him

SugaricePlumFairy Sun 09-Dec-12 16:11:09

Don't fall for his Nice Twat persona Pickles!

Remember how he's treated you and Mini Pickle.

Stay strong. smile

Pickles77 Sun 09-Dec-12 16:38:07

I am. smile I'm leaving now

flow4 Sun 09-Dec-12 16:49:08

You're pretty impressive, Pickles! smile

struwelpeter Sun 09-Dec-12 18:06:44

Dear Pickles, skimmed your thread so not sure totally of where you are at. But do talk to HV as well as GP, see if there are baby groups near you - even the smily happy sorts (NCT) might be able to point you in direction of more support for yourself.
Try Gingerbread or other single parents sites. Also, please, please find out if a local WA centre or similar near you and also Freedom Programme.
I was with abusive ex when my DS was tiny, it was hell and isolated and all sorts of crap. But now I've got lots of little bits of different support and it's brilliant.
You and mini pickle are doing fine, give yourself a star or note down one good thing you achieved each day. Sounds stupid, but it can work - anything from did the washing up or managed to wash the clothes and hang them up in the morning or had a lovely cup of coffee. Concentrate on the good stuff. Keep posting, the power of MN is with you. smile

Pickles77 Sun 09-Dec-12 19:05:41


Impressive isn't a word id use wink

Pantofino Sun 09-Dec-12 19:28:04

Why are you at his parents? Sounds to me like they set you right up, his mum being all lovely and everything. Oh yes, get you to trust HER and oh look up he pops. And of course he is being lovely in front of his PARENTS.

You need to stop engaging with them AT ALL - she obviously cannot be trusted either. See a solicitor and get all contact organised and legalised.

ATouchOfStuffing Sun 09-Dec-12 19:33:48

Yes, I think the same as Panto here. I am positive my ex would have possibly walked on water if his parents had been around to witness it.
It isn't who they are, it is who they want you to see. What you fell for all that time ago. But you know better, you have seen behind the curtain.
Stay strong Pickles, and no more talk of infatuation being love. He is manipulating you again. Keep strong.

Pantofino Sun 09-Dec-12 19:42:37

You may love him still. It is heartbreaking. But the sooner you see him and his family for the manipulative wankers they are, the better. I remember when the love of my life dumped me - I could barely get out of bed. The pain was physical. I do understand how you feel. But you have dd to think of. You have to be strong.

If it helps - I recently found a naff video of my ex love, talking of pensions on the internet. How I laughed and did not recognise that person that broke my heart. Even his hair made me laugh. You will get there, but you have to stop seeing them all til this is sorted.

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