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to bugger off and leave DP with DS over night? -long

(149 Posts)
lola88 Sat 24-Nov-12 15:29:57

not so much AIBU but should i?

DP seriously thinks maternity leave is a year long holiday and i sit about watch telly and drinking cups of tea all day. DS still doesn't sleep through the night at 10mo but i quote 'it's not like you have anything to do in the day' so it doesn't matter that i'm constantly shattered because i'll obviously just be sitting around all day and can sleep when i want. Obviously this is bull i hardly sit down these days.

So last night i stayed with my mum as i had the downstairs carpets cleaned and it's not practical keeping a crawling baby off the floor for 24 hours so DP got a full sleep andd lie in, i got 5 hours sleep and up at 7. Dp went out with his mum at 2 taking DS with him as i said i didn't want to go (came home for some peace) DP has already been on the phone complaining that DS has been screaming his head off because he was woken up from a nap to early rookie error and when he comes home it's my turn.

My mums invited me round to hers tonight as she's having a few friends over and said i should stay to let DP see what it's really like being me (he's never been up in the night then got up in the morning) I had said no as i'm worried that DP won't cope with no sleep and i was away from home last night but after this whining phone call about the baby crying and it being stressful as if i've never had to deal with it i'm thinking about going round to stay at my mums.

DP said i should go tonight when i told him about it last night so he won't object so should i chuck him head first in the deep end and just go out?

cheesesavory Tue 27-Nov-12 22:21:04

Glad you enjoyed it OP.

Peppa, what happens if something happens to you? 31 years ago my mum was killed. Luckily my dad was a perfectly capable parent so was already well used to looking after the 7 year old me.

caramelwaffle Tue 27-Nov-12 22:02:19

Hope you had fun.

And again next time smile

whois Tue 27-Nov-12 21:59:03

lola88 yay :-)

lola88 Tue 27-Nov-12 21:49:10


Yes i went and non sleeping ds only woke up twice and got up for the day at 7.30 little shit so he got a good night but was still shattered and went to bed the min i walked out the door with DS in the afternoon. I'm waiting for the net time he tells me i's not tha hard before i remind him of his 3 hour nap because he got up a while 2 times.

OHforDUCKScake Tue 27-Nov-12 14:04:57

Any update..?

StuntGirl Mon 26-Nov-12 15:05:08

Yes update please lola!

TakingTheStairs Mon 26-Nov-12 14:41:04

Lola88 Did you go to your Mum's? How did you DH get on?

Can we have an update please?

forevergreek Mon 26-Nov-12 14:30:51

Yes men hae bee sole caregivers for years, my dad and siblings were brought up by their father ( my grandfather), after their mother died of cancer. My dad was 8 and the eldest of 4

CailinDana Mon 26-Nov-12 13:23:03

Sounds like a good relationship peppa, and I don't think anyone would have a problem with how you work together. What posters here were commenting on was your assertion that it is very common for men not to be able to look after children, which is clearly rubbish. It's common among your friends, fair enough, but that's got nothing to do with them being men and it's got everything to do with their own attitudes and the attitudes of their partners.

You stated that 30 years ago men were not expected to look after children, which clearly isn't true. Yes society saw it as a woman's role to do the childcare, but plenty of men stepped up and did their part. And I doubt many women would like to go back to an era where they're run ragged doing everything for the children while their "father" does nothing.

peppajay Mon 26-Nov-12 13:18:44

We will just have to agree to disagree. We do what works for us and you guys do what works for you. We are a very very happy family and we spend loads of quality time together as a family. I am out 2 eves a week playing netball and he plays badminton 1 night a week and we go out as a couple on either a friday or a saturday. We are stronger then many couples we know and we know each others strengths and weaknesses and we respect this in each other and we both pull our weight. For example I hate cleaning and I dont do it but he loves it so he blitzs the house once a week. Yes if push came to shove he would look after the children and I would clean but why force each other to do something we sont like doing when the other is perfectly willing to do it. He is a fantastic father and my kids dote on him and he hasnt got me nagging him, do this do that, as we both work together as a team and take each others feelings into account.

GossipWitch Mon 26-Nov-12 10:45:36

Op where are you!!!!!

CheungFun Mon 26-Nov-12 10:41:34

Well I hope the OP left them to it and everyone survived! Hopefully her DH has learnt it's not easy to look after a baby on your own all day and night grin

I must add to some of the other posts raised in the thread, my DH is very good with DS and he's had to be as I've needed a lot of help and support looking after DS. I can and do look after DS on my own all day but it can be emotionally and physically exhausting and I do ask DH for help which he happily gives.

MontBlanc Mon 26-Nov-12 10:17:36

I can only assume OP is still trying to entice DH out from the corner he is crying into curled in a tight ball!!

CailinDana Mon 26-Nov-12 07:53:48

When my dad was made redundant not long after I was born (30 years ago) he became a SAHD while my mother worked full time.

The idea that men never looked after children in the good old days is absolute bollocks. Peppa do you seriously think that 3/40/100 years ago no women ever died or left the family? What do you think happened to the children of the many women who died having their second/third/fourth child? Did the men just let them starve? Or sell them? Perhaps a few nasty bastards did, but the majority did what any loving parent does, stepped up and took care of them. Your ideas are extremely odd and naive and seem to be designed to ensure that men put no effort whatsoever into having children. If I were you I'd take a long hard look at where and why you were fed this tonne of crap.

butterfingerz Sun 25-Nov-12 23:47:49

Oh no, I wouldn't say my dad is a modern man - if a modern man is one that has a breakdown when left with his own child for an hour.

He had a difficult, impoverished childhood too, and depression as we were growing up, though that never held back from caring for his children.

Bogeyface Sun 25-Nov-12 22:49:27

I still win step grin

Its just great that "oh they cant help it" can be dispelled by men who, in my grandfathers case, fought in the war and are no longer with us. Shows these fucking wimps what real men are!

steppemum Sun 25-Nov-12 22:39:26

butterfingerz - I take your 30 years and raise you 45, and my dad could change a nappy, and looked after us when needed (although if he were honest, he would prefer not to have to be remotley new man ish grin )

He has even changed a grandchilds nappy, and is a favourite babysitter, especially if grandkids like watching rugby hmm

waltermittymistletoe Sun 25-Nov-12 22:08:26

I hope Peppa's attitude opens OP's eyes a little!

mrskeithrichards Sun 25-Nov-12 21:32:02

My dad worked away a lot but when he didn't he'd do everything he could to be involved.

Bogeyface Sun 25-Nov-12 21:26:21

Butterz, I am glad you mentioned that because you reminded me of a story my dad loves to tell. My grandad was in the Navy and left to drive trains because my grandma got a degenerative condition and he wanted to be at home every day. One night they had a visitor from the marine cadets when my eldest uncle wanted to join. They did family checks in those days (50 years ago)

My disabled grandma welcomed them in and asked them to wait while grandad finished bathing the little ones. When he had, he came in and picked up his knitting while he was talking to the visitor.

The visitor became a good friend of the family and actually told that story at my grandads funeral smile sad

Him, and your dad are real men.

5madthings Sun 25-Nov-12 21:19:17

op hope you had a good time!

mental health problems are crap but you can have mental health issues and still be a parent! i think its a bit of a cop out of peppas dh tbh and she is enabling it.

i had pnp after ds4 and a breakdown resulting in a week in a psych unit, once i was at home dp had a week or so at home but then he had to go back to work, he had less shifts and he didnt do nights for a while so that i didnt have to deal with nights on my own but ultimately i had to cope and yes i cried sometimes, but i got support from homestart one afternoon a week and i made myself go out etc. being a parent is hard, mh issues make it harder, but not impossible and actually i think as a parent you owe it to your kids (as well as yourself) to work on any issues you ahve so you can be a good parent.

butterfingerz Sun 25-Nov-12 21:06:36

Peppa, this:

Like my dad once said after my DH's breaksown, 30 yrs ago this never happened because men were never left in charge of the children

Is absolute bullshit.

I was born nigh on 30yrs ago. My mum has a disability so struggled with things like bathing us as babies etc. My dad bathed us, changed shitty nappies, cooked, did housework. And just in case thats not your idea of a 'real man', he was also a royal marine... incidentally, what does your DH do for a living?

He did it because he loved us and loved my mum, thats what good men did 30 yrs ago and what they're still doing now.

I accept your DH may have a mental health issue but your situation is the exception and most definately NOT the rule (your GFs are probably sugercoating things to make you feel better).

MerryCunnyFuntingChristmas Sun 25-Nov-12 21:05:37

Yes update us OP!

Bogeyface Sun 25-Nov-12 21:01:32

There should be a scout badge for child care, seriously!

Bogeyface Sun 25-Nov-12 20:57:11

Another thought Peppa

Does your DH work and you SAHM? What is the arrangement? What would happen if your DH lost his job and you had to work FT? My husband found himself out of a job with no notice on Tuesday when the parent company folded, so we are both looking for work. Childcare costs mean that we have to work opposite shifts if we can, or whoever can get a job first will work FT and the other will be the SAHP until DD is old enough atleast for her free nursery hours. How would this work in your house, if out of financial necessity, you had to work and he couldnt?

this is a genuine question, I am not having a go. I am just a little concerned, along with others on here, that you are not aware of the pitfalls in your plan that you are the primary care giver and he doesnt have to worry about such things until "he is ready". Sometimes life happens before we are ready, trust me on this!

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