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To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

(660 Posts)
AnameIcouldnotthinkof Fri 23-Nov-12 21:07:25

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

apostropheuse Fri 23-Nov-12 21:38:49


I am in total shock at this level of cruelty to a child. Your child. Your son.

Under no circumstances would I allow her to do it. I just wouldn't let your other children have the gifts.

In fact I would go so far as to say I wouldn't let her see the children unless she changed her attitude.

It's disgusting.

chinam Fri 23-Nov-12 21:38:53

YADNBU, My children are adopted and if I got the slightest whiff that my family thought that my children were less than other blood relatives that would be the last I saw of them.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Fri 23-Nov-12 21:39:56

My face was like this [shocked] while i was reading your post.
I think welsh about summed it up for me, i'm surprised you didn't say anything the first year tbh

ChablisLover Fri 23-Nov-12 21:40:49


Your mum said this?

I would tell her not to bother with any presents and also that she will not see any of your dc until she wises up and realises you have 4 kids and they should all be treated equally.

I would not want anything to do with her nor would I want her around my Dcs. If she won't buy him a present god knows if she would look after him properly. After all he's not her blood and she feels no responsibility.

Nope I'd wipe my hands of her and your sil

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Fri 23-Nov-12 21:41:12

YANBU what a horrible thing to do to a child sad

I don't think I would be seeing her or SIL for a long old while TBH.

MissVerinder Fri 23-Nov-12 21:41:31


As a foster carer (the second time this week I've said that!) I have been pleasantly surprised at how my family (great grandparents included) have bought the girls birthday and christmas presents of equal value as well as treats, just as they did/do for DD, and they know they won't be here forever.

I agree with sending 3 back unopened.

YANBU - to be honest, if that was my mother I'd cut all ties. She sounds like a cruel and nasty piece of work. Does she take candy from babies in her spare time?

All the better if she doesn't drive, it'll make it much easier to ignore her. Change your phone number, perhaps move house and maybe she'll get the message.

itsaruddygame Fri 23-Nov-12 21:43:24

Your mother and sil are frankly the pits. My sister is adopted and I could not love her more - just can't understand such a dreadful attitude to your DS. I would not tolerate this treatment of any child full stop.

WelshMaenad Fri 23-Nov-12 21:44:52

I have to ask - has she always been a cunt or is this a recent development?

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Fri 23-Nov-12 21:45:39

Me and my mum have never had the best relationship, she always prefered my older DB over me and my youngest brother and she didn't like DH when we first got together until we had our first DC.

DH is really pissed off with my mum. He says he will stick by me no matter what I decide but he is fed up with my mum being a bitch towards me and DS.

DHs family love DS to bits. DS is as loved by my ILs as much as the rest of the family. My youngest DB and SIL love DS too. It is just my mum and my other DB and SIL that have ever said they have a problem and even then at least my Db and SIL treat them all the same regardless of personal feelings.

MyAmygdalaDidIt Fri 23-Nov-12 21:45:52

YANBU. At all.

I think you are wonderful adopting and loving your DS as you do.

Your mother sounds awful. Truly. Sorry.

Reading your post made me well up for you and your DS.

Tell her -as you suggest - presents for all ... or none thanks.

ps. My step-dad treats all 4 of his kids equally - biologically related or not... he loves his step-grand kids just the same as the others.

Wishing you strength to cope with this nastiness.

CiderwithBuda Fri 23-Nov-12 21:47:56

Horrible. But not unusual. My DH is 52 and is adopted.

I am not sure of the full story but I know that he has no relationship with his 'relatives' on one side as they treatedhim differently.

You need to lay down the law. Your adopted DSis your DS. your have 4 children. your relatives need to treat them all the same. Otherwise NONE ofyour childen get presents from your family. end of.

roundtable Fri 23-Nov-12 21:49:03

My grandparents were like this to me and my sister.

They did mellow as they got older but it was too late by then really.

It made my parents biological child, my brothers, really dislike them so they never really had a relationship with them either.

Keep all your children safe from her nasty behaviour but they will soon realise and form their own judgment of her. It's lonely being poisonous.

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Fri 23-Nov-12 21:49:27

Welsh- DH says my mum has always been a cunt. I think he is probably right.

DontmindifIdo Fri 23-Nov-12 21:50:20

then as your DCs will still have a loving set of grandparents in their lives from your PIL and positive relationships from your side from your younger DB and SIL, you shouldn't feel guilty at all at cutting your mother out. Tell her you have thought about it, you find her attitude is going to be posionous to all your DCs, so you won't be seeing her for a while, and certainly not round Christmas. Then mean it.

To me, it sounds like her favouritism towards your older DB has damaged your relationship with him, can you not see if you let her do a similar thing within your family, it won't just hurt your adopted DS, but damage the relationships between all your DCs.

Give yourself 6 months off from her, I really wouldn't bother having anything to do with her until the summer, if she still hasn't realised she's fucked up royally, then feel free to cut her out completely. It's her choice to behave like this. It's your choice if you put up with it.

bionicmummy Fri 23-Nov-12 21:50:42

personally I'd refuse to have anything to do with her, or let her near any of my kids unless she was prepared to treat them equally. The kids come first.

roundtable Fri 23-Nov-12 21:51:55

Children not child and yanbu op.

WelshMaenad Fri 23-Nov-12 21:52:06

How did you end up so nice? hmm

I'm sorry for what you have to deal with. I'm glad most family members treat your DS properly, as an equal family member.

moopoint Fri 23-Nov-12 21:52:45

I'm sorry to be blunt but if this was me I'd cut her out.

MsElleTow Fri 23-Nov-12 21:52:45

I have just the OP to my 15 year old Son. He thinks your mum is a vile, spiteful bitch, and he said you should cut all contact with her. I agree with him.
She is toxic. She will damage your DS if you allow her to treat him like that.

Sarahplane Fri 23-Nov-12 21:54:07

My ex's mum (dd's granny) has adopted my one year old ds as her grandson as well. Come Xmas she turns up with presents for dd, ds and my dnephew as well. In fact even on my dd's birthday (when it would have been understandable just to buy for dd) she brought a present for ds as well so he wouldn't be left out. She even comes to visit ds or take him out when dd isn't even there (at school) because she loves him whether he's blood or not.

OscarPistoriusBitontheside Fri 23-Nov-12 21:55:00

Cut her and SIL out and move on. What disgusting behaviour! Your DC are your DC no matter how they came to be yours, natural/adopted/blended however. IT DOES NOT MATTER, they are your all your DC.

What a nasty excuse for a mother she is.

MisForMumNotMaid Fri 23-Nov-12 21:58:08

How very sad, she's going to miss out so much.

Could you suggest a family game or similar for all? If she addresses it to just three cut the tag off.

SirBoobAlot Fri 23-Nov-12 21:58:23

How utterly vile, your poor DS sad

I'd tell her to stuff her Christmas presents to be honest, and cut contact.

WelshMaenad Fri 23-Nov-12 21:59:36

Sarahplane, my exes parents have adopted both my kids as surrogate grandchildren and spoil them rotten, and ex and I don't even have any kids together!

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