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To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

(660 Posts)
AnameIcouldnotthinkof Fri 23-Nov-12 21:07:25

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

AlphaAndEcho Mon 14-Jan-13 18:49:37


My DH adopted my DD when she was a toddler.
Apparently one of my DHs family members said to my mil that her daughter is the only of the cousins with a daughter "well except for the adopted ones" hmm

Mil was appalled ! He is her father and she is his daughter regardless of biology .

AlphaAndEcho Mon 14-Jan-13 18:54:23

Fwiw I think you are handling this with so much grace and dignity and your children sounds lovely . Your children are so lucky to have parents like you . ALL of them . flowers

pigletmania Mon 14-Jan-13 18:58:51

My good Aname can't she sink even lower. Even more reason to have nothing to do with te toxic cow. She s just nasty nasty trough and through. The real her is coming out

moajab Mon 14-Jan-13 19:14:48

You and your DC are well rid of this woman. You are showing your DC what a true family is - one that is bound together by love, support and togetherness. And anyone who does not want to be part of that is not family, regardless of 'blood'.

I agree with everyone who says keep a log of any abusive behaviour. Also if you or your DC have any abuse from her or your brother on school premises then report it to the head teacher.

chipmonkey Mon 14-Jan-13 20:49:48

She really sounds unhinged, Aname! Not to mention a horrible, horrible person.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Mon 14-Jan-13 22:00:45

Aname I am horrified, speechless, gobsmacked, shocked, appalled...

I had NO IDEA that there were so many horrible people in the world believing these ridiculous lies about adoption. Absolutely no idea. My darling dad was adopted and it has never been anything more than a passing, semi-interesting fact about his past.

There is probably no need to add one more voice to the multitudes on this thread! But I will anyways... Very well done. Toxic mother. Avoid. Chin up. My wish for you and your kids and your DH is that you will get through this and laugh about it one day like they can in Maryz' family.

TheFallenNinja Mon 14-Jan-13 22:15:31

I'd tell her to stick it all up her arse.

pigletmania Tue 22-Jan-13 00:27:42

How is it going op? Has your mum made a maraculious recovery

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Tue 22-Jan-13 18:19:22

My mum has made no such recovery I am afraid.
She has been telling anyone who will give her the time of day what a horrible mother I am.
Luckily people who know me do come and ask for my side and disagree with my mother.
The DCs are getting used to it and hopefully feeling a bit better about it. They are very supportive of their brother whilst they are in school and they are horrified that my mum still hasn't said sorry.

prettybird Tue 22-Jan-13 18:22:40

In a funny way, that must be quite gratifying - as your mum effectively condemns herself. Although I am sure you'd prefer that she saw the error of her ways but there again, hell might freeze over before then wink

Kaida Tue 22-Jan-13 19:06:10

How on Earth is she telling people you're a horrible mother? I mean, what's her argument for that? I've been following the thread since the beginning, OP, and I think you're handling a nasty situation well. Your mother, brother and SIL are ... not nice people.

auntpetunia Tue 22-Jan-13 19:38:14

what! on what basis is she saying you are a horrible mother? how deluded can you get? I am glad that people are asking you about the situation and not just taking her word for it. Hope the DCs continue to be understanding, they must be so confused by grandma's behaviour.

3birthdaybunnies Tue 22-Jan-13 19:53:59

De-lurking, how is your ds managing? Poor mite, loses his family then he gets treated like that. I'm sure you probably have made provision, but in case anything happened to you and dh might be worth making sure she is never in a position to split your dc up.

pigletmania Tue 22-Jan-13 21:06:40

All i can say is nasty nasty people, you are handling it really well, i would not be so controlled.

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Tue 22-Jan-13 21:19:57

She tells people I am a horrible mother because I treat my children differently because I have banned her from seeing them 'for no reason' and I am harming her health and the well-being of 'HER' DGC because they can't see their nanna anymore.
Poor DS is doing okay. He has asked if we still love him etc.
It's so sad sometimes it makes me cry to think of him so sad.
My other DCs are trying so hard to show him how much he means to them but it is hard for them too especially DD as she was close to my mum and finds it hard to understand how she can be so mean.

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Tue 22-Jan-13 21:27:24

We are planning family holidays this year one with the 6 of us at easter and one with my youngest DBs family on the summer holidays.
We are all planning the easter holiday together to give them something to look forward too.

pigletmania Tue 22-Jan-13 22:06:48

oh aname your poor poor ds sad how can anyone be so wicked. i bet that her vile toxic behaviour cements the actions you are taking. how can anyone do that to a little child, what has he done to her

pigletmania Tue 22-Jan-13 22:08:47

i dont think your children would like to see someone who is nasty and wicked to their brother

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 22-Jan-13 22:15:12

I wait for the day you tell us that your DD has seen your poor excuse for a mother and shows her up publicly, i tell you, your DS struck gold, being adopted by you and having siblings who adore him, keep giving him the love and hes gonna grow to a happy adult.

Blatherskite Tue 22-Jan-13 22:29:40

I feel a bit tearful at the "He has asked if we still love him" bit.

I remember how awful it was to wonder sad

pigletmania Wed 23-Jan-13 07:59:24

I know blathers kite that is just so sad. And she just does not get it. Because she is a nasty vicious woman. I just cannot let this thread go. Yes I would let her meet up with her grandkids with your supervision and watch her squirm when they show her up and ask her difficult questions

pigletmania Wed 23-Jan-13 08:24:56

She deserves to go on the Jeremy vile show and be ripped apart by him

Squitten Wed 23-Jan-13 08:40:12

Just remember that she's prodding you. She's escalating it so that you will break the wall and get back in touch - any attention is better than none.

Continue to ignore and concentrate on your lovely DC

fourfingerkitkat Wed 23-Jan-13 09:14:08

Can't believe I've missed this thread before. I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said except I wish you and your lovely family all the best for the future. You're wee boy is lucky to have you all and by the sounds of it you know you're lucky to have him too. To hell with everyone else and what they may think x

MrsCR Wed 23-Jan-13 11:10:29

your DM has dug herself a huge hole, and looks like your DB has inherited too many of her traits!

Hang in there, you're absolutely in the right and have behaved in an exemplary fashion. Head up and be the bigger person

give all your DCs a hug from me!

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