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To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

(660 Posts)
AnameIcouldnotthinkof Fri 23-Nov-12 21:07:25

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

allibaba Mon 07-Jan-13 20:15:51

Aname my heart goes out to you and your family, you've been through so much.

My DH and I have been watching this thread in disbelief (DH is adopted, has known as long as he can remember) and cannot believe the behaviour of your extended family.

I can only echo what others have said about staying strong and keeping your lovely little family away from these toxic toxic people. You have carried yourself with such dignity through this and your children will thank you for ensuring that these lunatics are not allowed anywhere near them becuase that level of toxicity seeps in to everything and makes everyone elses lives horrible. Good luck xx

pigletmania Mon 07-Jan-13 20:48:40

So awful op, so sad. How did your adopted ds take it. Have nothing more to do with your toxic mum and brother.

pigletmania Mon 07-Jan-13 20:51:09

This is one of the most saddest threads I've heard of. Three was a similar thread a couple of years back. The op ds from another relationship was treated unfairly by her dh parents

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 07-Jan-13 23:18:39

Aname I hope your mother and brother are totally ashamed of themselves, and maybe one day, one of your DC's will tell the pair of them, what truly selfish twats the really are.

SpecialAgentKat Tue 08-Jan-13 01:08:20

What makes it so horrible is BIL's children are being indoctrination as we type. sad

SpecialAgentKat Tue 08-Jan-13 01:09:06


fosterdream Tue 08-Jan-13 02:25:54

OP send 'D'B, SIL and 'D'M this thread. Disown them all nothing good can come of this, even if she starts buying for all YOUR DC she will hold her angry and poison them slowly.

Could you imagine doing that to a DC? They deserve no part of your family.

SquinkiesRule Tue 08-Jan-13 02:38:55

That is so sad that you had to tell them, talk about having to explain adult things to kids and how mean they can be. I'm so glad they have you and that you are doing a wonderful job parenting all the children with equality.

pigletmania Tue 08-Jan-13 07:21:01

Even if she started buying for all of them it won't be from the heart because she wants to, it would be to see her ther bio grandkids, as a means to an end. Deep down she will still hold her toxic views

pigletmania Tue 08-Jan-13 07:43:23

I just re read your initial op, and thought what a vile toxic woman your mother is and your brother is no better. A leopard does not change its spots, she will still hold those vile toixvc views until the day she dies. Op you are est off without this toxicity in your family. Have nothing more to do with them

auntpetunia Tue 08-Jan-13 08:05:39

Poor kids, poor ds, what a horrible thing to have to hear, hope he was OK. At least now you have prepared them for any comments in school. I hope they know to go straight to a member of staff if anything is said about this is school by anyone, not necessarily their cousins.

FryOneFatManic Tue 08-Jan-13 10:11:17

Oh dear, I see the necessity of having to tell your children, but it's so sad it had to come to this.

smornintime Tue 08-Jan-13 10:45:54

Just found this thread - it has made me really sad. I hate that you had to tell them what has been happening.

I hope that they understand enough to get that you are absolutely doing the right thing. It couldn't be allowed to continue. I agree that you should steer clear of your mum AND brother for the foreseeable future.

hope you are all ok

TherapeuticVino Tue 08-Jan-13 13:54:37

How horrible that you had to tell them. But how wonderful it must be for them to realise what a strong, supportive, loving little team you are. They will be very aware that whatever happens, they are part of something so solid no-one can splinter it.

ShamyFarrahCooper Tue 08-Jan-13 14:20:38

OP you have done the right thing. As an adoptee myself, I can say that when my DM cut all contact with a family member for comments about me not being 'real family' etc it meant the absolute world to me.

Your ds may not fully understand what you have done, maybe your other dc's won't either, but one day they will know that mum & dad put them above all others.

I know you are concerned about age, but at 5 I knew I was adopted & asked questions, explained nightmares I had about it etc. It can be difficult (even as an adult) to get over the initial rejection (even though I KNOW my story) so to have two people stand up for you like this means so much.

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Fri 11-Jan-13 21:48:03

Thank you for your support thanks
They seem to be getting their heads around it and we are answering all their questions and trying to help them through as best we can.
Their cousins have asked them why I decided not to speak to my mum and our DD (8) told them that she was treating her brother differently. Other than that it has been okay and the school are listening in for problems and have been very supportive.

pigletmania Fri 11-Jan-13 22:25:12

That's good Aname, your chi,dren sound wonderful, very mature. Thanks very much for updating. Shame your brother is rubbing his poison onto his poor kids sad

moajab Sat 12-Jan-13 00:02:00

Yes I feel sorry for the cousins who must be very confused by it all. It was horrible of your brother to involve them. But I would love it if they started asking awkward questions to their parents and GM about why their cousin suddenly isn't their cousin and surely he is if Aunty Aname say he's her DS etc.!

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Mon 14-Jan-13 16:00:08

I agree I feel awful that my DNs have also had to be involved in all this.
On my way to pick up the DCs from school today my mum drove past me in the car shouting abuse etc.
Luckily I had the dogs with me so she wasn't around for long but I am now worried about walking with the DCs.

Andro Mon 14-Jan-13 16:41:46

What an absolutely horrific situation, my heart goes out to you and your family Aname.

The very mention of 'blood family' in relation to adoption makes my blood boil, as soon as an adoption is completed you are family...end of.

CSIJanner Mon 14-Jan-13 16:46:41

Make a diary and write down her abusing you from the car. Make a note of what she shouted and the time it occurred. Sorry Aname - I have the bad feeling that this may be the start of verbal abuse both from your mum and your brother sad

I hope the pessimist in me is proven wrong though

forgetmenots Mon 14-Jan-13 17:36:57

Agree with CSI, start a log detailing all incidents, whether its to you or your DCs (it is sad for DNs but it is their parents fault).

I really feel for you but you have done the right thing.

DoodlesNoodles Mon 14-Jan-13 17:52:40

What a sad post. It must be very hard for you OP but I don't see how you could have done anything different.

I hope things settle down and that you feel OK.

SquinkiesRule Mon 14-Jan-13 17:56:32

Her behavior sinks even lower! I'm shocked. Don't be afraid to go anywhere. She is making a complete fool of herself shouting from the car. I would keep a log and if she tries to escalate get a no contact order of some sort for you, Dh and the kids. She should be ashamed of herself acting like a stroppy child.

AlphaAndEcho Mon 14-Jan-13 18:48:01


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