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To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

(660 Posts)
AnameIcouldnotthinkof Fri 23-Nov-12 21:07:25

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

Turquoiseblue Sun 30-Dec-12 23:01:50

Op - wishing you and your family joy and happiness in the new year.
You did the right thing. Just read the tread, with my dh, we are both horrified at the sheer injustice to you and your dh and dc s, your family, your mum will be a lonely old woman. I m so shocked and horrified at the attitude and stance her and your bil have taken. Shocked. They should be ashamed.
Take strength from the love you and your kids have for each other and your happy family unit. Xx

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Thu 03-Jan-13 17:00:58

Thank you all.
My mum has not been in touch.
However my eldest brother called last week saying that he was telling his DCs how I was being mean to my mum. They go to the same school as my DCs so it looks like me and DH are going to have to tell them before someone else does. angry

littlemiss06 Thu 03-Jan-13 17:04:01

OMG thats awful!! How can she single out one child in a household of four children! Hes at an age now were hes going to start realising hes being treated differently by her so I think your well within your rights to say something and as a mum of four children myself including one whos adopted I would be saying something if it was me!

DontmindifIdo Thu 03-Jan-13 17:24:38

oh dear - I'd send your brother an e-mail saying "just to warn you, we're going to have to tell our children the full story about why they haven't seen Granny over Christmas, including that she has decided to single out [insert your DS's name] as not being 'real family' and that we wouldn't allow her to do that. We had tried to shield them from it as we hoped she'd see sense about 'blood' members of the family only being 'real' family, but as you have told your children, we'll have to make sure ours know. You might want to make sure you have told your children the full story as ours are going to be very angry that she's being so horrible to their brother and I'd hate [DN's] to find out from our children.

love Aname.

PS did Mum buy anything for your wife for Christmas? I just wondered if she really was excluding [DS] because he's not a 'blood' relation or if she's happy to buy gifts for other non-blood relations and it's just she's decided she doesn't like this small child and was using the fact he's adopted as an excuse to be horrible to him."

But then I'm a nasty cowbag and happily stir.

Tell your older DCs the full story, I bet they will be seriously upset with Granny though.

JustFabulous Thu 03-Jan-13 17:25:42

If you have to speak to your brother I suggest you ask him why he would choose to upset his children and why is he acting like a 2 year old about something that has nothing to do with him.

forgetmenots Thu 03-Jan-13 17:53:13

Love it dontmind. Would definitely do that OP. including the PS!

Catkinsthecatinthehat Thu 03-Jan-13 18:05:50

If that's your brother's approach you may wish to speak to the school and give them the heads up in case your 'dear' brother's children are being encouraged to bully your son or just tell all his peers that granny thinks he's worthless because of his origins.

I've followed this thread and you've handled it brilliantly. I can't believe that your mother and brother still feel their behaviour is acceptable. Surely when your mother is sounding off to all and sundry about how she's publicly snubbing one of her daughter's children, people must be reacting with shock and horror (as they have on this thread)?

prettybird Thu 03-Jan-13 18:25:33

I think you should add in to that brilliant email that because of his threat statement that he was going to tell his dcs, you regretfully have not only had to tell your own children about their granny's nasty and spiteful discriminatory and prejudiced treatment of your four children, but that you have also had to tell the school what is going on, for fear of potential bullying.

I know that the primary school that ds went to would have wanted to know about this sort of thing so that they could be aware of and ready to deal with any potential fallout.

ProphetOfDoom Thu 03-Jan-13 19:07:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeadfirstForAMistletoeKiss Thu 03-Jan-13 19:12:44

No offense to you OP, but by God your brother is thick if he still doesn't get it! Well done for sticking to your guns, I know it's been hard but it's worth it in the long run as it's so important your ds isn't excluded from the family.

hattymattie Thu 03-Jan-13 19:18:47

I absolutely can't get my head around your family's attitude OP. I think lots of good advice has been given on this thread. Just to say I hope it works out for you and hugs.

pigletmania Thu 03-Jan-13 19:19:18

Your brother is a nasty twat, the apple dies not fall far from the tree does it! I am loving dontmindifido suggestion. Keep up the good work Aname you have to defend your family, and stick up for a por little boy who has no one else

auntpetunia Thu 03-Jan-13 19:30:52

Have followed from the start getting more and more disgusted at your family's behaviour. I do agree that a word with school should be told So they can be on the look out for any fall out, either directly from DNs or prompted by them to other less savoury characters!

And I love the email.

diamondsagirlsbestfriend Thu 03-Jan-13 21:48:51

I just wanted to say that I have the utmost respect for you OP, and your children sound absoultly amazing.

My Mum doesnt have any "biological" grandkids, but has 4 amazing grandkids from my step sisters, that she treats just like she did me and my brother growing up. The way it shoud be.

I hope that it all works out in this situation for you, and I would defintly send that email and notify the school.

And your brother is just being nasty, by telling his children so it gets back to yours, maybe buy your nieces and nephews some story books about adoption, and how they are part of the family, maybe it will get through your brothers head then, if his own kids start asking him why he is being nasty to their cousin!

ShiftyFades Thu 03-Jan-13 22:15:27

I have been following this thread in shock.
I can't believe your DB is going to tell his kids that you're being "mean" to granny. How can someone not see this for what it is?!!

I am so angry at your mum, she is a poisonous, destructive twat.

I echo the email suggestion, you need to get this nipped ASAP sad

DoJo Thu 03-Jan-13 22:42:44

All your mum is doing is proving that 'blood relations' can be uncaring, spiteful and vindictive and that your family (you, your DH, your kids and your in-laws) is the kind where mothers treat their children fairly and siblings love one another unconditionally. It sounds like you're well out of it and your family will be all the stronger for it.

pigletmania Thu 03-Jan-13 22:46:48

Exactly dojo what's bad example of blood. I know we're I would rather be, Wth op and her family

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Fri 04-Jan-13 20:05:26

We have emailed the school to tell them what has happened.
We have also emailed my brother (Thank you for the email suggestion) he contacted back to say that he would tell his DCs anyway and he didn't care that I contacted the school or that I would have to tell my DCs.

prettybird Fri 04-Jan-13 20:15:07

Well more fool him. He (and your mum) is the one that is going to look small and petty in the eyes of his local community. hmm

pigletmania Fri 04-Jan-13 21:19:32

God your brother is a nasty piece of work isent he.

Purplefurrydice Fri 04-Jan-13 21:38:06

I will always remember one of my aunts sobbing at my grandads funeral. We were all really upset but she was massively so. She told us she was so upset because my grandad married her mother after her biological dad died when she was very young and raised her as his own and she was treated no differently from his biological children.

Aname you and your DH are doing the right thing.

fuzzpig Fri 04-Jan-13 21:43:56

Bloody hell. Shocked to read the latest. FFS angry

You are dealing with this incredibly well.

LiveItUp Fri 04-Jan-13 22:27:51

Wow - I have nothing to add but wanted to express my complete admiration at the strength you have shown in handling all this. What a wonderful family you, DH and your 4DCs have together.

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Fri 04-Jan-13 22:33:21

She sounds very toxic and if that is an example of 'blood' she can take it and leave it.
Dc are dc no matter what and they should all be treated exactly the same regardless of blood ties.

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Fri 04-Jan-13 22:51:14

Thank you though being honest if he was standing in front of me I would probably hit him.

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