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To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

(660 Posts)
AnameIcouldnotthinkof Fri 23-Nov-12 21:07:25

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

picnicbasketcase Fri 23-Nov-12 21:21:56

What ENorma said. How fucking shortsighted and cruel.

OpheliaPayneAgain Fri 23-Nov-12 21:21:57

I had a BF once who had a mother, who kept refering to her daughters 2 adopted children as 'the adopted ones' and the very unexpected one as the 'real one' - I used to shoot my eyebrows up in the air.

Sorry, OP, your mum, short of money or not has to treat them all equally or nothing at all.

She may not consider an adopted child to be 'blood' but she has a moral decency to treat him as such and keep her opinions to herself

lechatnoir Fri 23-Nov-12 21:23:09

I honestly think you need to have a proper sit down with your family and explain that you have 4 children all of which are loved equally irrespective of their beginnings & if they can't accept that then they are no longer welcome in your home. It might sound OTT but this obvious exclusion of your DS will impact & could do huge amounts of damage. Please please don't expose him to this poison. I feel so sad for him sad

DontmindifIdo Fri 23-Nov-12 21:23:31

I think you are right, she can get gifts for all of your DCs or none. You have adopted him, I assume your other DCs treat him as their brother, it's horrible to think the adopted child in a family would feel less like they 'belong'.

If you need to go to her to see her, then you can quite easily avoid this problem by refusing to go see her before Christmas. I think if she is going to keep to this stance, she's actually not a good person to be around your other DCs, they will hear her say that your DS isn't 'proper' family and also hear the lies that you're favouring their adopted brother. That's not someone who is going to be a good influence on any of your children.

Grandparents are not always good people to have in your DC's lives. It's hard when it's your parents to accept, but at least you know.

allthegoodnamesweretaken Fri 23-Nov-12 21:23:44

If she was so loyal to 'blood' relatives, surely she should respect YOUR wishes?
I would not let anyone treat my child like this. I'd tell her clearly to treat DS the same as the rest of your DCs or fuck the fuck off.

MissMogwi Fri 23-Nov-12 21:23:51

YANBU. That is horrible and your mum should be ashamed of herself. SIL sounds as bad.

My sister and I are adopted, and my grandparents, aunts and uncles always treated us the same as our 'blood' cousins. It wasn't even an issue, it never has been.

I hope you and all your DC have a lovely Christmas anyway.

bradywasmyfavouriteking Fri 23-Nov-12 21:24:19

I would be going to see her.

Me and my brother were treated very different from our cousins. It leaves a mark of not being good enough. He continued to do when we were adults. I don't speak to him anymore.

But I still struggle with not feeling good enough or part of the wider family. Luckily for me dbro was treated the same so we at least had each other.

Your DM will cause a rift between DS and his siblings. They could grow up all resenting each other.

Think long and hard about the impact she could have on your children.

GhostShip Fri 23-Nov-12 21:25:23

Do people like that exist?!!! Why are people so fucking nasty. You've been amazing giving this boy a good home, yet she denies him the right of being 'family'.

What a first class arse. I'd be seriously thinking about cutting her out. Don't let her poison your biological childrens minds

mrscog Fri 23-Nov-12 21:25:28

Is this for real? Are there really people this fucking vile out there? Print this thread off and send it to her. What an absolute bitch.

ChaoticismyLife Fri 23-Nov-12 21:26:52


Your mum is being vile and nasty. As for your SIL next time she says anything point out that she's not blood so going by her and your mum's logic she isn't family.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop Fri 23-Nov-12 21:26:57

+1 to the suggestion that if she only buys for the other 3 DCs, return the presents unopened.

This is horrible and cruel behaviour, are you sure you want your mum around your DCs at all?

chroniclackofimagination Fri 23-Nov-12 21:27:10

That is the most unkind, pointless and insane behaviour. Who would be so cruel to a 5 year old to make a (ridiculous) point. YANBU and I would be furious in your position. You have every right and a real duty to protect your child from emotional abuse.

Uppermid Fri 23-Nov-12 21:27:15

You are doing the right thing by sticking up for all your children, good for you, don't let her bully you. All you children are lucky to have a mum that will stand up for them all.

Sorry but your mum and sisters are bing silly bitches

GhostShip Fri 23-Nov-12 21:27:33

My 'dad' isn't really my dad. My real dad died when I was seven weeks old. He has treated me like a daughter, since I was two. Even when he had kids with my mum, he didn't discard me he loved me even more.

His family welcomed me with open arms and have never even mentioned the fact I'm not 'his blood'. Something which I'm grateful for. I'm so so happy that they brought me into their family.

Its a shame your mum isn't willing to do this act for your adoptive son sad

CailinDana Fri 23-Nov-12 21:28:20

Wow, it really is incredible that a grown adult could be so so nasty to a small child. I think in your shoes I would just cut my mother off completely OP, I would be so disgusted with her.

WelshMaenad Fri 23-Nov-12 21:28:38

Your mum is a cunt. She is. I cannot formulate a reasonable response, I just read your post to DH and nearly ended up in tears.

Cruel, cruel heartless bitch. I would tell her to fuck her 'blood' and refuse to acknowledge her as my family.

WillYouDoTheFandango Fri 23-Nov-12 21:30:40

YANBU she buys for them all or she can shove her gifts. That's a truely horrible way for your mum to act, but at least DS has you to stick up for him smile

GrumpyCynicalBastard Fri 23-Nov-12 21:32:20

What welsh said. Otherwise I'm speechless. If I heard anyone say such a thing, family or not, that would be the end of me and them. Truly cunty behaviour.

DontmindifIdo Fri 23-Nov-12 21:32:47

BTW - how does your DH feel about this? This is truely hideous MIL behaviour, he has my sympathies. grin And how is his family with your adopted DS? Are they more accepting or is it just your side who are being cruel fuckwits using a small childs emotions to prove their point unwelcoming to your new DS?

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Fri 23-Nov-12 21:33:23

This would be a good time to 'stamp' this out - i.e. all or nothing.
At 4 year's old (& definitely at 5), little ones are quite shrewd at noticing favouritism.
He is one of your children now, and she needs to respect your parenting decisions. If she's nasty to him (and sorry it is nasty), she in turn is making it difficult for you, as you'll be the one picking up the pieces if he's upset or insecure about it.
Don't fall for the not enough money thing either - just politely say no disrespect but it's best to leave it then. Hopefully she'll get the message once and for all and you won't have this every Christmas.

Sarahplane Fri 23-Nov-12 21:33:38

Yaddddddnbu. Your mum first being a cruel heartless nasty bitch. I would be seriously questioning if I wanted her in any of your dc's lives. So damaging for your ds and all of your dc's to be around someone with an attitude like that. Not only your ds but all of your dc's relationships with each other.

Mrsjay Fri 23-Nov-12 21:36:27

what a really uncaring unkind person she is just horrible id tell her to stick her presents up her arse your poor son . get them all or not at all is what id tell her, Im really sorry she is being so hurtful to you.

ToffeeCaramel Fri 23-Nov-12 21:37:01

shock You are so not being unreasonable!!!! I can't believe your mum is treating your son like this!! She is being very unreasonable and so is the SIL

MammaTJ Fri 23-Nov-12 21:38:27

I don't say this lightly about someone elses mother, but she is an absolute bitch!!

My own 'D'M is not perfect, but when I met my now ExH and he already had a DD she bought for her the same as my DSises DC!

My DPs parents also bought for my DD,even when we first got together!!

They managed to accept children who were not their 'blood', as I did with my DStD, so why can't your DM?

Cut her out if you have to!!

Missmuffet28 Fri 23-Nov-12 21:38:46

How heart breaking this thread is, some people say blood is thicker than water I have always lived by the one that says 'you can choose your friends but not your family'
I have some toxic family member I choose to not have anything to do with them and they have done nothing as cruel and cold as your mother sorry to say it like that op but have you read your post back to yourself?

YANBU !!!!

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