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To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

(660 Posts)
AnameIcouldnotthinkof Fri 23-Nov-12 21:07:25

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

MoelFammau Fri 23-Nov-12 21:09:45

I'm sorry to say this but your DM (and also your SIL) is a first class arse.


LalyRawr Fri 23-Nov-12 21:10:17

What an absolutely cruel thing for your mother to do! You are in no way being unreasonable!

I hope your DS is young enough to not notice the difference.

If it were me, I would have told her a lot more then get lost xx

3monkeys3 Fri 23-Nov-12 21:12:01

YADNBU! I feel very sad after reading this post. I think if it were my mum I would tell her not to bother at all. Poor little boy.

AnyaKnowIt Fri 23-Nov-12 21:12:05

YANBU your ds IS part of your family.

If your mum only buys for 3dc, I would return them unopened

PersonalClown Fri 23-Nov-12 21:12:15

YASooooooNBU. He IS family.

My ILs treat my son just the same as if DP was his bio dad.

Be strong. It's a wonderful thing that you adopted your DS. I have serious respect for Foster/Adoptive parents.

RadioSilence Fri 23-Nov-12 21:12:38

Stick to your guns and stand up for your DS. Your mum is behaving disgracefully and if she cannot treat all of your children equally then you need to question your relationship with her.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

bradywasmyfavouriteking Fri 23-Nov-12 21:13:00

YANBU and she is being horrible and your SIl wants to keep her nose out.

Family is not always about blood. and being a blood relative means jack shit.
I am a big believer that blood means less than actions.

TBH I would consider taking it further and if she can't treat them the same I would limit contact.

It will be very damaging for him to grow up feeling second best and not a 'proper' relative of hers.

Does SIL have kids?

MikeLitoris Fri 23-Nov-12 21:13:07

No way would I let this happen.

In fact I would have to seriously consider if I wanted her in my life at all.

He is your son. She should treat him as such.

freddiefrog Fri 23-Nov-12 21:13:08

Definately not being unreasonable!

DH and I foster, come Christmas and birthdays, both our families treat our foster kids the same as our own kids.

littletreesmum Fri 23-Nov-12 21:13:15

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Fri 23-Nov-12 21:13:15

The first christmas DS was young enough not to notice. But he is 5 now so he may notice if everyone else has one and he doesn't.

StickEmUp Fri 23-Nov-12 21:13:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ginmakesitallok Fri 23-Nov-12 21:15:04

so so sad for your son having a shite granny like his. If your Mum can't treat your DC the same I wouldn't let her have contact never mind send them christmas presents

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Fri 23-Nov-12 21:15:06

SIL and DB have 3 DCs.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Fri 23-Nov-12 21:15:43

I am sorry, but you have 4 children, and if she can not accept this and treat all 4 equal, the she has no business in your lives. Sorry, you need to protect your son from this toxic and ignorant behavior.

What if you were not able to have biological children and he was your only child, would she neglect him then?

HKat Fri 23-Nov-12 21:16:09

YANBU. That is all. Your DM is being awful and cruel.

ENormaSnob Fri 23-Nov-12 21:16:35

Your mum is either thick as fuck or a cruel, selfish cunt.

Either way she wouldn't be seeing me or my dc again after this.

Pilgit Fri 23-Nov-12 21:16:39

YANBU! what a horrid attitude. he is your son. he is family.

pigletmania Fri 23-Nov-12 21:17:07

YANBU at all, what a cruel and nasty woman. You are right, stick to your guns. If she does buy for your children accept the boy than you give those presents straight back to her. That boy has done nothing wrong, He is a little child. Your mum is a first class bitch, sorry she is to treat a little boy like that

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Fri 23-Nov-12 21:17:10

We don't see her a lot anyway because she doesn't drive so we have to go and see her.

LucieMay Fri 23-Nov-12 21:17:24

What a nasty woman to behave in such a cold hearted way towards a little boy :-(

Fishandjam Fri 23-Nov-12 21:18:11

YANBU. You adopted him, therefore he is your son. Tell her it is cruel and divisive to discriminate against him just because he is not "blood" (sheesh, what a mediaeval concept...)

buickmackane Fri 23-Nov-12 21:20:12

I have a similar situation. Exh only buys decent presents for the 2dc we had whilst together and ds3 (born as we were splitting up) gets a token gesture sad. Want to tell him to treat them all the same or not bother at all. No child should be treated differently in any family.

TroublesomeEx Fri 23-Nov-12 21:20:27

That's disgusting.

My H and I have recently split up. I've remained on very good terms (thus far) with his mum and she has told me that she doesn't want to lose contact with either me or her first grandson (DS) or her only granddaughter (DD). DS is not her blood (from a prev relationship). But he is her family and she loves him and treats him as she does any of her grandchildren.

She fell out with my mother many years ago when my mother suggested that DS wasn't her 'real' grandchild.

You mother and SIL should be ashamed of themselves.

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