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to be annoyed that we are excluded

(177 Posts)
Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:06:18

Here comes the excuses, so far I've batted them back with good humour but its fading fast.
Been seeing someone on and off for a while, he spends time art mine, with my young kids etc.
Hes off to NEC with his son tomorrow who I havent met.
I just invited myself and DD to go to, as he knows we love motorbikes too.
Cue excuses.
So far we've had 'u know I'm going with DS', to which I replied 'oh sorry for confusion, I meant we all go then u see us and DS, win win, wharves time are u picking me up?' To which he replied 'told u I'm going with DS' to which I replied 'thats fine, can't wait to meet him. What time shall I be ready for' .....
I'm on a hiding to nothing ain't it?
How on earth do I salvage this?

JustFabulous Fri 23-Nov-12 18:38:52

You "let him see his son alone"?

Oh my.

WorraLiberty Fri 23-Nov-12 18:39:20

But you were wrong and if you can't admit that to him and apologise, I can't see why he would want to resolve it.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:39:22

I think its less to do with no wanting to introduce a woman to DS and more not wanting to introduce me to DS.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 23-Nov-12 18:39:47

I agree with grovel

This may or not be about you meeting his son, in general. You resolve that by talking to him and not making assumptions.

The fact this is a motorbike show, with teenage son and dad, is probably very relevant.

Doha Fri 23-Nov-12 18:39:59

CAn l ask how old you both are?

JustFabulous Fri 23-Nov-12 18:40:13

Grown ups admit when they were in the wrong.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:40:15

Justfab I didn't say that.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 23-Nov-12 18:41:09

You are probably joking, but if not, I'd say admitting when you are wrong is one of the most important qualities in a good partner

StrawberriesTasteLikeLipsDo Fri 23-Nov-12 18:41:26

How many bunnies are boiling on your hob, at the current time?

DontmindifIdo Fri 23-Nov-12 18:41:42

Well, are you making sure your DD does'nt bond with this man ? If you split up again will she understand where he's gone? Why are you bringing someone you have only been dating for a short while into your DD's life? He's not just a friend is he - she is old enough to get that. It might make you feel better to think it won't matter and she won't miss him if you split up, but that's not going to make it better.

Sorry if that upsets you, but really, he's being a good parent. holding off until you've been dating for a long time and are certain that its going to last before introducing your DCs (no matter how old they are) to your new partner is the best way to do it for the DCs - it might not be best for your relationship, but then that really should come second.

gordyslovesheep Fri 23-Nov-12 18:42:03

'on and off' means it's NOT serious ...NOT serious means you don't involve your kids - he sounds very sensible to me

you sound pushy - ergo YABU

tisnottheseasonyet Fri 23-Nov-12 18:42:59

How do you resolve it without admitting you were wrong? Stop playing childish games OP. You're either very immature or very manipulative. It has to be one of the two.

WorraLiberty Fri 23-Nov-12 18:42:59

I know you've known him for a long while but you've only been on TWO actual dates, haven't you? confused

He has every right to take things at his own pace regarding his son.

JustFabulous Fri 23-Nov-12 18:43:03

You did, at 18:22.

HairyGrotter Fri 23-Nov-12 18:43:22

You sound a bit mental, fair dos to the fella, I'd advise home to run

HairyGrotter Fri 23-Nov-12 18:43:50

*him...fucking iPad!

PumpkinPositive Fri 23-Nov-12 18:44:19

Come on, don't keep us in suspenders - what did his text say??

I would suggest dropping the deliberate misreading of his text messages.

IllageVidiot Fri 23-Nov-12 18:45:13


You invited yourself on a dad and son treat day out. Bad enough, you also want then to bring your much younger children which will change the dynamic completely. Worse still his son has never met any of you. DS is an adult and is perfectly within his rights to want to keep this day with his father to himself and if he doesn't want to meet you then that is also his right.

I'm not sure I would want to salvage anything with someone that tried to get me to choose between my son and them.
You then say he sees his son everyday - good, his son deserves a strong and loving relationship with his father regardles of his fathers dating choices.
If he only sees you once or twice a week then the thing that gives to make more time for your relationship should not be expected to be at the expense of his son, adult or not.

I think your actions are the worrying ones and you appear to be firmly in the wrong here, I would echo PPs concerns your children have a relationship with a man intermittently in their lives. To then be angry at him for not allowing you to intrude uninvited to a father/son day and be upset he didn't choose you over the feelings of his child, because you chose to 'be open' with your children is not a nice thing to read. Background and context are missing for me so excuse the lack of anything more constructive but it sounds like you need to look a bit closer to home for your answers.

NoraGainesborough Fri 23-Nov-12 18:45:23

I can't see anywhere in the OP where you said you screwed up. I can see you carrying on defending yourself.

Your relationship is 'off and on'. Its not serious. Even if it was he is under no obligation to you.

You want a grown up proper relationship with him and eventually meet his son?

You resolve it by apologising for being push and explain your feelings, then tell him you are happy to go at his pace.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:45:50

Because I don't think I am wrong.
Pushy - yes
But as someone said (sorry on page before) he probably doesn't want to introduce me because he doesn't see me as long term and I guess that's why I was pushy, I'd got wishy washy responses from him before when I'd mentioned his family and I thought I'd grab the bull by the horns.

chaya5738 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:47:31

As the daughter of someone who ALWAYS brought a girlfriend along whenever it was supposed to be his time for catching up with his children/spending time with us, I can say that you are MOST DEFINITELY being unreasonable. And your partner sounds very thoughtful towards his son albeit spineless with you. He is being unreasonable for not telling you straight up why you aren't invited.

NoraGainesborough Fri 23-Nov-12 18:48:35

OP at 18.37 you said I think I agreed in the original post that I'd screwed up big time and had my doubts about following it through.

now you are saying Because I don't think I am wrong.

So which is. you either screwed up or you are right.

You are getting wishy washy response because you have been on 2 dates. its not serious.

You are ensuring this doesn't go anywhere as well.

quoteunquote Fri 23-Nov-12 18:48:41

To be honest, having had an 18 year old son, and houseful of male teens, I can imagine that the lad will not be that interested, or overly pleased to have you around, generally they are not impressed by the adults in their lives having new relationships, they think it all a bit pointless, and tend to dislike change.

If you gate crash some prearranged father son time, you will be as popular as the pope in mecca, with someone who you have to form a good relationship with if you wish to continue the relationship with his father.

marchwillsoonbehere Fri 23-Nov-12 18:48:53

because he doesn't see me as long term and I guess that's why I was pushy

But how will being pushy get him to change his mind about seeing you as long term?

You also say you don't think you are wrong, just pushy. But surely being pushy PUTS you in the wrong?

chaya5738 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:49:20

And you aren't "grabbing the bull by the horns." You're being passive aggressive. Just ask him if he doesn't want you to meet his children. And then respect his answer.

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