Regular user gone anon for the usual reasons. Disclaimer; this will not be an easy or fluid read as I'm not quite sure how to get all I'm feeling put into words. This is also not a step child bashing thread, instead a thread about my DH and his behavior. My DSS and I have a very close and loving sibling like relationship.
My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years, married for 8 and have two daughters, aged 7 and 2. I am also currently pregnant with twins, including our first DS together.
DH already has DSS(18), who was born when DH was only 15. DH has been DSS sole carer since he was 10 months old, when DSS mother moved back to the US. As a result DH and DSS naturally formed a very close knit relationship and have literally grown up together. Their bond is so close that I some times feel like I'm living in a gender reversed Gilmore girls episode.
Throughout DSS childhood,DH perfected the combination of being both a mother and a father figure to DSS. Their relationship is much more characteristic of a mother-child relationship than a father-son one. Very close and very open. DSS has absolutely thrived in this environment, and as a result has grown up to be about as close to a perfect person as one can be; He's physically gorgeous, popular, intellectually brilliant as well as talented in arts, sports and music. In other words, any parents dream child (though he's not always the nicest or most modest of people, not that DH seems to mind)
On to my dilemma; When I found out that one of our babies was I boy I became very anxious. This has always been one of my fears as I just know that any DS will never be able to live up to DSS in DH eyes.
I finally approached DH about my fear last night and he pretty much confirmed that he doesn't believe that he would be able to bond with any of our children in the same way as DSS. He said that while he loves, and will love, all our children every bit the same as DSS ( I don't doubt this) He doesn't think it's realistic for me to expect him to bond in the same way with our DS, and that he's really just looking forward to being able to have a normal, everyday type relationship with our DS, and being able to leave the sensitive, maternal type love to me to deal with.
While I can appreciate the uniqueness of DH circumstances and parenting style with DSS, am I being unreasonable to be upset, and to be frank, Jealous that our DS will never experience the closeness, openness and friendship with his father that DSS has? AIBU to be scared that in 20 years time DS is going to be hurt when he see's them together and wonder why his father was never interested in having the same type of relationship with him that he does with his brother?
I know I must sound petty, and I know DH can't help feeling the way he does, but neither can I, and I already feel sorry for DS and he's not even born yet! I just don't know how to make DH see that while I know it's unreasonable to expect him to replicate the relationship I still think it's unfair that he doesn't even want to try and would be happy to be the average disciplinarian, old fart of a father with DS. I don't know what to do, it's making more depressed by the day.
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AIBU?
AIBU to be a bit sad that unborn son will never have the same bond with DH as DSS does?
35 replies
teenybluemoon · 22/11/2012 12:33
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