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AIBU to be a bit sad that unborn son will never have the same bond with DH as DSS does?

(36 Posts)
teenybluemoon Thu 22-Nov-12 12:33:57

Regular user gone anon for the usual reasons. Disclaimer; this will not be an easy or fluid read as I'm not quite sure how to get all I'm feeling put into words. This is also not a step child bashing thread, instead a thread about my DH and his behavior. My DSS and I have a very close and loving sibling like relationship.

My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years, married for 8 and have two daughters, aged 7 and 2. I am also currently pregnant with twins, including our first DS together.
DH already has DSS(18), who was born when DH was only 15. DH has been DSS sole carer since he was 10 months old, when DSS mother moved back to the US. As a result DH and DSS naturally formed a very close knit relationship and have literally grown up together. Their bond is so close that I some times feel like I'm living in a gender reversed Gilmore girls episode.

Throughout DSS childhood,DH perfected the combination of being both a mother and a father figure to DSS. Their relationship is much more characteristic of a mother-child relationship than a father-son one. Very close and very open. DSS has absolutely thrived in this environment, and as a result has grown up to be about as close to a perfect person as one can be; He's physically gorgeous, popular, intellectually brilliant as well as talented in arts, sports and music. In other words, any parents dream child (though he's not always the nicest or most modest of people, not that DH seems to mindhmm)

On to my dilemma; When I found out that one of our babies was I boy I became very anxious. This has always been one of my fears as I just know that any DS will never be able to live up to DSS in DH eyes.
I finally approached DH about my fear last night and he pretty much confirmed that he doesn't believe that he would be able to bond with any of our children in the same way as DSS. He said that while he loves, and will love, all our children every bit the same as DSS ( I don't doubt this) He doesn't think it's realistic for me to expect him to bond in the same way with our DS, and that he's really just looking forward to being able to have a normal, everyday type relationship with our DS, and being able to leave the sensitive, maternal type love to me to deal with.

While I can appreciate the uniqueness of DH circumstances and parenting style with DSS, am I being unreasonable to be upset, and to be frank, Jealous that our DS will never experience the closeness, openness and friendship with his father that DSS has? AIBU to be scared that in 20 years time DS is going to be hurt when he see's them together and wonder why his father was never interested in having the same type of relationship with him that he does with his brother?

I know I must sound petty, and I know DH can't help feeling the way he does, but neither can I, and I already feel sorry for DS and he's not even born yet! I just don't know how to make DH see that while I know it's unreasonable to expect him to replicate the relationship I still think it's unfair that he doesn't even want to try and would be happy to be the average disciplinarian, old fart of a father with DS. I don't know what to do, it's making more depressed by the day.

B1ueberryS0rbet Thu 22-Nov-12 12:36:44

Your son will have a twin, and two older sisters, and an older half brother.

goralka Thu 22-Nov-12 12:39:33

sure he will love him, but will not have the same relationship that he had with his firstborn son, because you will be his array of siblings as the previous poster said.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Thu 22-Nov-12 12:40:16

Of course he will bond with his baby boy. He sounds like a brilliant dad and so there is no reason why he wont be just as good with his new DS and his current one.

He can't possible imagine how he is gonna feel......I only have one DS and I always said that if I had had another child I couldnt possibly love them as much as I love my DS. I would of course, I just cannot imagine that at the moment.

mrskeithrichards Thu 22-Nov-12 12:40:37

Your dh sounds like he has, and still does, invest a lot of time and effort into ds. As any single parent would. Well all parents do but when double that has to come from one person it's easy to see why he's looking forward to sharing it more equally.

How is he with your daughters?

HappyJustToBe Thu 22-Nov-12 12:40:54

Children naturally have different relationships with their parents and if your DH tried to have the same relationship with your DS as your DSS then it may well feel very forced and end up becoming quite a strained relationship. Let your DH and DS bond naturally and although it is likely to be different that doesn't been it is worse.

I know it is hard once an idea becomes stuck in your head but I think if you can relax and let things develop naturally it will be easier.

squeakytoy Thu 22-Nov-12 12:42:21

"AIBU to be scared that in 20 years time DS is going to be hurt when he see's them together and wonder why his father was never interested in having the same type of relationship with him that he does with his brother?"

Yes you are, because your son will have a twin, he will have siblings to grow up with, as well as a big brother too.

It sounds like you are both over analysing, and worrying about things that will most likely not happen.

Nobody can predict what relationship each child will have with a parent.

LadyKinbote Thu 22-Nov-12 12:42:32

It's impossible to tell what the bond will be like until DS's personality starts to come through. DSS will always be his pfb but DS his baby. Also, don't underestimate the role your hormones are playing as you are naturally feeling very protective of DS at the moment.

Pandemoniaa Thu 22-Nov-12 12:45:53

I think you need to look at this the other way round. Would you genuinely be happy if your DH treated your DS as if he were a single parent? I suspect you'd be very hurt if you felt that they had an exclusive relationship or one in which you appeared to take second place.

Your DH sounds as if he's done a great job at raising your DSS under the circumstances in which he found himself. This time things are different and also, until your DS is born, all this talk about not bonding is hypothetical. It is difficult, I know but I'd suggest not overthinking this right now. You may be worrying yourself over absolutely nothing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 22-Nov-12 12:46:20

YABU... The only advantage DSS has is an 18 year head-start. Like a friend you've known for years vs someone you just met. There's a familiarity that takes time to develop. Plus your new baby is meeting DH as an older, wiser man... won't be subjected to so many parenting mistakes. An advantage, I'd have thought. I don't actually think your DH will be a different type of parent either. People tend to be very consistent. They don't consciously try to change their style for each child..

honeytea Thu 22-Nov-12 12:48:46

I think you need to look at what your DS will have over your DSS (not that it is a competition.) Your DS will have a loving caring mother. It sounds like the situation is vastly different now to how it was when your DSS was born, your DS will be one of 5 children in a 2 parent family, things will be different.

How does your DSS feel about his new brother? At 18 he is the perfect age to have a real impact on your DS's life. I have a sister 18 years younger than me and we are about as close as you can be without being parent/child.

Your DP sounds like he has done an amazing job with DSS, but realistically do you want to feel like you are in the "sibling" roll with your own son? You are your son's mother he doesn't need his father to mother him.

Step families are hard but I think it is actually harder for the parents, I have a step father and step siblings and really things can never be 100% fair because we are all individuals but so long as each child has enough and there is no one left wanting for love then it will work out.

ElaineBenes Thu 22-Nov-12 12:50:28

Also your ds won't see his brother as a peer and compare experiences. He's 18 years older. Your ds will only know the adult relationship between your dss and dh.

Teabagtights Thu 22-Nov-12 12:51:54

I agree with the other comments here, you are seriously over thinking this, his relationship with each of his children will be different as they get older due to the nature of their personalities.

His own child is far older than any of yours and the bond they have now as it has matured is more of a close friendship.

That only comes with time.

Whilst we always love our children it is not always the case that we like them, the same with any other member of our family.

I actually like my children and their personalities, but in relationships with men Ive loved them but not always liked them as it were due to their personality and our clashes.

I suggest enjoying the birth of your twins and watching the relationships unfold within your family without over thinking things.

Be glad that you have such a wonder husband as a father to your children.

He has you now to do the nuturing, the motherly stuff, his first born never had that so he had to be both mother and father to his own child.

In some respects Id wonder if you were jealous of their relationship.

Whoknowswhocares Thu 22-Nov-12 12:54:26

You already have 2 daughters together? Are you not equally bothered that they do not have this special bond with their dad?
If not, why not? Not meaning to be confrontational btw, just curious

iwillsleepagainsomeday Thu 22-Nov-12 12:55:36

YABU but I can understand your worries.

you really cannot compare the situations. DH was different then to how he now is, DSS is another child with different character from your DS and the situation into which your DS will be born is totally different from the one your DSS found himself into when young. So "the outcome" will in any case be different. The bond will surely be there and will develop to be very strong, but it will NOT be THE SAME as how DH relates to DSS just as I relate differently but equally intensively to DD then to DS just because they are different.

FWIW, three years ago I was not happy to know I was expecting a DS2 rather than a second daughter just because I was anxious to repeat the non-relationship I had with my younger brother. However, I quickly experienced that my DS is totally different from my DB and that I am different from my mum as well as DH is different from my father. So really.... you can never compare.

NotaDisneyMum Thu 22-Nov-12 12:56:02

Wow - what an amazing man your DH sounds, OP!

A man like that will never be anything other than a fantastic Dad smile Each of his DCs will have their own special, unique relationship with him - your DS will grow up with an amazing family around him, and fantastic role models in both his Dad and older brother, too smile

Congratulations and good luck!

CelstialNavigation Thu 22-Nov-12 12:57:29

You already have 2 daughters with your DH. Do you have any concerns over how he parents them? I would not view this so strictly along gender lines to be honest.

missymoomoomee Thu 22-Nov-12 12:57:55

It was really unfair of you to ask your DH to compare his children, you haven't asked him to do it with your daughters so why his sons?

He has answered you in the best an most honest way he could given the difficulty of the question and it seems like you have heard him confirming your worst fears, whereas what it seems he has said is that he will love them both the same but have different relationships with them both.

I have different relationships with my children because they all need me for different reasons but I love them all equally, I imagine most parents are the same.

Runoutofideas Thu 22-Nov-12 12:59:44

I like to think of it as when you light a candle from another candle, neither flame burns less brightly because there are now 2 candles.....

I am the equivalent of the DSS in this scenario, although brought up by both parents (divorced). My father went on to have further children much later in life than your DH and we all have a strong bond. It is a different relationship with my youngest sister as there is a 20yr age gap, but I still love her to bits. She treats me as a kind of motherly sister - not a peer, but not her mum, which may be unusual but is a valid strong relationship in its own right.

Your family will build the relationships which work for all of you - don't try to force it to be something different just value it for what it is.

SamSmalaidh Thu 22-Nov-12 13:03:31


Loving your children equally doesn't mean you have exactly the same relationship with them - I have a different relationship with my mum than to my dad, my brother has a different relationship with them than I do.

Haven't you worried about your DH's relationship with your daughters? Why does it matter so much with your son?

reddwarf Thu 22-Nov-12 13:10:20

you really need to stop looking at your unborn ds relationship with his father in 18 years time (wtf?) and accept that maybe you are being (more than a little bit) bonkers about this.

Your dh will have a relationship with your ds, and you need to just stop over thinking. You sound totally weird tbh, but I understand being preganant can make yoyu a bit of a worrier. Please accept that this is an unneccessary and fruitless concern and let it go. If you start worrying about it, tell yourself to stop and make a conscious dicision not to think about it.

maddening Thu 22-Nov-12 13:12:15

In 20 yrs dss will likely have his own family - ds will possibly be an uncle and dh a gp - lots is going to happen in those years - enjoy the adventure!

CailinDana Thu 22-Nov-12 13:16:04

Your DH did something amazing. You should admire him greatly for that. To raise a child single handedly from age 15 and do it well is a huge huge achievement. In your shoes I think I would be in awe of DH and extremely pleased that I had bagged such a capable loving man. Of course his relationship with his new DS won't be the same - the circumstances are entirely different. In contrast your new DS will have a mum, dad and siblings. I'd imagine there is some pain in your DSS's heart that his mother left him and that will never be healed. I wouldn't ever wish that on a child.

Out of interest, why are you not concerned about your daughters? To be honest you sound territorial - you want your DS to be "the" son and he won't be. Do you daughters not deserve this deep relationship too?

Queenmarigold Thu 22-Nov-12 13:20:37

It will be a different relationship because it's different circumstances; but try not to worry - remember that lovely feeling of love when you hold them for the first time - your H will fall in love with both his new babies just as he did the first time round. He sounds like an amazing dad - and he's probably worried about his son himself because his son didn't grow up with a mother and sisters like your twins will. Try not to pre-empt what may never happen, just concentrate on growing two healthy babies

linoleum Thu 22-Nov-12 13:22:56

Ok, this is incredibly patronising, but calm down honey! You're pregnant, this is the hormones talking. All will be well - your DH sounds like an amazing bloke and a great dad, and sounds like little DT boy will have a super dad and big brother to grow up with.

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