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To want to stay at home for Xmas ( as originally planned) ?

(15 Posts)
poshfrock Thu 22-Nov-12 12:32:28

Ok so a bit of background. DH and I have 3 kids in total – 2 from previous relationships and 1 joint. Traditionally ( ie the last 10 years) we have alternated Xmas with the kids’ other parents so one with all 3 at ours and the next with just us and our DC. We like it like this and have never felt the need to do anything different. We see my family on Boxing Day and DH’s family the day after. This always seems to work well for everyone. We have never been invited to spend Xmas with DH’s family – his sister usually hosts DH’s parents and her own ILs.

So this year we have our 3 kids and as usual planned Xmas at home with a trip to see my family on BD ( 90 min drive), stay over and then see DH family on 27th ( 40 mins from my family) and then drive home ( 2 hours).
Last night MIL calls out of the blue and asks us over to theirs on Xmas Day but in same breath tells us we can’t actually stay at theirs as DSIL and her family are staying so no room. DH explains that in this case it would mean either:
a)A 4 hour round trip to them and back on Xmas Day with 3 overexcited kids ( 2 of whom are very travel sick) with one of us not being able to have a drink, and then having to do a further 90 mins to see my family on BD ( and thus spending twice as much on petrol); or
b)We stay in the nearest hotel which is 5 miles from them so need to pay for 2/3 hotel rooms and taxis ( or again someone doesn’t drink) which we can‘t afford and don’t really fancy.

DH said MIL sounded a bit upset so he left it that he would talk about it with me. I asked why we couldn’t stay at theirs – I appreciate the guest room is taken but they have 2 sitting rooms and we don’t mind sleeping bags and airbeds – he just said she hadn’t offered. He put it to her that she wouldn’t want to do 4 hours of driving on Xmas Day ( and not drink) if the situation were reversed and she said they would just book a hotel. Fair enough, there is a very good one a ten minute walk from our house but there is only the two of them and they are quite comfortable financially ( 2-3 hols a year including always a big one to US/Canada/Australia etc in recent years). And besides we have sufficient room for them to stay at ours if that were the case.

I know she wants DH to call back with an answer asap. He’s quite torn because we have never spent Xmas with them and I think he would like to but logistically it’s going to be horrendous.

AIBU to want to just do as we planned? We will still see them just not on Xmas Day.

BTW actually we did invite them to spend Xmas with us about 8 years ago when I was pregnant with DC. DH was working Xmas Day and the older kids were at their other parents so I was going to be alone. I was 6 months pregnant and didn’t want to drive to my parents alone (too far) and at the time my Mum was too ill to travel herself. So we asked DILs as DH would be home around 4pm so we could all be together in the evening. We asked in Sept and they said yes. About 3 weeks before Xmas DH was talking to MIL and she mentioned gong to DSIL’s. DH reminded her she was supposed to be coming to ours. She said she couldn’t remember and that it was too late now as she had already promised DSIL. She refused to change her plans. I spent Xmas alone.

Pinkforever Thu 22-Nov-12 12:36:40

YANBU-tell them to fuck off! seriously I had 16 years of mil's shit at xmas and was only able to stand up to her last year. This tear dh hasnt even put up a fight about us staying at homegrin

Ullena Thu 22-Nov-12 12:39:43

Could they pay for you to get a taxi there and back on the day as your xmas present?

goodygumdrops Thu 22-Nov-12 12:44:10

YANBU but, could you go and then stay with your family Christmas night ready for boxing day?

coppertop Thu 22-Nov-12 12:44:51

Stick to your original plans.

MIL obviously has no qualms about turning down an invitation from you, so you shouldn't feel obliged to accept her invitation.

LemonBreeland Thu 22-Nov-12 12:58:02

YANBU stick to your plans. She has never invited you before and it is quite late to be making Christmas plans. It does not sound like an enjoyable Christmas for you at all.

LindyHemming Thu 22-Nov-12 13:00:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChaoticismyLife Thu 22-Nov-12 13:12:16


girlywhirly Thu 22-Nov-12 13:13:41

I think you should do as you had already planned. If they can't accommodate you overnight and aren't amenable to using a sitting room as a temporary bedroom for you it was rather rash to invite you all! I don't think that MIL had thought it through properly. Also unfair to the car sick DC if you have to drive there and back in one day, even if they take medication. They might not want to go anyway, preferring to stay at home for Christmas day.

The only other option if it is possible, drive to ILs Christmas morning, stay overnight in Sitting room on camp beds, go to your parents from there Boxing morning, go home 27th. Shorter journeys, opportunity for a drink each day and see everyone. Only the dealbreaker here is you need to stay at IL's and not in a hotel. Or if MIL insists she can't put you up, would it be possible to leave theirs after lunch on Christmas day and go to your parents, then be able to drink when you get there, assuming it would be OK with them, stay overnight with them.

Obviously the above will involve others and they may need to alter their arrangements to fit you in which might not be possible. I appreciate DH's dilemma, but feel your family's needs must come first. As you say, the IL's will still see you on 27th.

NutellaNutter Thu 22-Nov-12 13:16:16

Tell them to f right off. Seriously.

DuelingFanjo Thu 22-Nov-12 13:22:53

Just get DH to say no and repeat all his reasons for not doing it.

I would question why this has suddenly become YOUR decision. Obviously he needs to discuss it with you but it sounds like he's making it your fault that you have to say no.

Can't you just say 'I want to spend Christmas like we usually do so no thank you' rather than go all around the houses making excuses about why you can't manage the trip?

Out of interest is your DH suggesting that you do a 4 hour trip or is he happy for you all to book a hotel? What's his solution to all the travel stuff?

poshfrock Thu 22-Nov-12 14:19:49

Thanks for all the suggestions.

When I said we go to family it's not my parents ( see recent thread on dogs for why). We go to my brother's who hosts a do for me and my siblings, partners and kids ( on camp beds, sleeping bags etc). He has the largest house and lives most centrally to everyone. He will be spending his Xmas Day with his ILs so we can't really turn up a day early.

Ullena - it's 150 miles each way on Xmas Day so I think a taxi is out of the question. And what taxi driver wants two kids being sick in their cab ?
Dueling Good point. He does this quite a lot so he can try and abdicate responsibility and tell his Mum well I would do it but XX says no. He definitely doesn't want to drive any more than I do. He thinks that if we plead (genuine) poverty they may offer to pay for the hotel but who wants to spend Xmas Day evening in a hotel ? It also means that kids will have to stay up until we're ready to go or we'll have to leave early so they can go to bed when they're shattered ( about 9pm). And someone has still got to pay for the taxis to the hotel unless one of us doesn't drink ALL DAY.

2rebecca Thu 22-Nov-12 14:23:24

"Thanks for the invite but no thanks, we have plans for this xmas already. We'll see you on the 27th, thank you for thinking of us"
She has loads of folk round already, it's an invite not a court summons.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Thu 22-Nov-12 14:32:23

It sounds like your DH said the right thing - he shouldn't feel bad that his mum sounded a little upset. You should stick to plan A.

DuelingFanjo Thu 22-Nov-12 14:35:58

is your DH prepared to be the one who stays sober all day?

If not then I recon he's on to a loser and he needs to just say no.

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