To wish DP didn't leave it all to me.(14 Posts)
I am furious and fed up. Whenever the car needs servicing, or new tyres, or some diy needs done, or one of the DC need their eyes tested, or the cat needs to visit the vet, or we need some new furniture (etc etc) guess who a) notices b) thinks about what needs to be done c) organises it and mostly d) pays for it?
DP just stands there stroking his chin and saying things like "oh yes it does look like we need to get a plumber in" I wouldn't mind so much if he mostly did all the other domestic things but he doesn't. He thinks because he fills the dishwasher, makes cups of tea, remembers to bring home milk and bread if we run out, empties the bin (about half the time) and irons his own shirts he is a wonderful equal partner.
He doesn't plan or do the main shopping, or cook most meals, he doesn't wash bedding or towels or anything that isn't clothes. He has never cleaned a toilet or sorted a cupboard, or sort out the recycling, I could go on but it's a bit tedious. He is rubbish at DIY too.
He is otherwise quite nice but it doesn't seem enough these days. I am tired, stressed at work, fed up with teenage DC and a household to look after. I have a rant every few months and he looks hurt and says just ask me and I'll do it but if I do he often grumbles and sighs whilst he does and it's so irritating.
Ok I should leave the bastard shouldn't I?
Do you not have a joint account for household stuff?
When you have your rant do you actually list all the things he doesn't seem to realise need doing?
Have you tried writing out a list of jobs that need to be done daily/weekly/monthly, and asking him which half he intends to do?
If/when he's still being useless after that lot, leave the bastard
the thing is, if you keep doing the same thing, you will get the same result
You need to sit down calmly with him. No-one responds well to a rant - don't let it get to that stage.
Explain how you feel and what you need from him. Could you draw up a list of his 'n' her jobs?
Once he's taken something on, you need to let him get on with it. The way DH hangs out washing makes me clench my jaw and my fists, but I say nothing. Just because it's not done the (perfect) way I would do it doesn't mean it's not a good enough job.
If he balls it up, he'll learn how to get better at it. If you step in, he'll let you take over again.
Wow - he fills the dishwasher, makes cups of tea, remembers to bring home milk and bread if you run out, empties the bin (about half the time) and irons his own shirts?
He's a keeper!
Wow, I hope he has some good point to make up for that level of ineptitude!
Don't forget your teenage dc should be doing their share too. I don't expect they do though...not with the example they have probably been set all their lives.
I agree about writing a list of everything that needs to be done and divide it up between you saving some for DC (maybe the ones you're not too bothered about ) taking into account working hours. If you really get stuck in this will be pages & pages long and highlighting the
pitiful few your DH currently does might make him realise what a lazy hit he's been. And please PLEASE whatever you do, if you give him a job, don't comment on the way he's doing it or do it if he doesn't.
I write lists every week. Each family member has their own tasks and i leave it in a prominent position on the table. Now, i'm not saying they all get done, but more do than if i suck it up and try and do everything myself.
You're enabling him. If you want him to do something, don't do it yourself. I stopped doing the laundry, cooking, organising workmen and cleaning in our house. Now DH has hired a cleaner and we eat out more often, everyone's happy .
I don't mind doing big purchases because that's shopping, and I like shopping. But I always put his card details in at the online checkout. Really no need for you to be paying for everything when you have a DP.
A list sounds appealing. Especially making it long, maybe even breaking some lengthy tasks into subtasks (perhaps with weighting) would be good. And then, asking him to highlight his. I shall try this.
I know ranting is not good, I'm inclined to not bother so much at the time but then it all builds up without me realising. I think my memory is a bit rubbish (menobrain) so I forget all the things I do usually, then periodically remember!
Eldest DD is actually very good but I believe there are whole colonies of new bacteria growing under DS's bed now. He does of course have an excellent role model. Youngest DD is ok sometimes but having a hard time at school.
I'm not too fussy when he does a job, though. It's him who goes around sighing and muttering! Which he denies. Of course. Thanks for your replies and the opportunity to vent on here before I spontaneously combusted!
Off to find a pen.
You need to enlighten him as to his misconception of what constitutes an equal partner.
My DH is bad at the small stuff and things involving interactions with other people, so he has a set list of stuff that he does and sticks to, including housework, and I'm the flexible one. We have a joint account so that we both pay for stuff, and his contribution to that is larger than mine although we earn the same, because I respond to daily and weekly issues whereas he manages better if he plans ahead.
Get it clear in your head first, and then go and change what's happening.
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