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AIBU To ask MIL to not smoke in her own house?

(92 Posts)
SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 12:02:22

Just a bit of back story, me and my partner have a 14 week old baby... We were living in a bedsit (which we are still renting, but not staying in) which has damp. My MIL suggested we move in to her house for the sake of my babies health - All the while making out she would not be smoking in the house saying things like 'Maybe it will give me a kick up the bum to quit having to smoke outside everytime I want a cigerette' and 'I'm quiting after this last pack' and 'It'll be nice not having the house smell of smoke... For the first 2 days of living back here she didn't smoke inside the house (baring in mind she works nights sometimes and so isn't always here, but gradually it's becomming more and more and I can smell it in the whole of the house. Had I known it would be like this I wouldnt have gone to the ENORMOUS effort of moving all of our things and decorating a room for us to move into. I've asked my partner to have a word with her and ask her to no longer smoke in the house, but he is very aprehensive as he and his mother have a very 'polite' relationship and never argue or confront eachother.

I'm tempted to just move out and go back to our bedsit as after research it seems like smoke in the house is actually more damaging and dangerous than damp to a baby...

So AIBU to ask her to not smoke in her own house given the situation

Bongaloo Tue 20-Nov-12 12:05:44

There must be some way of quitting the uninhabitable bedsit and finding somewhere else.

DontmindifIdo Tue 20-Nov-12 12:08:23

Have you contacted the council to see if they can offer you anywhere else other than a damp bedsit? Or, assuming you have ended your tenancy there, can you not look for other properties?

Bongaloo Tue 20-Nov-12 12:12:29

& I think you might be in a better position with the council if you haven't the option of lodging at your MIL's

whoopwhoopbib Tue 20-Nov-12 12:13:27

Yanbu she mentiomed giving up smoking before you moved in, had she of said 'I still plan to smoke 60 a day whilst you are here' then you wbu.

If you are only going to live there for a short time then I can't see how it can be too much to ask of her.

WhenShallWeThreeKingsMeetAgain Tue 20-Nov-12 12:20:08

You knew she smoked before you moved in. She didn't say she was stopping. Her house, her rules. YABU.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Tue 20-Nov-12 12:25:38

I read the title and was all for saying YABU but on reading your thread actually I dont think you

If she has to smoke cant she just go outside and do it...lots of people smoke nowadays but it is becoming more common for people not to smoke in their homes.

When - I think she did say she would stop.

N0tinmylife Tue 20-Nov-12 12:28:21

YANBU, she said she was going to stop smoking in the house. I would move back out if that is an option!

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 12:32:04

Whenshallwethreekings meet again she DID say she was stopping... first of all she said she would smoke outside and then said she would stop ^^ read the OP... It is only for a short while as it takes a while to get a council place... Obviously in an ideal world we would have somewhere to move to of our own that didn't have damp, but lives just not that easy especially this close to christmas. I feel as though had she not made out she was quitting we wouldnt have moved in in the first place - can people make sure they read the whole post before replying please

MakeItALarge Tue 20-Nov-12 12:32:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dreamingofsun Tue 20-Nov-12 12:37:44

have a quiet word and explain the LT health risks for her granchild. So she knows its not just the fact that everything stinks.

Current guidance also suggests that she shouldn't touch the baby for 1 hour after smoking and change her top and wash....from what i remember.

both my husband and BIL have asthma. You obviously wouldn't want her to feel in years to come that she was responsible for this - though my MIL likes to kid herself it was all sorts of other things that caused this rather than sitting in black clouds of smoke as babies/children.

if she's doing this already it will only get worse and what happens in future - do you plan to visit her house?

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 12:42:06

SHE was the one who suggested we move in for babies health due to damp in our flat, she then made out she would not be smoking in the house, which fuled our decision to move back in with her as we lived with her before I got pregnant... Had I know she was going to smoke in the house I would have made the decision not to as I feel smoking is more damaging and it also doubles the chance of cot death because of the high levels of carbon monoxide - I want to move back into my bedsit if she won't smoke outside. My partner spoke to her about 10 minutes ago and she got all moody - Even though she shouldnt have told us she would smoke outside and that she was going to quit. I feel like we moved in here on false pretences and it was a lot of effort to move with such a young baby. Me and my partner both quit smoking for the sake of our child and now it feels pointless if he is just going to be exposed to it anyway :/

Bongaloo Tue 20-Nov-12 12:43:16

We've all read the OP, OP.
But when it comes to quitting nicotine you just have to believe it when you see it. It is very, very hard. She is a smoker and you knew that.
It doesn't matter really whether YABU or YANBU, the fact of it is - she smokes.

Bongaloo Tue 20-Nov-12 12:44:42

Ah. then you understand it's hard.
Well done you 2.

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 12:44:54

Well its not like me and my partner dont know we used to smoke a lot - I have now quit. It is her grandson and we moved in on the basis that there would not be smoking in the house

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 12:45:17

whether she quits or not - its about it being in the house

atacareercrossroads Tue 20-Nov-12 12:52:33

YABU to accept her hospitality and then have the brass balls to moan about her smoking in her own home!

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 12:58:54

but we ONLY moved in on the basis of her not smoking? Had she not said she would smoke outside we wouldnt have accepted her hospitality :/

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 13:04:12

and to be honest I don't think its very hospitable to invite someone to your home on false pretenses with the reason being 'your home has damp and so isn't nice for your child' and then to think smoking in the same house as a 14week old okay - Surely if you're the one suggesting the move because of health reasons its not unreasonable to think it a bit out of order of them to then smoke knowing for a fact that is super unhealthy for a baby

Wheresmycaffeinedrip Tue 20-Nov-12 13:06:37

Yanbu. Just because someone is doing u a favour doesn't mean they have the right to put your babies health at risk. And severely so.

If she told u she would smoke outside then thats what she should do. Same as anything else. I'm sure if u told her you would cook dinner tonight and you didn't she would be a bit cross that she then had to go out and buy something after being promised she wouldn't have to. X

Blu Tue 20-Nov-12 13:07:14

YANBU, she went back on her word, she is now responding badly to being asked not to smoke, so I think you have no option but to move back to your bedsit asap.
And then start looking for something else as soon as you can.

It must be very frustrating, but you don't really have a choice, do you?

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 13:11:54

After a bit of coersion she has agreed to smoke outside - but very begrudgingly, but to be honest I don't care if it has annoyed her, as IMO she has put my babies health at risk because she decided to lie and let us move in properly before actually smoking in the house -whenever we used to visit she smoked outside etc and the first couple of days she smoked outside, slowly but surely smoking inside is becomming more frequent. My partner feels very upset by this as he feels like she isn't quite grasping how dangerous it can be to a babies health, it weakens immune systems, lungs and causes more infections (of which my baby can be more prone to apparently because he has a cleft lip) I dont know why that means he gets more infections but that's what health professionals have said. I do my best to make sure he is healthy and well and just feel like my control over that situation is compromised because of someone going back on their word

crazycanuck Tue 20-Nov-12 13:13:56

OP YANBU at all. She offered under false pretences and I don't blame you for being upset. Yes it is hard to quit but it's not hard to smoke outside. And if you offer for someone to stay at your house with a 14 week old baby and you promise not to smoke in the house and then you do so anyway, it takes a fair amount of cheek to get moody about it when confronted, your house or no. I'd do my best to find alternative accommodation if I were you.

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 13:15:04

Luckily we had out points through from the council today, but doubt we'll get anywhere before christmas now :c

Wheresmycaffeinedrip Tue 20-Nov-12 13:17:08

I hope you can get something sorted very soon so u can move out.
I know how stressful these things can be. Many think cigarettes and kids is trivial. I don't . Just because the effects aren't instant they think the asthma three years down the line is unrelated.

Won't kill her to smoke outside, yeah it pissed her off but she's an adult , u have a baby to consider. I wish u luck ! smile

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