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To boycott mil's wedding?

(23 Posts)
Dylanlovesbaez Mon 19-Nov-12 21:19:42

Mil is having a totally over the top second wedding. I can't stand her or her creepy husband to be who insists on being called grandpa to 6mo dddeapit only being with mil just over a year.
An old friend has recently got engaged And there's been a cancellation on her dream venue-the same day! Feck! Neither dp or I want to go to mil's wedding but would cause so much stress. What do we do?

Startail Mon 19-Nov-12 21:24:56

You go and you smile, one day you will be stuck for a baby sitter and you'll be glad you did.

First law of having DCs, don't fall out with family unless you have no option.

Anonymumous Mon 19-Nov-12 21:26:15

I don't think you should use the term 'boycott' - that's a bit strong. And TBH I would think that a family wedding would take priority over a friend's, particularly if the latter was arranged after the family wedding. I think if my sons refused to come to my wedding on that basis I would be pretty devastated to be honest.

But hey-ho, I don't know the ins and outs and ups and downs of your relationships, or why you don't get on with MIL, or why you think her husband-to-be is creepy, or why your DP doesn't want to go. So I can't say that you are being unreasonable - only that you will be doing something potentially very hurtful.

larks35 Mon 19-Nov-12 21:26:40

YABU. For me family come before friends but then I do have a good relationship with mine and DP's family. In-laws are only in-laws to me, they are also my DC's blood relations and to me that means a lot.

Your MIL's wedding was scheduled on that date before your friend's, I think that alone is enough to dictate which one you go to. WRT your MIL "creepy" htb calling himself grandpa, well I think it is kind sweet and probably a reflection on how much he loves your MIL and her family. Is your DP's dad still living? Is that the cause of your discomfort about this wedding?

cozietoesie Mon 19-Nov-12 21:27:48

Go, say you can't sit at the top table (if there is one) because of DD's age, and stitch a sweet smile in place. Afterwards is another day.

AMumInScotland Mon 19-Nov-12 21:33:09

I think you need to separate out the idea of "boycotting" it because of dislikes/creepiness, and the fact that you have a more tempting offer.

If your friend had not changed her wedding to the same date, would you have just gone along to MILs wedding and smiled politely? If so, then I think you should just carry on and do that now. Having a better offer is not a good reason for pulling out of something after you've accepted the invitation.

If you were really genuinely thinking of not going anyway then that's different, though I think you'll be making waves where there don't need to be any - she is your DPs mother and should reasonably be able to expect her close family to turn up unless you are on not-speaking terms or had some really major practical difficulties in getting there.

mummydarkling Mon 19-Nov-12 21:33:28

Yes I agree, family first even annoying in-laws. I am envious that you have a man in your life who really wants to a grandfather to your dc. My Dad is dead and my FiL is not a warm personality.....go to the wedding, count your blessings.

BerylStreep Mon 19-Nov-12 21:34:02

Yep, go to Mil's wedding. Can you go to friend's evening do?

CrapBag Mon 19-Nov-12 21:36:23

If your DP doesn't want to go to his own mums wedding, then I would go with that tbh. Its his family and follow his lead.

missymoomoomee Mon 19-Nov-12 21:37:03

Go to Mil's wedding, make your excuses and leave early and go to your friends evening do. I'm not sure what the back story is but I think its quite sweet he wants to be grandpa to your dc.

Dylanlovesbaez Mon 19-Nov-12 21:46:07

Thanks for responses.
They are too far away to go to both.
The pair of them have spent no more than a couple of hours with dd and she is never a priority, his daughter is and they 'fit us in' when they visit her. It may sound silly but I don't think he's 'earned' grandpa, dp's dad and my dad are her grandads and would do anything for us whereas mil and her partner would not. It's all a very long, tangled story with lots of deceit and hurt caused by mil but nobody ever seems to stand up to her.
We are totally dreading it and its frustrating that the only outcome makes us unhappy but I guess that's family!
I know in my heart of hearts we need to go to her wedding but its quite heartbreaking to be missing the wedding of a very good friend who lives far away and I miss dearly.
With the grandpa thing too, they are both showy, they never even ask how dd is so I just think that grandpa comes with a bit of responsibility.

BerylStreep Mon 19-Nov-12 21:59:39

Well if you really really want to go to your friend's wedding ... There is a dreadful vomiting bug going round ...

But you know that's not a Good Thing To Do.

HissyByName Mon 19-Nov-12 22:04:49

If you go to the MIL wedding, her behaviour will not change towards you and your DP, or your baby. CErtainly not for the better. So do what suits you.

You can see your MIL before or afterwards, so do what you WANT to do.

Flip a coin.

Dylanlovesbaez Mon 19-Nov-12 22:04:55

Oh berylstreep if only! Wish we were braver really and told her what we really think. She's already trying to dictate what dd will be wearing and telling us who she will be walking down the aisle with. Errrr, what?,

HazelnutinCaramel Mon 19-Nov-12 22:04:57

Well, there is clearly a history there. All I would say is that if you don't go, you are making a massive statement and you need to have thought through all the consequences of that if you're going to do it.

If she does things that are deceitful and hurtful, then you need to do something at the time. You say no-one stands up to her - why don't you be the one?

Dylanlovesbaez Mon 19-Nov-12 22:06:35

hissy that's what I think. Her behaviour is not going to change, if anything she will get worse.

Dylanlovesbaez Mon 19-Nov-12 22:09:09

hazelnut I don't really feel its my place to. It would hurt dp and make things harder for him. I agree, I think it's a massive statement and maybe we should do things one at a time. Dp always says, we aren't going there for Xmas, not staying there etc but then backs down. Now dd is involved I'm hoping things will change.

HissyByName Mon 19-Nov-12 22:14:31

You don't have to reason with them, there is no point, they will never turn around and realise that you have a point. Even if you really DO.

You can't win, so stop playing.

If things are SO bad that you think EVERY YEAR about not going for Christmas, then it's bad. You have a DD now, so this year you are having your OWN christmas as a family, they can come and see YOU on Boxing day if they like.

When is the wedding btw? after christmas? if so, then that makes it a LOT easier, get your solo christmas out of the way, and then just stick to your guns.

Time to set your own family boundaries, you know you both support one another and you know you are doing it for the right reasons.

squeakytoy Mon 19-Nov-12 22:15:48

But what does your DP (her son) think of it all? Does he want to go?

HissyByName Mon 19-Nov-12 22:16:20

Once you say 'Actually, we are having christmas at home this year' all you then have to do is repeat, It's OUR turn to have a family christmas now. over and over.

No is a complete sentence, that doesn't work for us... all the trusty MN phrases are here for you to hold onto what you want.

Dylanlovesbaez Mon 19-Nov-12 22:34:38

hissy it's after Christmas. We had christmas just the two of us last year as we don't drive and dp's parents are a looooooong train ride away with several changes and I just didn't fancy it whilst pregnant. Mil didn't visit us at all, her and partner travelled to very close by to pick up his daughter but didn't visit.
squeakytoy dp doesn't want to go, he's embarrassed by the whole thing and doesn't want to play at happy families. Mil buys her partner presents and cards on our behalf and then we get thanked which is just weird!
I think we will have to go to the wedding but we make our own decisions. Dd wears what we choose and sits with us. She will be just one!
Thanks for the phrases, I will be using them.

Dylanlovesbaez Mon 19-Nov-12 22:35:53

squeakytoy I really try and get him to spend time with her, ring her etc but he won't. She's caused him and family so much hurt.

HissyByName Mon 19-Nov-12 22:55:27

Put yourselves first.

Christmas is just you, again, same as last year, and tbh, if they ignore you again, you will be well within your rights to flounce off about the wedding ;)

Turn it around back on them! grin

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