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Actually, I think my sis is being selfish and unreasonable

(142 Posts)
BerylStreep Mon 19-Nov-12 18:29:05

My Mum who is retired and lives on her own is really unwell. She has been hospitalised, and has since been discharged, but still very poorly, while she waits for a procedure which she will be in about 3 or 4 months time.

Me and 2 other siblings have been caring for Mum since she became ill about 6 weeks ago - calling every day to prepare meals, do dishes, laundry, shopping, make cups of tea, have a chat etc. Even when she was in hospital there was a fair amount in terms of laundry, visits etc. We all have DC, jobs etc, but it is no problem to do it as we are all really worried about Mum. Another sibling has even flown home from abroad to help out.

Mum is finding it really hard to get up and down stairs - thank goodness she installed a downstairs bathroom a couple of years ago. Yesterday she said she was thinking of buying a 3 seater sofa so that if she is too unwell to go up to bed, she can stretch out on a longer sofa and sleep on it (she only has a 2 seater sofa at the moment).

We have a further sibling, the baby of the family, who works abroad - let's call her Barbara. She is single with no DC. She moved out of her flat here about 8 years ago, and moved abroad to study, and now works abroad - it is unlikely she will ever return to live here. She has used 2 of the bedrooms in my Mum's house to store her furniture and possessions since then, making these 2 rooms unusable, but Mum doesn't mind.

When Mum said yesterday about buying a sofa, I immediately thought of Barbara's 3 seater sofa which has been in one of the bedrooms for the last 8 years. This would be a perfect solution, as Mum isn't even well enough to go shopping for a sofa, doesn't really have the income to be able to afford it (would be using savings), and probably only needs to use it for about 6 months until she has had her procedure and recovered. I suggested this to Mum, who said she would ask Barbara.

So today I was speaking to one of my siblings, who told me Mum had asked Barbara if she would be able to use her sofa. Mum had given assurances that she would care for it, use throws etc. Barbara has said no, she doesn't want Mum to use it.

[Mouth hangs open] Un-fucking-believable. So, is she being unreasonable?

BerylStreep Tue 27-Nov-12 16:59:35

Everyone is coming to my house on Christmas day. They always do. It would be completely out of order to exclude her, 2 wrongs not making a right and all that. Having said that, I am not prepared to pander to her usual dietary requests this year, such as making a special dish of braised cabbage just because Barbara likes it.

She comes home 2 days before Christmas, so I am planning to ask her then why she wouldn't let Mum use her sofa, not that it will make a jot of difference by then, as Mum won't use it.

LemonBreeland Mon 26-Nov-12 19:26:25

I would also like to know why you are having her to your house for Christmas. She wouldn't be welcome if she was my sister.

Adversecamber Mon 26-Nov-12 19:17:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Mon 26-Nov-12 18:25:11

Tell her that the stuff needs to be moved into storage if she can't be bothered to show any consideration for mums illness or the use of her space.

LemonBreeland Mon 26-Nov-12 17:22:35

It is so wrong that you are all pussyfooting around this selfish bitch. I feel so sad for your Mum.

Surely it would be usef for people to be able to stay with your Mum once she has had her procedure. Find a reason to get your sisters shit out of your Mums house.

cazza40 Mon 26-Nov-12 17:15:35

Your sister is a complete bitch

MistressIggi Mon 26-Nov-12 17:02:06

Tell her to spend Christmas with her fecking sofa.

Theicingontop Mon 26-Nov-12 16:39:29

Use it anyway. Anyone who could be that possessive over a piece of furniture (that she's stuffed in a room for 8 years) to the detriment of their own mother doesn't deserve to have their wishes abided by.

OddBoots Mon 26-Nov-12 16:32:28

Seems a bit odd, especially her offering some money towards a new one. Do you think the has old love letters stuffed down the back of the cushions or something?

BerylStreep Mon 26-Nov-12 16:22:58

I didn't raise it because I don't want to be accused of stirring things. There is previous experience of me being made the scapegoat of the family. I feel bad enough that I raised the damn sofa in the first place.

I have no idea why my other sisters didn't discuss it. Barbara is coming to my house for Christmas day - I plan to tell her before that I am not impressed at her behaviour.

MistressIggi Mon 26-Nov-12 10:39:05

It seems very odd that you didn't discuss this with your other sisters when you had the opportunity to.
It seems you are all enabling her behaviour for some reason (and surely by doing so, not supporting your mum?)

NervousAt20 Mon 26-Nov-12 08:36:45

shock that's disgusting! Your mum should say fair enough, you've got a week to get your shit out of my house or its going out on the streets I know she probly wouldn't but its what she deserves

BerylStreep Mon 26-Nov-12 08:33:00

The sisters went out - we didn't discuss it.

I talked to my Mum the other day, not about Barbara and the sofa, but about what we can do for her - I wanted to move her single bed to the living room, but Mum is resistant because it would look so 'old person', having a bed in the living-room, which I agree with. She is going to look at day beds or chaise long.

AmIthatScary Thu 22-Nov-12 23:57:05

I hope your Mum gets better and I have nothing else really to add, other than total angry and incredulous at the cheek of your youngest sister

Truly breathtaking in her selfishness and self entitlement

captainmummy Thu 22-Nov-12 18:09:13

Any news Beryl? How did the family conflab go?

Fairylea Wed 21-Nov-12 18:35:15

I would just use it. If it's unlikely she will ever come back then she will never know... and if she does come back and find out then.. oops. Tough shit.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Wed 21-Nov-12 18:31:29

I'm sorry, but I'd be sabotaging that sofa! <<evil>>
What's so special about it anyway? Did she lose her virginity on it? Give birth to her first child on it?
She needs to move her shit, so that when your mum has her procedure, people can stay and look after her.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Wed 21-Nov-12 16:31:49

Family meal sounds like a good time to decide on a united front to present to Barbara. She can't continue to take up valuable space at your mum's without allowing the stuff to be used when needed. I feel genuinely annoyed on your behalf especially at a time when you and your other siblings are under such pressure.

ValentineWiggins Wed 21-Nov-12 16:14:09

See if there is anything stored in her boxes that could accidentally leak all over the sofa?

BerylStreep Wed 21-Nov-12 16:09:51

I am hoping that Mum won't have to move into assisted living - hopefully once she has this procedure in 3 or 4 months time, she will be a bit better.

Ha, I like the suggestion of saying the rooms need cleared to allow people to stay! When my other sis & her family come to visit, they have to stay with me because there is no room at Mum's! Not that I mind, it is great to have them staying.

All the siblings except Barbara are going out tonight. I suspect it will be raised then, but BlueberryHill is right, Mum won't want to use it anyway if she thinks it hasn't been loaned freely.

quietlysuggests Wed 21-Nov-12 14:36:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

captainmummy Wed 21-Nov-12 14:23:33

I agree with Quick - it's more than about the sofa. The arguments in a large extensed family are not inconsiderable - however, I'd put the feelings of my mum (ill or not) above my concern for my little sister, in any family feud, any time.

You and your sister have choices - your mum buys a day-bed and sis leaves the furniture where it is for a quiet life, or your mum has to move, into sheltered accommodation/warden assisted flat/nursing home/ in with you; or into a smaller, single-storey place.

Sis will have to move her stuff out sooner-or-later, and sell it/charity it or dump it.

BlueberryHill Wed 21-Nov-12 13:12:55

First off, your sister is behaving so badly, everyone is saying she is a twat, and she is. There is a great temptation to think fuck it, I'm using that sofa ro to just let rip at her and tell her what you think, she is being so unreasonable to not let you use it for your mother.

However, your mum, you and your other sister have so much to deal with right now, physically and emotionally. Forget Babs and your sofa, unless you think that you can get her to change her mind without an argument. Your mother is unlikely to feel happy using it and she doesn't need a family argument about it right now. Get her another sofa / day bed and something that she will feel comfortable in. I'm so sorry that your sister is adding to your and your mothers stress at this time, don't let it eat you up and focus on what is important, your mother feeling as comfortable as possible.

Felicitywascold Wed 21-Nov-12 12:43:21

This is outrageous. Please tell me you are going to give her what for?

SpinningBirdKick Wed 21-Nov-12 12:30:03

Firstly, I must apologise for your sister being a twat

...just use it- what's she going to do- sue you all?

Precious, ignorant ungrateful bitch....

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