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To ask if anyone has regretting having / not having children?

(205 Posts)
Cherryontop99 Mon 19-Nov-12 12:37:12

That's it really.
Has anyone regretted their decision, either way.
I'm just in the decision making process myself which is why I ask.

slatternlymother Mon 25-Feb-13 11:02:05

PND is horrific. It is the reason we have chosen to keep DS as an only. I cannot risk putting myself through that again. If that makes DS a 'lonely only', then I could not give two shits. I have had to adjust my expectations and be grateful for what I have.

pinkyredrose Sun 24-Feb-13 21:14:24

Don't have and never wanted. Regret nothing.

Ps. does anyone have a link to the aforementioned other thread?

spanky2 Sun 24-Feb-13 20:02:33

ds2 and I'm on ads too! I love him but he is hard work . If my ds were easier well I'llbe honest ds2 I would not be medicated up to the eyeballs !

Annakin31 Sun 24-Feb-13 19:57:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yakshemash Sun 24-Feb-13 18:00:57

I always knew I didn't want children, so I didn't have them. I've never had any regrets, but appreciate that I have had it very easy. It wasn't a decision I ever had to wrestle with. I never muse on 'what might have been' because I love my life - it's easy and pleasant. And I love being half of a 'sad middle aged couple'!

Dromedary Sun 24-Feb-13 17:46:53

If I had the decision to make again, I would not make the decision to have children. They are great and I love them to bits, but it has been very hard, I have made bad mistakes which I can't now correct, and I am now aware, as I was not then, about how hard the future will be for their generation (global warming and more).

Domjolly Sun 24-Feb-13 17:45:32

I was aksing oh about this yesturday i think out life would be really dull we would loose out social circle all our friends have children and there are only so many nights out and hoildays in my view one can have before your the sad middle aged couple left at the bar in my view thats not a good look

cory Sun 24-Feb-13 17:37:21

Looking back, I realise the same thing happened to us, sticky; we were getting very dull and lacklustre

Life with dc is many times harder- particularly with SN in the equation, but I also feel a lot more alive.

PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 16:51:27

Tamoo, that's really awful. Have no answer but have a hug virtually from me.

monkeysbignuts Sun 24-Feb-13 16:46:37

Sticky that's what happened with me. My life became dull and something was missing. I wish I didn't get pnd after a baby?, I would have another if I didn't but it's not fair on anyone to have more

stickygingerbread Sun 24-Feb-13 16:30:07

We regret not starting a family earlier. We have 2 but would have had at least 4 given time. I sometimes kick myself because I had become so bored and disengaged in my childless lifestyle, but the obvious next step did not occur to me. I never thought I was the maternal type, or would fit in a family lifestyle but was wrong about all that too.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 24-Feb-13 13:30:49

Oh, and also, if I were you I would stop shrugging off rudeness and come down on ds like a ton of bricks when he is rude to you. Rudeness will not be tolerated. He loves x-box? Good. Remove it when he is rude. Don't argue, just refuse to tolerate anything other than the respect you deserve.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 24-Feb-13 13:25:30

Tamoo, you sound really depressed, which I am sure is adding to the way you feel about your son.
It is very hard to be connected to an abusive ex through a child-particularly if that Ex effectively uses the child to continue to emotionally abuse you, which is what this sounds like.
However, I do know that a lot of what you have said, probably because of the fact you are depressed, can be a sort of self fulfilling prophecy.
I have had bouts of depression, where my thinking can almost create the situations I most dread.
And often, with children, they do pick up on your tension and worries, which in turn makes them tense and difficult.
Maybe your ds is in part responding you your unhappiness and acting out accordingly.
Children need, more than anything, to feel secure, and feeling put in the middle or a bad relationship, or in any way vilified, will cause deep insecurity. Negative behaviour can be a defence mechanism; a way to regain control over some aspect of their lives.

I am NOT blaming you for this, just trying to offer a more optimistic possibility.
It is hard being a lone parent, even without an abusive ex, but please don't write yourself off because of this.

Dating is tricky, but most men won't won't judge you for being a single mum, or think you are a golddigger. Often they will have children too, and understand that life is complicated.

You can still be creative, you can find time for you, and if you can find ways to be happier, your son will feel happier too.
Have some confidence in the fact that no matter what his dad says, YOU are his mum, and he DOES love you, and need you, and he always will.

How old is ds? Is he at school yet? Even if you have no family support, maybe once you have got to know his friends parents, you can do things like child swaps in holidays etc? I have built up a network of other parents that I can call on to help me out from time to time-for example if I have an early meeting, I can drop ds at a friends before school.
I then reciprocate at a later date.

I know that when you are down, these things can seem insurmountable, but they are not. Please see you GP, and maybe get referred for counselling. I guarantee that if you feel more optimistic and open, your ds will too.

dikkertjedap Sun 24-Feb-13 12:28:47

No regrets, lots of fun, worry, enjoyment. smile

BeaWheesht Sun 24-Feb-13 12:26:23

No I don't regret having kids - I regret that I don't think ill be able to cope with any more. I'd love more, we have 2, but I find it all pretty stressful and don't have any family nearby. So I can imagine I might regret not having more.

dimsum123 Sun 24-Feb-13 12:09:40

I also wouldn't say my children are my life and all I ever wanted to do was to have children. They are a central part of my life but certainly not all of it.

dimsum123 Sun 24-Feb-13 12:07:16

Tamoo don't apologise. Life does not become a bed of roses just by having a child. Your situation sounds very hard and you sound understandably down. I hope things get better for you. Maybe telling your GP might be an idea, he/she might be able to offer some help and support.

StrawberriesTasteLikeLipsDo Sun 24-Feb-13 12:06:30

I have DS1 who is 3 and DS2 who is 9 weeks. DS2 has been a tough experience, i have had moments where ive questioned why we wanted two / was it a good idea but never regretted them. Despite PND this time I love them both and truly couldnt imagine life without them, I think i would like one more but DP doesnt want another, but we shall see how things change over time. Definitely couldnt imagine a life as rich without them

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Sun 24-Feb-13 11:59:52

No, but I don't think I would have regretted not having them either. I'm sure my theoretical child free life would have been just as interesting and fulfilling, possibly more so. Nor can I honestly say that 'my children are my life'. Of course I love them and want the best for them but I still have a lot of hopes and ambitions for myself and some of those will not happen to the extent that they might have if I'd not had children. That's life though- its a compromise.

Tamoo Sun 24-Feb-13 11:45:22

I regret having a child. I don't wish him away, but if I could go back in time I wouldn't have him.

He has tied me to an abusive/controlling ex for pretty much the rest of my life.

Said ex thinks I am a shit mother and has already started the process of turning DS away from me, so whatever positive efforts I make, I can easily imagine in five or so years DS is going to turn around and say, you're a shit mother.

We (DS and me) are unalike in our attitudes and outlook, he is aggressive and competitive, hard to have fun with because his default setting is that everything is hard work and he seems simply not to enjoy life. I try to engage him in new activities, take him new places and show him new things, and his reaction is inevitably that I'm trying to cause him hardship. He is unhappy anywhere except in front of the xbox and if I get him to do anything else I'm being 'nasty'.

DS is rude to me, constantly puts me down. After years of this it's getting harder to laughly and shrug it off (especially because his father agrees with him/acts the same way).

He is unhappy and badly behaved at school and I can't see this changing, no 'treatment' seems to work, so I worry for his future in terms of friendship and career - I can see him turning into some kind of teenage/adult delinquent.

I have no family support or friends, I only get a few hours to myself each week. I can't even do things like start running again, because DS is too young to be left alone.

I have no career despite my First Class Masters degree, and am permanently poor, and am never going to have a decent job. Childcare is an ongoing issue.

Being poor means I will never be able to provide for DS in the way I would like; he's never going to have the latest mobile phone or the cool clothes or foreign holidays his peers probably will have.

I have no time for the private creative pursuits I used to be passionate about, and even when I do have time I am too mentally wrecked and depressed to be able to snap back into an intellectual frame of mind.

I have not had a proper relationship in years and never have the opportunity to date. I am trying online dating atm but am frequently rejected on the grounds that as a single mother I am a loser, or stupid, or a golddigger. Also, I don't have the time to date properly, let alone establish a proper relationship.

The only thing I fantasise about is getting to my 40s/50s and living alone in peace and quiet and being able to read and not have anyone around to tell me what an awful person I am.

Phew! That was cathartic. I appreciate the opportunity to share but apologise for being so dark and miserable.

pumpkinsweetie Sun 24-Feb-13 11:28:50

I have 4dc, between the ages of 2-10yrs. Love them, they have made my life whole.
I don't regret one bit of it whatsoever, a big family is what i have wanted for years. I love the noise, the days out, the challanges they bring, baking, crafting and well lots more.
Looking at their smiles on their little faces, and wiping their tears when upset-I wouldn't change none of it for the worldsmile

But from your persepective op, if you are still undecided and not quite sure, do wait until you are ready.
Being a mum isn't for everyone, and being a woman doesn't mean you have to go ahead with having children if you don't think it's for you.
It's your decision, that no-one can make for you.
Simply from writing this thread, you sound unsure as of yet.
Goodluck with whichever path you follow x

SecretRegret Sun 24-Feb-13 11:21:53

I've been pondering whether to write this. I had to name change just for this post because I don't think this is something you can or should admit to in a way that might possibly get back to your kids.

And I don't know if regret is the right word, because I do love them, but if I had my life over I wouldn't have children. I don't know if it's because I was so lucky in my life without kids, or if it's because our society is so unfriendly towards children and families, or if I'm just a bit too selfish, or what. But I would like my old life back. Much as I love my kids, and fascinating and wonderful though it is to watch them grow, I've just found that there's not enough room for me left in life. I was happy with the decision for the first 3 or 4 years, but after that I found I was really hungering for the life I had before.

There are still many good bits but I find myself dreaming I'm childfree and loving it. Doesn't mean you'll feel any one way. It's not a decision you can undo, but it's also not something you can know for sure before you do it. In the end it's a leap of faith.

slatternlymother Sun 24-Feb-13 11:18:18

I do think though, that on the whole; if you're not bothered about children either way, that you probably shouldn't bother. Not in a horrid way; it's just that I think it's better to not have children and slightly regret it, than to regret bringing a life into the world, you know?

I do think the hype surrounding having a baby is overrated. Easy for me to say, I know.

But once you've decorated the nursery, and had your baby shower, and bought your pram, and dreamed over names and how lovely it's going to be... Once you've brought baby home, and the balloons have deflated and the flowers have wilted; in reality it is hard graft from thereon in. It's not horrible, it's just constant. And the guilt! Oh, the guilt. Am I doing it right? BF or FF? Am I socialising them enough? SAHM or WOHM? It's endless, you're always 'doing it wrong' somehow.

I only enjoy it now he's a toddler, aged 2.4. It got better after 6 months, I started liking him after a year and then by 2, he was a joy. I'm obviously not good with babies. But to get to this 'nice' stage, I've effectively written off 2 years of my life. 2 years!

I doubt I'll have more, or I'd put myself back to square 1 again, and have to write off another 2 years. That is a big investment.

dimsum123 Sun 24-Feb-13 11:06:02

I used to regret having DC's. I HATED the 24/7 high dependency stage. But now they are 7 and 9 I am really enjoying being a parent and am glad I had DC's.

maddening Sun 24-Feb-13 10:43:11

I have things that I would like to go back and change and regrets, or thinking x y and z would have turned out differently but since having ds I find it harder to regret those choices as they have all led to me having my ds right now - so how can I regret anything that led to him - I am also suffering pmt/hormones and being a sentomental sap smile

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